My hair has been falling out . It's not a pretty sight . Everyday it gets worse . I don't think people realize what the process looks like when your hair starts shedding . Think of a chemical waste movie where the infected person 's hair is falling off in chunks . Globs....chunks. Yuck .
It starts off with just some hair whenever you brush . Then a handful everytime you touch your hair. After that, you shed on your shoulders , pillow , bathtub . You don't even have to touch it . Everyday it gets worse and worse . So I made the decision to shave it already .
Four years ago , I shaved my head immediately when it started to fall out . This time , I have waited alot longer . I mention this to someone and their response really ticked me off . This upset me so much I felt I needed to write about it . They wanted me to wait . " I mean , Lottie, its not that bad . "
Really ? Really ? How would you know . That's like telling someone that has breast cancer...its just a breast . Or someone in a wheelchair.....its just a leg .People say the most insensitive things . This is why people who are going through tragedies do not share their feelings with others . Another reason ....because they feel that noone understands what they are going through .
Another huge misconception..............this is not vanity.......it is the loss of identity . My losing my hair is not about being attractive . Its about not recognizing myself .Who am I now? Who will I be when I come out of this ? Then there are my children who still have a hard time seeing me with no hair . I should just tell them its not that bad when they see globs of my hair hit the floor . How dramatic do you think that will be for them ?
The funny thing is that the person who said it , if this happened to them , would have gone into a depression . I'm not saying this to make the person feel bad about themselves . I want people to be aware.
Since starting this blog ,I have had so many relatives of patients come up to me and tell me how they never knew what they were feeling . How they kept all their emotions bottled up . How they wished they knew their thoughts .
My feelings alone have been like a rollercoaster ride....up and down and up again . I think thats because I'm trying to find out who I am in all of this . This person staring in the mirror with a bald head...who is she ?Who will she become ?
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Leaving Something Behind
A couple years back , I went to a funeral of a woman that wasn't exactly " nice " for want of a better word . In fact , she was very difficult , negative , never had a good word to say about anyone . It was very hard to be with her and everyone would avoid her as much as they could . People made excuses for her because of her many illnesses .
As I sat at her funeral , I could not think of one happy moment that I spent with this woman and it shocked me . Why not ? Because she was miserable and made sure everyone around her was made miserable too . My last memory of her involved her complaining about a baby crying .That's all I could think about sitting in the pew .
I don't want anyone to ever feel like that about me . If there is one thing I want to leave behind .......its happy memories . What better way of honoring someone then with memories .I want for people to sit around and bring up things we have done together when I'm gone . I want a relationship with every person in my life .
I want my children to remember all the things we have done together.Times we have cried together....laughed together and yes, even fought together . Because after each fight we did learn something from it . ....we learned to apologize .
As I sat at her funeral , I could not think of one happy moment that I spent with this woman and it shocked me . Why not ? Because she was miserable and made sure everyone around her was made miserable too . My last memory of her involved her complaining about a baby crying .That's all I could think about sitting in the pew .
I don't want anyone to ever feel like that about me . If there is one thing I want to leave behind .......its happy memories . What better way of honoring someone then with memories .I want for people to sit around and bring up things we have done together when I'm gone . I want a relationship with every person in my life .
I want my children to remember all the things we have done together.Times we have cried together....laughed together and yes, even fought together . Because after each fight we did learn something from it . ....we learned to apologize .
The Missing Link
As a Sunday School Teacher , my Sundays are usually spent downstairs in the Childrens Ministry. I love what I do . There is one thing I miss and that is the worship part of the service. That 's what is missing from my " church on " during the week . I can listen to K-LOVE all day and its still not the same as being in church and giving HIM your complete attention. At home, we are usually doing other things while listening to music .
So when someone gave me tickets to " Casting Crowns " , I was very happy . Let me tell you I was in pure heaven last night . I forgot everyone and everything . This concert was for me . I had tears coming down my face . Its as if a dam broke and everything I have been suppressing came out . At the end of the concert , the lead singer said how they all came out and prayed over all the seats earlier in the day .
Come to the well. I came to the well and left everything there. My problems with all my FMLA forms, insurance , my cancer car , my health etc. Everything .What a release . It was a turning point . I knew than that everything would be okay . Everything would be just fine.
As a Christian , I have had many experiences like that . The joy and peace and fullness of heart that comes with it is unbelieveable . I believe dying feels like that . What an incredible feeling . I stood with my arms stretched wide worshipping the ONE who gave it all just for me.
If you are a fellow Christian , you know what I mean .You have had that experience . If you're not , I wish you will know Him , too. Come to the well......
So when someone gave me tickets to " Casting Crowns " , I was very happy . Let me tell you I was in pure heaven last night . I forgot everyone and everything . This concert was for me . I had tears coming down my face . Its as if a dam broke and everything I have been suppressing came out . At the end of the concert , the lead singer said how they all came out and prayed over all the seats earlier in the day .
Come to the well. I came to the well and left everything there. My problems with all my FMLA forms, insurance , my cancer car , my health etc. Everything .What a release . It was a turning point . I knew than that everything would be okay . Everything would be just fine.
As a Christian , I have had many experiences like that . The joy and peace and fullness of heart that comes with it is unbelieveable . I believe dying feels like that . What an incredible feeling . I stood with my arms stretched wide worshipping the ONE who gave it all just for me.
If you are a fellow Christian , you know what I mean .You have had that experience . If you're not , I wish you will know Him , too. Come to the well......
