Saturday, February 28, 2015

A Minor Setback

Boy, I'm having a great start to the New Year. Everything I have said I would improve on, turned out even worse than before. Talk about being tested.

Of course, I'm not surprised. Saying it and doing it are two separate things. Acting out my intentions has never been easy for me. My New Year's resolution was to be a better person. Well, almost immediately I was asked to be a better person at work and I totally rebelled like a spoiled child.

Be very careful for what you ask.

As always, God sees what we don't. There were obviously reasons for the way things turned out, except that I fought them instead of going along with the flow. I say I want to quit worrying and let Jesus lead our way and what happens? I still rebel and take the lead on my own.

Why can't we allow God to take the wheel? We say we trust Him, yet our actions prove otherwise.

This week I'm a little on edge since I'm having a small procedure at the dentist's and I'm very nervous. There will be some swelling and bruising, but that's a price I have to pay for not being proactive in the past.

This year, I made a secret promise to myself to get some of these issues resolved that I have procrastinated on. Dental happens to be one of them. My arthritis/knee pain is second on the list and new eye glasses heading up in third place.

The rebellion I displayed at work involved my vacation time, but now I can see that I will be needing these days to take care of these issues. That's why things work out the way they do, sometimes in a way we may not like. There are reasons that God only sees. This was one of them.

So the next time you may feel like rebelling at things that aren't quite working the way you may want them to, let it go. Let Him take that wheel. There are reasons that are not known to you yet. Trust Him that He knows what He is doing.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Friday, February 27, 2015

Crabby Old Lady

When I first read this poem, I felt a little saddened by it, remembering a documentary on PBS regarding Alzheimer's  in Nursing Homes. It centered on one particular patient.

Now, I have to be honest that I didn't see the complete version from beginning to end, but more of the middle to end.

What struck me as sad was the fact that during this entire filming, I did not see anyone from her family visiting her. Maybe, they did in the beginning, not sure.

In her room , she had many pictures of her grandchildren and dear ones. She often spoke about her life and memories with others, yet she was facing old age alone.

I'm not here to remark on whether or not nursing homes are good, all I know is that I felt such pity for her. Her entire life was in that room, that's what it came down to. Her life packed into one little room. She was so much more than that and I felt the sadness of that reality.

I think we forget that seniors are people who have lived full lives and we place them in a room filled with their memories and forget all about them.

The following poem was sent from my dear mentor, Grandma Barb. I hope you enjoy.


Crabby Old Lady What do you see nurses? .. .. .. What do you see?
What are you thinking .. .. .. when you're looking at me?
A crabby old lady .. .. .. not very wise,
Uncertain of habit .. .. .. with faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food .. .. .. and makes no reply.
When you say in a loud voice .. .. .. 'I do wish you'd try!'
Who seems not to notice .. .. .. the things that you do.
And forever is losing .. .. .. A sock or shoe?

Who, resisting or not .. .. .. lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding .. .. .. a long day to fill?
Is that what you're thinking? .. .. .. Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse .. .. .. you're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am .. .. .. As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding, .. .. .. as I eat at your will.
I'm a small girl of Ten .. .. .. with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters .. .. .. who love one another.

A young girl of Sixteen .. .. .. with wings on her feet.
Dreaming that soon now .. .. .. a lover she'll meet.
A bride soon at Twenty .. .. .. my heart gives a leap.
Remembering, the vows .. .. .. that I promised to keep.

At Twenty-Five, now .. .. .. I have young of my own.
Who need me to guide .. .. .. a secure happy home.
A woman of Thirty .. .. .. My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other .. .. .. With ties that should last.

At Forty, my young sons .. .. .. have grown and are gone,
But my man is beside me .. .. .. to see I don't mourn.
At Fifty, once more, .. .. .. babies play 'round my knee,
Again, we know children .. .. .. My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me .. .. .. my husband's now dead.
I look at the future .. .. .. and shudder with dread.
For my young are all rearing .. .. .. young of their own.
And I think of the years .. .. .. and the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman .. .. .. and nature is cruel.
'Tis jest to make old age .. .. .. look like a fool.
The body, it crumbles .. .. .. grace and vigor depart.
There is now a stone .. .. .. where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass .. .. .. a young girl still dwells,
And now and again .. .. .. my battered heart swells.
I remember the joys .. .. .. I remember the pain.
And I'm loving and living .. .. .. life over again.

I think of the years, all too few .. .. .. gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact .. .. .. that nothing can last.
So open your eyes, people .. .. .. open and see.
Not a crabby old woman .. .. .. look closer .. .. .. see ME!!


