Showing posts from March, 2013

End Of March

I think it's funny that I began March with a treatment and I'm ending March with one also . I'm still covered with rashes and sores , but at least it's not as painful as last months . Or have I become accustomed to the pain ?

I had my petscan done on a Thursday , a day that turned out to be so busy ! The appointment was early morning which meant I went straight from work . Afterwards , I made some quick errands before a scheduled appointment at our apartment with the real estate agent .

Yes , a real estate agent . It seems our building is being sold . I am not happy about that since I feel changes are coming to my
 "perfect " home . I'm afraid of the rent being raised dramatically , our loved parking being charged extra . New owners bring on new changes , not always good ones .

Another thing  I don't like are  the prospective buyers walking through my place . I went through all of that when I owned my house  , I certainly don't want to have to do th…

Sharing The Funk

It seems that everyone is looking for Spring nowadays and with each snowy weather forecast brings on the funk . Everyone is feeling it and willingly sharing it . I can see it in the everyday life around us .

People are walking around with slumped shoulders , wearing frowns upon their faces and sighing deeply  , waiting for the weekend .

Times like these are an open invitation for the devil to enter . It's almost as if we leave the back door unlocked carelessly and an intruder invades . I have been watching some of my friends and colleagues suffering loss after loss during this period  , allowing the funk to slowly creep in .

 It may start off with something minor like a ticket or someone cutting you off . Then you're late for work : have an argument with a loved one  : an overdue bill arrives that you can't pay for at the moment . It keeps excalating as the week progresses and suddenly you may feel like God has forgotten you .

BAM ! We let the devil in and suddenly our lif…

Forgotten Joy

It seems that my treatment has stalled my Joy study by simply placing it on a shelf to collect dust . Alot of things are on that dusty shelf right along with my Joy . Funny , how a little pain in our life can cause so much havoc with our enjoyment of life .

Things have been great at work . Somehow , I've changed my attitude without realizing it happening . It's not my situation that changed , but the inside of me  and how I view things and deal with them .

Picking up my Joy study book today , I've realized I was on the last chapter . That brought a sense of sadness since this study has always been a pleasure for me to revisit . I have such fond memories of my girlfriend , Anna , as we started our journey in Christ with this study . That is something that will always stay deep inside my heart .

Each day the Lord gives us brings reasons to rejoice . Rejoice in this day the Lord  has given you . He has Joy waiting for you , all you have to do is ask the Lord to help you see it…

P Is For Part 2

Sitting quietly in my apartment , I've been able to think quite alot about myself . You may think that very strange , but on the contrary , I believe we need to think about us from time to time . What are we doing ? Where are we going ? Why are we feeling a certain way ? I believe in self-examination so we can better ourselves .

As this petscan neared , I've found myself ( in the beginning ) almost dreading it . I know that one day I will hear those unwanted words expressing all cancer patients' worst fear . It's not working .

After a long retrospect , I find it means nothing to me any longer . It doesn't change anything , all it does is upset me . Why should I allow this emotion to take over my life ? Why have I allowed it ?!

Which brings me to my next observation . Not only do I become anxious with each test , but so does my family . They question me , I get upset , therefore upsetting them even more  . . . .who needs all this aggravation . So I have decided , I w…

P Is For Petscan

In the next few days , I will be taking a Petscan to see if the chemo has been working . This moment is bittersweet for me . In the past , I would await the results with bated breath , hoping to hear those magic words .

You're in remission .

Now , I could care less . It means nothing to me . Even if I am . . . .  how long will it last this time ? Not forever , that's for sure . I have quite accepted my illness .

I try to live my life in a healthy way both physically and spiritually . I try to keep my life as uncluttered as possible , living righteously according to Christ . Although , I do fail from time to time , as we all do .

Yet , the longer time passes , the more I want to keep these special tests to myself . To my family , there always will be hope that a miracle will occur . That maybe , this chemo is particularly strong because you will be cured . All these sores/rashes , all this suffering is the cleansing that is needed for me to be healed .

I still have friends and f…

The Untitled Story

It's been a pretty quiet Saturday around here . Emily spent her day with her group , passing out fliers to our Easter Service  and stuffing Easter eggs for the hunt next Sunday . I , puttered around as best as I could with these lame feet of mine and body  , going through closets .

Wearing mismatched clothes , I feel like an old baglady . Gone were any self images of beauty and a sense of feminity . I feel old , I look old and I am old . My rashes/sores have started to peel and I feel like a reptile shedding her old skin leaving behind a raw pink layer of the new me . One kind of pain leaves and another begins .

