Showing posts from October, 2011

Losing Your Identity

My hair has been falling out . It's not a pretty sight . Everyday it gets worse . I don't think people realize what the process looks like when your hair starts shedding . Think of a chemical waste movie where the infected person 's hair is falling off in chunks . Globs....chunks. Yuck .
    It starts off with just some hair whenever you brush . Then a handful everytime you touch your hair. After that, you shed on your shoulders , pillow , bathtub . You don't even have to touch it .  Everyday it gets worse and worse . So I made the decision to shave it already .
   Four years ago , I shaved my head immediately when it started to fall out . This time , I have waited alot longer . I mention this to someone and their response really ticked me off . This upset me so much I felt I needed to write about it . They wanted me to wait . " I mean , Lottie, its not that bad . "
   Really ? Really ? How would you know . That's like telling someone that has breast…

Leaving Something Behind

A couple years back , I went to a funeral of a woman that wasn't exactly " nice " for  want of a better word . In fact , she was very difficult , negative , never had a good word to say about anyone . It was very hard to be with her and everyone would avoid her as much as they could . People made excuses for her because of her many illnesses .
     As I sat at her funeral , I could not think of one happy moment that I spent with this woman and it shocked me . Why not ? Because she was miserable and made sure everyone around  her was made miserable too . My last memory of her involved her complaining about a baby crying .That's all I could think about sitting in the pew .
     I don't want anyone to ever feel like that about me . If there is one thing I want to leave behind .......its happy memories . What better way of honoring someone then with memories .I want for people to sit around and bring up things we have done together when I'm gone . I want a …

The Missing Link

As a Sunday School Teacher , my Sundays are usually spent downstairs in the Childrens Ministry. I love what I do . There is one thing I miss and that is the worship part of the service. That 's what  is missing from my " church on " during the week . I can listen to K-LOVE all day and its still not the same as being in church and giving HIM your complete attention. At home, we are usually doing other things while listening to music .
   So when someone gave me tickets to " Casting Crowns " , I was very happy . Let me tell you I was in pure heaven last night . I forgot everyone and everything . This concert was for me . I had tears coming down my face . Its as if a dam broke and everything I have been suppressing came out . At the end of the concert , the lead singer said how they all came out and prayed over all the seats earlier in the day .
   Come to the well. I came to the well and left everything there. My problems with all my FMLA forms, insurance , m…

My Car Has Cancer , Too

I think My car has cancer right along with me . Eversince , this "thing "has come back , my car has been acting up getting an attitude. Just this week , while pulling out of my brothers house , I developed a flat tire. How ? Where ? You're kidding right? No folks , I'm not . Sometimes , I think  JESUS  himself is driving my car because there is no way it could hold up otherwise.
   Then there is all the lovely paperwork that gets lost or entered wrong .Just last week it took two days to correct a mistake  that resulted  in my insurance card being expired . Had to pay full price for all my prescriptions.Thats not even fiunny when you have like three of them .Today , I didn't get paid because someone thought to do me a favor and save all my vacation for when I come back .....the vacation is good only until the end of the year . I won't be back by then . I guess , they thought I would be grateful, instead I'm just broke.
  I could go on and on but then why…

Getting Angry

Last night as I was "blogging" I could feel a certain anger rising . It really surprised me since I wasn't writing on an "angry" subject.I guess I have been suppressing my anger regarding this cancer comeback.I am angry.I AM ANGRY.
   Why shouldn't I be?! Last time I almost died.I am a miracle .What I'm going through now is a picnic compared to the first time.It took all of the 4 1/2 yrs. to move on. My body still hasn't completely healed.Its not just about healing physically but also mentally.
    I really, really wasn't expecting to go through this again...... AND it upsets me .Things were just starting to fall neatly into place.My feet were feeling the ground again.....firm ground .I could look into the future and actually see something . I was even starting to lose the weight.
   Now what ? Back to square one.Its like running a race and a block before the finish line someone yells FOUL and you have to go back to the starting line.Well , I…

