Showing posts from April, 2012

What's Your Reason For Living ?

One of my subscriptions happens to be to " Joni and Friends " . In one of her devotionals she happened to ask someone " what's your reason for living " . This , I'm sure , stops people in their tracks . . . . . .wondering . Sure  made me stop and think about mine .
   After trying to think of profound , life meaning  and spell bounding answers .......! It's actually simple .
   I want to live a Christ - like existence . I want to have a personal relationship with the people in my life . Upon my death , I want everyone to have warm memories of me . That may not be realistic but it's something to strive for .
   At one time , my answer would have been my children . I have always worried about what would happen to them after I die . Not anymore . My children have accepted Christ amd I know they will be alright . I have peace on that score .
   What is your reason for living ? Write me and I will post it here . Again , no names will be shown for pr…

On The Eve Of May

Woke up this morning to alot of commotion outside my window . Peeking out , I noticed some workmen across the street . . . . briefly . What really caught my eye was the weather . A person walking , wearing a heavy coat . The windy sway of the trees . The gloomy overcast . . . no hint of sun . A small drizzle here and there .No hint of summer on the eve of May .
    As I settled in my bath , reading a book of poetry , I came upon a poem about the ice cream man . I thought of summer and the children when they were small . How the ice cream truck would park itself outside our house waiting for the four of them to burst out barefoot for some ice cream . The four ? My Joe and Emily right along with their two cousins , Kathy and Carol . They could hear that ice cream truck miles away !!! Used to hate that truck . Wish he would park it somewhere else . He knew my kids were faithful clients !
     The Ice Cream Man
      by: Rachel Field
When summer's in the city
And brick's a bla…

Increase Yourself !

Recently , I've watched a show on T.L.C. featuring a woman who was overtly obese weighing in at over 550 lbs . The show had nothing to do with weight loss .  Really , it doesn't matter what the show was about . All I noticed was how confident this woman was about herself . Her image . Her appearance . Herself .
     I was so impressed by this woman . She posed in a bikini , not a swimsuit , but a bikini ! How could one not be impressed with her confidence . She loved herself the way Christ loved her .
    I have struggled with my self image all of my life...especially now . This woman has achieved something I haven't but desired immensely . Impressive indeed ! I wish I had that confidence . I wish I could pose in a bikini  and be proud of my body .
    Reading my devotional today , I thought of that woman . It dealt with increasing your self acceptance and provided a 5 step practical tips to improving your opinion of yourself . This is not the first time I have read…

Settling In

Now that my treatment is over  , we can exhale . It seems like we've been holding our breath the whole time . We moved into our apartment right at the same time we found out my cancer returned . This apartment  always seemed like a resting stop until further notice .
     As I slowly get my health back , I've been wondering about our "rest stop" . Looking around our place I've had this desire to really settle in , redecorating and buying some things . Six more months until our lease expires and right now it looks like we'll be staying for awhile . Let's make it a real home .
     This is big for me . I certainly thought we would be moving elsewhere but that didn't work out . At least not now .  On to plan B .
      So what is plan B ? Just getting comfortable . Originally , we weren't going to buy anymore furniture or replace with newer versions if we were leaving . But now , I have a strong desire  to make it our own .
      I'm tired…

That Leg Thing

When Monday rolled around , I practically skipped to the doctor's ! I've had enough of the pain and wanted nothing more than relief ! Little did I know I'ld spend better part of my day  there . Close to 6 hours !
    Funny , how I've become familiar with the layout of that Hospital . Give me the unit number and already I know which direction to take . My one problem ? I didn't bring enough yarn with me . Was I bored ? You better believe it !
   After sending me for x-rays , which proved everything was working in order , all three doctors stared down at my swollen knee perplexed . Why is this thing swollen . All tests were looking good with just a small amount of arithitis .
   A lightbulb appeared ! Let's drain the knee , send the fluid to Lab and  inject with steroids  . Ahhhh , my friend the steroids . We all know how much I love steroids . Then I asked a stupid question . Will it hurt ? " After all you have been through , this will be nothing &qu…

Music To My Ears

Looking around the room , watching the children sing to our theme song at Sunday School , actually brought tears to my eyes . A  year ago , these same children wanted nothing to do with worship time . They wouldn't participate . Some stood there like lumps saying nothing . Others sat at the table coloring . Coaxing them to join in was  an ordeal .
    That ordeal turned into a GOAL . I wanted them to sing ! I wanted to expose these children to worshiping God through music and song . I had visions in my mind of these same children learning songs by heart and loving it . For some , this would be the only place they hear Christian songs .
    I am fortunate to have a Pastor's Wife who shared that same vision with me . Ater changing the curriculum for the new Sunday School year . . . . .  here we are  . . . . .  six months later , and these same children will be singing in front of the congregation at our church .
   Whether they remember all the words , I'm not sure …

