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Showing posts from November, 2013

Day Two

ay Two Sunday : The morning set the tone for the rest of the day . A fellow teacher was a no-show for Sunday School , the older children were a little more energetic than usual and I woke up with a bad attitude .  It was hectic , chaotic and fraught with stress . 
I couldn't shake that mood no matter how much I tried . It followed me around for the rest of the day like a bad shadow .I was unhappy with everything that came my way . What a terrible way to spend the Lord's Sabbath . 
As the day unfolded , the devil took hold of me and went to town , not letting go . . . . . but just like when I went down into the Baptismal water , I came up filled with the spirit . That spirit lives inside of me and whenever I stray , he pulls me back from the dark side so I never slip back into the darkness for long . 
When night came , all the dirt of that horrible day left me . It was definitely time to turn this vacay around . Taking pen to paper , a list was made for each day left . Tomorro…

Day One

Day One  Saturday :
The first day of my long awaited time off from work . Too bad that I  spent most of the the day sleeping . When you work on third shift . . . . that's just how it is . 
I have huge plans for this vacation . I won't be spending it laying on a beach somewhere or in a hotel room . There really won't be much time to sit around with my feet up . 
This week , I will spend time clearing up not just the clutter in my apartment , but also in my mind . I feel so tired and so very drained both physically  and spiritually . Never have I felt such a burnout . All I want to do is sit and do nothing . 
I know that part of it has to do with the affects of chemo . Chemotherapy affects my thyroid in a negative way . Usually , I need more sleep , at times , I even take extra naps . The longer you have been on chemo , the more tired your body becomes . After a certain period , I know my thyroid will regulate itself again . 
So today , I do absolutely nothing . I take out …

Old Barns And Me

Since my cancer , I have struggled with my body image . Cancer takes so much away from you . A person loses their hair , their lashes and their eyebrows . These things are the obvious losses  that everyone associates with cancer , but what about the other things that aren't a standout .

A person with cancer can gain a lot of weight from all the steroids , like I did . Majority of the people I have encountered also had to deal with arthritis in their legs . Cancer treatment can affect our organs and other parts of our bodies . Some people are prone to blood clots or develop a thyroid .

Either way , cancer takes a lot from a person and that usually means we change not only on the inside , but also on the outside . I no longer remember the person I looked like before this cancer and  I've had  difficult time accepting the person I see in the mirror . How is that for irony ?

As I watched this video below , I thought of myself and the struggles I've had with acceptance of my we…

Thought Collection

Hello everyone ,

Today's story will be featured on Though Collection Publishing . The link is below . Have a Blessed day everyone and I hope you enjoy your weekend .



http://www.thoughtnotebook.org/anm/artbase/?a=129&z=1

ERROR , ERROR

It has been a month of flashing signals strewn across my path , screaming " ERROR , ERROR " right back at me . Some say it has been related to the sudden weather changes , the storms that seemed to ravage the earth , but I believe otherwise .

Signals appear to provide a warning that something is not right . Perhaps . . . .

The car  signals flash across the panel whether it is the  " check engine light " or " car door open "  , each alerting us to stop and take notice .

The computer screen continues to " buffer " or an " error " appears , informing  you that your " PC data is low  " or it's time to delete your cookies .

A message appears on your television informing you of cable being disconnected or to refresh the signal . Perhaps , a payment is past due ?

Warning lights flashing everywhere . I've experienced all of these this past month . I wonder if there's more to it than meets the eye ? Even now , as I try to wr…

Temptation

Image
I stare at the scene above with longing . The memory of sitting on the patio of the cabin , sipping coffee in the early hours of the morning fresh in my mind  . Hannah dangling her feet back and forth on the swing  ,Tim deep into his vacation journal . The rest of the world still fast asleep as the ducks swim close to the edge of the lake , looking for a handout .

I could have sat there all day .

I stare at the scene above with longing .
The tranquility of that scene ,  a lure from the everyday mundane responsibilities that I find so overwhelming . I yearn for a change and it can't come fast enough for me .

Reality brings me back to the messes of my cluttered apartment  , the over-scheduling of all my responsibilities and the  too tired attitude of a weary body .

The changes at work have brought a renewal and a rebirth within me that I wasn't aware lay dormant . Escape is so appealing right now . Don't we all wish we could just jump into our cars and drive wherever the road may…

My Cup Half-Filled

We always feel like we can accomplish everything we set out to do . We can make a list of chores , errands or even a bucket list  and assume that it will be done sooner or later . In reality , most of our expectations are not realistic ones . If you are anything like me , you load your plate very high and only consume half . By the time we get to the other half , it's already spoiled or unappealing , losing it's charm .

I find myself in this situation over and over again . How many times can a person start over ? As many times as they have to . So , I'm redecorating a little , making room for some things and letting go of others . Cleaning out my closets and sometimes even coming out of the closet if need be .