Have a Blessed day everyone.

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Throwback Thursday

My journey in this life has always been guided by Christ. In the earlier years, I followed Christ as a Catholic and now as a born again Christian. My love for Him has not changed, except it has grown even deeper.

The only difference? Well, my relationship, my awareness and my knowledge to the importance of living life according to Jesus. My only regret spiritually happens to be that I didn't know Him that closely earlier in life as I began my journey.

Just imagine how much better my life would have been and maybe even a little easier.

Have a Blessed day everyone.
  " My refuge and my fortress , my God , in whom I trust ".
                                                                             Psalm 91: 2
  After I read that first chapter of my book , I couldn't stop thinking . My whole life flashed before me . I can remember when I was a young mom . I had such strong views  on where I thought I would be twenty years down the road . I knew what I wanted and I was ready to wait to get it . I viewed my future life through rose colored glasses .
  Back then , I loved the city and everything it stood for . Now , I can't wait to get away from it .When I look back , I can't believe how much I have changed since that young mom . I want none of those same things that I patiently waited for all of my young life .
   In all these changes , my faith , My God , has always been there . I may have been angry with Him , disappointed but it didn't matter ....He was there . That never changed . What did change is that my relationship with Him grew warmer.......better because I let Him in .
   My refuge and my fortress , my God , in whom I trust .I never really understood and felt that verse until now . I could have never gone through and make it without Him . He has been in  my life for 47yrs. Long before I was even ready to experience the relationship He has been patiently waiting for .

Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Welcome Me Back, Jesus

The other day, as I was cleaning out some paperwork from boxes, I came across an old poem I've written last year. It was written during a time where I felt a thirst for the Word of God. I felt emptiness and a separation due to many years of serving and not getting enough food to feed my soul. I was hungry for God.

I wrote it on scarp paper at work during a moment where I felt such emptiness. I wanted to be back so desperately within my Father's arms. Hope you enjoy.


Oh, how I miss those days
of complete oneness,
the thrill of running to you
as you await  me with open arms.
Welcome me back, Sweet Jesus,
welcome me back.
Lift me up in Your loving Embrace.
Enfold my soul within Your own.

Pick me up, Lord
I am waiting outside Your door.
Pick me up and dust me off
of all the unclean film
Bathe me in Your love
and dress me in Your Grace.

Lord, bring me back to Your fold
Bring me back out of the
land of bitterness.
Wipe away my tears as I
nestle in the nook of your arms.
Take my hand and never let it go
Lead me where I can feel whole
again.


Have a Blessed day everyone.


Monday, February 23, 2015

More Monday Funnies

Between Emily and I, it seems we have spent so much time at the dentist recently. It seems only appropriate that I share the following that I came across the other day.

Amidst all the pain that comes from visiting the dentist, we also need to remember to laugh once in a while, especially with our beautiful set of teeth.

As we have gone through this process, it seems we have enlightened others to remember their own issues and appointments that they need to make with their own choppers. As long as our pain ends up being someone else's gain, it's all in a day's work, folks!

In case you are looking for a dentist, here are some things to check off that list. Have a Blessed day everyone.


How to Choose a Dentist
Never trust a dentist . . .
. . . who wears dentures.
. . . who has hairy knuckles.
. . . whose drill is driven by a system of pulleys connected to three mice on a treadmill.
. . . who sends you a Christmas card and charges you for it.
. . . who chews tobacco and spits the juice into the sink.
. . . who uses the suction hose to empty your pockets.
. . . who is also a barber.
. . . who sprays his equipment with Lysol to sterilize it.
. . . who uses lead for fillings.
You can always trust a dentist . . .
. . . who has never chewed gum.
. . . who looks like Jack Nicholson.
. . . who doesn't ask you questions when your mouth's full.
. . . who puts you to sleep two weeks before your appointment.
. . . who uses a laser instead of a drill.
. . . who cancels your appointment to play tennis.
. . . who has mellow rock piped into his office instead of elevator music.
. . . who doesn't strap you in the chair.

Sunday, February 22, 2015

My Idea Of Exercise

Hello everyone,

I am feeling wonderfully blessed today! It is Sunday, a day of spiritual and family rest. I hope you take advantage of this special day God set aside just for us.

Today, there is no witty or sophisticated blog, only humor. We all need to laugh out loud, a roar that comes from deep within our belly.

Enjoy. Relax. Bask in the beauty that surrounds us. Happy Sabbath everyone.