Friday, October 28, 2011
My Car Has Cancer , Too
I think My car has cancer right along with me . Eversince , this "thing "has come back , my car has been acting up getting an attitude. Just this week , while pulling out of my brothers house , I developed a flat tire. How ? Where ? You're kidding right? No folks , I'm not . Sometimes , I think JESUS himself is driving my car because there is no way it could hold up otherwise.
Then there is all the lovely paperwork that gets lost or entered wrong .Just last week it took two days to correct a mistake that resulted in my insurance card being expired . Had to pay full price for all my prescriptions.Thats not even fiunny when you have like three of them .Today , I didn't get paid because someone thought to do me a favor and save all my vacation for when I come back .....the vacation is good only until the end of the year . I won't be back by then . I guess , they thought I would be grateful, instead I'm just broke.
I could go on and on but then why should I relive it over again . My only consolation is that this time around I'm able to catch the mistakes right away AND people are really nice in trying to fix this . Just to let you get an idea of how it was last time........I didn't get paid for 6 weeks......6 weeks . I guess they thought I didn't need the money . My sister-in-law, Tammy , was wonderful in handling all these things for me back then .
I believe the devil has been chasing me and chasing me but he just can't seem to catch me . He's been throwing monkey wrenches in my path trying to discourage me.To make me cry and feel helpless . I don't need him to tell me I'm not in control . I know I'm not in control here . The thing is , he seems to think he's in charge .
No matter , how bad things get , God takes care of me . HE always seems to send an angel disguised as a girlfriend , fellow churchgoer , a small gesture by a stranger or a loved one . AND they provide me with a hug , a word of encouragement , a card sent or a small squeeze on the shoulder while passing by .
Today , God sent me an angel called Belen. As I cried my troubles out to her , she encouraged me . AND tonight we are going to Casting Crowns Concert and we're going to jump up and down like little schoolgirls .
As for that cancer stricken car , its gonna be okay , because its strong and GOD is behind the wheel!
Then there is all the lovely paperwork that gets lost or entered wrong .Just last week it took two days to correct a mistake that resulted in my insurance card being expired . Had to pay full price for all my prescriptions.Thats not even fiunny when you have like three of them .Today , I didn't get paid because someone thought to do me a favor and save all my vacation for when I come back .....the vacation is good only until the end of the year . I won't be back by then . I guess , they thought I would be grateful, instead I'm just broke.
I could go on and on but then why should I relive it over again . My only consolation is that this time around I'm able to catch the mistakes right away AND people are really nice in trying to fix this . Just to let you get an idea of how it was last time........I didn't get paid for 6 weeks......6 weeks . I guess they thought I didn't need the money . My sister-in-law, Tammy , was wonderful in handling all these things for me back then .
I believe the devil has been chasing me and chasing me but he just can't seem to catch me . He's been throwing monkey wrenches in my path trying to discourage me.To make me cry and feel helpless . I don't need him to tell me I'm not in control . I know I'm not in control here . The thing is , he seems to think he's in charge .
No matter , how bad things get , God takes care of me . HE always seems to send an angel disguised as a girlfriend , fellow churchgoer , a small gesture by a stranger or a loved one . AND they provide me with a hug , a word of encouragement , a card sent or a small squeeze on the shoulder while passing by .
Today , God sent me an angel called Belen. As I cried my troubles out to her , she encouraged me . AND tonight we are going to Casting Crowns Concert and we're going to jump up and down like little schoolgirls .
As for that cancer stricken car , its gonna be okay , because its strong and GOD is behind the wheel!
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Getting Angry
Last night as I was "blogging" I could feel a certain anger rising . It really surprised me since I wasn't writing on an "angry" subject.I guess I have been suppressing my anger regarding this cancer comeback.I am angry.I AM ANGRY.
Why shouldn't I be?! Last time I almost died.I am a miracle .What I'm going through now is a picnic compared to the first time.It took all of the 4 1/2 yrs. to move on. My body still hasn't completely healed.Its not just about healing physically but also mentally.
I really, really wasn't expecting to go through this again...... AND it upsets me .Things were just starting to fall neatly into place.My feet were feeling the ground again.....firm ground .I could look into the future and actually see something . I was even starting to lose the weight.
Now what ? Back to square one.Its like running a race and a block before the finish line someone yells FOUL and you have to go back to the starting line.Well , I don't want to do this again .Its not just 6 months of treatment . Its 4 1/2 yrs of everything......of dealing with a body that doesn't resemble or act anything like it used to .
Then you get everyone on the sidelines telling you "stay positive" or "you can do it" or " you're stronger than you know". Easy for everyone to say . People are afraid of getting a shot .......how about taking my spot then?
Wow ! Didn't know all this was in me . Almost scary.....to think I could be so angry. Eve just had to touch that apple...
Why shouldn't I be?! Last time I almost died.I am a miracle .What I'm going through now is a picnic compared to the first time.It took all of the 4 1/2 yrs. to move on. My body still hasn't completely healed.Its not just about healing physically but also mentally.
I really, really wasn't expecting to go through this again...... AND it upsets me .Things were just starting to fall neatly into place.My feet were feeling the ground again.....firm ground .I could look into the future and actually see something . I was even starting to lose the weight.
Now what ? Back to square one.Its like running a race and a block before the finish line someone yells FOUL and you have to go back to the starting line.Well , I don't want to do this again .Its not just 6 months of treatment . Its 4 1/2 yrs of everything......of dealing with a body that doesn't resemble or act anything like it used to .