Lately , all I have been wanting to do is hide in  my apartment and not go anywhere or see anyone . I don't want to answer any questions or delve deeper into intellectual conversation . I just want to sit quietly with my thoughts .

I know this stage of my treatment . I've seen it before . At this stage , I'm not depressed just tired of it all , wanting it to en…

Cupcakes , Granola , Chocolate Chip

What an emotional week it has been ! So many ups and downs , that one has to wonder what is going on . The children in the building are heard crying with one tantrum after another . Chaos in the hallways , chaos everywhere , even in the kitchen . What's going on in the kitchen ?

The kitchen is bustling with the aromas of red velvet cupcakes , chocolate chip cookies and homemade granola . Numerous batches of different types of recipes are filling the air with a yummy scent . The sink is filling up , too , with dirty dishes . What could be so dramatic with such goodies  in the oven ?

For every batch that came out smelling and tasting awesome , there were just as many that didn't quite pan out and had to be discarded . That's exactly how our week went . Some things worked out okay , while others brought tears . 

I spent my week crying out with pain and discomfort  , vowing never , ever taking this brand of  chemo again . Emily spent hers in growing pains , unwanted allergies a…

Holding It Together

Driving to the corner store for some chocolate chips and dried fruit , a little hiccup escaped . The corners of my mouth threatened to droop in an outpour of sudden tears . I just want to make it through without falling apart .

This is probably the first time in six years that all I care about is making it through the day somehow . There is no project , nor lesson , nor challenge occupying my mind except how much I hurt and how to overcome it  on that day .  

My mind drifts to five months ago in the doctor's office . I asked her if I could work during this chemo and she assured me that this chemo " wasn't as bad " as the others . Well , it's worse than the others . This is the absolute worst chemo I've ever had . Period .

My doctor has told me that they treat cancer as a whole , because they don't know how to treat cancer per individual . What that means is the side effects are based on the average not on each individual . Not how Lottie's body will re…

Have You Ever . . .?

Have you ever had someone confide something so devastating , so heart wrenching , that you couldn' t stop thinking about it ? So guttural your heart and soul wouldn't let you move past it .

How can someone that once professed love to their mate in front of God , now abuse them in that same Presence ? How do I explain to my daughter that  once there existed love and not violence ? Once , this person loved the other ?

Cruelty exists in many forms and when we hear or see of them , it brings us to our knees asking God to show His mercy . Prayers are not always answered the way we would like them to be . Sometimes , God shows His mercy by bringing someone home to Him rather than saving them from a bad situation here on earth .

Our first instinct is to ask God , " Where are you in this situation ? Do you not see what is happening ? " We have no right to question the Almighty . We do not see what He sees . We have no authority to ask that of Him .

As the day wore on , the wei…

Loose Ends

The other day , I received an e-mail from a dear friend of mine . She spoke of all the loose ends in her life and how they impacted  it . Right away , my mind went click , click , click asking myself what  are my loose ends ?

I guess , my loose ends are different from the average person . My loose ends are almost like a bucket list of things I want to take care of before my time here is up . I have made many of these lists during these past six years .

Then I thought to myself . . . why ? Why am I thinking that when I die that it is the end ? It's not the end of my life , it's the end of my life here . There is a life for me in heaven .

Sometimes , I think we get so wrapped up in our life here that we forget about the life we will have in heaven . We are so afraid of dying even though we know heaven is waiting for us on the other side . Why ? Because we are scared ! Scared of the act of dying . That's what I believe .

So I could make all the bucket lists I want . I could …

Letting Go

The sun goes down for a nap and suddenly , the day turns into night . How quickly the time has disappeared , my week rushing past without my grasp upon it . There's no time to do anything but eat , sleep and a quick chore before work .

Lately , it seems that my girl wants to chat about everything and anything . Having joined a group her own age at our Church has brought on all sorts of topics and emotions . She is filled with reasons why she should quit this group and yet , she goes each time , propelling discussion after discussion in our home .

Letting go . . . .

You could almost see the struggle inside of her as she battles the will to let go and move on or quit , staying in the same rut .

I'm scared .

Letting go is scary . Whether that means walking into chemo treatments for the third time : or having a baby after 14  year difference : or moving away to another state and starting completely over .

Letting go means trusting God  with our inner most feelings , our deepest fea…

A Time Change

Who would have thought that one little hour could affect someone so drastically ? One hour forward and suddenly , I have no energy  to propel onward . All I want to do is lay around and do nothing . Can I hear an amen ?