 

EXERCISE FOR PEOPLE   OVER 50

 
1.   Begin by standing on a   comfortable   surface, where you have
plenty of room at each side.
2.   With a 5-lb   potato bag in each hand, extend your arms straight
out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can.
Try to reach a full minute, and then relax.
3.   Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer. After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato bags.
4.   Then try 50-lb potato bags and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.   (I'm at this level.)
5.   After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag

 
Have a Blessed day everyone.

Saturday, February 21, 2015

Doubting Me

 
My decision making in the past has been anything but ideal. Whenever it is time to make one, I begin to doubt myself by remembering all the bad ones. I'm always left feeling unsure what to do next.
 
I've come to realize that perhaps many of my decisions have been forced, because of my inability to wait. Waiting is very difficult, because we want a solution now and not later.
 
Worrying plays a huge part in this process and I'm a worry-wart by nature.
 
"The most notorious faith killer in all of life: worry."
~Chuck Swindoll
 


For now, Emily and I, have decided to basically leave all decisions to the Lord. We pray about it and leave it. No decision should evoke so much distress as we have done, especially in the past year. We are obviously not ready to take on this responsibility.

Of course, that doesn't make me stop worrying, because my growth in this is a work in progress. I'm trying folks, really trying.

So for now, all of this will be placed on a shelf until further notice.  Believe me, we have so much to focus on right now without placing more stress on ourselves. Yet, we do so all the time. Why? I guess by nature there is a little bit of Adam and Eve in all of us.

One day at a time, one step at a time. All I can handle is today's business, because everything else seems very overwhelming at this point.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Friday, February 20, 2015

One Step At A Time

Taking those first steps at home on my own remain one of my best moments of my recovery. Those few steps convinced me I was getting better.
Excerpt form 90 Minutes In Heaven.

When I remember those first few months of recovery, all I think of is how na├»ve I was in the whole process of  cancer treatment. I really had no idea what I was in for.

I was so incredibly weak that everything seemed such a monumental obstacle to overcome. Just sitting in our garden on a bench for a few minutes, took a lot out of me. Maybe, it was the walk from the living room to the backyard that tired me out, but naps usually followed any kind of activity.

In the first few weeks of my recovery, a bed was made for me on  the couch in the living room. It was the perfect spot since it was large enough for me to freely move around in, it had a television, had no stairs for me to climb and the front door was right there.

During my recovery, there were many naps throughout the day, because every physicality took so much out of me. Even food was a huge deal since my appetite was gone and my weight was getting smaller every week.

When did I realize I was becoming stronger? I think the first night that  I actually slept through the entire night without waking, I knew I was finally getting better.

Or the first week without any kind of pain to report was amazing. I was sitting in Church when I realized I actually went through the entire week and no medical complaints of any kind. I knew I was getting better.

It's funny how we measure our levels of success. When we are healthy and everything is going great, we place a much higher goal for ourselves, sometimes even one that is unattainable. Yet, when we are struggling, everything changes and we focus on living more a step by step mentality. There's a lesson here, folks.

Have a Blessed day everyone.


A Fuzzy Future


I just don't know where I'm going. I lack any clear direction about my future.
Excerpt from 90 Minutes In Heaven.

For a long time after that initial bout with cancer, I saw a blank page when thinking about the future. I couldn't see myself doing anything in the foreseeable future except the day by day routine.

Even now I don't like to make any plans far ahead and it has been almost eight years in May. I have no idea why.

Before my illness, I was a planner. I made plans for the next twenty years. I liked to set out goals for myself, because back then I had huge dreams totally different from the ones I'm living.

When I glance back on my life, I find I was very goal driven. I wanted to secure my finances, I wanted a beautiful home and a successful career. Basically, I wanted to be a success in all areas of life.

Now, I just want to laugh, because I was measuring my success based on the world's version rather than God's version. What I was aspiring for myself back then dealt with materialism rather spiritualism. Little did I know that by achieving the latter, I  would achieve  the first.

My life now, I would not change for anything. I feel like I've finally am reaching my full potential. There are times that I cannot believe the old life even existed or that I lived it.

Do you know how God has gifted you? What are your primary talents, abilities, and spiritual gifts? What are the roles he has given you?
Pastor Jesse Bradley

I believe that I've finally found that gift within me. Now, it may not be anything grand or spectacular by the world's standard, but God's standard is all that I care about.

Nothing gives me more personal satisfaction then my Ministry, this blog and all of you. I feel so completely whole that I wish I could pass some of this on to someone else. We all need to feel we have a purpose in life and there is nothing more difficult than feeling lost.

I've been lost many times in my life, because we all go through seasons of growth. I've come to realize that my trials are more like lessons for me to learn and when they are done, I've graduated to that next level.

