As I headed out to my radiation treatment this morning, I could feel the nausea stirring up. By the time I parked my car in the parking lot, my stomach began to rumble. I knew then it would be a difficult day for me. Already being on a daily dosage of anti diarrhea pills, deep down inside I knew it wouldn't be enough today. This, by far, is the worst part of my recovery.
Since my surgery back in early May, I have been dealing with either constipation or the other extreme, diarrhea. It's been never ending, first the surgery, then chemo and now radiation. I couldn't even remember what it felt like to just be normal, going to the bathroom like everyone else. I often wonder if things would go back to the way they were or is this to be the new thing.
I could feel the pity party welling up inside my throat as I headed back to that locker room. Pity party, until I stepped inside. There was a woman waiting for her turn. A woman who every morning packs up her family of five and brings them to radiation, because she has no sitter. Another stood by the lockers, one who travels two hours on public transportation each way. The one in the bathroom, my heart goes out to her the most. She's on two high blood pressure medications and she is lucky if a week goes by where she isn't sent to the E.R. because of it.
How dare I have a pity party for myself? I walk around preaching to other women on having a positive outlook, the acceptance of one's illness, living life to the fullest. Aren't I perfect! I have dealt with this and I have accepted that! Yet, I can't handle radiation. How's that for falling off my pedestal? Oh, I can write a good blog post, but I know nothing about compassion. For all my big talk, I lacked to show compassion to others. I failed to see their struggle, their walk. All I saw was mine.
Arriving home, my phone beeps indicating a message. God is good all the time. And I burst into tears.
Good Morning Lottie,
This morning in my quiet time with Jesus ... I was thinking of you & lifted you in prayer. Lord bless my friend today. I love you.... This is what I read.
Isaiah 41:10, “So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.” (NIV)
Psalm 15:1-2, “Who may worship in your sanctuary, LORD? Who may enter your presence on your holy hill? Those who lead blameless lives and do what is right, speaking the truth from sincere hearts.” (NLT)
Have a blessed day everyone.