The problem is we have things to do , don't we ? The building inspector is due tomorrow to check all units , including mine . The apartment is clean and yet I find myself giving it a " once over " in case he looks under the couch and sees the lint . Silly , because he's not looking for that .

I have been doing my 10 minute workouts and my belly muscles have been aching , my friends , aching . On Saturday , I did go to my Church workout and discovered I am not the only one moaning and groaning in pain . Yeah , there are others .

Everyday , I have been making plans to go do this or that , to no avail . I'm beginning to think it's not the time change , but something else  called " laziness " . What do you think ?  If I don't get up …

Letters From The Past

I never throw out old cards or letters . I save them for a later time to re-read and re-acquaint myself with the past . Both of my children have their old birthday and special event cards stashed away in a box to look at whenever nostalgia invades their hearts .

Lately , I've been experiencing some technical problems with my internet connections . Quite alot , actually . Today was one of those days . Out came my box of letters and I spent the morning writing to my friends of old .

There was a time where this was common for me . I had numerous penpals that I would write long , descriptive letters to . . . what has happened to our society ? Cards and letters are almost extinct . My great - grandchildren won't even know what a stamp is except for collecting .

Even as I wrote those letters , I didn't hand write them , but typed them out . I feel like we are losing something very personal and special in this world of newer and bigger  things . Everything is a quick fix . A micro…

And Then There's Joy

I received  an  e-mail from a dear friend of mine . She shared  this link that I found so crazy appropriate to my Joy study . There's nothing that I could say that would explain what I'm hoping to achieve  with this study better than this video . I hope you can enjoy the joy within .

Hare Comes March

March to me represents renewal , a new beginning , out with the old and of course . . .. . a Resurrection . As each day passes , I anxiously peer out my bedroom window for signs of Spring . To my dismay , March has been nothing but snowfall and cold temperatures .

Usually , by this time , we are filling Easter eggs with candy for our traditional Easter Egg Hunt at Church . This has been become a favorite of Emily's . She loves to lay out the eggs while the children are working on a craft or performing a song .

So where is our Spring ? I long for the open air freshness that breezes through the windows and fills the rooms with it's essence . I long to fling open the curtains and let the children's voices ring loud and clear as they play .

To be in love with Spring is best , you see
when warming earth's alive with growing pains
and cherry petals fill the tangled skeins
the spider spins between the fence and tree
and I should think of keeping cool and bring
tranquility and less…

10 Minute Workout

I have a newfound respect for the people on the Biggest Loser or Dancing With The Stars . It all looks so easy until we ourselves try to mimick what they do . Physical exertion to an overweight person like myself is an ordeal to overcome  .

This past week , Emily and I have placed ourselves on a workout regiment . You should all know by now how much I just hate working out . My regiment consists of a 10 minute workout . That's about all I can handle .That' s how out of shape I have become .

As I worked out , you could hear my cries of pain . Everything was hurting and I mean everything . All the excess flab was jiggling around to the sound of the beat . There was absolutely no sound coming out of Emily's room . Of course !

We all have seen those people working out with Jillian Michaels , throwing up and openly crying . . . falling off the treadmill . We all felt disgusted with them when they gave up and went home . Sometimes , we'd scream into the television screen for …

Entering Joy

It's good to let go and laugh when life is weighing you down . It won't change any of the circumstances you find yourself in  , but when you can laugh at the antics of others , it helps to lighten the load .
Sheila Walsh

You can only cry for so long . Sooner or later , you have to get up off the floor and dust yourself off and move on living out your life . We cannot worry ourselves with what is wrong with others when there is so much wrong with ourselves . That's what I've discovered in my Joy study . . . . the wrong within me .

Does that mean I'm completely cured of all that ailed me in the first place ? Probably not . Will I love my work situation like nothing before ? Maybe . Will I fall off the wagon ? Oh yeah . All that and more because I am human . I am the daughter of Adam and Eve , I will fall , but when I do , I will get up and do my very best not to fall twice in the same place .

When we realize our days here matter , our pain has significance and our choi…

A Hook Of Yarn

I think this past chemo was probably the first one where my routine was completely changed in six years ! Inside my chemo bag , there were no puzzles , no hook  nor yarn for crocheting ! Not one . Instead , it was filled with magazines of every kind and my Joy study book .

