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Showing posts from August, 2012

Phil's Friends

Running out this morning to Walgreen's for a desperate need of coffee , I almost tripped over an U.P.S. box by my door . I stopped suddenly . This was an ordinary corrugate box BUT it had hand drawn in crayon a  large butterfly , a rabbit , a doggie and a frog . How creative , I thought to myself . Who sent this ? Looking at the address I see it 's from Phil's Friends . Who is that ? Never heard of them . Thinking it was yarn from someone , I dropped it off at home and continued to Walgreen's for my Hill Bros. Silk .
  Upon arriving home with coffee in toll , I walk into the kitchen and see Emily standing  and smiling up at me . She's been keeping a secret ! Pointing to the box , she tells me to open it up .
   Inside , there is a beautiful totebag filled with all sorts of goodies . It's an overnight bag or chemo treatment bag for cancer patients . There was inside ......
 a notepad
puzzles
a personal journal
a bible
a book
a pair of socks
a water bottle filled with m…

The Elephant In The Room

This is a conversation that should have happened a long time ago . This is very dear to me and I feel like I should be whispering . It's about Linda .  I have this connection with her and  I get so very emotional regarding her . I feel like Linda is me .
   Whatever she experiences , so do I . So when her cancer came back , I knew deep down inside mine would , too . Or at least , I was afraid it would . I was just waiting for the shoe to drop and it did with a loud thump .
   When I found out her cancer was spreading and getting worse , I felt like I was next . It's not easy to admit it but I didn't want that to happen to me . I was in despair not just for her but also for myself : In despair of what  might happen to me next . I might be the next one to die . Each time  , I go to my doctor , I'm expecting to hear it's back . I mean , Linda's hasn't gone away , why should mine ?
   I think I have cried a million tears when she told me . . . . for both of us .…

You've Come A Long Way , Baby

Here I am standing at Best Buy , waiting for someone to assist me . I'm buying a tower for Emily's computer . For one thing , I can't believe I'm doing this on my own . Having spent the majority of my life being afraid of everything , this is quite an accomplishment . Not to mention , running for help to the nearest relative . That was the old me . Or at least , I don't run to them as much .
   Of course , this independence was forced on me . I didn't volunteer it on my own . Why should I ? Why would I ? Who doesn't want to be taken cared of ? It's much easier to pass the baton to someone else in time of trouble , isn't it ?
   At some point in life , we need to grow up . We need to take charge . We need to do things for ourselves . It was time for me to do for myself . No more running to my family to keep taking care of me . It's scary and I'm still pretty much afraid of failing . How can I expect my own daughter to be independent when I can…

Faith

FAITH
1. Little Faith
a. hopes God will do what He says
           2. Strong Faith
                                a. knows that He will
           3. Great Faith
                                a. believesHe has already done it 

     When my niece Carol was pregnant with her first child , she gave birth like two months early . If I'm wrong , she 'll let me know , but I'm pretty sure it was two months . The baby girl weighed in at 4 lbs. and was 14 inches long . After many choices , she decided on Faith because of all this little girl went through to be here . This little girl is something else .
Whenever , I think of Faith , I see a splendid future for her . Not because she is a genius child or has everything handed down to her . All because of her struggle to come into this world . She is a miracle baby . Her mother had alot of faith , therefore , she is Faith .
   See the different " faith's " above ? I came across this by accident . This little chart is approp…

Just Like Old Times

Having coffee after work with an old boss of mine  brought back many happy memories . There are bosses and then there are bosses with whom you become good friends . In all of my years at Avon , I have had two such bosses . There is such a turnover with management by us that you will end up with a new supervisor every two years or so . Sometimes , it's been less . Having a boss that you connect with is a Blessing .
   She retired months ago from a different department . It's been a few years since being my boss . So this morning we shared a cup of coffee going over memories from the past . It was a good run  and I have missed her . She came with a bag of yarn asking me for an " altar call ". I did quite alot of altar calls for her during our time together and I'll keep doing them for as long as she needs me .
   She hasn't changed in appearance . Still wearing the same hairstyle and the same smile . She hasn't changed at all . The same attitude , the same…

Lockdown !

