End Of March

I think it's funny that I began March with a treatment and I'm ending March with one also . I'm still covered with rashes and sores , but at least it's not as painful as last months . Or have I become accustomed to the pain ?

I had my petscan done on a Thursday , a day that turned out to be so busy ! The appointment was early morning which meant I went straight from work . Afterwards , I made some quick errands before a scheduled appointment at our apartment with the real estate agent .

Yes , a real estate agent . It seems our building is being sold . I am not happy about that since I feel changes are coming to my
 "perfect " home . I'm afraid of the rent being raised dramatically , our loved parking being charged extra . New owners bring on new changes , not always good ones .

Another thing  I don't like are  the prospective buyers walking through my place . I went through all of that when I owned my house  , I certainly don't want to have to do that now . I rent as a way to be free of all of that homeowners stuff / chores .

Back to my treatment .

The results were okay  with the cancer shrinking from 3 cm. to 2 cm . Not really much of a result with all this suffering , but it does mean an additional three more months of chemo . Adding these three to my one left means that for the first time , I will be having chemo during the summer .

The good thing is that  they are changing my type of chemo  not because it's not good or anything , but because I cannot take another four months of these sores/rashes . No way ! I only endured because I thought it was almost over . Obviously , that's not going to happen .

Right now , my mind is brimming with questions . How will this affect my work ? My volunteering ? My life ? What will this new chemo bring ?  Life seems to be nothing but new challenges , my friends .

Have a Blessed day everyone .

Sharing The Funk

It seems that everyone is looking for Spring nowadays and with each snowy weather forecast brings on the funk . Everyone is feeling it and willingly sharing it . I can see it in the everyday life around us .

People are walking around with slumped shoulders , wearing frowns upon their faces and sighing deeply  , waiting for the weekend .

Times like these are an open invitation for the devil to enter . It's almost as if we leave the back door unlocked carelessly and an intruder invades . I have been watching some of my friends and colleagues suffering loss after loss during this period  , allowing the funk to slowly creep in .

 It may start off with something minor like a ticket or someone cutting you off . Then you're late for work : have an argument with a loved one  : an overdue bill arrives that you can't pay for at the moment . It keeps excalating as the week progresses and suddenly you may feel like God has forgotten you .

BAM ! We let the devil in and suddenly our life takes on a domino effect . Everything we see and do is filled with negativity . We are unhappy , we lose sight of our faith and we let the devil win .

It's so easy to fall into that depressing trap , but we must never lose hope and faith in God . He has not forgotten us , but merely is allowing us to grow into a deeper lasting relationship with Him . Consider times like these tests in our faith .

I , myself , am not exempt from the funk times in life . Whenever it appears , I try to speak to a friend who can encourage me , or listen to christian music or a devotional . Sometimes , I even may have a good cry , but I know deep down inside that these times are fleeting and they will pass . That's important to remember .  . . . it will pass .

So as we watch the weather stay consistently cold , remember the sun will appear sooner or later . Have a Blessed day everyone .

Forgotten Joy

It seems that my treatment has stalled my Joy study by simply placing it on a shelf to collect dust . Alot of things are on that dusty shelf right along with my Joy . Funny , how a little pain in our life can cause so much havoc with our enjoyment of life .

Things have been great at work . Somehow , I've changed my attitude without realizing it happening . It's not my situation that changed , but the inside of me  and how I view things and deal with them .

Picking up my Joy study book today , I've realized I was on the last chapter . That brought a sense of sadness since this study has always been a pleasure for me to revisit . I have such fond memories of my girlfriend , Anna , as we started our journey in Christ with this study . That is something that will always stay deep inside my heart .

Each day the Lord gives us brings reasons to rejoice . Rejoice in this day the Lord  has given you . He has Joy waiting for you , all you have to do is ask the Lord to help you see it .

That is what I've learned in this study and there is something else . . .
While we have Joy on this earth because of God , we can look forward to entering into Joy when we see Him face to face .

So my friends , this concludes our Joy study until I need to fish it out again . Have a Blessed day everyone .

P Is For Part 2

Sitting quietly in my apartment , I've been able to think quite alot about myself . You may think that very strange , but on the contrary , I believe we need to think about us from time to time . What are we doing ? Where are we going ? Why are we feeling a certain way ? I believe in self-examination so we can better ourselves .