Things haven't been turning out quite the way I have expected , but we adjust to whatever God has in store for us . Didn't I just pray " Let Your will be done " ? So here I am . . . . very tired and disappointed in that will , but I know it is the r…

The Written Word

I never knew there was a writer inside of me waiting to burst forth until a re-occurrence of my cancer . Most people begin their writing career with a  notebook and a pen , jotting down random thoughts of significance throughout the day . Not me , I began with a blog . 
What started out as a diary , quickly turned into a therapeutic exercise of placing pen to paper all the pent up emotions of life with cancer . What I couldn't express to others verbally , came pouring out like the explosion of floodgates long guarded . 
The written word became a healing process without my being aware of it . When or how , I'm not exactly sure , but it has helped me shed the layers of pity and anger that so easily could have enveloped me . 
The written word holds much power scrolled with the mighty pen of real emotion . Why did it take almost half my life to realize a passion long hidden inside of me ?  Could it be I needed to gain experience to voice my pain , my joy and my desires ? 
Maybe , but …

Simply Food

Ever since I was a little girl , food played a huge role in my life . I was not a skinny child nor was I overweight , but somewhere in the middle . Coming from the old country into the U.S. , meant my mom made  homemade cheese , 
pasta , jam and bread on a daily basis  .  We ate well , but I never appreciated it . All I wanted was pizza , canned spaghetti and  a peanut butter sandwich with a twinkie for dessert . I wanted to eat like an American . 

When I had my children and became a housewife  , I was introduced to a variety of foods from all walks of life . Our house was the center of familial dinners for holidays and birthdays  . During those years , I learned how to garden , cook and can goods  . 

Next came being a single parent and that changed everything in my life . Dinners weren't as elaborate , but they were a lot more fun with picnics on the living room floor and breakfast pancakes for dinner . Money was scarce as well as time . . . . mom had to work . To compensate for the…

Life's Changes

I've been feeling tired lately , none of it making much sense since I'm taking a sabbatical from my chemo treatment . Shouldn't I be feeling the opposite ? Everyone's first instincts would be that I need more rest and I probably do , but I believe it's my schedule .

I think that as we experience different stages in our life , we create a schedule that best accommodates our lifestyle . That schedule may work for us for a few months or even years . For me , the schedule I have been living for the past six years is not working any longer . 

I have been working second and third shift for 18 years now and it has been a perfect setting for any  personal activities that I've been involved in during that time . Now I find myself scrambling from one activity to the next , barely finding the time to do it all . Time is very precious to me and I just don't have enough of it . 

 An opportunity has risen for me to go to first shift and I cannot wait for this change to happ…

Messes Of The Past

You want to know what she will look like older , look at her 
mother .
OR
You want to see what she is like , look at her mother . 

We end up being just like our mom , whether we like it or not . As young women , we set out into the world full of high hopes and dreams , vowing not to end up like our moms . We love our moms , but we will not be doormats for others to trod upon . We will be different . Our moms are too nice and forgiving and they will not stand up for themselves . Well , we will not be anything like them . 

Sounds familiar ? The fact  is , we become them because our moms feel and love  us . They are not doormats , but they would do anything for us . It's only natural for us to end up like our moms since they are our first introduction into the world and into how things are done . 

Our childhoods shape how we interact with others , the relationships we will have , how we deal with our emotions and how we keep our home . 

If it's a childhood with pleasant memories or not …

Living Among The Clutter

There is nothing more that I detest than clutter . Right now , it seems I'm living in the midst of it , feeling suffocated . I'm constantly tripping over things or moving things from one corner to the next . 

 Right above  and below us lives a family of four and somehow they fit all of their things without the clutter feeling . There is only the two of us , why can't we do the same ?

We have too much stuff ! Storage around here is certainly a problem . Some of these things we have held on to for years
 ( like VHS tapes ) hoping it will come back into style ? ! 

I know myself very well  and I know this stifling and suffocating feeling I have been experiencing has nothing to do with my apartment as much as my life . For whatever reason I'm carrying these feelings around , it's time to do something about them , even if that means a cleaning overhaul  . 

So I'm planning a remodel . Furniture will be moved . Things will be discarded . New things might even take their pla…

A Sort Of Update

I've seen better days ,
but I've also seen worse .
I don't have everything that I want , 
but I do have all I need . 
I woke up with some aches and pains ,
but I woke up . 
My life may not be perfect , 
but I am Blessed . 

I've joined a chronic illness group at church . We've only met a few times since we all are sick most of the time . I've never been one to sit in a circle and get all touchy feely with my emotions especially when it came to the crying part . I deal with situations a little differently . I may have a pity party going on for a couple of days , but I always pick myself up regardless of how I feel mentally . I may have a difficult time accepting how much weight I have 
gained , but I move on with it . I can't take a " woe is me " kind of 
attitude . 

Spending time with children 
is more important than 
spending money on children . 

I have to be honest with you . . . . . I have been experiencing great jealousy regarding my grandkids . This year , …

My Other Blogs

This weekend , Emily and I are relaxing at home , taking care of a few chores around the apartment . As we kick back , let me share with you some of my favorite blogs that I follow . 

A HOLY EXPERIENCE 
A lot of us are familiar with Ann Voskamp and her 1000 Gifts , but I really enjoy reading her blog and keeping up with her family of eight and their life on a Canadian farm where she home schools all of her six children .

CONFESSIONS OF A FUNERAL DIRECTOR
A look at the life of a young funeral director and how he deals being surrounded by death all the time . A great perspective into the ups and downs of a funeral home .

JENNIFER DUKES LEE #TELL HIS STORY
A blog about  a young mother with two children living on an Iowa farm trying to live life for JESUS . A  great look into the life of a young woman and the everyday chaos that occurs . 

HOLLEY GERTH
Holley is a married , older woman who has had to come to terms to a life without children . She has become one of my favorites , maybe because of o…