I , Genetics

We can become quite "comfortable" with our family history. I know I have. Looking back ,it almost gave me a false sense of security knowing that the women in my family live well into their nineties. My grandma is 92 yrs. old and in better health than me. Of course, I believed I was in that elite group of women.
  In 2007 , I was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. Thats a pretty bad cancer to have because it keeps coming back.Just keeps coming a dandelion that you pull out and it just grows back.Annoying ? You better believe it.
   When my healing began , that's when I hit the internet in search of other ovarian cancer survivors.It was so very important to  me than to find at least one woman who didn't have to keep going thru this over and over again.It was like a mission and a mission that proved almost impossible.
   I read bio after bio of women who were fighting this disease.I found one woman who has been a survivor for 12 yrs{at that time}but …

Best Thing I Ever Ate

The nausea started as I wove in and out of the store aisles.Hoping to get all my shopping done as soon as possible I grabbed items quickly without really of them was a box of ordinary saltines.
     Starting my car I opened a box of saltines.Popped one into my mouth.Never ...has anything ...tasted ...this good .It hit my stomach in just the right way.I closed my eyes and savored every crunchy bite.I picked up every crumb that fallen onto my lap.I just couldn't get enough of this stuff.My nausea was gone and forgotten.Flipped the ON switch and K-LOVE came on.The sun was shining,music was playing and I was munching  starved for this stuff.
      I felt like a teenager on a joyride.I was in  heaven.Actually heard myself making "mmmmm" comments. Took a swig of my water...perfect..aahhh!!!!.What was so good about this?I know for sure I have eaten better ,lip smacking food.How come nothing ever tasted this good before?
      Then a memory appeared of my firs…

My Christian Hat

Today is just not the day. After spending yet another sleepless night in the bathroom every 15 minutes ....I   
    ......HAVE ..........HAD.........IT ! Today I'm just plain angry , tired of it all . Enough is enough. I want relief.Everyone better just stay away.
  I drive Emily to work with all these emotions churning inside me.Yesterday , I wrote about brotherly love and today I just want to fight with everyone.How messed up is that? Dropping her off I look around for that delivery man.....better leave me alone today.
   I'm whining......
I have spent the night in the bathroom every 15 minutes.I have burped more than the prenatal unit  at Lutheran Hospital.Drank more water than a whale.Than I had the NERVE to go around boasting to people how I haven't had nausea at all ........really? Until now.That should teach me to just plain shut up.I'm bloated, ankles are swollen,hands and feet are tingling and when your leg goes to sleep  and you try to move…

It Takes A Tragedy

Every morning I drop Emily off to work  and every morning I run  into this young man who delivers all the baking goods . I irritate this young man .I don't move fast enough for him.I'm in his way . I park in the wrong spot. My very presence seems to send him off into a tirade of slamming car doors and throwing things around ,  waving hand gestures.
     What is he so angry about?What could be so important to generate such anger. I don't know but I felt sorry for him.This anger will eat him alive .
     It seems that a tragedy has to occurr for us to be thankful and appreciative of our family , our friends.....our lives.I know I have changed.Things are just not that important to me anymore.
    Who cares if the guy in front of me cuts me off.Whats the rush? How about the friends that we always say we'll get together with but never find the time.Or a playdate with our own children  because we feel like we need to work all the time.
   I want to find time to do these…

Why Are We So Afraid To Die ?

We , as Christians , have been taught about Heaven.We look forward to seeing Christ face to face.We know that it is a place filled with love , where sorrow and pain doesn't exist.It is a paradise unlike we have ever known.
  Yet, we are so afraid to die. We fight for every breath to stay here.Yet , we know there is something so much better.Something so unbelievably great we can't even imagine it.Why do we do this?Why are we so afraid of dying and going to Heaven?
  I know what I'm afraid of .....I'm afraid of what will happen to my children .I want an affirmation that they will be okay.I'm afraid of having not lived to my full potential.That life has passed me by because I have let it.I'm afraid of what I might not be able to experience like a grandchild.But most of all I am afraid of the pain of dying.
  I don't want to die a painful death.I don't want to burn to death;or drown ; or get shot or worse .....tortured.I just want to close my eyes and POO…

I'm Fine.....Keep Telling Yourself That.