As interesting as the new change was , my mind kept drifting , almost longingly , to my crocheting . Oh , how my fingers twitched to mimick the movements of my craft . The feel of the yarn's texture  as it slips through my fingers . . . yes , I miss my crocheting .

The nurses and doctors , all stopped in to see what was my current project . . . . only to discover there wasn't one . When has this hook and yarn become such a comfort to me ? My friend who disguises my pain ? It has been taken away from me with the crippling of my fingers .

Flipping through the magazine , ideas formed with every new item that leapt off the page . What has happened to that woman who only knew how to make blankets ? Her mind expan…

A Year Ago

In the midst of preparing  for my new couch , a little Spring cleaning occurred . A little dusting here , a rearrangement of figurines over there . An old , dirty curtain was taken down and a clean one brought in the morning sun . Small blotches of the brightness hit randomly on the snow covered ground . Spring is almost here .

A year ago , what was I doing then ? Did I feel like today ? Did I feel a change coming on , an acceptance of some sort ? Or did I feel overwhelmed with what was coming ? What was I doing then ? A year ago .

In March of last year , I was preparing to go back to work and a few days before , boils  appeared on my body . I remember now . I remember how hard of a transition it was this returning to work .

What will I feel this time next year ? Will I look back with wonder of how I made it through ? Or disappointment of a broken wish that didn't come true ? A year from now .

I'm feeling nostalgic since my treatment . Sitting here , looking out my cherished win…

Bolster Me With Love

In God's way of thinking , everything that comes our way has a purpose . The things we'd rather forget or do over again might be the very things He's using to make us stronger , wiser and more trusting .

Let me also add that our experiences can benefit others . I have shared many of my own stories with other women , both young and old . I have come to learn that we , as women , need other women so we can bolster each other during our trials in life . What does it mean to bolster one another ?

Bolster means " to support or prop up, to buoy or hearten " . When you need a good cry or someone to hear you out or make you laugh , who do you call ? You call another woman .

Yet , because we are women , it's so difficult for us to get along at times . We are so very different and these differences can stir up feelings of jealousy , resentment and  dislike . I say all this because somewhere between page one and seventy-nine of my Joy study , these feelings have left me …

A Promise Delivered

Last Fall , I wrote a blog about my search for a couch at an estate sale . Unfortunately , I walked away without a couch in my possession . That very night , which was a Saturday , I felt an inner voice telling me to place my couch money into the offering basket at church the next day . Sounds familiar ? Remember reading this ?

Well , God delivered his promise to me with a couch that was delivered to my front door today . I paid nothing for it . I did nothing but open the door and tell them where to deposit it .  Do you know the best part yet ? It matched the decor in my living room ! How awesome is that ?! Now , my living room is complete and I totally love it .

When I listened to that inner voice and gave away that money , I knew , I actually knew God would bring me that couch . It didn't happen overnight , but I waited patiently and here I am sitting on it .

Lord , Jesus , You are my provider and caregiver . I cannot imagine my life without You in it . You have carried me throug…

The Lifestyle

" We don't recognize the value in celebrating the strange twists , the difficulties , the so-called failures , when we really should .. .and could . We consider our flops or hard times a defeat , but in reality they are God's greatest compliments . They're transforming love gifts from a gracious heavenly Father ".
Luci Swindoll

My 4th chemo treatment was on Friday and probably the longest time spent there thus far . It started to snow on my way to the hospital and I arrived late . They were so busy . . . the clinic overflowing . . . . delays everywhere .

I love my doctor and enjoy all my visits with her . She examined all my rashes . . . the only part of me not covered in them happens to be my face , neck and calves . The latest spot happened to be my belly button and it made my tummy swell up abit . She just shook her head and grimaced at how much pain I must have been in .

You still want to continue ?

Absolutely ! I'm almost done . Maybe this time it will last…

Exercise Me

When I first read in our Church bulletin about the exercise class that would be held in the basement every Saturday morning , I was delighted . I practically ran to sign up , so enthused was I .

Now , a whole month later , I wish I could say the same . My body covered with rashes and sores , I have no idea what I was thinking back then . Wait a minute ! I know what I was thinking ! I was thinking skinny , but I now know I will never be skinny again .

The first session involved an introductory lesson as to what equipment we would need and the type of exercises we would be performing . We sat around and chatted with one another and expressed  what we wanted to get out of this class .

The second session I missed since I spent the weekend visiting my grandkids in Springfield . I did end up buying all my exercise equipment at Walmart while over there . I wasn't happy spending the money unless I saw some results from this class .

The third session  I also missed because of the rashes an…