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Showing posts from November, 2011

Praise The Lord

Someone very dear to me , gave me a book four years ago , " 90 Minutes In Heaven ". That book changed my life . No book has ever meant more to me than this one . It dealt with the different changes and emotions we experience as we deal with an illness .
     I remember a certain chapter ,  where the author had a hard time dealing with accepting how his body changed after his recovery . It dealt with his limitations . I feel so naivee whenever I remember my reaction about his feelings on that subject . I just couldn't understand why he was having such a hard time . I believe it took him like three years to accept his new life .  Now , it just makes me smile . It's been almost 5 years for me and I still can't accept my limitations .
    The funny thing is , this time , some other  dear person gave me another book to read . This one is called , " 31 Days Of Praise ". I seem to have a thing for numbers .
      As I started my first chapter , I feel a…

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time
there was a middle aged woman
all sick and frail
whose biggest fear
was weighing upon the scale
after much wear and tear
upon her body and soul
her heart called out
let's runaway and explore
where shall we go ?
to the country , to the country
let it be so
where the trees grow tall
and wildflowers roam
where there is no wall
built around her soul
she can run around free
drinking her tea
taking naps under a tree
and come Sunday morn
off to Church she goes
singing praise and thanks
to the One
who gave her life
each day once more

A Fork In The Road

I had a very interesting conversation with one of my sister-in-laws . I have no idea how we got on the subject of life and death . I made a comment to her how I felt like I wasn't going back to work . That on my last day there , I felt like I was saying goodbye for the last time . She , of course , asked me if I thought I would die .
   I don't know if I will die . What I meant is that I feel like my purpose here is over . That there is something different ....a new life...a new purpose ....a new beginning .Whether that is here on this earth , I don't know . I just know that life as I know it ,  is over for me . There is a fork in the road .
  She told me that it looked like I made peace with my condition this time . No , I didn't . When I first found out , I burst out crying in front of the doctor . I wasn't expecting to hear anything like that . So what changed ? I don't know . Maybe , this blog . Making fun of it . Writing about  it . Not sure really how …
I'm almost ashamed to admit ........but.....I really miss my hair .
   With all the struggles I dealt with in these 4 yrs.  concerning my appearance , I really loved my hair . Over the years , our hair goes through so much damage with all the blow drying , curling irons , frostings , dying , etc. My hair was baby new . It came back thick , wavy and baby fine ! I loved it .Even the color was fantastic . People thought I dyed my hair and wanted to know  the color . I felt beautiful .
   Yesterday , as I was getting ready for our Thanksgiving Dinner , I missed all that fussing we women do with our hair . I was ready  in like 10 minutes . I wear my scarves in different , fashionable ways so I don't feel unattractive ......so I don't look so much of a cancer patient .
   We are such vain people . I never considered myself a vain person but I am one . I learned  something about myself . I care alot about my appearance . I may not look like I care , but I really do . Believe…

Has Anyone Seen My Identity ?

These past few days have been quite nice . Even though , some of my blogs might have seemed to be a little " depressing ", it still has been nice to have some quiet time to think . To reflect and regroup . You can find out alot about yourself .
   Years  ago , I would clean out my closets and drawers whenever I felt overwhelmed with life . It felt like I was cleaning up  and organizing my life . Well , it doesn't work this time . One of the reasons why I feel so disappointed in my cancer returning is because I'm afraid of losing my identity .
   These past 4 years have not been easy for me . While everyone was extremely happy my cancer was in remission , I on the other hand , struggled emotionally with the aftermath of cancer . The person I saw in the mirror didn't resemble anyone I knew . The person on the inside definitely didn't match either . It really was a struggle to adjust to living .
    People were like , you can live your life now , but how ca…

Dying

Dying
             ( Cease to be alive . Cease to exist or function . Fade away .)
    What a funny definition of death . We stop existing , functioning and we fade away . Poof ! Like we never been here . It makes it sound like we disappear and all our existence is erased .
    As you can see , I have been thinking alot about death . Not in a morbid sort of way .I've been thinking of the different aspects of death . We use that word to mean so many different things. We are dying for a piece of chocolate . Our relationship is dying . My body is dying . I'm dying spiritually inside .
   There are so many ways to die. We can die quickly , painfully , long suffering illnesses  and self -induced ways . We all hope of dying in our sleep . We're cowards like that . I've always been in awe of people who take their own life . I'm too scared of God and His wrath to do that . But honestly , I'm also scared of messing it up and then I might end up in a wheelchair or…

More God Moments

These God Moments seemed to touch a chord in people . I open my e-mail and its full of inspirational stories and songs . Even at the Wedding on Sunday , I was given inspirational stories that were found in a magazine . Obviously , people want to HOPE . So once again .....more God Moments.


