Showing posts from August, 2016

The Compassion

Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

As I headed out to my radiation treatment this morning, I could feel the nausea stirring up. By the time I parked my car in the parking lot, my stomach began to rumble. I knew then it would be a difficult day for me. Already being on a daily dosage of anti diarrhea  pills, deep down inside I knew it wouldn't be enough today. This, by far, is the worst part of my recovery.

Since my surgery back in early May, I have been dealing with either constipation or the other extreme, diarrhea. It's been never ending, first the surgery, then chemo and now radiation. I couldn't even remember what it felt like to just be normal, going to the bathroom like everyone else. I often wonder if things would go back to the way they were or is this to be the new thing.

I could feel the pity party welling up inside my throat as I headed back to that locker room. Pity party, until I stepped inside. There wa…

That Bible Study

Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

I've always been a person who has loved to be challenged and it's no different when it comes to a Bible study. I'm always looking for a more in depth study with many questions, activities and even homework. In the past, I have done many Beth Moore studies, because she offered that kind of challenge. Well, I can honestly say I found one more challenging than Beth's!

It's been a dream of mine to go through the Bible chapter by chapter, verse by verse. Dr. J. Vernon McGee's "Thru The Bible" on-line five year study provides just that. 

My original plan was to sit down daily and tune into his program for my study. First, I would write out the chapter we were working on. Then I would write in the explanations from Dr. McGee. A lot of work I know, but this method insures I will remember it's contents. The only problem is that I cannot do it on a regular basis. It d…

GBTW (Going Back To Work)

Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                       everyday is a journey.

My decision to go back to work has been a long thought out process. Even though I can stay home during this radiation, I've decided that it would be better for my mental state to return and focus on something other than this situation. I'm looking forward to the normalcy of my old life. I do wonder what that will look like since things never stay the same for long. Can we really go back?

Having said that, I know it will be a challenge for me to set the alarm for around 5 a.m., get dressed, eat and head out to radiation each and everyday for another 16 days. Come home, get changed again, eat lunch and head out for work. It will be a tight schedule and I will be tired, very tired, but I'd rather do that then sit around home fussing over this radiation. Maybe, it will go by faster, too.

Besides, I'm anxious to get …

That Writing Itch

Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

I had such great plans for my writing. I really thought my mornings would be spent in deep concentration typing out all these stories that were buried inside. That's how I planned on spending my recovery at home. All my good intentions fell to the wayside. There were times where no posts were available for several days on my blog let alone my literary projects. I didn't even touch those!

It seems that God had other things planned for me. I certainly spent this time in contemplation on what to do with all of this dissatisfaction I've been feeling. Little did I know that beneath the surface of dissatisfaction lay an entire host of pain that I spent piling under the rug instead of working it out. You can't get past the Holy Spirit. He'll stop you dead in your tracks until you deal with it. 

It has always been very therapeutic for me to write about my feelings. There are things t…

A Family Of Believers 2

Everyday is a brand new day,
                            everyday is a journey.

 Being social in Church is not an easy thing for me, especially since my mentor Anna left over five years ago, moving to Texas. I'd rather write about it then talk about it. Since we both were single moms, it was easy to hang out together, especially when it came to Church events. It's a good thing to have a buddy for those awkward moments we all go through when it comes to meeting new people. Breaking the ice, not an easy thing for me. Give me a blank sheet of paper and I will pour my heart out. Ask me to speak to someone face to face, I clam up my emotions faster than Roadrunner. 

When a neighborhood Church opened up it's doors, I could't be more delighted. I no longer had to travel a distance, so I quickly joined. Being a newbie Christian, I embraced the Church life. I loved the idea of a Church family, I wanted to belong. I volunteered and supported every event,…

A Family Of Believers

Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                      everyday is a journey.

Thy sinless mind in us reveal,
    Thy spirit's plenitude impart!
  Till all my spotless life shall tell
    The abundance of a loving heart.

Almost every Church out there proclaims to be a Church family or community. Isn't that the goal of every Church? Ever since I have become a Christian, I have been looking for that Church family of believers. Even though my son is a Pastor, I've struggled in finding a Church where I can fit in.

How can I plug into this Church family of believers? I can see how people who live near the Church and have day jobs (9 to 5) are able to join the weekly Bible Study or Church events. Everything seems to happen during the week, not leaving much room for us who don't work normal hours.

I have been on the lookout for that family atmosphere that every Christian Church claims …

Gaining Contentment

Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

O, my friend, rise up and follow
Where the hand of God shall lead;
He has brought thee through affliction,
But to fit thee for his need.-
-Mary Howitt.

If you could have one thing in life, what would that be?
Answer:I want to be content.