I no longer spend my time planning the rest of my life, I want to live in the here and now. Of course, some kinds of plans have to be made like retirement, housing, vacation etc., but that's the extent of it.

All those future plans? Well, I do know where I'm going with Heaven as my final destination. Isn't that all that matters?

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

Throwback Thursday

I've always been very alert to any new beginnings about to happen in my life. I haven't always been like that, but since my cancer, my antennae works every time.

I always knew there was something new for me to learn during this experience, but I never thought my life would change in this way. A writer? A blogger? A ministry?

 Insane! Someone like me, who would have known. Life is still changing for the better. Can't wait to see what is in store for me.


A Fork In The Road
  I had a very interesting conversation with one of my sister-in-laws . I have no idea how we got on the subject of life and death . I made a comment to her how I felt like I wasn't going back to work . That on my last day there , I felt like I was saying goodbye for the last time . She , of course , asked me if I thought I would die .
   I don't know if I will die . What I meant is that I feel like my purpose here is over . That there is something different ....a new life...a new purpose ....a new beginning .Whether that is here on this earth , I don't know . I just know that life as I know it ,  is over for me . There is a fork in the road .
  She told me that it looked like I made peace with my condition this time . No , I didn't . When I first found out , I burst out crying in front of the doctor . I wasn't expecting to hear anything like that . So what changed ? I don't know . Maybe , this blog . Making fun of it . Writing about  it . Not sure really how or when it happened . But I am at peace .
   I used to worry about my children . We are very close and I have a special relationship with both of them . My death will be very dramatic for them . Somehow , I know they will be okay . Maybe , it will bring them closer . My Joe has his wife , Aubrey . I just need to find a husband for Emily ....

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Wednesday, February 18, 2015

Bless The Lord

Daily Light on the Daily Path
Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, ... who forgiveth all thine iniquities; ... who crowneth thee with loving‑kindness and tender mercies.
 
There is nothing more satisfying than a great spiritual moment during worship. It's not whether we hear a good song or not, it's what we bring to it.

Long time ago, as a young baby Christian, I was like a lot of people out there who based whether or not they had an awesome worship time on the type of band or music that was played.

I  confess there were times where I left church disappointed, because that spiritualism wasn't as great as last week, because the music lacked a certain something.

Well, now I know that something comes from me.

I heard someone make a reference to worship songs the other day: They're not made for us, but for the Lord.

That changed my perspective completely. No longer do I judge the performance or level of pitch. It is up to me to turn up the relationship I have with God.

We take so much for granted as a human race. We  are such Israelites, always complaining, but never praising simply by saying thank you.

I've always considered worship time as an opportunity to show God my love for all He has done for me and my family. I sing my little heart out, not caring how off-key my voice may sound.

That is my favorite part of the service and for a long time I was missing that feeling. I'm glad that I was able to recognize the emptiness for what it really  was and actually be able to rectify it.

Once you acquire that relationship, you never want to let it go. Your soul depends on it. Where is your relationship with God? Are you happy with the intimacy level with Him? Are you looking to turn it up ? Just ask Him into your heart. He'll do the rest.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Tuesday, February 17, 2015

Living With Cancer


I'm living with cancer, not fighting cancer.
Pam, a breast cancer survivor.

I just love that phrase. There is a new documentary coming up on dealing and living with cancer from Ken Burns on the PBS Channel. Please check your local listings for the timed schedules.

Cancer has definitely changed over the last decade or at least, what we believe cancer to be or how it defines us. No longer is cancer whispered about in dark corners, but brought to the table for a lively discussion.

Survivors are no longer placing their lives on hold, but living out their dreams where quality of life is widely promoted. It's all about the living. How could I not love that?

I am so excited about this new documentary from Ken Burns, because I am so tired of us cancer patients portrayed as weak victims in films and books. We are strong individuals trying to live out the remainders of our life as best as we can.

Another reason, because cancer has become prevalent in our culture. Everyone has either a family member or a friend who has cancer. It is so common nowadays. No longer are we hearing about just breast, cervical or colon cancer, but all kinds like ear, ribs, nose etc. It really has invaded all parts of the human body.

I'm all for educating everyone on healthy living, preventive medicine and open communication, especially regarding women's issues. Let's get out of the shadows of our grandmother's and mother's generation and bring to the table a discussion on what is important to us women. If not for ourselves, at least for our daughters and granddaughters.

Have a blessed day everyone.