MONTCLARE
I have have a bad week and decided to lean on the Lord and youtube for Hope. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y1wtgLAytA&feature=related I found myself playing this one again and again. This may not be what you had in mind, but this is how I dealt with my pain and found relief. Hallelujah Jesus saves MELROSE PARK In 2005 Nite Life Cafe was New Life Melrose saturday nite service. Being a single mom I was there anxious, fretting over the troubles that the next week would bring. While there.....I shook someones hand - there was a Twenty in it. A friend showed up with some clothes for me - (we had been trying to meet up for months)  Another friend went fishing, and shared what she caught, wit…

Dark Shadows All Around Me

My mood is a dark one . I feel that something has been chasing me ....a dark shadow ...something I can't quite pinpoint . It keeps following me around , taunting me , playing elusive games with me . Just when I think I can turn around fast enough to see what is behind me......I find IT is faster than me .
   Eversince , this past chemo , I've been feeling this dread . Never ,  have I ever felt so bad after a treatment like now . I feel sick and exhausted......WEAK . I feel weak . I put on a big front , but honestly , I hate this . I'm tired of this road .
   Someone at the wedding yesterday , another cancer survivor , made a remark how he is waiting for the cancer to return , because it will come . Maybe , this dark shadow , is that cancer . I will not be able to kill it , only subdue it . It will always be lurking in the shadows waiting to jump me . To overtake me . It's like living a life on the run . Who wants to live like  that ?
   Somehow I have to make fri…

Nostalgic

Back in March , my son got married and started a chain of events that propelled our family on the road of re-discovery of each other . From that point on , the family had a full agenda of marriage proposals , wedding showers  and weddings . My time was spent traveling from Michigan to Indiana to Wisconsin and Springfield . We, as a  family ,  have never had such a whirlwind of events .
  My son started it and my niece ended it . Today is her Wedding Day . I know that it will be a while before another year like this one .
  I was up all night , tossing and turning , thinking of my life . It is always so much harder when the girl gets married . It takes a girl to understand a girl . I thought of all the couples that got married this year . The new life they have started as a couple...as a family . I thought of how my family enjoyed themselves at each Wedding . How much closer we have become . How I didn't want the closeness to end .
  I thought how happy they all looked on thei…

God Moments

Well , everyone , here are some God Moments . I hope you find them inspirational as much as I did .

Random Lake , Wisconsin
I had all 4 of my children in our old station wagon.    We were going to the library in Random Lake.   We had to cross a two lane, busy, highway.   I stopped at the proper place and then proceeded to cross the highway.   However, the car quit right there in the middle of the road.   I tried and tried to get it started.  It just clicked and clicked, but didn't fire up.   I looked to my right and saw a car coming in that same lane.   I tried again and still the car wouldn't start.   I just breathed a prayer "God help us".  When I looked again there was a policeman and he had poistioned himself in the right lane and turned on his emergency lights and that car stopped.  
The officer came to us and asked what was the matter.   By then I was crying and told him I just couldn't get the car started.   He just told me to take the car home and have …

My Top Ten List

Since this is my second bout with cancer ,  I have discovered that I have a routine , a repetition of  things that I only do when I have cancer . This just came to me yesterday in the waiting room . Funny , the things we think about when we have time . Here is my top ten list of things I only do when I have cancer.

10. I found that I have great patience when I have cancer . I can sit in the doctor's waiting room without a complaint . I also found that as soon as the cancer goes in remission , so does my patience .
9. I have also found that I can out burp , out belch and pass gas better than any sailor out there . Come on  , challenge me !
8. Another great accomplishment ....I can crochet like a mad woman !!! I can whip out blankets faster than a rabbit can have babies !
7. I also have found that I have a whole collection of books , journals and puzzles of every kind you can imagine that I only take out during cancer and doctor visits . Seriously .
6. I have found that I do not…

I Have A Request

Whatever my plans for the blog were today, they  will have to go on hold . I have other pressing issues to bring up . I received a phone call this evening that certainly was a " God Moment ". I could not get this event out of my head . It made me realize something very important .
    People  tell me how positive I am during this journey of mine , but this is a lie . This is a facade , but that's another story .....another time . It did alter how I felt . It uplifted my spirits . Here I was laying down after just coming home from my chemo and I was dead tired . I mean my body actually felt like dead weight . I just hit the bed and didn ' t move . The whole time I'm thinking how in the world am I going to perform all my duties for the next two weeks . This chemo took everything out of me .
   This " God Moment " changed all that . Then I started remembering the many " God Moments " in my life  and how they re-affirmed my faith . I thought …

Uncharted Waters

It's Monday and a scary week for me . Tomorrow ,  I'm starting a different chemo and I'm a little worried about the side effects it will have . Not to mention " my other problems " that keep resurfacing over and over again . Even my car is starting to act up again . It all is coming to a head this week .
   So since it is Monday , I want to change the whole attitude of this week and approach it in a light-hearted , funny way . Here is a story I wrote about a day Emily and I experienced at Schiller Woods . Hope this puts a smile on your face as you start your week .............


