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Showing posts from March, 2015

Day 18

What a morning! Woke up early to a message from our landlord that there will be no water for a couple of hours since a plumper was coming. He sent it last night and I was too tired to check my messages when I came home from work. That's alright, still had time to fill up all my pitchers, jugs, and large pots with water.

Found out last night at work we had a shutdown day for Good Friday with only a small crew coming in. Guess who is part of that small crew? My heart sank as I wanted to have that day off, too. I'm over it now, and looking forward to getting a nice check.

Emily reminded me she was spending her Easter weekend volunteering, so she wasn't going to be here either. Of course, with Good Friday service, Easter Egg Hunt and three services on Sunday, she will be extremely busy.

Friends, this Saturday will be my Mystery Marathon Weekend, so I am unavailable. I plan on locking myself in my room with the coffee machine, a bottle of red wine and a basket of yarn. I'll …

Day 17

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Once in a while, I have a strong desire to post a picture of flowers, especially if they are shown in  a Victorian or Vintage style. Isn't this picture lovely? So serene and calming. I'm just loving the cute little teacups.

It has been a very trying and difficult challenge these past two weeks with no sugar. This may sound silly to you, but I happen to really enjoy those two large mugs of coffee in the morning. Or at least I used to enjoy them.

That small simple pleasure, when taken away, feels gigantic. Isn't it the little things that keep us going? The longer I go into this challenge, the more I want to give in.

This morning, my sugar cop informed me that she wanted to make eclairs. I nearly died. I simply love anything custard filled like flan or puddings. I told her straight out that if she made them, I would definitely fail my challenge.

So what does she do instead? She makes bread. Gotta love my girl, she definitely takes care of me. Bread is not a sweet so I can enjoy …

Day 16

There are 3 types of friendships.
Friends that stay for a reason
Friends that stay for a season
Friends that stay forever.
Holley Gerth.

Today was not a good day. It was one of those days where we want to chuck it all in and lay down in a heap, crying at how our life has turned out. I sat down and wrote a cold story with a dose of blunt reality sprinkled on top, with plans of running away. My plan was to post it when I get home from work. In truth, I believe God stepped in.   As I went about my day, unhappy with everyone and everything, vowing to never speak to people again. I was tired of getting beaten down with life's troubles, especially the work kind. Why, Lord,why? kept echoing inside my head.
A funny thing happened along the way. For the rest of the day, every time I opened my devotion or verse or any scripture on my phone, they all ran along the lines of something like this:
He knows as long as we live in a fallen, broken world we will go through challenges, have hard days and fac…

Day 15

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Never have I wanted to get into my car and run off somewhere far  where I don't know anyone, than I do today. Of course, it is Friday. No surprise there.

I am envious of anyone who works in a Christian environment, literally envious. How nice that must be , to be surrounded by people who are "well behaved". People who don't jump down your throat when  a situation arises. People have no idea on how to act in times of stress. People react with their emotions rather than their heads.

Sometimes, when I'm listening to people go on a rampage, I feel as if I'm speaking to satan. Every word is a bleep, bleep and a bleep. I will be honest! I have said some bleeps in my lifetime, but not Jerry Springer bleeps!

I never want to work in this type of environment again. Hundreds of people from all walks of life are here and I'm tired. Twenty years is too much!

Everyday, I pray for God to provide strength to make it through another work day. Twenty years is a lot to walk awa…

Day 14

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If you are anything like the way I was in the past, you ignore aches and pains that our bodies provide to let us know something isn't so. I have learned the hard way to listen to my body and the signals it sends. Now, I don't mean for you to become a hypochondriac, but I do want you to be aware of any signs that are irregular. By that I mean, go have regular checkups at your family doctor and dentist. If there is anything out of whack, they will provide the necessary biometric screenings or blood work to find out. This applies to women in particular regarding those dreaded pap smears and mammograms. I cannot stress to you the importance of these tests. I am paying for my past lack of this advice. Even now, I'm guilty for postponing a visit to the podiatrists regarding my knee, which I plan on rectifying as soon as possible. Believe me, I am dreading the multiple visits that I know will ensue following my initial visit. There will be x-rays and needles, probably even a few ph…

Day 13

I've been to many funerals and each time I'm amazed it's not me laying there. Cancer can be a good thing and a bad thing. It brings one to their senses.
Thought of the day.

Everyone keeps asking me how I'm feeling or doing, expecting me to fall apart. Quite honestly, I myself, have expected the same. I have good days and bad days. It all depends on the emotions that I'm feeling at that moment. It will simply take time.

It has brought to my attention the thought of funerals. I have let my children know my feelings regarding a funeral. Basically, I have let them full control in what they may want to do.

I have to say, I was very impressed with the funerals of Lora and Linda. Lora was extremely prepared for her death even writing letters to her children and family members. Each funeral was special based on that person's lifestyle.