Monday, February 16, 2015

Monday Delivery

This morning I had the privilege of making a delivery for my Ministry to one of our regular organizations. Even  though we have been in business since 2013, this was my first time by them. The usual delivery person's vehicle has been immobile for awhile, so I asked my niece to help me out.

The drive took a little over an hour each way, but it provided a great opportunity to have a chat with my niece. The one thing I really love is to be able to have a discussion on several topics and she is great at it.

Something else I learned, it was good to get out there and do some one on one with the organizations. It's been awhile since I made any deliveries on my own. I've been so busy with the every day activities of the Ministry and this blog that I haven't had time to get out there.

I've been very fortunate to have volunteers who are willing to do these deliveries for me. They provide a great service by offering their time. I wonder if they realize how much that helps me.

So today I want to take the time to thank them for all they do for me, this ministry and all the benefactors of their hard work. Thank you for all you do.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Sunday, February 15, 2015

Guardian Angels

Only God knows all the kindnesses shown to us during my recovery.
Excerpt from 90 Minutes In Heaven.

Wow, I don't even know where to begin listing all the blessings that were bestowed upon me during one of the worst times of my life. One thing I can say is that people generally want to help others in their time of need, especially family.

I have never felt more loved than during that time. There was nothing that my family wouldn't do for me. Everyone stood up and offered their services to help with my recovery. They simply loved me.

When the cancer returned the second and third time, all that attention weaned down  and I wondered why. I mean, they didn't love me less now than they did before. In certain cases maybe they loved me even more. Yet, the pampering and taking care  of me was different.

At first, I didn't understand why. Then one day, it dawned on me that they didn't change, but I did. They took care of me back then, because I couldn't. They took my load for me and they carried me through those struggles. That second time, I was stronger and by the time the third return, I was more than able and willing to take control of my own illness.

I'm sure that if the time arrived where I was weakened and struggling once again, they would fill those shoes willing. For now, they know that I am strong and they are within earshot.

Have a blessed day everyone.

Saturday, February 14, 2015

A Purpose


Is it possible that God took you to Heaven and brought you back for you to share what happened to you? Don't you realize what a powerful encouragement you can be to others?
Excerpt from 90 Minutes In Heaven.

That's exactly how I feel regarding my life, my cancer and my crocheting. I believe our contributions  here on earth to one another come from our struggles. Imagine all that knowledge we have , why wouldn't we want to share it with others?

I have no problem speaking about my experience with cancer. It doesn't scare me nor do I want to hide  and pretend it never happened. I've learned so much during this time. It has changed me for the better.

Whenever I'm out and about doing my errands or making my appointments, the minute a fellow woman finds out about my cancer, they're full of questions. They want to know about the how, the when and the where.

I'm only happy to oblige. How will we as women learn if we don't ask questions. The ability to share with one another and openly discuss our needs that afflict us all should not be withheld.

The problem, I find, is that we often do the quite opposite. As fellow women, we do not know how to engage one another without feeling the pressure of inadequacy. We are always measuring each other with other women.

Am I a good a mom as this woman?

She's so much more elegant then I'll ever could be.

Am I prettier? Skinnier? Sexier? Smarter?

We compare ourselves to the women we see on a daily basis. If we don't like the look of one, we stay away. We should be the opposite. Women should be able to freely learn from other women. We are our worst enemy. 

 I feel my purpose emerged from my struggles. I want to become an encourager to other women, especially the younger ones.  The last thing I want to do is deflate them  and instead lift them up. How about you?

Have a blessed day everyone.


Thursday, February 12, 2015

Throwback Thursday

Once in a while, I feel whimsical and want to try something different, more airy and fun. Hence, I might give a try to a little fun poetry such as the one below. Happy Thursday, my friends.



Once Upon A Time
 Once upon a time
there was a middle aged woman
all sick and frail
whose biggest fear
was weighing upon the scale
after much wear and tear
upon her body and soul
her heart called out
let's runaway and explore
where shall we go ?
to the country , to the country
let it be so
where the trees grow tall
and wildflowers roam
where there is no wall
built around her soul
she can run around free
drinking her tea
taking naps under a tree
and come Sunday morn
off to Church she goes
singing praise and thanks
to the One
who gave her life
each day once more

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Back and Forth I Go

I had many setbacks of various kinds or developed infections. Back to the hospital I'd go, and some of these trips were life threatening infections. Sometimes I stayed two weeks and other times three.
Excerpt from 90 Minutes In Heaven.


It's been awhile since I revisited one of my favorite books of all time ( 90 Minutes In Heaven ). This book has been so instrumental in the state of my well-being when I went through cancer the first time, that I've decided to revisit and view the book on a different level.