I'm executing a lockdown . A lockdown in my own house . Who am I locking in ? Myself .
    You should know me by now . I take on way more than I can handle and then what happens ? Time runs out on me . I have tried to better organize myself to no avail . I don't know what I'm doing wrong . Any organizational skills I may have had , left me a long time ago . I am forever scrambling around playing catchup . Today , I'm locking myself in so I can catchup and maybe , get ahead on some of these projects .
     A friend of mine asked me what my plans were and I told her . She looked perplexed . You know that look ? That look where a person doesn't quite understand the situation . Doesn't know what to make of it . I don't think she knows what a blog is  or ministry work . We sometimes forget that not everyone is in our little circle .
     Driving home , I thought about that look . She probably thinks I'm crazy . I think I need to let her into my circle…

The Reality Of Fakeness

Watching one of my shows proved to be a disappointment to me . It happened again . There cannot be a love story , a marriage or relationship that lasts more than a few years . They always seem to ruin it somehow . Whether by killing one of them off or one of them is the actual murderer . Sometimes , they just die . Then there is the falling out of love , the unfaithfulness , the anger or the circumstances beyond their control that keep them apart .      It seems that the entertainment world is not interested in promoting love , togetherness or the longevity of it . Name a love story where couples actually stayed together , I know I can't think of one . All they want to do is prove the opposite . Love does not conquer all . Love doesn't last . Who wants to fall in love if it requires all of that work ?
     I know many couples that are happily married for years ! Yes, they worked at their marriage . It wasn't easy , but they stayed together . They didn't fall out of…

The Daughter Of A King

The minute I stepped inside work , nothing but negative energy engulfed me , swallowing me whole . Walking the packaging floor trying to dodge all the complaints  proved to be futile . It was gonna be another one of those nights . When a person is unhappy , they lash out at everything in their path . Last night , I was the path .
     I tried . . . . . really tried  to let things slide off me but all the unhappiness of everyone else clung to me . People were in a mood , not getting along  ; machinery didn't want to operate correctly ; computers froze ; issues all around . Things weren't going well and they were getting worse by the minute .
    I felt disappointment . Having agreed to meet an old friend for breakfast the next morning , I wanted to be refreshed and energized . I wanted an easier night but already I could see it wasn't going to happen . Frustration can ruin anyone's mood .
     Some days , you just want to curl up under the covers and hide . I knew…

Mourning Of You

I've been mourning the passing of a relationship . A relationship that I never thought would end , yet , here I am feeling the loss . What am I mourning ? I'm mourning what was ; what could have been ; what never will be again .
   It hurts when you have to let go of something or someone . Letting go doesn't mean you are angry and will never speak to that person again . It just means accepting what the relationship has become . It means forgiveness . It means learning to love them all over again .
   I have no idea what the future holds regarding " this " but I do know that whatever comes out of this will be good for the both of us  . Maybe , it will make our relationship stronger , better and richer . I don't want to go back to what was : I want the new version of what will be  .
   This saddens me tremendously . It has occupied my mind since last weekend . The hurt is huge and the pain very raw . There may not be a future with this person . There may…

Forgiveness

Forgiveness
                       to excuse for a fault or an offense . To renounce anger or resentment against
  Bible definition
                        to wipe the slate clean , to pardon , to cancel a debt in order for the relationship to be
                        restored .
   When I was in the hospital with my cancer the first time , I had to take these potassium pills .They were huge ! I mean huge ! The nurse would snap the pill in half so I could swallow , otherwise , it wasn't happening . The pill had a bitter aftertaste and it would make me very nauseous . I hated these pills . Sometimes , I would just pretend to take them and as soon as the nurse left , spit them out into the trash .
     Forgiveness is alot like that potassium pill . It's very hard to swallow . This is one of the hardest to do as followers of Christ . You can't just say the words , you need to actually mean them . It's as big as that pill and bitter tasting , but you need to swallow i…