 I'd love to share with you a poem from Linda's funeral in honor of all our friends who have passed away.

The Cardinal

A cardinal is …

Day 12

If you've been a regular reader on this blog, you know that work has been a challenge for me these past few years. I struggle on a daily basis to maintain a positive outlook. I'm not sure why. Is it because of the current uncertain atmosphere or is it because I have been there 20 years already? I'm forever looking for ways to improve my attitude regarding my job.

I came upon a familiar phrase I've heard and seen many times: God is at work. What if God really was at my work? What would that look like? Would it be visible or hidden? Throughout the day, I searched for signs of God being here.

Almost immediately, I found one. An associate told me of how her prayers were answered in the form of her vehicle being fixed for a mere fraction of the price. Her face radiated happiness among the Monday blues of everyone else.

Also, I was able to find a great parking spot instead of driving around halfway around the facility and then walking. As I parked, I saw another associate thr…

Day 11

Staring out my window watching the snowplows coming through, I thought how easily things can change almost overnight. Only a week ago, I had huge plans for the weekend (like finally doing my taxes) only for everything to come to a complete halt.

We really aren't in control. We want to believe we are and that no one can tell us what to do or when to do it, but that is a lie. I can't even control whether I have a peaceful morning or not.

Life throws unexpected curveballs at us like funerals, emergency appointments and unexpectedly working overtime. As much as we complain, we are very adaptable people, making necessary adjustments to fit our lifestyle.

Did this happen to you this weekend? Were your plans changed at the last minute by life's ever changing sequence of events? Are you feeling tired after what was to be a time of rest?

That is how I feel this morning.

I can understand why Monday's seem so blah. When one is particularly weary, the week may seem extremely l-o-n-g. …

Day 10

It's only day 10, yet it feels like I've been doing this forever.
Feeling for the week.

It's Sunday and I feel  a total release from everything old and hurtful. I feel as if I was starting a brand new day completely fresh with a step in the right direction.

We carry around so much hurt and pain that it becomes excess baggage that gets heavier and heavier with time. You can feel the weight of it pushing you downward where eventually we fall to our knees unable to move in any direction.

I felt like that all of last year.

It was one of the worst obstacles I've had to overcome in a very long time. I've lost friendships, my position and even a work schedule. Everything changed whether I was prepared for it or not. The rug was swept under me and I fell hard.

That alone was difficult for me to muster since I have such a strong defensive resolve and that time it just crumbled as if sand. I guess I wasn't as strong as I thought myself to be.

I struggled to get up, falling o…

Day 9

It began as another normal night after work. I came in, took off my shoes and coat. I looked around for a plate on the stove, but there was none, so I made myself a jelly sandwich.

In the morning, my drill sergeant Emily, informed me that I've cheated. Cheated? How? Jelly is nothing but sugar, just another form of something sweet. Yup, without even realizing what I was doing, I ate sugar.

That depressed me so much. I was so proud of myself for keeping this up and not giving in. I suffered through countless mornings of bad, unsatisfying coffee for nothing!

So what are you going to do now? The sugar police I'm living with wanted to know.

I'm going to admit it here on this blog and continue on. Disappointed. Not in a good mood, but I will move on.

Which brings me to my next point. All last week and this week, I have been a total grouch! Almost bitchy at times. When I began this sugar quest, the last thing I wanted is to name it a " fast" or something similar.

The minute…

Day 8

Death is not an easy subject to talk about, but if you have a chronic illness, it is something that you've frequently visited upon. I know I have. Back in 2011 when my cancer returned after a long spell in remission, I had to deal with the thought of dying. In fact, I was almost positive I was on the road to it pretty soon.

I was angry, threw many pity parties and even planned my own funeral. I began a blog, because I wanted to leave something of myself behind. I went into remission for a few months and the cancer came back again.

Yet, here I am.

We do not know when our time will come. People who have seen me eight years ago thought I was dying then. I've been living with cancer for so long, it has become my friend in a way. One would think I should be able to handle these emotions regarding death.

Yet, it isn't so.

Believe me, both Lora's and Linda's deaths have come as a total shock to me. I don't think we can ever become used to death, no matter how ill we may b…

DAY 7

A job is a job, but once in a while, that job provides something really cool and useful. Every first quarter, we are provided with biometric screening by our workplace, all voluntary and free, if we choose to do so. This has been my third year in participating.

I was very curious to see how my levels were doing ever since I have given up my sugar. I know it has only been a week, but every small effort helps.

I went during my lunch hour and this test took a good chunk of it away, lasting a total of fifteen minutes. They took my weight, my height and pricked my finger to draw some blood.