Judging Me , Judging You

We are a judgmental society . Some of us have developed a disease of it and some have a minor affliction , but we all judge to some extent .
     I have been asked how I come up with material for this blog . Well , while taking a bubble bath ! Like tonight , I woke up , my leg throbbing . After much tossing and turning , I decided to get up and take my bath . As I soaked , I reflected , reflected and reflected again on the days events .
    I have missed the last two Women's Group . My leg hurting and my thyroid flaring up I have decided to stay home and rest . At a church event  last night , I ran into a fellow Women Group Sista . After exchanging pleasantries , she chastized me , with a smile , for not coming to last week group . I held back my words and smiled back . In my mind , I thought , so she was there last week . . . . . . . what about the other weeks ? Judging me , judging you .
  I realized , while taking my bath , how quickly I ended up judging her the same way …

Tears For Linda

My dear , dear friend Linda . I have written about her since day one . Her cancer has spread to her liver now . The chemo is not working and AGAIN it has been changed . There are moments in our lives where we fall to our kness in prayer . This is one of those times . I am begging , begging everyone to pray for her and her family . As her husband , Bob , was telling me her " progress /update " , I couldn't find any words . What do I say ? What can I do ? I love this woman . Please pray for her .

Lyrics:- You stood before creation
Eternity in Your hand
You spoke the earth into motion
My soul now to stand You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You So I’ll walk on salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand So what can I say
What can I do
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You So what…

I'm Watching You

I've been following this blog called ," Blessed By Brenna ". It is a blog about a baby born with a skin disorder called Harlequin Ichthyosis . A baby , that at first glance , makes one aware that she has an illness just  by  looking at her appearance .
   Recently , the mother wrote of an experience where the child was gawked  at in public . I felt for that mother . I couldn't image being gawked at by others in that fashion . I wear my scarves in different ways  , I put on eyeliner and eyeshadow to hide the fact I don't have lashes but you can tell that there is something ......a little something different about my appearance than the average persons . Yet , I have not been stared at .........until now .
   I went to work as usual . Arriving , I  flash my I.D. and show my purse contents to the security guard . His eyes never left my face . He's not looking inside my purse or my I.D.  You could see the perplexation on his face as if he is trying very hard…

The Drive Through Of No Waiting

As a mother , I have used that famous description of the fork in the road when trying to explain changes in my children's lives . This has become a favorite lecture of my Emily's . Whenever , she had an important decision to make , she would always bring up those two roads in front of her . Which way do I go , momma ?
    Now , that she has become a young woman of 23 yrs. , she has added another pitfall to her dilemna of the two roads . Instead , of just seeing the two roads she also has to avoid a ditch on her way to the two roads . At times , when things are pretty bad , she actually falls in before she reaches the road .
    I try to hide a smile as I listen to the current indecisions and yes , she has fallen in ! The young are so impatient to live life . They want to experience it right NOW ! If someone is getting married , they want to be married , too . A new job ? A steady boyfriend ? A pregnancy ? When is it to be my turn ? They don't want to hear explanatio…

Here Comes The Rain

It's been raining on and off all day . I love the rain . In my younger , youthful years I would walk in the rain with my face turned upwards . . . . . thunder and lightening welcomed ! I felt no fear of being struck . I only saw the beauty of thunderstorms . Never quite understood why people were afraid of them . Want to see God's awesome power and beauty ? Checkout a thunderstorm .
             What a lovely weekend it has been ! During the middle of the week I played hookie from work doing absolutely nothing but relaxing and being lazy . I have been so tired and feeling worn out that I decided to take a break . No Women's Group . . . . . . no overtime . . . . . .no work . . . . .  nothing  . . . . . just me and Emily and Diamond , of course .
             Talk about needing some time off !!! I feel great ! As the rain poured down , I could feel all the tiredness wash away from me . The worry and fears . . . . .everything . Looking out the window , all I s…

On My Knees

A time comes when we all have experienced " waiting ". . . . . . . where the waiting takes awhile . . . . . . it becomes almost a fantasy instead of reality . . . . .  .but when it does come . . . . . .after the joy subsides . . . . . .  one becomes afraid . . . . . afraid of losing that joy . . . . . that it's fleeting  . . . . pins and needles . . . . heart in our throat . . . . . . . don't take my joy  . . . . . on my knees I fall . . . . Dear Lord . . . .

Dear Lord,
I’m on my knees again
I come to you because you understand.
I’ve tried so hard, but I just can’t change myself
That’s why I know I need your help.
So here I am, this is my plea,
My only hope is your love for me.
I’m reaching out so desperately.
Come take my hand, take all of me, just as I am.
Oh Lord you made what’s broken new.
Why can’t I learn, to follow you?
I want to know you, to feel you in my soul, I surrender all control.
So here I am, this is my plea,
My only hope is…

A Broken Mirror

This is something I wrote  few years back and was saving this for  Friday the 13th . Hope you enjoy !!!