Then you get everyone on the sidelines telling you "stay positive" or "you can do it" or " you're stronger than you know". Easy for everyone to say . People are afraid of getting a shot .......how about taking my spot then?
Wow ! Didn't know all this was in me . Almost scary.....to think I could be so angry. Eve just had to touch that apple...
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
I , Genetics
We can become quite "comfortable" with our family history. I know I have. Looking back ,it almost gave me a false sense of security knowing that the women in my family live well into their nineties. My grandma is 92 yrs. old and in better health than me. Of course, I believed I was in that elite group of women.
In 2007 , I was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. Thats a pretty bad cancer to have because it keeps coming back.Just keeps coming back.....like a dandelion that you pull out and it just grows back.Annoying ? You better believe it.
When my healing began , that's when I hit the internet in search of other ovarian cancer survivors.It was so very important to me than to find at least one woman who didn't have to keep going thru this over and over again.It was like a mission and a mission that proved almost impossible.
I read bio after bio of women who were fighting this disease.I found one woman who has been a survivor for 12 yrs{at that time}but dealt with the cancer 4 times.It was so depressing but I could not walk away from that computer.With tears I searched site after site looking for some affirmation that I would live.I needed someone to tell me ", you will live".
So here I am surrounded by women living to a very old age . How did I get so " lucky" and be the one in the family with this cancer? Apparently, my cancer could be genetic because of my age. At that time , I was 42 yrs.old . So who in my family ? One little Aunt Emily {grandma's sister}that lived in France who died in her forties from a "women's cancer". Unbelievable. ........1 person..........how many generations ? Genetics , folks ,genetics.
Will I live into my nineties? Probably not. Do I really want to live that long ? Probably not , not if this keeps coming back all the time.I do know , I don't want to die from cancer . I want to die in my sleep ....its less painful that way.
In 2007 , I was diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. Thats a pretty bad cancer to have because it keeps coming back.Just keeps coming back.....like a dandelion that you pull out and it just grows back.Annoying ? You better believe it.
When my healing began , that's when I hit the internet in search of other ovarian cancer survivors.It was so very important to me than to find at least one woman who didn't have to keep going thru this over and over again.It was like a mission and a mission that proved almost impossible.
I read bio after bio of women who were fighting this disease.I found one woman who has been a survivor for 12 yrs{at that time}but dealt with the cancer 4 times.It was so depressing but I could not walk away from that computer.With tears I searched site after site looking for some affirmation that I would live.I needed someone to tell me ", you will live".
So here I am surrounded by women living to a very old age . How did I get so " lucky" and be the one in the family with this cancer? Apparently, my cancer could be genetic because of my age. At that time , I was 42 yrs.old . So who in my family ? One little Aunt Emily {grandma's sister}that lived in France who died in her forties from a "women's cancer". Unbelievable. ........1 person..........how many generations ? Genetics , folks ,genetics.
Will I live into my nineties? Probably not. Do I really want to live that long ? Probably not , not if this keeps coming back all the time.I do know , I don't want to die from cancer . I want to die in my sleep ....its less painful that way.
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Best Thing I Ever Ate
The nausea started as I wove in and out of the store aisles.Hoping to get all my shopping done as soon as possible I grabbed items quickly without really looking....one of them was a box of ordinary saltines.
Starting my car I opened a box of saltines.Popped one into my mouth.Never ...has anything ...tasted ...this good .It hit my stomach in just the right way.I closed my eyes and savored every crunchy bite.I picked up every crumb that fallen onto my lap.I just couldn't get enough of this stuff.My nausea was gone and forgotten.Flipped the ON switch and K-LOVE came on.The sun was shining,music was playing and I was munching starved for this stuff.
I felt like a teenager on a joyride.I was in heaven.Actually heard myself making "mmmmm" comments. Took a swig of my water...perfect..aahhh!!!!.What was so good about this?I know for sure I have eaten better ,lip smacking food.How come nothing ever tasted this good before?
Then a memory appeared of my first time at Willowcreek Church.I remember the peace I felt.How I looked down at my watch and a whole hour and half had passed and I didn't even notice!!Amazing!!! I understood the "sermon". No way.And I was in no hurry to leave.What was going on people? That was the beginning of the rest of my life.
There was a seed planted that day in the pit of my stomache. And it grew.Now nothing else satisfies me like that saltine. No amount of bonbons or eclairs could give me the nourishment that my soul needs.I can't image my life without Christ. HE satisfies my hunger.
Starting my car I opened a box of saltines.Popped one into my mouth.Never ...has anything ...tasted ...this good .It hit my stomach in just the right way.I closed my eyes and savored every crunchy bite.I picked up every crumb that fallen onto my lap.I just couldn't get enough of this stuff.My nausea was gone and forgotten.Flipped the ON switch and K-LOVE came on.The sun was shining,music was playing and I was munching starved for this stuff.
I felt like a teenager on a joyride.I was in heaven.Actually heard myself making "mmmmm" comments. Took a swig of my water...perfect..aahhh!!!!.What was so good about this?I know for sure I have eaten better ,lip smacking food.How come nothing ever tasted this good before?
Then a memory appeared of my first time at Willowcreek Church.I remember the peace I felt.How I looked down at my watch and a whole hour and half had passed and I didn't even notice!!Amazing!!! I understood the "sermon". No way.And I was in no hurry to leave.What was going on people? That was the beginning of the rest of my life.
There was a seed planted that day in the pit of my stomache. And it grew.Now nothing else satisfies me like that saltine. No amount of bonbons or eclairs could give me the nourishment that my soul needs.I can't image my life without Christ. HE satisfies my hunger.