So let's get to it.

My recovery in the first four months, way back in 2007, also was slow with many infections and visits to the hospital. Unlike the author in the book, I wanted to have my recovery in the hospital. The last thing I wanted was to have to take care of myself.

I can distinctly remember my first nurse visit at home. She brought an IV stand along with a box of meds that I had to administer myself via the IV drip. As she demonstrated how to assemble the stand first and then how to care for my own pic line, I literally vomited from the nervousness. I couldn't believe they expected me to do all of that on my own.

When I was sent home with a hole in my belly and instructions to clean it with this huge Q-tip, peroxide and saline, they first had to call in my cancer counselor to help me mentally absorb the enormity of the situation.

These are just a few things, but there were many others I was expected to do myself for my recovery to happen. I wanted no part of it. I was perfectly happy having the professional staff of a hospital take care of me.

Looking back now, I can see why that had to happen. My cancer isn't a one time deal, it is a lifestyle. Learning how to take care of myself and the illness is a priority I needed to learn how to process and succeed in.

No longer could I exist and partake in the denial, I was forced to deal with it and I'm glad. I wouldn't be where I am at now if everyone did all for me.

That alone proves that no matter how scared we may be of something, once we overcome it , that feeling is totally priceless.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

Determination At It's Best


People often ask me where I get my energy and my drive for life. Little do they know it's a daily struggle since I am a huge procrastinator. This morning alone, I literally had to talk myself into getting up since some of the errands I needed to do were unpleasant.

As I lay there, willing myself to get up, my mind produced reason after reason why I should leave it until tomorrow. Procrastination being one of my many nemesis.

It has become one of my new projects this year to stop this procrastination from spreading even more. Right along with no more worrying, but leaving it at the feet of Jesus.

 Now that's a tough order to fulfill.

The thing about me that I know is true? I don't give up trying. If one tactic doesn't work, well, I'll think of something else. Giving up is not part of my character.

Yesterday, I overcame my shame by going to the dentist and starting the process to change the status of my health. I struggle like everyone else and try my very best to push myself daily.

Honestly, I cannot wait until Spring comes and my windows can be opened to let in some fresh air. I'm done with this snow, more like piles of ice. Then I will truly feel energetic and ready to tackle anything sent my way.

For now, it's more like push, push and more push.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Monday, February 9, 2015

A Monday's Shame

This morning I arose very early, my mind in turmoil and stomach all up in knots. Emily and I both had dental appointments with specialists regarding the removal of some teeth. For Emily, it was her wisdom tooth and for me a long awaited  partial.

I was more than afraid, I was ashamed at the status of my oral hygiene. In the past decade, my teeth were the last thing on my mind. We can all place the blame on my cancer and I didn't have the time, but that would be a lie.

The state of my health, both physical and oral, lays at my feet. There is no scapegoat, there is only me. I never been good at looking after myself and I let it all fall apart.

Honestly, this past decade, it has been my shame that has prevented me from moving forward. I tried to hide it by not smiling often, because I didn't want anyone to see my shame.

This morning I thought about that shame, reminding me of the shame we feel as we come before Christ. We cower, we blame others, we hide. We rather give up and retreat before showing that shame to anyone. What would they think? What would they say if they knew?

How can we come before Christ when we can't even forgive ourselves?

People believe, but are too afraid and not willing to face their shame in case they are ridiculed and made to feel like outcasts.

I am ashamed, but I know I have to go and make the change to a healthier life, no matter how low my head may hang.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Sunday, February 8, 2015

The Little Things

I had to laugh out loud when I saw this, it's so totally me. I long for the times of sitting back with a glass of each next to my computer as I punch out words that form my thoughts.

All week long at work, I dream of the weekends where I can get away mentally into the things I love. Going out socializing is not a forte of mine any longer. It's not my apartment I love, but the idea of home.

This morning while listening to the sermon, tiredness overcame me. I haven't been sleeping well due to my left leg. The snow, the dampness and the cold bring on the aches and soreness of arthritis. The end result? Tossing and turning all night. I haven't slept well for days.

So I'm sitting and listening to the sermon and feeling so very tired. All I wanted was to sleep. What was the topic for the sermon? Taking the time for rest once a week which was designed for us by God.

Today, I did just that. I lounged around watching television, a little writing, a little crocheting and even took a nap. Everything else will have to wait, for now, we're basking in God's appointed rest.

Happy Sunday everyone!


Saturday, February 7, 2015

That Is The Question

Should I stay or should I go? That is the question. Have you ever been in a quandary on what to do next with your life?
 