In Wonder Of You

After work , I met up with a colleague in the parking lot . Walking to our perspective cars we exchanged pleasantries  and caught up on the latest happenings in our lives . Turning to leave  , she says to me , " Have a Blessed week , Lottie . I love your blog ."
  I'm blown away . Simply blown away .  I forget that people actually read this . I'm sure she saw the surprise on my face when she mentioned my blog . I don't think I will ever get used to people acknowledging me in this way .
  In writing ,  I have  always expressed  my feelings better  . It's the speech part that I have a problem with . It's always two hours later that I know what I should have said . I wish I knew what to say to people when they make remarks about my blog . Normally , I just stand there smiling at them like a dummy .
  What I'm more surprised about is the support and the encouragement I receive from all of you . Everytime , I may start letting doubts set in , someone w…

Oh , That Doctor Of Mine

Having gotten the results back from my last set of tests , I was disappointed . . .. . again . These tests were for my basics like sugar , cholestrol  etc . Not only is my cholestrol a 206 ( 200 and below is great ) but I somehow developed an urinary infection . I haven't had an infection since childbearing years . I use a liner everytime I use the public bathroom . If this is too blunt for you guys , sorry , but I'm upset . Heaven help me .
  If it isn't boils , then it's a swollen knee like a balloon . My nails are  brittle from the chemo . My thyroid is messed up , yet again . Arthitis in my left leg  from knee down to my toes . My eyesight has worsened . Now , I have an infection and my cholestrol is borderline .
  I was so angry I could spit . . . .literally . After picking up my meds. from the pharmacy , I stormed about the house , slamming everything in sight .
  Eversince , my first round of cancer , I have changed my diet and my way of life . I tried my v…

Buggers !

In the middle of this week , in the middle of my shift at work , I developed nausea and stomache cramps . I felt sick and all I wanted to do is lay down . My deciding to go home suddenly , seemed to scare alot of my co-workers since this is something I normally don't do . Then , of course , there is my medical history .
  For the next day and a half , I never left my bed except to use the bathroom or get a drink . I couldn ' t stand the sight of food and tea was the only thing that I could stomache . I had such bad cramps and nausea that it reminded me of my chemo days . This is how it was after having my treatment . Panicking , my first thoughts were that maybe the cancer came back .
   I can't believe how scared I felt . After all that I have gone through , being scared is something I thought I long buried . This revelation shocked me . How vulnerable of me . All the work I have done regarding this matter came to naught . Maybe , I never conquered this at all .
   A…

My Son

I have learned alot from my son . He may be only 27 years old but he has always been more of a friend to me than a son . I miss the relationship we have had while he was growing up . Because I had him so young ( 19 ) it seems we grew up together . He was by my side  as my partner . Someone to talk things over when needed . He listened and comforted me when a shoulder was missing . He was there .
  I always knew he would leave home and move out of state so there wasn't a problem with letting go . I prepared myself for that a long time ago . What I did miss was the things he would do for me like picking up milk on the way home . He would wash and clean out my car . To this day , I have a hard time doing that myself . My car is filthy . My car is  lucky if it gets a washup twice a year .
  I remember our mother/son dance at his wedding last year . I remember what he said to me . He said , " Mom . . . . you were the first woman I ever loved but now I have Aubrey ."
  Ev…

My Daughter

Emily has been the only child of mine that was planned . I remember , how much I wanted another baby . She was my third . A week after her brother , Fonzie , passed away , I found out I was pregnant . I never thought I would have a girl and when she was born , my first words were , " What am I gonna do with a girl ? " Needless to say , that little girl , has been my shadow eversince .
   Every mother has a child she spends on her knees praying about . That was my Emily . With a brother who has always been self-sufficient , she grew up in his shadow quite the opposite . We have loved hard , we have fought hard . She may not look like me , yet , she is the image of me . She is the most like me . She mimicks my mannerisms with precision not even aware of the fact   that she is doing so .
  Even now , as I watch her , I can remember being her age  and acting the same . I often wonder if she will make the same mistakes or will she be smarter ? Will she follow the cobblestones…

Avon Calling !