It all started when I broke a mirror.It was in late September on a Saturday night as my mom and I were getting ready for a wedding.I completely shattered the entire full length mirror into kazillion pieces!! Not a million but kazillion pieces!!!!! Oh well,seven years....
Yet ,I had the best time ever.I can't even remember when I enjoyed a wedding more.This wedding was something else.It was full of young people who danced and danced the whole night.The DJ didn't take a single break! I felt like I was in a club.Thats the way it should be.Life is for the living.
I looked around and saw us old folks just sitting and watching.Thats how life really is.The young are so full of expectation and wonder but most of all.....impatience for tomorrow to come.What are we?We're tired.We know what tomorrow will bring and it won't always be pretty.
In the same week,Emily had an op…

Keeping The Faith

As I headed out for testing on my heart , it never occurred to me that I would encounter a fascinating young woman along the way . After signing in at the Heart Center , I sat down preparing for a lengthy wait . Pulling out my crocheting for this particular reason , I was very surprised to hear my name called out . It was only a few minutes wait .
            A young woman in her middle 20"s smiled at me as she led me into the room where my tests were to be done . She introduced herself and I'm ashamed to say I can't remember her name .
         She was full of questions about my cancer . How did I find out I had cancer ? What was my chemo like ? Where did I have my surgery ? How many stages were there ? Did I have a complete hysterectomy ? How long ago was my  first bout with cancer ? The questions were endless . She seemed genuinely interested in my cancer .
        She spoke of her Pastor's message this past Sunday at church . How he spoke of healing…

Letting Go

For the past month , I have written about all my illnesses and about my inability of adjusting to life after going back to  work . Nothing has improved in that area . Honestly , I've been avoiding the only obvious solution ........letting go of something . Until my health improves , I don't see any other solution . My body isn't what it used to be and quite honestly , it never fully recovered from my last bout with cancer . If anything , my body feels weaker .
    But what do I let go of ? Every activity I do , I really enjoy . I don't love one more than the other . Let's make a list :
1. doctor appointments
                                    they can vary . This week alone I have three . Obviously , I can't let go of this .
2. once or twice a month events
                                                  this includes things like lectures , town hall mtgs , fellowship dinners at
                                                  church and any other ch…

A Subdued Mood

My left leg has been throbbing with pain . Swollen , achy from thigh to big toe . I can't take the pain any longer . My leg has been getting worse and worse . I'm  anxiously awaiting my doctor appointments . Anxiously is not really the word I want to use .
       I thought of Jesus and all the torture and abuse He endured .....all without complaint . Not even all of that for Himself , but for me .
       This past week , I have wondered what each day must have been like for Him knowing what was to come  . What were His thoughts . His feelings . As I looked around , I wondered how many people thought as I .
      Every spiritual holiday , I feel like people miss the boat .That they are so wrapped up in the commercialization of the holiday that they miss the real message...purpose . Everywhere I went , I wished people a Happy Easter and let me say this ......the majority of them smiled back and wished the same to me .
   My emotions , my mood has been very subdued late…

Missing The Past

Throughout this Lenten Season , I have read of many traditions that people were partaking in especially this past week . Each devotional started with , " as we prepare " . . . .  I feel like I should be doing something . Like I'm not doing enough .
           A sense of emptiness fills me and I start to analyze , reflect  and revisit my life . This is a pattern I have just discovered about myself ....a pattern that every Holiday or special event brings out in me . With everyone of these gatherings I have felt a wave of nostalgia , a sense of loss that was very hard for me to interpret . For awhile , I thought that maybe I was on a verge of something experience that God wanted me to sort through .
          Alas , I think I figured out " this feeling " I've been having . I miss the traditions that we do as a family with our children .  My children are gone and there are no more special traditions to experience . They are placed on a …

Tea With The Mad Hatter

Yesterday , I spent the afternoon with the Mad Hatter having tea and sandwiches . The room was filled with Alice in Wonderland decor and the ladies all wore outrageous hats ! In case , you may think I've lost my marbles , let me assure you I'm perfectly sane .
               We had our yearly "Goodbye To Winter Tea " at my church hosted by my Pastor's wife . This year's theme was Alice in Wonderland . The men served us wearing white crisp shirts and black bowties . All the ladies dressed up in zany outfits and outrageously beautiful hats .  It was just lovely . The message was based on Alice's quest to finding out " who am I "?
               Who am I ? Where am I going ? What path should I take ? What should I do ? We , as women , are everchanging . We are constantly re-discovering ourselves . I find the older I get the harder it is for me to accept change . I just want to sit in  my comfortable corner and have tea with the Mad Ha…