My Christian Hat
Today is just not the day. After spending yet another sleepless night in the bathroom every 15 minutes ....I
......HAVE ..........HAD.........IT ! Today I'm just plain angry , tired of it all . Enough is enough. I want relief.Everyone better just stay away.
I drive Emily to work with all these emotions churning inside me.Yesterday , I wrote about brotherly love and today I just want to fight with everyone.How messed up is that? Dropping her off I look around for that delivery man.....better leave me alone today.
I'm whining......
I have spent the night in the bathroom every 15 minutes.I have burped more than the prenatal unit at Lutheran Hospital.Drank more water than a whale.Than I had the NERVE to go around boasting to people how I haven't had nausea at all ........really? Until now.That should teach me to just plain shut up.I'm bloated, ankles are swollen,hands and feet are tingling and numb......like when your leg goes to sleep and you try to move.....AND you think I ate a whole barrel of beans.Can't even enjoy my food.There is an aftertaste of metal in my mouth.My stomache is upset.You think with all of this I would LOSE weight.No, no,no,Lottie has to GAIN weight.
To make matters worse, I glance at the calendar and realize it has only been a week since the chemo.Only a week........it seems like a lifetime.It has been a very,very long week. I have , At least , 5 long months more of this.Oh goodie.
I think back to my title ,"Enjoying The Journey ".I really don't know where the title came from.I just started typing and it appeared.Are you enjoying it yet ,Lottie?
After this emotional outburst I realize I need to just stay in ...lock the doors and not answer the phone.My Christian hat has been teethering ......TEETHERING.For the safety of others , I recline to the armchair with Emily on the sofa..Both of us wearing the latest fashion in mixmatched wouldn't be caught dead in lounge wear.
Emily pops a French movie in with subtitles and I feel a tug on my crocheting hook......its Diamond , the cat, having a ball with the yarn rolling around playing.This is not bad.This is kind of nice.
Glance down at my big feet and a big smile appears.........just realized something........I won't have to pluck anything or shave anything for months. : )
......HAVE ..........HAD.........IT ! Today I'm just plain angry , tired of it all . Enough is enough. I want relief.Everyone better just stay away.
I drive Emily to work with all these emotions churning inside me.Yesterday , I wrote about brotherly love and today I just want to fight with everyone.How messed up is that? Dropping her off I look around for that delivery man.....better leave me alone today.
I'm whining......
I have spent the night in the bathroom every 15 minutes.I have burped more than the prenatal unit at Lutheran Hospital.Drank more water than a whale.Than I had the NERVE to go around boasting to people how I haven't had nausea at all ........really? Until now.That should teach me to just plain shut up.I'm bloated, ankles are swollen,hands and feet are tingling and numb......like when your leg goes to sleep and you try to move.....AND you think I ate a whole barrel of beans.Can't even enjoy my food.There is an aftertaste of metal in my mouth.My stomache is upset.You think with all of this I would LOSE weight.No, no,no,Lottie has to GAIN weight.
To make matters worse, I glance at the calendar and realize it has only been a week since the chemo.Only a week........it seems like a lifetime.It has been a very,very long week. I have , At least , 5 long months more of this.Oh goodie.
I think back to my title ,"Enjoying The Journey ".I really don't know where the title came from.I just started typing and it appeared.Are you enjoying it yet ,Lottie?
After this emotional outburst I realize I need to just stay in ...lock the doors and not answer the phone.My Christian hat has been teethering ......TEETHERING.For the safety of others , I recline to the armchair with Emily on the sofa..Both of us wearing the latest fashion in mixmatched wouldn't be caught dead in lounge wear.
Emily pops a French movie in with subtitles and I feel a tug on my crocheting hook......its Diamond , the cat, having a ball with the yarn rolling around playing.This is not bad.This is kind of nice.
Glance down at my big feet and a big smile appears.........just realized something........I won't have to pluck anything or shave anything for months. : )
Monday, October 24, 2011
It Takes A Tragedy
Every morning I drop Emily off to work and every morning I run into this young man who delivers all the baking goods . I irritate this young man .I don't move fast enough for him.I'm in his way . I park in the wrong spot. My very presence seems to send him off into a tirade of slamming car doors and throwing things around , waving hand gestures.
What is he so angry about?What could be so important to generate such anger. I don't know but I felt sorry for him.This anger will eat him alive .
It seems that a tragedy has to occurr for us to be thankful and appreciative of our family , our friends.....our lives.I know I have changed.Things are just not that important to me anymore.
Who cares if the guy in front of me cuts me off.Whats the rush? How about the friends that we always say we'll get together with but never find the time.Or a playdate with our own children because we feel like we need to work all the time.
I want to find time to do these things.I want to find time for the people in my life.Let go of past issues that are weighing us down.Arguments with others. Are they really that important? If a tragedy struck your family......believe me these issues wouldn't even matter.
What is he so angry about?What could be so important to generate such anger. I don't know but I felt sorry for him.This anger will eat him alive .
It seems that a tragedy has to occurr for us to be thankful and appreciative of our family , our friends.....our lives.I know I have changed.Things are just not that important to me anymore.
Who cares if the guy in front of me cuts me off.Whats the rush? How about the friends that we always say we'll get together with but never find the time.Or a playdate with our own children because we feel like we need to work all the time.
I want to find time to do these things.I want to find time for the people in my life.Let go of past issues that are weighing us down.Arguments with others. Are they really that important? If a tragedy struck your family......believe me these issues wouldn't even matter.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Why Are We So Afraid To Die ?