Hello everyone!
                      Today, Emily did the unbelievable!She took her cat Diamond to the woods for an adventure and for some exercise.Yes,it sounds unbelievable but it really happened.
                    The only way I can explain how the process went getting Diamond from the house into the car is just think of trying to give a cat a bath.Lets just say that my daugther w…

Great Expectations

We all have such great expectations of what will happen in our lives . We plan and organize so everything will turn out the way we want it to . Sometimes we just dream and fantasize of how we want our lives to turn out .
     The first time I found out I had cancer , I wasn't  as traumatized as people think . I thought to myself that I'll go in and have the surgery . Then afterwards , have the chemo and go back to work . Clean cut and simple ...in and out . That's how I handled life back then . Make a list , do the list and move on to the next list . That's not quite what happened . I was naive .
     This time around , I ran around preparing all the details because I am a pro at this , right ? I knew what to expect or at least I kept telling myself that . When treatment time would come , I planned on staying home recooperating . I would do all those things I set aside for later . I would keep away from people because I didn't want to get sick . Germ free. I w…

Word Of God Speak

I should have titled my blog  "Traffic ". I sure spent alot of time in it today . So restless in the car with my mind drifting  in reflection . Thinking of my life and all the things I should have done but didn't . The things I did and shouldn't have . The  mistakes I have made . We always remember the mistakes first . All the warning signs that were there but I ignored . That feeling we get that something doesn't feel right . Why don't we heed it ?
   I thought of this program I watched a very long time ago . Where a group of women would come live together , as therapist worked with them on their many issues . There was this one woman there . I won't forget her . Her therapist gave her all these bags.....she called it her " excess baggage " and wherever she went she had to carry all her baggage with her .
   I watched her lug all this baggage into the bathroom , as she was cooking , on the couch with her , on the bus etc . One day , the who…

I'm Falling Off The Wagon

Discouragement hangs over me like a black cloud  creeping closer and closer . I'm falling off the wagon today . Spent the morning reading old notes from Sundays Past . Message after message trying to encourage my discouraging heart . Everything lies in His hands . You think I would be upset with my illness but instead I'm upset with the paperwork . Who has time to worry about that when I have all this red tape to untangle .
  One of my favorite verses in the Bible says ," Be still and know that I am God ". There is nothing more that I can do . A quiet day , today , spent reading my devotionals . Here is a poem I found....

GOD'S PLAN by:Kathleen Lyons
 as I travel on my journey
living life from day to day
I see the joy in GOD'S plan
and give thanks when I pray
but when the road gets rough
and my troubles seem to stay
I forget that GOD has a plan
and I search for my own way
I try to chart my own course
never knowing which way to turn
all the time I waste on…

Life Goes On

There is a stretch of road that I take on my way home from my brothers house . It's simply beautiful during the Fall . All the greens , browns , reds  and orange tones are in full display in these woods . Once again , I'm amazed at God's beauty .
     The road is long and winding , surrounded by the woods . The seasons will change no matter what happens in my life . The leaves will keep falling and the snow will come . Once again , in the spring , everything will come back to life . Life goes on.
    I feel lifeless but very calm  as I drive through this beauty . I've had another draining morning  dealing with "paperwork" and " reps" . I'm tired and exhausted of dealing with these people .
    You call your benefits rep and he tells you they faxed a document over to your doctor . You call the doctor and he never got the document . You call them back requesting the same darn thing you asked for three days ago . .....PING PONG...PING PONG ..…

A Junkie In Recovery

This past Sunday , my friend Linda comes running up to me in Sunday School . Her face is simply beaming ! Just beaming ! She just had tests done and her cancer on her ribs and under her armpit is gone . The cancer in her neck has spread even more....but ....she's not upset . That doesn't even matter right now . All that does matter is that the cancer is gone from the other two spots .
    She already knew that . You see , from the very beginning she knew that she would be healed by God . Even though it looked so very bad , she knew . She believed .
    Such  a simple word believe . Just heard Joyce Meyer's preach on that very subject . She held up in her hands a wooden sign spelling believe . It sits upon her desk and whenever she doubts herself or feels down , she looks up and sees that word......BELIEVE . Just believe .
    Another friend of mine says it best . Breathe in . Breathe out . Move on . I'm envious of these two . They're at a level that I'm …