As this petscan neared , I've found myself ( in the beginning ) almost dreading it . I know that one day I will hear those unwanted words expressing all cancer patients' worst fear . It's not working .

After a long retrospect , I find it means nothing to me any longer . It doesn't change anything , all it does is upset me . Why should I allow this emotion to take over my life ? Why have I allowed it ?!

Which brings me to my next observation . Not only do I become anxious with each test , but so does my family . They question me , I get upset , therefore upsetting them even more  . . . .who needs all this aggravation . So I have decided , I won't say anything before hand . Just go , take the test and then mention it afterwards .

I guess , my biggest concern regarding this petscan had to do with all this pain . Since this has been my worst of the three treatments , I didn't want this experience to be for naught . If I'm gonna suffer , let it be for  something . That kind of thing . Then I realized that each time I went through cancer , I felt like it was the worst ever . Nobody likes pain , norf does one get used to it .

So here's my story and I'm sticking to it . Have a Blessed day everyone .

P Is For Petscan

In the next few days , I will be taking a Petscan to see if the chemo has been working . This moment is bittersweet for me . In the past , I would await the results with bated breath , hoping to hear those magic words .

You're in remission .

Now , I could care less . It means nothing to me . Even if I am . . . .  how long will it last this time ? Not forever , that's for sure . I have quite accepted my illness .

I try to live my life in a healthy way both physically and spiritually . I try to keep my life as uncluttered as possible , living righteously according to Christ . Although , I do fail from time to time , as we all do .

Yet , the longer time passes , the more I want to keep these special tests to myself . To my family , there always will be hope that a miracle will occur . That maybe , this chemo is particularly strong because you will be cured . All these sores/rashes , all this suffering is the cleansing that is needed for me to be healed .

I still have friends and family who will forever be buying special herbs and magic formulas that are guaranteed to work . There are special prayers sent to Peru and anointed oils from Greece . Long searches on the internet are done for those rare cancer foods that I should be ingesting . A suggestion was made that I should smoke some weed . I wouldn't even know how  or where to buy it .

That's all fine . I understand that I am loved and I appreciate all the effort  made on my behalf . As I prepare for this petscan , I secretly wish  I never told anyone about it . This way , there won't be any uncomfortable questions to answer .

Are you drinking your pomegranate juice ?
Are you eating your beets daily ?
Did you contact those monks in Peru ?
Are you praying regularly ?

In other words , are you doing everything you can ? Yes !
TO BE CONTINUED

The Untitled Story

It's been a pretty quiet Saturday around here . Emily spent her day with her group , passing out fliers to our Easter Service  and stuffing Easter eggs for the hunt next Sunday . I , puttered around as best as I could with these lame feet of mine and body  , going through closets .

Wearing mismatched clothes , I feel like an old baglady . Gone were any self images of beauty and a sense of feminity . I feel old , I look old and I am old . My rashes/sores have started to peel and I feel like a reptile shedding her old skin leaving behind a raw pink layer of the new me . One kind of pain leaves and another begins .

Lately , all I have been wanting to do is hide in  my apartment and not go anywhere or see anyone . I don't want to answer any questions or delve deeper into intellectual conversation . I just want to sit quietly with my thoughts .

I know this stage of my treatment . I've seen it before . At this stage , I'm not depressed just tired of it all , wanting it to end as soon as possible . Wanting to enjoy the things I so took advantage of because I had no idea how good they really were .

The end being so close doesn't fill me with any jubilation . Remission , to me , only means a break in between the next time . It is a nap before a vigorous adventure  and I don't want anymore adventures . I want peace .

So as Emily's social scene has increased , mine has decreased by my own choice . Sometimes , we just need to sit still and bask in God's beauty and wonder . . . just watch Him work .

Have a Blessed day everyone .

Cupcakes , Granola , Chocolate Chip

What an emotional week it has been ! So many ups and downs , that one has to wonder what is going on . The children in the building are heard crying with one tantrum after another . Chaos in the hallways , chaos everywhere , even in the kitchen . What's going on in the kitchen ?

The kitchen is bustling with the aromas of red velvet cupcakes , chocolate chip cookies and homemade granola . Numerous batches of different types of recipes are filling the air with a yummy scent . The sink is filling up , too , with dirty dishes . What could be so dramatic with such goodies  in the oven ?

