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Showing posts from March, 2012

T.G.I.F

It's Friday ! T.G.I.F. day , yeah !!!!! BULL !!!
       Friday , to me , is one of the hardest , the most difficult , the absolute worst day of the week ! Hands down . At work , on Mondays , we get our work schedule and what needs to be done before the week is out . Usually , that means that by Friday , my night will be crazy trying to accomplish that feat .
       Everything falls apart on a Friday . At work , machinery breaks down , product gets rejected , bottles and jars have holes in them . People act funny on Fridays. They don't want to be bothered nor do they feel like working . There is always an argument  or two  caused by people who suddenly don't want to work together . Yes , good ole Fridays at work .
         At home , it's no different . Every traffic light is red . Dual lanes suddenly turn into one .Oh , yes, let's not forget the " road closed " barricades . I just love being on the road on Fridays . On Fridays , I get the f…

Eye On The Prize

If someone asked  if you had a solid confidence in yourself...................how would you answer ? Yes or no only . I , myself , have to say no. If you asked me if I have a solid confidence in my job , I would answer with a resounding YES ! Ask about my personal side of life and the answer is a resounding NO !
               Confidence is something that I desperately lack outside of work . Oh , I cover it up pretty well usually by laughing at myself . Everyone says what a great sense of humor I have but only if they knew the truth ! I crack jokes to mask my low self-esteem . This is something I want to correct . This is my latest project .
                 God never ceases to amaze me ! How He knows my heart ! I have a wicker basket in my living room  filled with paperbacks , pamphlets and articles that I have gotten from others as gifts fpr inspirational reading . I randomly pick one to read . Guess what I grabbed ? Confidence building material ! Chance ? I don'…

A Lenten Fast

As the Lenten Season began , I was oblivious to it as usual . My church fasts for a month  in January as the New Year unfolds  . So when Lent came around and everyone started fasting , well , I never participated .  I think , it brought on too many memories of my Catholic upbringing . I associated Lent with Catholics .
   Every book I opened , every devotional I read , every church I passed, everywhere I went .....I saw Lent . People were doing Lenten Trees , Lenten candles  and a Lenten 40 day devotional . Suddenly , people at work were giving up coffee , sweets , chocolate , soda and even smoking for Lent .
    What surprised me even more was that Christians were fasting . I'm ashamed . Why shouldn't we Christians participate in Lent ? Why did I think that? Again , I'm ashamed . There's that association thing again . Lent = Catholics . Doesn't Lent lead up to the Cross ? Again , I'm ashamed   for my way of thinking .
     Lent weighed heavily on me . T…

A Joy Dare

Just recently , I have come to know Ann Voscamp from A Holy Experience . Having read a couple of her Devotionals , I was drawn to know all I could about her and her farmer lifestyle . One thing that has caught my attention is her " Count 1000 Gifts In 2012 " where every month she listed what she was grateful for . . . . her JoyDare . Here is my JoyDare for March .

1.3 gifts at 3 pm.
                           supper with my  daughter , prayer time with my daughter , quality time with my girl
2. 3 gifts green
                        a headscarf from co-worker , a picture frame from Godson , yarn from Pam
3. 3 gifts wore
                       a charm bracelet from my family , new socks , hat from Linda
4. 3 gifts hard to give thanks for
                                                   cancer , a car breaking down , a bad night at work
5. 3 gifts found
                         love , an old book , myself
6. a gift bent , a gift broken , a gift beautiful
                …

The Results Are In

Spent the entire morning in back to back doctor appointments . The results are in !!! For now , there is no sign of cancer . It is officially taking a nap.........hopefully forever.......but I would be happy for another 4 1/2 years !!!
  Both my legs and left knee are swollen . They seem to think it might be due to my thyroid but have scheduled me for an EKG and ECO just in case to check my heart . My heart is fine but they just want to be able to rule that out . I need to schedule a visit with my Internist for further evaluation .
  My CA125 is a 6 , I believe , but it has always been low so they can't really measure my cancer by that . My organs , like the kidney , are in good order . My right hand is still experiencing numbness from time to time ( especially after I wake up ) but that will soon pass . And  folks ,are you ready for this ? I lost 1/2 lb. .It's definitely time for a  celebration .
 Overall , everything seems fine . Even my attitude was great . My aversion t…