Last night my body gave out.Had plans to go to a church event ,"The Art of Worship".Been looking forward to it all week.I just couldn't get my body to get up.I was so drained of all energy.I looked over to Emily's room and it was dark. She was getting her much needed sleep.We've been exhausted running on empty pretending everything is fine.
   I look around my room full of unpacked boxes.Can't even see the carpet.We moved in September and I've yet to unpack.Every room is done except my bedroom.How ironic.Instead of tackling the problem all I'm doing is shoving boxes from one corner to the next.When am I going to deal with this?
  In a way , I've been doing the same with my illness.Kept myself busy with this blog and answering e-mails.Doing errands and offering my help.Postponing any kind of emotional outburst on my part.You see,a month ago, I broke down  and cried the entire weekend.If anyone looked at me, I burst out crying.I think , in a way…

Finding Solace

The last two days have been very trying. My chemo has always hit me hard on the 2nd or 3rd day the worst . It has entered my joints and legs.Very difficult moving around.I can feel every nerve , every ache, every joint . This weather is not helping either .
  There is a benefit to going thru this the second time.You know what to expect and prepare yourself for it  both mentally and physically . I pull out all the tricks I learned the first time around .Last night was real hard and sleep didn't come easy . I benefited from a therapist 4 yrs ago who taught me breathing exercises , laying down in the dark with music  breathing in and out slowly . This has always worked for me.The music choice for me then and now has always been Christian. I can find no other that can lift my spirit or exclaim my feelings the way Worship music does . I recommend everyone try it but on a quieter level....softly playing.It helps so much with the pain .
  But there is one solace that has helped me tre…

Unspoken Voices

Today I have no witty remarks to tell you.Today I am tired.I feel every achy bone in my body and I'm tired.Today the clouds opened up in rain feeling my mood .
   I've read so many of your emails telling me of your stories....your pain. The unspoken voices of all the parents , husbands , wives , daughters , sons , aunts, uncles  , brothers , sisters ,friends , co-workers , in-laws etc,etc.Its so much easier to write it all down , because then noone will see you breakdown and cry.We are to be strong , aren't we? I am guilty of that.When people approach me I panic like that. They might see I don't have it together.
  So many many many tears . So for all of the people battling heart disease , strokes , cancer , dementia , ailing parents , a child diagnosed with Austism  or a marriage that is broken .Do not let anyone diminish your FAITH and your HOPE  because we are miracles of GOD.
  Today , kneel down and scream his name ,"Lord , wher…

My Life:I Flew Over The Cuckoo Nest

Its 7am...time to get up.Bathroom break.Break out the clorox wipes.Look in mirror at red face with turkey gobbler.Pill one , pill two , pill three.Hands are numb and tingling . Head hurts and hot flashes are raging.Stomach queasy . Diahhrea in the morning and constipation in the afternoon . Drink 50 gallons of water a day. Burp.Bathroom break.More clorox wipes.
  Wipe down the apartment.Bring out more clorox wipes.Have something to eat.Clorox wipes.Say goodbye to houseplants.Niece Kathy babysit plants for 6 months.Better not kill houseplants Kathy!Bathroom break.Don't forget the wipes.
   Doctor schedules for three weeks: Genetics Doctor,Oncology Doctor,Gyno Doctor,Internist Doctor,labs , Oncology Doctor again ,Infusion. One week break.
   Mail out FMLA papers.Pick up prescriptions at Walgreens.Insurance card has expired.Worked at Avon for 16 years and insurance card never expired....until today.Take 10 minutes to cuss at all the medical forms , work forms , red tape ,Fmla papers…