We , as Christians , have been taught about Heaven.We look forward to seeing Christ face to face.We know that it is a place filled with love , where sorrow and pain doesn't exist.It is a paradise unlike we have ever known.
Yet, we are so afraid to die. We fight for every breath to stay here.Yet , we know there is something so much better.Something so unbelievably great we can't even imagine it.Why do we do this?Why are we so afraid of dying and going to Heaven?
I know what I'm afraid of .....I'm afraid of what will happen to my children .I want an affirmation that they will be okay.I'm afraid of having not lived to my full potential.That life has passed me by because I have let it.I'm afraid of what I might not be able to experience like a grandchild.But most of all I am afraid of the pain of dying.
I don't want to die a painful death.I don't want to burn to death;or drown ; or get shot or worse .....tortured.I just want to close my eyes and POOF I'm in heaven.I think thats what we all are really afraid of.Its not the dying but the experience of dying.We want it to be nice and easy and comfortable.We want to look good in our coffins.
How many times have we made light of our own funerals. Told our loved ones what kind of songs we want played.What clothes we want to be wearing or last requests that we may make of them.I was in that same place as everyone else.Now , since my first bout with cancer, none of that matters to me.Somehow , I know that when the time comes , I will follow without a backwards glance.Even though , I will be scared...I'm scared now.
Yet, we are so afraid to die. We fight for every breath to stay here.Yet , we know there is something so much better.Something so unbelievably great we can't even imagine it.Why do we do this?Why are we so afraid of dying and going to Heaven?
I know what I'm afraid of .....I'm afraid of what will happen to my children .I want an affirmation that they will be okay.I'm afraid of having not lived to my full potential.That life has passed me by because I have let it.I'm afraid of what I might not be able to experience like a grandchild.But most of all I am afraid of the pain of dying.
I don't want to die a painful death.I don't want to burn to death;or drown ; or get shot or worse .....tortured.I just want to close my eyes and POOF I'm in heaven.I think thats what we all are really afraid of.Its not the dying but the experience of dying.We want it to be nice and easy and comfortable.We want to look good in our coffins.
How many times have we made light of our own funerals. Told our loved ones what kind of songs we want played.What clothes we want to be wearing or last requests that we may make of them.I was in that same place as everyone else.Now , since my first bout with cancer, none of that matters to me.Somehow , I know that when the time comes , I will follow without a backwards glance.Even though , I will be scared...I'm scared now.
I'm Fine.....Keep Telling Yourself That.
Last night my body gave out.Had plans to go to a church event ,"The Art of Worship".Been looking forward to it all week.I just couldn't get my body to get up.I was so drained of all energy.I looked over to Emily's room and it was dark. She was getting her much needed sleep.We've been exhausted running on empty pretending everything is fine.
I look around my room full of unpacked boxes.Can't even see the carpet.We moved in September and I've yet to unpack.Every room is done except my bedroom.How ironic.Instead of tackling the problem all I'm doing is shoving boxes from one corner to the next.When am I going to deal with this?
In a way , I've been doing the same with my illness.Kept myself busy with this blog and answering e-mails.Doing errands and offering my help.Postponing any kind of emotional outburst on my part.You see,a month ago, I broke down and cried the entire weekend.If anyone looked at me, I burst out crying.I think , in a way, I've been avoiding another outburst like that.I don't want to feel weak.I don't want this sickness to rule over me.
Just a few days ago,I thought to myself,how calm I felt about it all.My one goal in life that I have always strived for spiritually is complete trust in God.Turn it over all to him.I know people who have reached that goal.I know it can be done.I assumed I was reaching that goal.
I realized this morning as I laid awake in bed, that achieving that goal would require some work on my part.Sitting here waiting for GOD to wave a magic wand over my head saying ,"POOF, now you have peace".Well,thats just plain silly.But I think we are scared of what we will find once we start peeling away the layers.Its hard to truly look at oneself in the mirror.....truly look.Its hard to admit failures and faults.
How else will we grow? How else will we better ourselves? How else will we develop a lasting and loving relationship with God? I want to find that peace ..that everlasting serenity that only HE can provide.
Joyce Meyers' once said that all you hear in the Bible is Jesus telling people to GET UP.Right now ,I need to GET UP and tackle this room.
I look around my room full of unpacked boxes.Can't even see the carpet.We moved in September and I've yet to unpack.Every room is done except my bedroom.How ironic.Instead of tackling the problem all I'm doing is shoving boxes from one corner to the next.When am I going to deal with this?
In a way , I've been doing the same with my illness.Kept myself busy with this blog and answering e-mails.Doing errands and offering my help.Postponing any kind of emotional outburst on my part.You see,a month ago, I broke down and cried the entire weekend.If anyone looked at me, I burst out crying.I think , in a way, I've been avoiding another outburst like that.I don't want to feel weak.I don't want this sickness to rule over me.
Just a few days ago,I thought to myself,how calm I felt about it all.My one goal in life that I have always strived for spiritually is complete trust in God.Turn it over all to him.I know people who have reached that goal.I know it can be done.I assumed I was reaching that goal.
I realized this morning as I laid awake in bed, that achieving that goal would require some work on my part.Sitting here waiting for GOD to wave a magic wand over my head saying ,"POOF, now you have peace".Well,thats just plain silly.But I think we are scared of what we will find once we start peeling away the layers.Its hard to truly look at oneself in the mirror.....truly look.Its hard to admit failures and faults.