My dear Linda , has taken my advice and is planning a short weekend away with her husband . How wonderful . Trips like these have been a staple in their life . This illness has put a stop to their much needed retreats . What does Linda love to do ? She loves to go fishing ! It's time to take the time and go , regardless of how she feels healthwise . Enjoy your life now . Convincing her took some time . Maybe , just maybe , this is what they both need . A renewal of both Faith and of Spirit .
  Since I work for Avon , she has always loved when I would give her a bag of goodies . One of her favorites happens to be face cream . She would run up to me before service and exclaim ," Doesn't my face look years younger ? It's that cream you gave me ."
  This past Sunday , when we greeted each other , I gave her a hug . She excitedly told me of her plans for this coming weekend and could I please let her buy a jar of face cream ? I laughed as I kissed her cheek . I tol…

End Of The Spear

Watching the Christian movie , " End Of The Spear " , gave me very mixed feelings . In the beginning , I really wasn't a fan . There seemed to be so much violence . Violence against each other . The longer I travel on this journey , the harder it is for me to accept all this pain and suffering that we cause to people we love and to people we hate  . Why do we hate ? ! It seems so pointless to me . Why ? Why do we do this to each other ?
   Not being able to watch all of it in one sitting , I turned it off . On my way to work , with the movie stuck inside my head ,  I found myself shedding quite a few tears for mankind  . If I could change one thing about this world  . . . . I would have us love each other . To treat each other with respect and kindness . To end all this violence , brother against brother .
   I can watch a scary movie and not be fazed by the gore because it is not real . Show me a true story and I fall apart . To think that someone suffered in this wa…

Team Krol U.S.A.

We love the Olympics around here . Emily in particular . Before they even begin , she has a roster with all the events and their schedules .  For two weeks , Team U.S.A. , takes over this house  . We have a game that we play during the Olympics . A game where we assign family members to a specific sport . We call ourselves Team Krol U.S.A. !
  The roundup's for the 2012 Olympics are .......

Commentary - Jan
                             our friend with the gift of gab
Judges - Ted
                    he is the oldest of us three
            - Pam
                     his wife who is a doctor , she can see how visibly healthy they are
            - babcia/Mary
                         our mom , grandmother ... always claiming to be the roots of this family
Cheering Section - Myself
                                    I can't really do anything else . Now if there was an olympics for eating
                            - Missy
                                       she's…

The Birth Of A Ministry

As the end of summer approaches , I reflect on the goal I set when summer began . Not only was my body tired but so was my spirit . I felt deflated and worn out . I needed a physical and emotional rest . Having spent the early part of the year seeking approval from others , I have finally  found my self worth .
  God used my son to help me realize my true potential . It all happened with the interview . Looking back , I almost want to laugh out loud now ,  at how much I didn't want to do it . All the different excuses I gave him for not doing the interview . But God had other plans and the interview was done .
  When I first saw what Joey titled my interview , I thought , where did he come up with that ? A Ministry Birthed From Cancer . A strange title , don't you think ? Nothing average about that . I thought about that title for weeks . A ministry . I have a ministry . I , Lottie Krol , started a ministry . This is certainly the biggest thing I've ever done in my life…

LOST

Having never seen the show , I finally decided to catch up on what everyone has been talking about these last couple of years  .  Having some preconceived ideas I was quite surprised at how much I really fell in love with the show .  I've always thought the show had a sort of voodoo/black magic attached to it and instantly that put me on guard .  So far , the only sign of that is the " black smoke " that I call evil .
    What has surprised me  is that each person is on  a journey . A journey of redemption . Isn't this so true of us ? Aren't we all trying to find ourselves amidst the mess that we have created ? There are many characters from all walks of life . . . . . . from a woman dying of cancer to a woman murderer . Being marooned on an island isn't the only place they are lost . They are lost on the inside .
   One of my favorite scenes is that of a Nigerian rebel/drug traffiker , who has killed many of his own people , come face to face with the fea…

Everyone Serves A Purpose

I have many friends but none of them are my close , close friends where I share all my personal details of my life . No one truly knows everything about me . Each friend is a part of my life in a certain way . And that's the way I like it .
   I don't believe in " tell all " sessions with fellow female bonding moments . There are things you just leave between God and you . Secrets with others have no place in the real world .
  With the friendships I have , I am truly Blessed . They come in many different forms and from many different places . I like the diversity of my friendships .
  Each friend has an unique gift that they share with me . Whether it is a love of sight-seeing and touring Illinois or just plain chit chatter at work . There are friends who will always make me laugh . Then there are those good for a  cry when needed . I share something different with each one .
  Since none of them are my true blue girl , in whom do I confide in ? My daughter . Of …

What If. . ..

