A Midlife Crisis

Here I am , seven months since remission . It's hard to imagine it's been that long . It hasn't been an easy recovery . The physical difficulties are only to be expected , but the mental ones have been a total surprise .

The first time , I discovered how much I was loved . The second time , I 'm discovering who I am . This cancer is turning out to be my midlife crisis . While people would do drastic things during their midlife crisis , all I want is to avoid the drastic during mine .

My midlife crisis isn't about getting older or not living out my dreams .  My midlife crisis is all about the why . Why did this thing come back ? Why am I going through this again ? Over and over , that word " why " reverbrated through my mind  . That's what I've been doing this past year . . . . reliving the why .

I can't seem to get past all of that and get my joy back . That's what is missing this second time . . . . the joy of just living . A certain zest for everything that touches me .

For all of you who may be worried about me , don't be . I am not depressed . I know there is light at the end of this dark tunnel . I just hate the waiting . I wish I could change things , but I know I can't . There is some purpose here and I'm trying to discover  it . So when I start sounding like a stuck record , please be patient with me .

Five years ago , no one asked me how I felt about  anything and today I'm writing about those feelings . That is progress . This is my sounding board , my voice .

Have a Blessed Week everyone .