Wow, that's pretty heavy and a wee bit difficult to achieve. How does contentment look like to you? That depends on the person. Everyone has their own version of contentment. There isn't one particular type that suits everyone. For me, contentment means being with the Lord in Heaven. I feel that it's the only place where I can truly, truly be content.
If we wished to gain contentment, we might try such rules as these:-- 1. Allow thyself to complain of nothing, not even of the weather. 2. Never picture thyself to thyself under any circumstances in which thou art not. 3. Never compare thine own lot with that of another. 4. Never allow thyself to dwell on t…

Day 5 Of 25

Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Here it is, day 5 of 25. Lord, it's only been five days, yet it feels like forever. Somehow, I thought it would go a little faster. Everyday, I wake up around 3 a.m. and spend the next three hours trying to convince myself that all of this is worth it. I go kicking and screaming every single day for my radiation treatment. 

Today was a little different. Today I sat at my desk and began to write. I watched as the world slowly woke up to another new day. I watched as the lights of my neighbors homes came on one by one, as they prepared to face their day. I watched the world go from the dark of the night to a crisp morning. And I wrote.

No matter how I might have felt or still am feeling about the last few months, God still blessed me. He had my best interests in mind. I acknowledge that truth. This certainly has been a hot and humid Summer, especially July. There is no way I would have been ab…

Airing It Out

Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                    everyday is a journey.

I'm always a little concerned when it comes to voicing or posting my true feelings on things in general, especially on this blog. I don't ever want to come across as a whiner, a gloomy person or depressing. So I weigh my words very carefully, tweaking and re-reading my entries over and over again. 

The very first week I've ever blogged someone said to me, "Oh God, not another cancer story! It's just too depressing!" Since then, I've been very careful to be a different kind of cancer blog. I've written posts that I thought would be received extremely well, only to find the opposite. The same goes for the ones that I felt were lackluster and yet, the response was fantastic.  

That's why, when I started posting about my current status with radiation, I was a wee bit worried as to how it would be rec…

The Fmla

Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                    everyday is a journey.

O Lord my God, do Thou Thy holy will,--
I will lie still.
I will not stir, lest I forsake Thine arm,
And break the charm
Which lulls me, clinging to my Father's breast,
In perfect rest.

Flma, one of my least favorite things to take care of. I know there are people who love to go on Fmla and use that benefit to it's fullest, but not me. In fact, I hate to even call it a benefit. I have so many nightmarish stories to tell, but I fear my blood pressure may not take it. My experience with them has been anything but pleasant. I truly, truly believe their main purpose is to upset you so much that regardless if you are ready or not physically, you will come back to work just to avoid dealing with them. 

With my company, they would like to have at least a month notice if you plan on using this benefit. Fine, I called them…

Highlight Of The Week #22

Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

I met a little Elf-man once,
Down where the lilies blow.
I asked him why he was so small
And why he didn't grow. He slightly frowned, and with his eye
He looked me through and through.
"I'm quite as big for me," said he
"As you are big for you." --John Kendrick Bangs.

Health-wise, I'm feeling so much better. Not having chemo any longer, I can see my body becoming stronger on a weekly basis. What a relief not to have side effects, especially the constipation or the exhaustion. 

As to the radiation, it has been only the first three days and so far physically, I'm adapting nicely. I've had some minor stomach upsets, but it might be too early to tell. Mentally, not so much. I find myself being very robotic and mechanical in behavior. I'm not joking with the technicians or even smiling. I just want to get through it and run away. I did confide in my female technici…

The Reading List

Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Mind, it is our best work that He wants, not the dregs of our exhaustion. I think He must prefer quality to quantity.

I've always been a huge supporter of books, but throughout the last few years, I've found myself collecting them more than reading them. When did that happen? 

Somewhere along the way, I've developed a deep sense of busyness where I needed to be constantly doing something. Busy with my Ministry. Busy with my blog. Busy with work. Busy. Busy. Busy. I needed a sense of accomplishment that busyness entailed. Every space on my calendar had to be scribbled in with appointments or activity. I would subscribe to anything and everything so my e-mail folder was over brimming with mail. 

Remember the girl in the waiting room of the radiation dept.? So who am I trying to impress with all of this busyness? God desires quality not quantity. With that in mind, I…

The Radiation 2

Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

 The idea of radiation really broke me. I'm not afraid of the symptoms that come with it or or the act of radiation, but just the whole process. To think that I would have to give up so much of my time, valuable time. It disrupted my life so much that I wondered if any of it was worth it. 

I mean, I have to get up so early in the morning, drive around 45 minutes, get undressed and wait in the waiting room, get zapped for a fifteen minutes, get dressed again, pay for parking (6.75 each day), drive another 45 minutes back home and do that every single day for five weeks. All so I can do it all again next year.