Turning The Negative Into Positive

So far , today , has been very trying . Just when I thought all the paperwork has been taken care of....BAM.....it's not . There is so much red tape , who can keep track of all this ? It shouldn't be like this ! You shouldn't be swimming in red tape ! A person should be concentrating on healing ! UGGGH!
     This is all my fault . My inability to deal with issues . I know this is God's  way of having me face and deal with it . Learning to trust HIM . Learning to leave all my  troubles with HIM . I read once that when we ask God to teach us a particular " thing " we also need to ask him for mercy  as we go through it . Teach me  trust , Lord , but show me mercy first !
     As bad as today has started out , I really am trying to stay positive . I keep telling myself that the latest snag is just a minor delay . Trust , Lottie , trust . With a renewed hope in my heart , I went on Facebook .
      Now , I have to admit that it took alot of persuading from …

Trust , Trust ..... Where Art Thou?

This being my second time around , I find people asking me primarily the same question . ......Is it the same ? Is it the same chemo type ? Are you feeling the same ? Are you having the same side effects ? etc, etc, etc . It's basically the same question . How is it like now ?
    There are more differences than similiarities . I'm not even sure if there are any similiarities other then the fact that I have the same cancer . Before , I dealt with my spiritual side . The part that was missing.....lacking in my life . Now it seems I'm dealing with my personality......my character.....the type of person I am . Or want to become .
    I have been walking around doing all the right things : going to church , bible study , volunteering , trying to behave in Christ-like way . I have seen a change in me and others have too. I haven't really gotten where I want to be . In fact , I have found I have alot of flaws in me . It seems I have been working on the big things but th…

Blanket Therapy

One of my vices in the early days of my cancer was crocheting . When you spend alot of time in the hospital you develop their schedule . You end up sleeping in  short naps through out the day . When you go home the schedule stays with you for awhile . Its very hard to shake it off . You're awake at all odd hours .
    I started crocheting making blankets .Called it my cancer therapy . At that time it was very close to Thanksgiving . I decided to make a blanket for everyone in the family for Christmas . I wanted everyone in my family to have something of mine to look  and remember me  by . From Thanksgiving to Christmas , I made 11 blankets . It kept me occupied during my healing process . I also played alot of computer games .
     Well , my blanket therapy expanded to friends , baby showers and donations to charities like Mary's Room . Funny enough , people started giving me yarn to make blankets for others . One goal for this Christmas  is to donate to a Nursing Home . …

Mirror , Mirror On The Wall

One of my hardest struggles didn't really come from the actual treatments of my cancer . They came from dealing with the aftermath of having cancer . There is nothing worse than going through a major struggle in your life and you defeat it expecting your life to go back to normal ......and it doesn't .
   Instead, you look in the mirror and see a stranger . Here I have had 4 children and always been thin . This cancer I have gained 80 lbs. My hair was different color and texture . Then there is the different person you are on the inside .
    This was a  major challenge for me . This is another reason why I am so upset this time around . I was just getting used to the " new " me and now I have to erase the slate and start all over . I have gained  7 lbs already. I don't want to go thru that all over again . I don't want to rediscover myself .
   Now I know what you all are thinking and I certainly don't want any emails about how my appearance doesn…

Today.......

Today the weather is pure FALL!!!! It's raining and howling wind outside . Both Emily and I have been sick with a cold for a full week and there's no relief in sight . Doesn't look good for my chemo on Monday .......it might be cancelled .
   Words are not needed on a day like this . Today is perfect for a hot , homemade bowl of soup and a slice of fresh bread . Snuggle on a couch with a blankie and hot tea with lemon and honey . Words are not needed . Today we should spend time with our loved ones just being quiet . The month of THANKFULLNESS is here .
  Let me share a poem with you that reminded me of HIM when I looked outside today.


GOD'S PRESENCE WITHIN by:Regina Wiencek  have you looked for God when the
tempest broke
have you seen him in the lightening
stroke
have you heard his voice in the
thunder roar
or in proud waves that break on the shore
have you watched him in the sunset glow
has he left his footprints in the fresh fallen snow
does he live in temples hew…

Hair Today , Gone Tomorrow

I do not like talking on the phone . Especially , if it involves speaking to sales people or handling a problem  like insurance ......can't stand it . The minute I find out I have to call someone to fix a problem , I immediately look for someone to handle it for me. Otherwise folks , I'm walking away from it . Who needs cable ? I've been like this all of my life . Feel the same way with confrontations . If I don't feel like dealing with certain things , I put them aside . Digging deep is hard .
  When my son moved out to Missouri , I called him one time to order pizza for me and I live in Chicago ! Thats how bad I have it.
   Since my last blog , I spoke with my son and he did an interview with me for his radio program . I kept thinking about those questions he asked me all night . Couldn't sleep . Kept going over the entire interview in my head . Something very important came out during that interview . I had no idea I felt like that .
  In a way , I feel like …