I Had A Dream

Taking a nap has become my daily ritual . Usually , right after supper , with my stomache full , I start feeling tired .  With my windows open letting in a gorgeous breeze and the curtains billowing , I fell asleep .
      The next thing I became aware of was Emily shaking me awake .  " Mom , the Women's Group ". I jumped out of bed when I noticed the time . With 15 minutes left before Group started I rushed out the door . Thank goodness , I live right around the corner . My anxiety turned to disappointment when I noticed the sign saying Group was cancelled for this week . No matter how tired or busy I get , I thoroughly enjoy Group . I feel like my soul needs it to survive .
      It was on my way home that I realized just how rested I felt . That nap was great . I felt refreshed and ready to take on what came next .  It came to me that I had a dream during my nap .
        In my dream I was surrounded by many people . All I heard were people asking me to take of…

Let's Pray Together

There are people out there who will never like me no matter what I say  or do . We all have people like that in our life . One of these people works with me . I have learned that no matter how sweet I may be to her or understanding  or try to appease her ......all I end up doing is getting her angrier .
     One thing she does that I abhor is bad mouth me behind my back . She curses me to anyone or everyone who will listen . I have learned to turn the other cheek . She has been made to apologize to me a few times .I have tried to talk things over to no avail . She simply doesn't like me . End of story .
     Driving home this morning from work , I felt such defeat . Turning the other cheek is becoming harder and harder . Years ago , I would have fought her and won . Now , I'm a different person and all I can think about is how sorry I am for her . How miserable she must feel . How lost and lonely her life surely is .....what other explanation could there be for wanting …

What Is A Pet Scan ?

Pet Scan
                    Positron Emission Tomography . A small amount of radioactive sugar is injected into the bloodstream . Growing cells use sugar . Rapidly growing cells such as cancer cells take up the sugar and can be seen on 3 dimensional imaging .

     I had my very first Pet Scan  this past Monday . Even though , I've had cancer for 5 years now , I've always had CT scans . Let me tell you folks , I've had so many CT scans done that I could drink that awful liquid without making a face .
     I've heard of cancer patients having a Pet scan but never I . I wonder why ? Can you imagine my surprise and yes , excitement , when my doctor sent me for one ? Thinking that the scan was similiar to the Ct scan  I prepared myself by fasting from food and drink from midnight on . I am  , after all , a professional .
   Full of confidence and ease ,   I head out for my Pet scan without fear or foreboding  unlike the last few appointments I've had . Even th…

Glutton For Punishment

A few weeks back , Emily came into my room wanting to know which of the Seven Deadly Sins was I . She was Jealousy . Now , I don't know which shocked me more , the fact that she knew them all by heart or the fact that she admitted Jealousy . Trying to remember all of them and shockingly finding that I couldn't .
    I'm Gluttony . Everything I do , I do excessively . I eat too much , work too much , think too much , take on too much , worry too much , analyze too much etc. The list would never end . Sometimes , I think I'm too much .
    This starts a very interesting conversation between us both and we decide to post on Facebook a sort of Forum question asking people which of the Deadly Sins they were . How many people do you think responded ? Not one . I could post I'm weeding a garden and a whole slew of people will make  remarks  and I post this and nothing .
    I believe people see each other differently then others see them . We don't want to see…

Healed By His Touch

Many , many years ago in preparation for my third child's Baptism , parents were expected to attend a class . At the end of that class , the leader asked if some of us seasoned parents would share advice with the new parents . I remember what I shared , " What works with one will not work with the other ." That set off a response from the new parents on proving me wrong . They named authors with their book titles .......books that they could not live without . I , treaded bravely on making a joke .......
       " A mother has her  first child and reads  Dr.Spock faithfully . The same woman has another child  and throws the book out ."
      Believe me , they were not laughing . Feeling chastised , I sat quietly after that . I was young and didn't want to start anything with these parents . Now , I wouldn't have sat quiet at all . I think I would have laughed out loud .
     The other day , I experienced  something similiar . Let me start off by sa…

A Brand New Start

It has been a glorious week filled with sunshine and Spring like atmosphere . Everywhere I looked , I saw people outside jogging , taking walks with their children , playing sports and just simply enjoying themselves . That's what Spring brings ....a renewed hope , a new beginning , a brand new start .
    While waiting for Emily , I observed a woman walking around her office building over and over again . She has been out everyday this week . It is  almost Spring  and don't we all think about our diets then ?  It made me smile because I could so relate to her . How many times have I experienced this " brand new start " .
     After my chemo celebration , I saw some pictures of myself in some unflattering angles . My first instinct was to get myself into shape . Yes , starting tomorrow , a strict regiment . A brand new start .......again .
      Sitting down , I'm  making a mental list of all the changes I will make in my daily routine . Funny thing , thoug…

Time Is A Treasure

Time is a special commodity to me . I respect it . I treasure it . I seek it . Time is something there is not enough of in my life .  Going back to work has taken my " time " away from me . I have none and I'm constantly chasing it .
    My life is filled with activity . I don't understand how anyone can be bored . Between my Women's Group , Children's ministry , crocheting , reading , family events   and countless errands  . . . . . . . .I'm constantly on the look out for more time .
    My favorite time is the one spent in solitude . I find that I need some alone time everyday . My life feels out of sync without it . That is the one thing missing right now ......my personal time . Even the smallest detail of trying to organize my schedule is out of whack  . I don't know how to get back on track . I know this sounds silly but I need organization to calm me and give me peace .
   I have never been so conscious of time before as I am now . Illness…

So You're Healing ?