I certainly am in this position now. At the start of the year, Emily and I began our usual fast, but we didn't get very far. We made a mental list of what we were fasting about, but then setbacks occurred. Our fast continued, but maybe not as intensely as we wanted it to be.
 
Or maybe that's why setbacks occurred, because of the intensity of our fast?
 
I know our goal was to focus mainly on God and His purpose for us. Other things happened, whether to take away from our fast or to test our Faith. I like to believe it's a little bit of both.
 
I am a person who worries. I think it goes back to my being a single parent and the responsibility has always been on my shoulders. There was no one else to help with the problems. So I worried and worried.
 
Letting go and leaving it at the altar is something I am working on. My focus shifts on whatever the problem may be and it's hopeful solution. That's not what I intended when I began this fast. I wanted this to be a time set aside only for my Creator. I feel like I have let Him down.

We are Blessed with the ability to start over whether we think we are worthy or not. We are also forgiven and loved no matter how much we fail.

So here we are in a new month, ready to face whatever may come, but we do hope it's all good. Wink. Starting over is a blessing so let's not waste it.

Will we fall? Most likely, but I also know I will rise up to try again. The whole point is not to give up.

As you can tell, this question of what to do next in my life is haunting me, but I think it may be time to lay rest to it. I need to stop pushing the envelope forcing the issue to a conclusion. Remember Sarah and Hagar? The last thing I want is to make a decision at the wrong time. Perhaps, it's time to let it go and see where God places me. I can always count on His decision being the right one!

Have a Blessed day everyone.

 

Friday, February 6, 2015

January Madness


It was William Armstrong who wrote:

Back in the house I moved on leaden feet from chore to chore.

 

January has been a crazy month for both Emily and I. Just thinking about it tires me. From the moment we began our fast, a black cloud hung over us as one set of events fell upon us after another and neither of it was good.

We all have heard the saying," Let your fingers do the walking". Well, mine really have and they were pressing things on the computer that they shouldn't have and I ended up with no computer. What kind of writer has no computer?

At work, it was no different. I've made several mistakes, ended up being called into the office by my supervisor, reprimanded with a write up  which won't be taken off my file for a year. I deserved it.

Emily on the other hand, has had problems with her wisdom tooth. Just get it pulled, right? Not if your waiting on your dental insurance. Talk about red tape! She honestly gave up calling them every day and finally after two whole weeks her card finally arrived in the mail.

In the meantime, my phone suddenly dies. I purchased a new one. Trying to activate it took a whole day and a half as I spoke to customer service in India numerous times. They either had no record of my phone number, or didn't recognize my last four digits of my credit card. Then my birthdate was wrong and so was my zip code. Mind you, I didn't change my carrier, I just changed my phone. Everything went wrong that one could imagine. After all that, they transferred me to technical support which proceeded to find a tower with a signal.

I am not lying, I finally entered The Twilight Zone. My Christian hat lay on the floor when I was done with all of them and satan smiled victoriously. Not my shining moment.

In all my frustration, I decided to do my errands and pick up a gallon of milk. The car didn't start. I calmly went back into the house. Emily's phone rang, it was my carrier. They think my new phone is a factory reject. They will send me a package within two weeks where I can send back my factory reject phone to them. Of course, that will take two weeks, then another 3-5 working days until they process . . . .

I hung up on them.  I called into work, took two days off, and poured a glass of wine. I did nothing, but watch television and crochet, having no intention of coming outdoors until this month ended and February marched in!

After the two days passed, the car started, no problems activating my phone and my computer was fixed.

Have a Blessed day everyone.


Thursday, February 5, 2015

Throwback Thursday

As I re-read this story from 2011, I am struck with how little I read nowadays. My daily reading consists more of e-mails and daily devotionals instead of actually sitting down with a book.

For someone who began reading in her high school years, this saddens me, because I've always been a lover of books. Perhaps, it is the lack of time and the calendar over brimming that has prevented this from happening.

My one solitary bookshelf is filled with all sorts of books I've wanted to read, so when will I actually sit down and do so? I've always imagined myself during retirement doing all the things I've set aside for that moment. I also know myself well enough that even then I will be running around with a full plate.

I love being busy so maybe I should stop pretending that one day I will actually sit still.

Have a Blessed day everyone.