You know, what that young lady from my meltdown said?  When it comes to one's health, it's all worth it. Mmmm, let me think about that. In another words, as long as I'm alive, the quality of life really doesn't matter. It's so easy for someone who has had cancer once …

The Meltdown

Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

I do not ask, O Lord, that life may be
A pleasant road;
I do not ask that thou would'st take from me
Aught of its load.
For one thing only, Lord, dear Lord, I plead:
Lead me aright--
Though strength should falter, and though heart should bleed--
Through peace to light.
--Adelaide A. Procter.

According to Rick Warren, there are three questions that are unanswerable.
Why me.
Why this.
Why now. 

I haven't written anything since my meltdown two Fridays ago. As much as I have embraced my cancer these past nine years, an encounter that particular day with a young lady really got me thinking. Mind you, I've already had a horrible day. It really has not been an easy transition this time around. I'm older (51 1/2) and I could see a real difference in how my body recovered from surgery and treatment. It was slow and exhausting. 

I met this young lady in the changing room of my radiation simu…

The Radiation

Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

I, and the bird,
And the wind together,
Sang a supplication
In the winter weather.
The bird sang for sunshine,
And the trees for winter fruit,
And for love in the spring time
When the thickets shoot.
And I sang for patience
When the teardrops start;
Clean hands and clear eyes,
And a faithful heart.
--Arthur C. Benson

Lately, when I awaken in the morning, I find myself laying in bed just thinking. I think about everything and I mean everything. The minute my thinking turns negative I jump out of bed before the devil moves inside of me. That's my strategy. I want to stay on the right and stay away from the left.

This morning my thinking turned to my radiation since I had an appointment in a few hours for a simulation (sims). Even though, I have resigned myself to the act of receiving radiation, I still had problems with the idea of having to go there every single morning.

Remember that I'…

Throwback Thursday

Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

  Here we at yet another Throwback Thursday where we take a look at the year 2013 and provide an update on where we are now.  The chemo I was receiving in 2013 was one of the worst I've ever had. Or I should say, the side effects were the worst. My entire body broke out in these rashes, especially if I used hot water. At first, my oncologist thought they were basic rashes until the halfway point of my treatment where it spread like  wild fire all over my body.  I had to take cold showers, use no deodorant or any restricting clothes, because of the irritation it would cause on my skin. Throughout the day, I would sprinkle on some corn starch all over my aching body for some relief. When it reached the bottom of my feet, my oncologist took me off and prescribed another type of chemo.  Besides, I worked during this one, taking off a couple of days for treatment. My boss was a very demanding…

The Scorching Heat

Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                   everyday is a journey.

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm over this heatwave! June was absolutely gorgeous weather and my heart was aching for a balcony to enjoy the cool evening breezes. July was quite the opposite! Heatwave after heatwave ensued where going out was almost unbearable unless one headed out to the beach. Hopefully, this scorching heatwave will end soon. I miss my open windows!

I became like all the other seniors venturing out at the stroke of 07:00 every morning before the sun came out for all my errands. I'm definitely becoming a fuddy duddy complaining about the constant air conditioner air, blinding sun streaking through the picturesque windows and the perpetual sweating whenever one headed outdoors for any kind of activity. 

This morning was no different from all the others as I braved the early sun, marching to…

The Language Of Flowers

Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                       everyday is a journey.

He who plants a tree,
 he plants love;
Tents of coolness spreading out above
Wayfarers, he may not live to see.
Gifts that grow are best;
Hands that bless are blest;
Plant-life does the rest!
Heaven and earth help him who plants a tree,
And his work his own reward shall be. --Lucy Larcom.

It's certainly been a long time since I sat down and read a book cover to cover without interruption. I have an entire bookshelf full of books and magazines, some even overflowing onto the floor. I love books! I've always wanted an entire wall of bookshelves from ceiling to floor. Love, love books. 

Back in April when my cancer returned, I decided  to take advantage of the recovery season to sit down and read some of these books. One of the very first happened to be called The Language Of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh. It was a book from my sist…

Blessings Galore

Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

The Lord will guide you continually
And satisfy your soul in drought
And strengthen your bones
You shall be like a watered garden
And like a spring of water whose 
waters do not fail.
Isaiah 58:11 

We have a thwarted view of what blessings really look like, don't we? We expect them to be grand and over zealous in nature. We want and expect great blessings to be poured over us. I mean, we are so much better than that person at Church or at work or across the street from us. They're heathens and we of course, are saved.

When life is great, we all think like that, but the minute it becomes a little ugly . . . . . well, we're not exactly Job's, are we? We demand. We sob. We beg. We make deals with God. We make excuses for our behavior. Anything to get back on top.

The last few months, I feel I've been one of those people I described above. You see, I've fallen off the trust wagon th…