For every batch that came out smelling and tasting awesome , there were just as many that didn't quite pan out and had to be discarded . That's exactly how our week went . Some things worked out okay , while others brought tears . 

I spent my week crying out with pain and discomfort  , vowing never , ever taking this brand of  chemo again . Emily spent hers in growing pains , unwanted allergies and an outburst of acne .

When one batch doesn't come out of the oven the way it was meant , you just start on another , sort of like life . I can say that now because I'm feeling better and the weekend is upon us  . So everyone , enjoy your weekend and if you burn your cookies . . . . just throw them out and start a new batch !

Have a Blessed day everyone .

Holding It Together

Driving to the corner store for some chocolate chips and dried fruit , a little hiccup escaped . The corners of my mouth threatened to droop in an outpour of sudden tears . I just want to make it through without falling apart .

This is probably the first time in six years that all I care about is making it through the day somehow . There is no project , nor lesson , nor challenge occupying my mind except how much I hurt and how to overcome it  on that day .  

My mind drifts to five months ago in the doctor's office . I asked her if I could work during this chemo and she assured me that this chemo " wasn't as bad " as the others . Well , it's worse than the others . This is the absolute worst chemo I've ever had . Period .

My doctor has told me that they treat cancer as a whole , because they don't know how to treat cancer per individual . What that means is the side effects are based on the average not on each individual . Not how Lottie's body will react , but how all ovarian patients have reacted .  My body reacted in this particular way with this particular type of chemo , someone else may have a different scenario .

I'm a three-peat cancer champion  and each time , my treatment and recovery was handled differently per my work . I have worked part-time ( 3 days a week ) , off on FMLA the entire time ( 6 months )  and now I'm off during the week of my treatment only ( work 3 weeks , off 1 ) . Which is better ? I have no idea . It was difficult each time around . I don't believe there is an easy way , cancer is cancer . Period .

It has also affected my personal life more than the others . No matter how badly I felt in the past , I made a point to go on with whatever responsibilities that were set before me . I didn't cancel being a Sunday School teacher , I didn't stop my charities , I still made a point in writing a blog everyday nor did I stop going out with my friends and family . Unfortunately , I can't say the same now .

I find myself canceling more and more , not even bothering to get out of bed . There have been times there were no new entries made here on this blog . I have called in sick to work hating the fact that I can't do my job .

I question the decisions I have made now and in the past regarding work and persoanl activities . I'm beginning to think I should have taken time off from everything and allowing my body to heal . What about my spirit ? My mind ? Would they have healed properly if I sat cooped up away from everyone ? I'm not so sure .

So today's entry is not finished . This story is left without an ending . I feel like I should write " to be continued " because there is more to be told . Until then , have a Blessed day everyone .

P.S.
      The reason I was at the store was because Emily was making homemade granola .

Have You Ever . . .?

Have you ever had someone confide something so devastating , so heart wrenching , that you couldn' t stop thinking about it ? So guttural your heart and soul wouldn't let you move past it .

How can someone that once professed love to their mate in front of God , now abuse them in that same Presence ? How do I explain to my daughter that  once there existed love and not violence ? Once , this person loved the other ?

Cruelty exists in many forms and when we hear or see of them , it brings us to our knees asking God to show His mercy . Prayers are not always answered the way we would like them to be . Sometimes , God shows His mercy by bringing someone home to Him rather than saving them from a bad situation here on earth .

Our first instinct is to ask God , " Where are you in this situation ? Do you not see what is happening ? " We have no right to question the Almighty . We do not see what He sees . We have no authority to ask that of Him .

As the day wore on , the weight upon my heart grew heavier . I prayed so hard that tears flowed down my cheeks . Oh , how I want to save this person from that other who once vowed to love them . Have you ever felt so utterly hopeless ? Have you ever felt like there was nothing else to do but kneel and lay it before Him ? Would you pray with me ?

Have a Blessed day everyone .

Loose Ends

 The other day , I received an e-mail from a dear friend of mine . She spoke of all the loose ends in her life and how they impacted  it . Right away , my mind went click , click , click asking myself what  are my loose ends ?

I guess , my loose ends are different from the average person . My loose ends are almost like a bucket list of things I want to take care of before my time here is up . I have made many of these lists during these past six years .

Then I thought to myself . . . why ? Why am I thinking that when I die that it is the end ? It's not the end of my life , it's the end of my life here . There is a life for me in heaven .