Praise The Lord
     Someone very dear to me , gave me a book four years ago , " 90 Minutes In Heaven ". That book changed my life . No book has ever meant more to me than this one . It dealt with the different changes and emotions we experience as we deal with an illness .
     I remember a certain chapter ,  where the author had a hard time dealing with accepting how his body changed after his recovery . It dealt with his limitations . I feel so naivee whenever I remember my reaction about his feelings on that subject . I just couldn't understand why he was having such a hard time . I believe it took him like three years to accept his new life .  Now , it just makes me smile . It's been almost 5 years for me and I still can't accept my limitations .
    The funny thing is , this time , some other  dear person gave me another book to read . This one is called , " 31 Days Of Praise ". I seem to have a thing for numbers .
      As I started my first chapter , I feel an excitement rushing through me . Let me read you a sentence : " And whether you're a beginner or someone who has long understood the benefits of praise , you'll find that the more you glorify the Lord , the more He will refresh you and deepen your experience of Him ".
     I know it will be a great book and I know it will change my life .

Wednesday, February 4, 2015

Setting Examples


Remember that old saying, " if you want to know what she will look like when she is older, look at her mom".

I've always wanted to be one of those grandmas that actually has a relationship with her grandkids. While some take pride and hope for many grandchildren, all I wanted was at least one. Quantity was not on my mind in the least. That's not to say that I didn't want as many as I could be Blessed with.

I think the biggest compliment we can pay to our ancestors is by taking up and continuing the traditions they began. That could be something as minor as reading a bedtime story a certain way. Or a special snack after a successful event.

We think of traditions as something huge like Thanksgiving and Christmas Dinners, but I'm speaking of something a little more personal. My fondest memories of my grandparents involve such little traditions.

My grandfather always had some sort of candy in a drawer in the parlor just so he could give one to us when we visited. My grandma and I spoke to each other every Monday morning until she moved away back home to Poland. I still can vividly remember grandma teaching me how to churn butter and how she would place her hands behind her back when she walked. I can remember . . . .

My grandfather has long since passed away, but my grandma still living at the age of 95 years, but the traditions still live on, because they meant so much to us, we want the same for the next generation. 

 I can see my son reading a bedtime story, altering his voice for each character the same as I did to him when he was small. The traditions will continue and new ones will be made. A little bit of me will always be left behind in each new generation to come.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Monday, February 2, 2015

A Snowy Monday

The view from my Aunt Zofia's balcony.

As the snow fell into huge piles outside, I was glad that there was no work today. Unfortunately, not many can say the same. As I watched the snowplows come through, I pitied the cars parked out on the streets, some completely snowed in. The snowplows not helping the  situation.

That wasn't the worst, though. When the wailing onslaught of sirens could be heard over and over again, I couldn't help, but say a prayer. For all the pictures that were posted on Facebook of children playing, others were obviously in a fatal crisis.

This past month I struggled with keeping it all together and many times failing miserably in the process. It is so easy for us to get lost in our own problems that we forget that there are others far worse off than us. Another thing I failed in remembering.

There was a time when I couldn't drive past a broken down vehicle without saying a little prayer. The same whenever I heard a siren from an ambulance, fire truck or police car. So when did I stop? When did that person disappear? More importantly, why?
 
Somewhere along this past year, I wrapped myself in myself. My troubles, no matter how small or big, enveloped everything within me. Only I mattered and I forgot about other people's sufferings.
 
So here we are on a Monday again. Isn't it great that we can begin anew each and every single day? What a great opportunity to start over.
 
So let me ask you, how can I pray for you today?
 
Have a Blessed day everyone.



Sunday, February 1, 2015

Staying In


Sometimes, we just want to stay in and chill.

 I have a secret confession to make. Ever since Winter began, I have held a secret wish to stay in snuggled warmly inside my little alcove of an apartment while the snow  falls around us. Not much of that occurred this Winter Season, except for today!

There is something so cozy about a blizzard as long as we aren't in it! Snowfall always looks beautiful from the inside! The children in particular are loving all this snow as snowmen and snow angels are built in a much needed frolicking sessions.

Waking up this morning and looking out my window brought a smile to my face and a little excitement flowed through my veins. Here was that snowstorm I was waiting for and it came on the perfect weekend, too. Monday we are off from work for a shutdown day, so no worries about braving this storm outside on the roads. It couldn't have turned out better.

Even the menu changed from roasted potato wedges and green beans to a good hearty soup with homemade donuts for dessert. Yup! We are settling in for the day, movies and comfort food galore with a good chance of crocheting and an overcast of writing.

Looking out the window now, I can see that others are doing the same. Not a soul out there, only the occasional car can be seem. So settle in, folks, and enjoy the time spent with your families. Happy snowfall day everyone!

Have a blessed day everyone.

Yarn Bombing My Life

                            Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey. Some murmur if their sky is clear, And wholly bright ...