Watching the Olympics has become our life around here . Keeping up with the daily events , it warms my heart to see the positive comments on Twitter coming from the athletes quoting scriptures . There couldn't be better role models to encourage our youth .
  With the positive always comes the negative . For every role model out there , there is always someone who wants to bring them down . To diminish all the work they have done on themselves . To diminish their Faith in themselves and in God .
  Reading one such article and all the negative comments posted by readers brought my blood to a boil . Quickly , my fingers reached toward the keyboard with a hot comment of my own . Anger running through my body , I'm disappointed in not being able to post it . You have to be a member to do so . I refuse to be part of such a rag .
  As quickly as the anger came , just as fast did it disappear . Filled with remorse at my own behavior , I find that this is not the way . You don'…

A Poem

Image
I Remember
by: Thomas Hood

I remember
the house where I was born
the little window where the sun
came peeping in atmorn
he never came a wink too soon
nor brought too long a day
but now
I often wish the night
had borne my breath away
I remember
the roses
red and white
the violets and the lilycups
those flowers made of light
the lilacs where the robin built
and where my brother set
the laburnum on his birthday
the tree is living yet
I remember
where I was used to swing
and thought the air must rush as fresh
to swallows on the wing
my spirit flew in feathers then
that is so heavy now
the summer pools could hardly
cool the fever on my brow
I remember
the fir trees dark and high
I used to think their slendor tops
were close against the sky
it was a childish ignorance
but now tis little joy
to know I'm farther off from heaven
than when I was a boy
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A Food Diary

Guess where I spent the day ? Yep , you guessed it ! The doctor's . That's my favorite hangout . I was seeing a Primary Care doctor  for the first time in 5 years . She gave me a complete physical from the top of my head to the tip of my toes . Sent me for lab tests , gave me a shot and handed me a cup for a sample . Yes , no part of me was left untouched .
  Why all this ? Well , just checking that there have been no side effects from my chemo  treatment . I walked out of there with three more appointments to add to my list of others . An appointment to an eye doctor there in the hospital , a return visit to her and a mammogram .
  Tests were not the only thing she did . I also got a lecture about my weight . I sat there and I took the lecture about not drinking soda ( soda ? What is that ? ) and eating donuts ( I can't even remember what year it was when I had a donut last ). The entire time she was speaking , my eyes kept reverting to her belly . I thought she was p…

The Big Book

Children naturally get excited about things , so when I found a big book on Noah's Ark , I couldn't wait to use it in Sunday School . As soon as I whipped out the big book ( as big as some of them ) their eyes became huge . They couldn't wait to see what was inside . Their excitement was very obvious .
  I needed to see that excitement . Needed to feel that I was a good teacher . That I was actually teaching these children something .
  I have a friend at work who loves to sing in church as part of the worship team . During the last service , as she was singing , one of her co-singers took the microphone from her hand . Apparently , they didn't like the sound that was coming out of her mouth . She , on the other hand , thinks she is a wonderful singer and couldn't understand why they did that .
  Maybe , that was me . Maybe , I thought I was a good sunday school teacher but in reality , it's not my calling . Doubts like these were filling my head lately . M…

Jack Of All Trades

WARNING !
               TODAY'S BLOG IS PRETTY BLUNT . I'M NOT HOLDING BACK .      
 Master of none . That's me . But aren't we all ? We are involved in so many things that I wonder how we can perfect a talent . To be really great at any one thing , you need to love it , spend time with it and nurture it to fruitation . We need to nourish it with our whole being , not just with a piece of it .
  I'm in awe of people who volunteer for everything and I mean everything . They have a real NEED to be part of it ALL . Why ? Is this how they feel valued ? Accepted ? Successful ?   How can they be productive in all of the things ? How do they find the time to do it all ? Eventually , something will have to give . That something is called burnout .
  Serving isn't about being involved in everything but GIVING my everything in whatever my ministry . If I'm a sunday school teacher , let me be the best teacher I can be .
   It's not just with serving . We get s…