How else will we grow? How else will we better ourselves? How else will we develop a lasting and loving relationship with God? I want to find that peace ..that everlasting serenity that only HE can provide.
Joyce Meyers' once said that all you hear in the Bible is Jesus telling people to GET UP.Right now ,I need to GET UP and tackle this room.
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Finding Solace
The last two days have been very trying. My chemo has always hit me hard on the 2nd or 3rd day the worst . It has entered my joints and legs.Very difficult moving around.I can feel every nerve , every ache, every joint . This weather is not helping either .
There is a benefit to going thru this the second time.You know what to expect and prepare yourself for it both mentally and physically . I pull out all the tricks I learned the first time around .Last night was real hard and sleep didn't come easy . I benefited from a therapist 4 yrs ago who taught me breathing exercises , laying down in the dark with music breathing in and out slowly . This has always worked for me.The music choice for me then and now has always been Christian. I can find no other that can lift my spirit or exclaim my feelings the way Worship music does . I recommend everyone try it but on a quieter level....softly playing.It helps so much with the pain .
But there is one solace that has helped me tremendously and that's my Women's Group .The Fellowship I get from these women , who range from all ages , is priceless . They lift me up when I'm down .They advise me when I feel like I don't know what to do next . They encourage me and they hold me accountable . I know for a fact , that last night they all prayed for me . There is nothing that they wouldn't do for me and I for them .
Tonight , as I made my way to that group....my feet aching and tired as I was, I knew that even for a little while they would make me forget . We would laugh , cry and be serious .....and I could forget my pain even for awhile.Women need other women .We need to be role models for each other. We find solace in each other.
It was Erma Bombeck that said once when asked for advice by a newlwed young woman to a successful marriage ,"Get yourself lots of girlfriends." Me ? I would add,"and join a women group."
There is a benefit to going thru this the second time.You know what to expect and prepare yourself for it both mentally and physically . I pull out all the tricks I learned the first time around .Last night was real hard and sleep didn't come easy . I benefited from a therapist 4 yrs ago who taught me breathing exercises , laying down in the dark with music breathing in and out slowly . This has always worked for me.The music choice for me then and now has always been Christian. I can find no other that can lift my spirit or exclaim my feelings the way Worship music does . I recommend everyone try it but on a quieter level....softly playing.It helps so much with the pain .
But there is one solace that has helped me tremendously and that's my Women's Group .The Fellowship I get from these women , who range from all ages , is priceless . They lift me up when I'm down .They advise me when I feel like I don't know what to do next . They encourage me and they hold me accountable . I know for a fact , that last night they all prayed for me . There is nothing that they wouldn't do for me and I for them .
Tonight , as I made my way to that group....my feet aching and tired as I was, I knew that even for a little while they would make me forget . We would laugh , cry and be serious .....and I could forget my pain even for awhile.Women need other women .We need to be role models for each other. We find solace in each other.
It was Erma Bombeck that said once when asked for advice by a newlwed young woman to a successful marriage ,"Get yourself lots of girlfriends." Me ? I would add,"and join a women group."
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Unspoken Voices
Today I have no witty remarks to tell you.Today I am tired.I feel every achy bone in my body and I'm tired.Today the clouds opened up in rain feeling my mood .
I've read so many of your emails telling me of your stories....your pain. The unspoken voices of all the parents , husbands , wives , daughters , sons , aunts, uncles , brothers , sisters ,friends , co-workers , in-laws etc,etc.Its so much easier to write it all down , because then noone will see you breakdown and cry.We are to be strong , aren't we? I am guilty of that.When people approach me I panic like that. They might see I don't have it together.
So many stories....so many stories....so many tears . So for all of the people battling heart disease , strokes , cancer , dementia , ailing parents , a child diagnosed with Austism or a marriage that is broken .Do not let anyone diminish your FAITH and your HOPE because we are miracles of GOD.
Today , kneel down and scream his name ,"Lord , where are you? Help me , I am hurting ". Pour out your heart and cry .HE is ready with arms wide open to receive you.Let HIM carry you.
To all my hurting friends I dedicate this to you......its okay to cry.
What Faith Can Do
by:Kutlass
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
I've read so many of your emails telling me of your stories....your pain. The unspoken voices of all the parents , husbands , wives , daughters , sons , aunts, uncles , brothers , sisters ,friends , co-workers , in-laws etc,etc.Its so much easier to write it all down , because then noone will see you breakdown and cry.We are to be strong , aren't we? I am guilty of that.When people approach me I panic like that. They might see I don't have it together.
So many stories....so many stories....so many tears . So for all of the people battling heart disease , strokes , cancer , dementia , ailing parents , a child diagnosed with Austism or a marriage that is broken .Do not let anyone diminish your FAITH and your HOPE because we are miracles of GOD.
Today , kneel down and scream his name ,"Lord , where are you? Help me , I am hurting ". Pour out your heart and cry .HE is ready with arms wide open to receive you.Let HIM carry you.
To all my hurting friends I dedicate this to you......its okay to cry.
What Faith Can Do
by:Kutlass
Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes
And make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think it's more than you can take
But you're stronger
Stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason
For someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise
Tuesday, October 18, 2011
My Life:I Flew Over The Cuckoo Nest
Its 7am...time to get up.Bathroom break.Break out the clorox wipes.Look in mirror at red face with turkey gobbler.Pill one , pill two , pill three.Hands are numb and tingling . Head hurts and hot flashes are raging.Stomach queasy . Diahhrea in the morning and constipation in the afternoon . Drink 50 gallons of water a day. Burp.Bathroom break.More clorox wipes.