These days , everyone wants to know how I'm healing . Well , the healing will take a long time . . . . months.. .......years . It's not something that can happen overnight . But there are little signs ...
   Today , as I soaked in the tub , reading and having a cup of coffee , I realized I'm actually enjoying the cup of coffee . It's been 6 months since that happened . Oooh, how I missed it ! Yes, I am healing little by little .
   There are other signs like the stubble on my legs . Oh why , oh why , did that have to return ? Soon , I will have to start shaving those legs again . My hair is also starting to grow . Just peach fuzz really , but there it is ......so soft and so light . I might just come out all gray .
    There are also other unpleasant signs . The side effects of the chemo . That boil I had ? My daughter-in-law read that people taking chemo are more susceptible to them . I'm not really surprised . My right hand goes numb while I'm asleep ...…

A Chemo Celebration

Not too long ago , my mom started a family dinner once a month . It began by her house where she cooked up a feast worthy of Thanksgiving . About a week ago , I was informed by my niece that she would have this month's dinner by her house . Okay , fine by me . It makes no difference where this dinner happens . She lives right around the corner . Sounds even better .
    After an exhausting week , I dragged myself to this family dinner . I dressed carelessly , grabbing whatever came first , nothing matching . Who cares ? It's just the family . They're lucky I took a bath . I'm just gonna sit in the corner taking a snooze when noone was looking and sneak out early to go to bed . That was the plan .
    Ring the doorbell . The door opens . SURPRISE !!!! HAPPY LAST CHEMO  , LOTTIE !!!!What ? No ! Not when I look like this ?!! I'm wearing floods  , for goodness sakes ! Everyone was there . Dressed very nicely . Oh , I felt so bad .
    I don't feel worthy of a…

Weary At Heart

My first week back at work has been exhausting ! I can't seem to get enough sleep . I have never been more tired . I just can't handle it .  Wow , that's alot to say , isn't it ? But it's true , I can't handle it .
     All week I'm walking around like the dead . Driving home half asleep . Dishes piling up in the sink . Phone calls not answered . Supper being ordered out . The blog shelved right along with responsibility . The T.V. forgotten and any news of the world . Wearing my daughters socks.........too tired to do the laundry .
   All I want is to be tucked away under the covers . For someone to sing me a lullaby . To rub my feet and just let me sleep . I want to forget the world out there and all responsibility that goes with it . I'm tired and I want to sleep like Rip Van Winkle . . . . undisturbed . . . . until I awaken refreshed and ready to face the world .
   At my Women's Group I kept yawning and silent the whole time . Usually my …

Jesus , Would You Walk With Me

I remember , my friend Linda , telling me of her first day of having chemo again . I remember how scared she was and how emotional she felt that day . " Jesus , would you walk with me " ? That was Linda's prayer as she walked into the treatment room .
     This past Monday , I went back to work . I was scared . I was emotional . You could ask why on earth I felt that way . I have worked there for almost 17 yrs. What is the big deal ? I think the big deal is that this journey has felt so very personal ...........a personal struggle for me . I cried for most of it . I feel different . I look different . I am different .
       Going back to work meant not knowing how everyone would react , but mostly , not knowing how I would react . Just the fact that someone may hug and embrace me sent me running away . Scared of the emotion I would feel . I was scared of breaking down in front of people that have never seen that personal side of me . It meant all my layers expose…

The Golden Rule

Well , I'm back , everyone . What a week it's been . I've been bed-ridden this past week with an embarrassing illness . At first , I wasn't going to let anyone know , but then everyone is always telling me how much they appreciate my honesty . So honesty wins  .
     I thought I had an enflamed hemrroid but it turned out to be a boil .That's right , a boil on my arse !!! Lord , I rather give birth to a 12 lb. baby without any meds than go through this again .
     The reason why I'm even mentioning this is because I have slacked off . When you go through an illness of any kind you become aware of every sign your body makes . You question every ache , every sore , every blemish . You don't take these signs for granted .You take it seriously . You know something is wrong .  I ignored the early signs and didn't treat it . I ended up in AGONY for seven days !!!!!!
      This is the first time I have ignored the golden rule . This golden rule caught m…