Sometimes , I think we get so wrapped up in our life here that we forget about the life we will have in heaven . We are so afraid of dying even though we know heaven is waiting for us on the other side . Why ? Because we are scared ! Scared of the act of dying . That's what I believe .

So I could make all the bucket lists I want . I could tie up all the loose ends I need to , but my life doesn't end here . When I die . . . . it's just the beginning .

Have a Blessed day everyone .

Letting Go

The sun goes down for a nap and suddenly , the day turns into night . How quickly the time has disappeared , my week rushing past without my grasp upon it . There's no time to do anything but eat , sleep and a quick chore before work .

Lately , it seems that my girl wants to chat about everything and anything . Having joined a group her own age at our Church has brought on all sorts of topics and emotions . She is filled with reasons why she should quit this group and yet , she goes each time , propelling discussion after discussion in our home .

Letting go . . . .

You could almost see the struggle inside of her as she battles the will to let go and move on or quit , staying in the same rut .

I'm scared .

Letting go is scary . Whether that means walking into chemo treatments for the third time : or having a baby after 14  year difference : or moving away to another state and starting completely over .

Letting go means trusting God  with our inner most feelings , our deepest fears . Saying to Him , here I am , completely naked and exposed before You . Mend me , bend me to Your will . Do what You want with me , falling backwards into His arms . How many people can do that ?

I watch the struggle within her and silently pray she has the strength to accept the challenge . I can see the woman she will become . Just let go . . . .

Have a Blessed day everyone .

A Time Change

Who would have thought that one little hour could affect someone so drastically ? One hour forward and suddenly , I have no energy  to propel onward . All I want to do is lay around and do nothing . Can I hear an amen ?

The problem is we have things to do , don't we ? The building inspector is due tomorrow to check all units , including mine . The apartment is clean and yet I find myself giving it a " once over " in case he looks under the couch and sees the lint . Silly , because he's not looking for that .

I have been doing my 10 minute workouts and my belly muscles have been aching , my friends , aching . On Saturday , I did go to my Church workout and discovered I am not the only one moaning and groaning in pain . Yeah , there are others .

Everyday , I have been making plans to go do this or that , to no avail . I'm beginning to think it's not the time change , but something else  called " laziness " . What do you think ?  If I don't get up and get my plate sticker soon , you'll see me on " Cops " getting tasered . You know that's my biggest fear . . . being tasered .

In my Durango , there are two boxes waiting to be taken to the Post Office . They have been waiting for three months now . In one of those boxes , a letter lays on top saying something about using the contents for Christmas . Yeah , Christmas . Can't blame that on the time change , unless I'm still reacting to the last one . . . .

In truth , we like to place blame on things or people when we are feeling a little lazy or idle .  I guess , a little rest is okay , but when does it become too much ? Maybe , when we don't want to get up and take a shower ? Yeah , that could be a sign .

I do have some good news , for a change . I'm peeling ! Yes , you heard me  . After being covered with rashes /sores , my body is starting to peel away . It's a long process because our skin is so transparent . It's also very itchy ! At least , I can raise up my arms without flinching . I'm so happy .
Well , I'm off to take a shower ! Have a Blessed Day everyone !

Letters From The Past

I never throw out old cards or letters . I save them for a later time to re-read and re-acquaint myself with the past . Both of my children have their old birthday and special event cards stashed away in a box to look at whenever nostalgia invades their hearts .

Lately , I've been experiencing some technical problems with my internet connections . Quite alot , actually . Today was one of those days . Out came my box of letters and I spent the morning writing to my friends of old .

There was a time where this was common for me . I had numerous penpals that I would write long , descriptive letters to . . . what has happened to our society ? Cards and letters are almost extinct . My great - grandchildren won't even know what a stamp is except for collecting .

Even as I wrote those letters , I didn't hand write them , but typed them out . I feel like we are losing something very personal and special in this world of newer and bigger  things . Everything is a quick fix . A microwavable dinner , e-invites  and even parties can happen without actually anyone coming over . . .. all thanks to the internet  ! Who has time for a letter ? Or a card ?

Wedding invitations don't need a printer , you can make your own website for guests to sign into . Pretty soon , you'll never have to leave your house . Hey , wait a minute ! That's actually a dream come true for me .