Unapproachable Me

I just found out something about myself . Something I need to work on . The person who brought this to my attention thinks they might have hurt my feelings . On the contrary . I'm glad they did . How else am I to improve ? Actually , it's not something new for me to hear . I always knew I have the air of unapproachability . An aloofness , a sarcastic humor that people at first meeting have a hard time to figure out . Do I mean it or do I not ?
  Even at work , I have kept myself distant . This is work , I would tell myself . No one ever seen the personable me . It's as if I was two people . The one at work and the one at home . Never did the two collide .
  Since the cancer in 2007 , I have changed quite a bit  or at least I have been told so by my co-workers . They have noticed the difference in my demeanor . Going through it the second time , I believe , has changed me even more .
 Having thought I had come full circle with becoming more approachable , it caught me of…

Let's Talk

Waking up and  glancing at the clock , 1:45 p.m. , I grimaced and then I groaned  .  Don't feel like getting up but another fast-paced Saturday ahead . Lately , it hasn't been just Saturdays but everyday .
  I have no small children to take care of , yet , my schedule fills up and time evaporates . Another day gone before it starts . I keep telling myself that organization is the key but I never quite get there . When that doesn't work , I blame it on my thyroid acting up . Maybe , I haven't fully recovered from my bout with cancer .
  Whatever it may be , the fact remains that I'm tired . I'm overworked and I'm tired . Friday night at work , I tell my friend just how tired I have been and how there aren't enough hours in one day . She says to me , " Tired from what ? What have you been doing ? You have no small children . "
   I just froze . I have never been good at talking about myself . There are people out there that everyone knows a…

The New Generation

I have never been exposed to the differences between the ages as I have now . These adult kids are super-computerized , super-technical , super-cellphoned and just plain super . The new generation of young people can do all things with just a touch of the finger . Keeping up is not even in the forecast  for me .
   Their ways are definitely not my ways . While they are off in the fast lane , I'm struggling behind with my old fliptop cellphone  , 1998 Durango and old screen computer monitor . An Iphone , an Ipad, a Kindle , Smartphone and Pandora are as foreign to me as a street in Lebanon . I've heard of these things but to operate ? I've just learned how to clean out my cookies and I have to do that with step by step instructions written down by my son .
   You ever want to feel the differences in ages ? Observe how an older person and a twenty-something handle the same situation . When my car was in need of repair , the first thing I did was look for my yellow pages …

Wishes Fulfilled

Reading over  " My Bucket List " , I realize how happy I really am . Do I  need to accomplish all those things to be happy ? No , not really , because the one wish I really , really wanted I already have . I have my grandchildren .
   I didn't just want to become a grandma , I wanted a relationship with that grandchild . Since my cancer came back the second time , I felt my time was limited . Becoming a grandma is not a problem . Babies are born all the time .  Building a relationship with that child is another story .  For that child to remember me , I have to spend quite a few years here on earth .
    At that time , I felt I would never experience fully being a grandma  . Then God Blessed me with a daughter-in-law with children . With these children , I have developed a relationship . I have fallen in love with them .
   Since my Joe is a newlywed , people ask me when  will there be the sound of pitter patter in their home . I always reply , there already is tha…

Going Through The Motions

As the month ends , I reflect on the many , many emotions that ruled this month . It's been a difficult month to say the least . Not only for me but for many of my friends .
   Several of my friends lost a parent this month . A few had car accidents , including myself . Some have been experiencing financial loss and one facing foreclosure on her condo . There was the devastating health news for Linda  and a death of a dear pet for another .
   Two days ago , as I listened to a fellow co-worker tell me her problems , I looked around me . All I saw were people who looked just plain tired , shoulders slumped , going through the  motions of everyday life .  At times , life is very hard and we do the best we can , but life goes on even when we want to stand still .
  It's been a sad month . Through it all , as corny as it may sound ,  I saw friends helping friends . I saw people reaching out to others . I saw love and compassion . . . . . understanding .
  Even though alot o…