Wipe down the apartment.Bring out more clorox wipes.Have something to eat.Clorox wipes.Say goodbye to houseplants.Niece Kathy babysit plants for 6 months.Better not kill houseplants Kathy!Bathroom break.Don't forget the wipes.
Doctor schedules for three weeks: Genetics Doctor,Oncology Doctor,Gyno Doctor,Internist Doctor,labs , Oncology Doctor again ,Infusion. One week break.
Mail out FMLA papers.Pick up prescriptions at Walgreens.Insurance card has expired.Worked at Avon for 16 years and insurance card never expired....until today.Take 10 minutes to cuss at all the medical forms , work forms , red tape ,Fmla papers , glitches in the system ,old address and phone number still on file and not entered into system.Long term disability.Short term disability.FORMS.Bleep.Bleep.Bleep.
Whew ! Take a nap .
Check messages.... 30 ....all from mother..."Honey , did you rest today"?
11 pm bed.More clorox wipes.12:15 am. cold sweats . 2 am bathroom break.Clorox wipes. 3:30 am cold sweats . 5am cold sweats and bathroom break . Clorox wipes. 7 am alarm rings. Bathroom.Clorox wipes.Look in mirror at red face with turkey clobber.Pill one , pill two, pill three . Darn ...out of clorox wipes.
Wipe down the apartment.Bring out more clorox wipes.Have something to eat.Clorox wipes.Say goodbye to houseplants.Niece Kathy babysit plants for 6 months.Better not kill houseplants Kathy!Bathroom break.Don't forget the wipes.
Doctor schedules for three weeks: Genetics Doctor,Oncology Doctor,Gyno Doctor,Internist Doctor,labs , Oncology Doctor again ,Infusion. One week break.
Mail out FMLA papers.Pick up prescriptions at Walgreens.Insurance card has expired.Worked at Avon for 16 years and insurance card never expired....until today.Take 10 minutes to cuss at all the medical forms , work forms , red tape ,Fmla papers , glitches in the system ,old address and phone number still on file and not entered into system.Long term disability.Short term disability.FORMS.Bleep.Bleep.Bleep.
Whew ! Take a nap .
Check messages.... 30 ....all from mother..."Honey , did you rest today"?
11 pm bed.More clorox wipes.12:15 am. cold sweats . 2 am bathroom break.Clorox wipes. 3:30 am cold sweats . 5am cold sweats and bathroom break . Clorox wipes. 7 am alarm rings. Bathroom.Clorox wipes.Look in mirror at red face with turkey clobber.Pill one , pill two, pill three . Darn ...out of clorox wipes.
Monday, October 17, 2011
We Fall Apart
Today at chemo , just when it was time to go in , my Emily fell apart completely.Totally brokedown....meltdown city. Cried and cried . She couldn't go in.Its almost like reality finally sanked in.She sat in the waiting room.It was , to say the least , a very hard day.
It occurred to me that this isn't just about me.Even though I may want it to be ME , ME , PAMPER ME , LOOK AT ME I GOT CANCER .....there are other people in this too.I am important to my family.They love me and care about me.To think that they are not experiencing trauma , fear ,disappointment is pretty silly of me.
Especially my children.My children , who have always seen me in the role of the strong one,dependable, unbreakable .We , as parents , spell security to our children.We are the foundation and when that foundation is cracked they are lost.Their security blanket is being taken away.To this day , both of my kids can't see me bald.It just brings it home for them.
I looked at my phone and it was full.My mom dominated the messages and for once I didn't feel smothered.I just picked up the phone and dialed her number . I am her daughter and she must be devasted.If there is one thing I learned today its that we all are suffering. Not just me.
As I had my infusion , all I could think about was the song by Josh Wilson ,"Fall Apart".How appropriate for what we are going through as a family. For those of you who have never heard it , I want to share it with you .The lyrics are very powerful.
FALL APART
Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know You when my life was good?
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise
Now it all seems upside down
'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need?
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart
Blessed are the ones who understand
We got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You
And it all seems upside down
I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing
That has ever happened to me
It occurred to me that this isn't just about me.Even though I may want it to be ME , ME , PAMPER ME , LOOK AT ME I GOT CANCER .....there are other people in this too.I am important to my family.They love me and care about me.To think that they are not experiencing trauma , fear ,disappointment is pretty silly of me.
Especially my children.My children , who have always seen me in the role of the strong one,dependable, unbreakable .We , as parents , spell security to our children.We are the foundation and when that foundation is cracked they are lost.Their security blanket is being taken away.To this day , both of my kids can't see me bald.It just brings it home for them.
I looked at my phone and it was full.My mom dominated the messages and for once I didn't feel smothered.I just picked up the phone and dialed her number . I am her daughter and she must be devasted.If there is one thing I learned today its that we all are suffering. Not just me.
As I had my infusion , all I could think about was the song by Josh Wilson ,"Fall Apart".How appropriate for what we are going through as a family. For those of you who have never heard it , I want to share it with you .The lyrics are very powerful.
FALL APART
Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know You when my life was good?
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise
Now it all seems upside down
'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need?
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart
Blessed are the ones who understand
We got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You
And it all seems upside down
I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing
That has ever happened to me
Are You Angry With God?
Sunday, October 16, 2011
A Blank Page
Sat down to write my daily blog and my mind went blank just like the page in front of me.What I planned to write suddenly I couldn't remember.I guess God had other plans for me.