People just don't have the time anymore . At least , I now know , why everyone stops and takes a look , whenever I pull out my crocheting . People just don't do things the old way anymore . They are probably thinking , " look at that old lady knitting just like my grandma used to " .

Have a Blessed Day everyone .

And Then There's Joy

I received  an  e-mail from a dear friend of mine . She shared  this link that I found so crazy appropriate to my Joy study . There's nothing that I could say that would explain what I'm hoping to achieve  with this study better than this video . I hope you can enjoy the joy within .

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?feature=player_embedded&v=FgBF3sIPm4c

 

Hare Comes March

March to me represents renewal , a new beginning , out with the old and of course . . .. . a Resurrection . As each day passes , I anxiously peer out my bedroom window for signs of Spring . To my dismay , March has been nothing but snowfall and cold temperatures .

Usually , by this time , we are filling Easter eggs with candy for our traditional Easter Egg Hunt at Church . This has been become a favorite of Emily's . She loves to lay out the eggs while the children are working on a craft or performing a song .

So where is our Spring ? I long for the open air freshness that breezes through the windows and fills the rooms with it's essence . I long to fling open the curtains and let the children's voices ring loud and clear as they play .

To be in love with Spring is best , you see
when warming earth's alive with growing pains
and cherry petals fill the tangled skeins
the spider spins between the fence and tree
and I should think of keeping cool and bring
tranquility and less impassioned song
to share my bed and yet the whole night through
I lie awake and swear ----- and think of you .

The apartment smells musky and needs a good airing out . Growing impatient for Spring to arrive , I've already begun my cleaning . Going through closets and drawers , I do this every year and yet I still find things to get rid of . Where does this stuff come from ? I'm a pack rat , collecting things so I can have something to do for Spring cleaning !

Another good reason I love Spring ? The end of chemo ! Four down , two more to go . Have a Blessed day everyone .

10 Minute Workout

I have a newfound respect for the people on the Biggest Loser or Dancing With The Stars . It all looks so easy until we ourselves try to mimick what they do . Physical exertion to an overweight person like myself is an ordeal to overcome  .

This past week , Emily and I have placed ourselves on a workout regiment . You should all know by now how much I just hate working out . My regiment consists of a 10 minute workout . That's about all I can handle .That' s how out of shape I have become .

As I worked out , you could hear my cries of pain . Everything was hurting and I mean everything . All the excess flab was jiggling around to the sound of the beat . There was absolutely no sound coming out of Emily's room . Of course !

We all have seen those people working out with Jillian Michaels , throwing up and openly crying . . . falling off the treadmill . We all felt disgusted with them when they gave up and went home . Sometimes , we'd scream into the television screen for them to get up and quit complaining . This is an opportunity for them and if we were there , boy would we exercise every minute ! Losers !

Funny thing , though , since my workout session I vowed never to make comments about these people again . You see , I have become them . I'm walking in their shoes . I have such renewed respect for them , because they are better than me . All I do is ten minutes , they workout for hours and hours .

No more judging for me . Now , on with my workout . Have a Blessed day everyone .

Entering Joy

It's good to let go and laugh when life is weighing you down . It won't change any of the circumstances you find yourself in  , but when you can laugh at the antics of others , it helps to lighten the load .
Sheila Walsh

You can only cry for so long . Sooner or later , you have to get up off the floor and dust yourself off and move on living out your life . We cannot worry ourselves with what is wrong with others when there is so much wrong with ourselves . That's what I've discovered in my Joy study . . . . the wrong within me .

Does that mean I'm completely cured of all that ailed me in the first place ? Probably not . Will I love my work situation like nothing before ? Maybe . Will I fall off the wagon ? Oh yeah . All that and more because I am human . I am the daughter of Adam and Eve , I will fall , but when I do , I will get up and do my very best not to fall twice in the same place .

When we realize our days here matter , our pain has significance and our choices are meaningful , we can step through the darkest of times with hope in our hearts .

Oh hope . . . . that is the magic word . Without it , why even bother ? If I feel that all is lost , why should I continue ? Hope is the glue that holds all of us during our most difficult times . Who is hope ? Ever heard of the saying , " Hope is in the Lord " ? To me , that's who is my hope . Without Him , there is no Joy to enter into .

As I near the end of my Joy study , I can't help but wonder about that little nagging thought way back there in the darkened corner where no one wants to look . All the reasons I've listed are true regarding work , but that's not the only ones . There is that truth that I associate work with resistance to my life's plan .