We Fall Apart

Today at chemo , just when it was time to go in , my Emily fell apart completely.Totally brokedown....meltdown city. Cried and cried . She couldn't go in.Its almost like reality finally sanked in.She sat in the waiting room.It was , to say the least , a very hard day.
  It occurred to me that this isn't just about me.Even though I may want it to be ME , ME , PAMPER ME , LOOK AT ME I GOT CANCER .....there are other people in this too.I am important to my family.They love me and care about me.To think that they are not experiencing trauma , fear ,disappointment is pretty silly of me.
  Especially my children.My children , who have always seen me in the role of the strong one,dependable, unbreakable .We ,  as parents , spell security to our children.We are the foundation and when that foundation is cracked they are lost.Their security blanket is being taken away.To this day , both of my kids can't see me bald.It just brings it home for them.
 I looked at my phone and it was …

Are You Angry With God?

Are You Angry With God?

     Here I am ,almost 47yrs old and fighting cancer for the second time.Everyone wants to know how I feel I'm doing..etc.I nod my head okay....fine.But I really don't know myself.There is something simmering inside me waiting to burst forth.I just don't know what that is.
     When I first was diagnosed 4 1/2 yrs ago,everyone asked the same question:Are you angry with God? I answered honestly with pure of heart.....NO.I always knew that there was something very important that HE wanted me to see.I was just worried that I wouldn't recognize that something and it all would be for nothing.I did learn then and I will learn again now.
     I asked myself this same question the other day.I am not angry with God but I am very disappointed.This sentenced popped into my head without any pondering.Almost as if someone else was saying it for me.I thought about it.Why am I disappointed?Did I think I was healed for good?Did I think I've done m…

A Blank Page

Sat down to write my daily blog and my mind went blank just like the page in front of me.What I planned to write suddenly I couldn't remember.I guess God had other plans for me.
   All day today I walked around with a smile on my face and a happy retort on my lips.Everyone I ran into gave me hugs and told me how sorry they were .They  were very could feel it in their embrace and their voice.
   I realize now that I've been faking it.You see,tomorrow I will be starting my first chemo treatment.Didn't realize just how depressing that really is.As I sat staring at that blank page , I realized that this blank page represented my future.
    I remember feeling the same way the first time around.I didn't see a future then.It was totally blank.Just like now.A blank page.
   But there is a difference the second time around.My feelings are different.My approach is different and yes my outlook is different.
  This blank page represents to me my future that is unkn…

Home Remedy #396

When my doctor informed me that my cancer might be back....I didn't tell anyone .I kept it to myself.Kept telling myself that there was no need to worry anyone until we knew for sure.But thats not the real reason.
     The truth is I didn't feel I could handle everyone coming at me.Don't get me wrong.People really mean well.They really do.I was in no physical shape to handle them.I was the emotional wreck.I still am.
    People feel they need to HELP you in some way.I cannot tell you all the home remedies I have been given to cure this cancer.I should drink beet juice,eat cabbage and my favorite.......... Milk Thistle Seed Tea.Isn't this that thing that sticks to your pants when you walk through the woods?And then there is the stuff I can't even pronounce like astragulas.What is that anyway?
   Then there is the advice on what I need to give up to cure this thing....Like coffee,airplanes.Yes , airplanes.Its not good for me to travel at this time.Nor can I lif…

Hello Linda

We all experience a moment where we have to do an unpleasant task.It could be unpleasant for many reasons.I have an unpleasant task set before me today.Can't put it off any longer.
     I have to tell my friend Linda that my cancer is back.Its particularly difficult because Linda is also fighting cancer at this time.What is even more ironic is the fact that we fought cancer the first time together also.I have been keeping this a SECRET  from her since I found out 6 weeks ago.
    Linda's cancer came back a few months ago and she took comfort in knowing I was okay.This will be a huge shock for her.You see,Linda loves me with all of her heart.I know this.I see this.I feel this.We all have a friend like we know loves us no matter what.Whether we deserve it or not .
   When I found out about her cancer..I burst out sobbing...not even crying but sobbing.I honestly don't know if I cried for Linda or for myself.But I was scared for myself.I know this now.Its a sham…