All day today I walked around with a smile on my face and a happy retort on my lips.Everyone I ran into gave me hugs and told me how sorry they were .They were very sincere..you could feel it in their embrace and their voice.
I realize now that I've been faking it.You see,tomorrow I will be starting my first chemo treatment.Didn't realize just how depressing that really is.As I sat staring at that blank page , I realized that this blank page represented my future.
I remember feeling the same way the first time around.I didn't see a future then.It was totally blank.Just like now.A blank page.
But there is a difference the second time around.My feelings are different.My approach is different and yes my outlook is different.
This blank page represents to me my future that is unknown to all of us.No one can predict the writing that will go on this blank page.There is only one person who can and HIS name is JEHOVAH.
All day today I walked around with a smile on my face and a happy retort on my lips.Everyone I ran into gave me hugs and told me how sorry they were .They were very sincere..you could feel it in their embrace and their voice.
I realize now that I've been faking it.You see,tomorrow I will be starting my first chemo treatment.Didn't realize just how depressing that really is.As I sat staring at that blank page , I realized that this blank page represented my future.
I remember feeling the same way the first time around.I didn't see a future then.It was totally blank.Just like now.A blank page.
But there is a difference the second time around.My feelings are different.My approach is different and yes my outlook is different.
This blank page represents to me my future that is unknown to all of us.No one can predict the writing that will go on this blank page.There is only one person who can and HIS name is JEHOVAH.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Home Remedy #396
When my doctor informed me that my cancer might be back....I didn't tell anyone .I kept it to myself.Kept telling myself that there was no need to worry anyone until we knew for sure.But thats not the real reason.
The truth is I didn't feel I could handle everyone coming at me.Don't get me wrong.People really mean well.They really do.I was in no physical shape to handle them.I was the emotional wreck.I still am.
People feel they need to HELP you in some way.I cannot tell you all the home remedies I have been given to cure this cancer.I should drink beet juice,eat cabbage and my favorite.......... Milk Thistle Seed Tea.Isn't this that thing that sticks to your pants when you walk through the woods?And then there is the stuff I can't even pronounce like astragulas.What is that anyway?
Then there is the advice on what I need to give up to cure this thing....Like coffee,airplanes.Yes , airplanes.Its not good for me to travel at this time.Nor can I lift anything heavy.I could go and on.So basically all I need to do is go outside and rip a piece of bark off a tree and make tea with it and I'll be cured.
I just need one thing from everyone....I need PRAYER.
The truth is I didn't feel I could handle everyone coming at me.Don't get me wrong.People really mean well.They really do.I was in no physical shape to handle them.I was the emotional wreck.I still am.
People feel they need to HELP you in some way.I cannot tell you all the home remedies I have been given to cure this cancer.I should drink beet juice,eat cabbage and my favorite.......... Milk Thistle Seed Tea.Isn't this that thing that sticks to your pants when you walk through the woods?And then there is the stuff I can't even pronounce like astragulas.What is that anyway?
Then there is the advice on what I need to give up to cure this thing....Like coffee,airplanes.Yes , airplanes.Its not good for me to travel at this time.Nor can I lift anything heavy.I could go and on.So basically all I need to do is go outside and rip a piece of bark off a tree and make tea with it and I'll be cured.
I just need one thing from everyone....I need PRAYER.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Hello Linda
We all experience a moment where we have to do an unpleasant task.It could be unpleasant for many reasons.I have an unpleasant task set before me today.Can't put it off any longer.
I have to tell my friend Linda that my cancer is back.Its particularly difficult because Linda is also fighting cancer at this time.What is even more ironic is the fact that we fought cancer the first time together also.I have been keeping this a SECRET from her since I found out 6 weeks ago.
Linda's cancer came back a few months ago and she took comfort in knowing I was okay.This will be a huge shock for her.You see,Linda loves me with all of her heart.I know this.I see this.I feel this.We all have a friend like that...one we know loves us no matter what.Whether we deserve it or not .
When I found out about her cancer..I burst out sobbing...not even crying but sobbing.I honestly don't know if I cried for Linda or for myself.But I was scared for myself.I know this now.Its a shameful thing to admit about oneself.But I was scared that I would be next.
Even now when I think about this very fact ...I'm ashamed.I never considered myself to be self-centered but I behaved in that manner even if it was for a moment.Just when we think we are so good........Jesus pops something out of us to remind US to look in the mirror once in awhile and really see ourselves.
Well,time to make that phonecall,"Hello Linda"?
I have to tell my friend Linda that my cancer is back.Its particularly difficult because Linda is also fighting cancer at this time.What is even more ironic is the fact that we fought cancer the first time together also.I have been keeping this a SECRET from her since I found out 6 weeks ago.
Linda's cancer came back a few months ago and she took comfort in knowing I was okay.This will be a huge shock for her.You see,Linda loves me with all of her heart.I know this.I see this.I feel this.We all have a friend like that...one we know loves us no matter what.Whether we deserve it or not .
When I found out about her cancer..I burst out sobbing...not even crying but sobbing.I honestly don't know if I cried for Linda or for myself.But I was scared for myself.I know this now.Its a shameful thing to admit about oneself.But I was scared that I would be next.
Even now when I think about this very fact ...I'm ashamed.I never considered myself to be self-centered but I behaved in that manner even if it was for a moment.Just when we think we are so good........Jesus pops something out of us to remind US to look in the mirror once in awhile and really see ourselves.
Well,time to make that phonecall,"Hello Linda"?
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Just Being Still
Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey. When thou hast thanked thy God For every blessing sent...