I have this perfect image in my head of what I want to be doing . Don't we all ? Don't some of you wish you could be on a beach or sailing the world ? We all have that image fermented in our brains as that perfect dream life . In my mind , work is the only resistence to that dream .

Then I think of the Paul , who spent his life traveling evangelizing about Jesus . He never married , was probably lonely traveling all the time and I'm sure he had other plans before becoming a follower of Christ and yet  . . . . he lived out his purpose . Maybe , my purpose isn't where I think it should be . We always think we know what is best for us , but how many times our best has led us astray ?

Could acknowledging and accepting our purpose mean we are finally entering Joy in our life ? I think so . It's like when we are sick . We know the medicine tastes bitter , but we need it to help us get better . When we accept that fact , it somehow goes down alot smoother and quicker .

Mmmm , I think I'm finally getting this Joy thing . Have a Blessed day everyone .

A Hook Of Yarn

I think this past chemo was probably the first one where my routine was completely changed in six years ! Inside my chemo bag , there were no puzzles , no hook  nor yarn for crocheting ! Not one . Instead , it was filled with magazines of every kind and my Joy study book .

As interesting as the new change was , my mind kept drifting , almost longingly , to my crocheting . Oh , how my fingers twitched to mimick the movements of my craft . The feel of the yarn's texture  as it slips through my fingers . . . yes , I miss my crocheting .

The nurses and doctors , all stopped in to see what was my current project . . . . only to discover there wasn't one . When has this hook and yarn become such a comfort to me ? My friend who disguises my pain ? It has been taken away from me with the crippling of my fingers .

Flipping through the magazine , ideas formed with every new item that leapt off the page . What has happened to that woman who only knew how to make blankets ? Her mind expanded with a thirst to do more with her craft .

Yes , I can't wait to get back into my crocheting . Thoughts of new projects occupied the remainder of my hours there . Which one shall I start on first ?

The magazines laying on my lap , long forgotten as my mind drifted off . . . .yet again , into crocheting wonderland .
Have a Blessed day everyone .

A Year Ago

In the midst of preparing  for my new couch , a little Spring cleaning occurred . A little dusting here , a rearrangement of figurines over there . An old , dirty curtain was taken down and a clean one brought in the morning sun . Small blotches of the brightness hit randomly on the snow covered ground . Spring is almost here .

A year ago , what was I doing then ? Did I feel like today ? Did I feel a change coming on , an acceptance of some sort ? Or did I feel overwhelmed with what was coming ? What was I doing then ? A year ago .

In March of last year , I was preparing to go back to work and a few days before , boils  appeared on my body . I remember now . I remember how hard of a transition it was this returning to work .

What will I feel this time next year ? Will I look back with wonder of how I made it through ? Or disappointment of a broken wish that didn't come true ? A year from now .

I'm feeling nostalgic since my treatment . Sitting here , looking out my cherished window , wondering what this new change I'm experiencing will actually bring . Maybe , it's the slow acceptance that each bout with cancer brings . Acceptance of what the outcome will eventually deliver .

A year ago , I was so happy and secretly wishing . . . . praying . . . that this would be the last time . All those tears I cried a year ago  . .. . all for the sake of this cancerous root that won't be plucked out .

A year ago , I sat here , too . Sat here , looking out my cherished window , wishing everyone a Blessed Day .

Bolster Me With Love

In God's way of thinking , everything that comes our way has a purpose . The things we'd rather forget or do over again might be the very things He's using to make us stronger , wiser and more trusting .

Let me also add that our experiences can benefit others . I have shared many of my own stories with other women , both young and old . I have come to learn that we , as women , need other women so we can bolster each other during our trials in life . What does it mean to bolster one another ?

Bolster means " to support or prop up, to buoy or hearten " . When you need a good cry or someone to hear you out or make you laugh , who do you call ? You call another woman .

Yet , because we are women , it's so difficult for us to get along at times . We are so very different and these differences can stir up feelings of jealousy , resentment and  dislike . I say all this because somewhere between page one and seventy-nine of my Joy study , these feelings have left me . I , no longer think negatively regarding my work situation . Instead , I feel compassion and have a strong desire to encourage rather than show disdain .

We as Christians are encouraged to share , minister and strive for harmony  with others . I find , that we as women , need to rejoice with one another and let that be our strength rather than our enemy .

For that reason , let's take time this week to bolster someone's joy and faith . Have a Blessed day everyone .

A Promise Delivered

Last Fall , I wrote a blog about my search for a couch at an estate sale . Unfortunately , I walked away without a couch in my possession . That very night , which was a Saturday , I felt an inner voice telling me to place my couch money into the offering basket at church the next day . Sounds familiar ? Remember reading this ?

Well , God delivered his promise to me with a couch that was delivered to my front door today . I paid nothing for it . I did nothing but open the door and tell them where to deposit it .  Do you know the best part yet ? It matched the decor in my living room ! How awesome is that ?! Now , my living room is complete and I totally love it .

When I listened to that inner voice and gave away that money , I knew , I actually knew God would bring me that couch . It didn't happen overnight , but I waited patiently and here I am sitting on it .

Lord , Jesus , You are my provider and caregiver . I cannot imagine my life without You in it . You have carried me through so many storms whether I am worthy or not of Your love and forgiveness  . You are my Father and I am Your daughter .

May we always remember that He delivers on His promises . Have a Blessed Day everyone .
10

The Lifestyle

" We don't recognize the value in celebrating the strange twists , the difficulties , the so-called failures , when we really should .. .and could . We consider our flops or hard times a defeat , but in reality they are God's greatest compliments . They're transforming love gifts from a gracious heavenly Father ".
Luci Swindoll

My 4th chemo treatment was on Friday and probably the longest time spent there thus far . It started to snow on my way to the hospital and I arrived late . They were so busy . . . the clinic overflowing . . . . delays everywhere .

I love my doctor and enjoy all my visits with her . She examined all my rashes . . . the only part of me not covered in them happens to be my face , neck and calves . The latest spot happened to be my belly button and it made my tummy swell up abit . She just shook her head and grimaced at how much pain I must have been in .

You still want to continue ?

Absolutely ! I'm almost done . Maybe this time it will last at least a couple of years in between .

I know you had that nice long spell after the first time , but it happens so much quickly from that point on .

You mean , I will have to do this every year ?

Maybe , we'll see . Let's talk more when the latest petscan arrives .

As I sat there in my recliner with the chemo dripping into my bloodstream , my heart sank . I don't want to do this every year . I thought of my calendar covering the length of my desk . On it , penciled in were all my dates and upcoming events  in my life . All my chemo dates were entered in brightly colored pens .

As I thought about that calendar , I thought how much my life has changed with each return of this blasted cancer . It started with the cancer fitting  within my life and now , I have to fit in my life among the camcer .

So many changes brought on into my life since the cancer . Regardless of  all the pain that came with it , I can honestly say , that for these past six years I have truly begun to live my life . I guess , that's what it really means to find Joy within my struggles  in life . I think I get it now .

Have a Blessed day everyone .

Exercise Me

When I first read in our Church bulletin about the exercise class that would be held in the basement every Saturday morning , I was delighted . I practically ran to sign up , so enthused was I .

Now , a whole month later , I wish I could say the same . My body covered with rashes and sores , I have no idea what I was thinking back then . Wait a minute ! I know what I was thinking ! I was thinking skinny , but I now know I will never be skinny again .

The first session involved an introductory lesson as to what equipment we would need and the type of exercises we would be performing . We sat around and chatted with one another and expressed  what we wanted to get out of this class .

The second session I missed since I spent the weekend visiting my grandkids in Springfield . I did end up buying all my exercise equipment at Walmart while over there . I wasn't happy spending the money unless I saw some results from this class .

The third session  I also missed because of the rashes and sores that appeared from my chemo . I felt like I abandoned my instructor especially since I made such a huge deal of telling her how much I was looking forward to this . Now , I'm a no show .

So this morning , I grabbed my gear and headed out to my exercise class . Upon arriving , there were like fifty people throughout the church spring cleaning . I totally forgotten about this happening today . Again , no exercise class .

Coming home , telling Emily of why I'm back so soon ,  she says to me  .. . .
" Boy , you really lucked out exercising , haven't you . What's your excuse for next week ? "

She is so right . I hate exercising and deep down inside , I wonder how much of this has really been an excuse to justify my inaction towards it .  I'm looking for the easy way out without my actually putting in any hard work . If I want to lose the weight , really lose the weight , I have to work for it .

Again , that girl is right ! Have a Blessed day everyone .