I knew what the results would be like since basically they haven't changed much in the three years.
Total Cholesterol = 217 = borderline
HDL ( good cholesterol)= 45 = high risk
                      If I was 5 mg higher, I would have been average.
Tri-Glycerides = 130 = normal
LDL ( bad cholesterol ) = 145 = borderline
Glucose = 103 = normal
Blood Pressure = 117/88 = great
BMI = 39.1 = fatso
Weight = 212 =…

Day 6

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Today is a very bittersweet day here. Two of our dear ladies have passed on to Heaven. My friend, Lora Dylong, whose birthday party we just celebrated this past Saturday, passed away last night. My other girlfriend, our very own Linda, passed this morning at 7:15 a.m.

If you have been a regular reader on this blog, you have heard many things regarding Linda. She and I go a long way, right to the first treatment. It is with a heavy heart that I post today. My fellow cancer friends have left for heaven. How do I feel about it? Not very sure. I am in total shock to find that both of them died within a few hours of each other.

Please keep both families in prayer as we both mourn and celebrate their passing. It is a huge comfort to know that both of them have followed Jesus and are with Him now in Heaven.

                                                 Lora Dylong


                                                                    Linda Dunning

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Day 5

What is a smile? Someone once wrote:
“A smile costs nothing, but creates much good. It enriches those who receive it without impoverishing those who give it away. It happens in a flash, but the memory of it can last forever. No one is so rich that he can get along without it. No one is too poor to feel rich when receiving it. It is rest to the weary, daylight to the discouraged, sunshine to the sad and nature’s best anecdote for trouble. Yet it cannot be bought, begged, borrowed or stolen.” Adrian Rodgers

So it's Monday once again, folks! No matter how we are feeling or the kind of weekend we may have had, it's time to buckle up and roll up our sleeves  for work.

This morning I will be on first shift! I have been volunteered to partake in an event where a group of workers from various departments get together and work on a selected area and make necessary improvements.

I do have to admit that this is my first time and normally the rest of the associates look upon the finished &quo…

Day 4

The kind of love that God has for us is the kind of love that can change the world. It’s based on commitments more than feelings. If love were based on feelings, it would not have the power that it does. Love has the power to change everything. That’s the kind of love that God wants us to show the world around us.
Ed Young Devotional

Today was a day filled with all kinds of love. I felt the love in all I did and encountered. The happy kind, the sad kind and the friendly kind.

My day began with my Ministry's general meeting we hold every six months. We usually meet outside of the apartment so all can attend, even the ones that are allergic to cats, especially ours. This time we met at a Dunkin Donuts.

I guess, now you can see my agitated state from last night. Oh, but my friends, it doesn't end there. It will be like that for the remainder as there is a birthday party in the evening.

I hate going out into the world. If I could lock myself in and never venture out, it would be my i…

Day 3

So . . . . as great as yesterday was and ended, today was a mess. I'm not sure why things went downhill. Maybe, because my day was extremely full and my anxiety level went up multiple notches making me very stressed and irritable.

I lost my temper and took it out on Emily, slamming doors in the process. I'm sure this has never happened to any of you moms out there.

I brooded and fussed for the majority of the morning. A headache ensued, mostly because I didn't have my morning coffee. I almost cheated . . . .  a little.

While at Costco, I decided to buy flavored creamer ( French vanilla ) and my mouth literally watered at the prospect of having something so good. I didn't get very far before the spirit of conviction took over.

You see, this is why it's important to get Baptized. I mean, the minute the Holy Spirit enters our soul, we know when we are doing wrong. There's no way around it. That's what happened to me.

I turned around and replaced that delicious …

Day 2

Today went pretty well. I made it through the day with no sugar without any problems. I did weigh myself ( 213 lbs. ) just to see if there will be a reduction in that department upon the end of the 30 days.
I drank my coffee down pretty quickly, because I'm still having difficulty enjoying my cuppa without the sugar. Yuck! Someone suggested that I simply drink black coffee. The taste should be better. Emily seems to think I will grow to love the taste at the end. I, on the other hand, am not so sure. She gave up sugar during her bout with the wisdom teeth and now quite enjoys her tea with no sugar.
Somehow, I don't believe that will happen.
I have to admit, that I keep thinking of items that have sugar like hard candy, ice cream  and even a sweet dessert. I have this urge to taste the sweetness in my mouth. I know it all has to do with my sudden withdrawal and my mind is playing tricks on me.

Otherwise, things are going pretty well as can be expected. This sudden rise in tempera…

Day 1

I woke up this morning fuming, with a huge frown and a scowl on my face, muttering obscenities under my breath. The kitchen needed a wiping down, the coffee to be made and the floor swept. Nothing new here. I do this every morning and yet, today it really bothered me. 

The coffee had to be made twice, the first time grounds seeped somehow through the filter. The prospect of my oatmeal without that sprinkle of sugar on top depressed me somehow. Even my coffee wasn't turning out the way I always enjoyed it. 

Coffee is important to  me. I've spent my life drinking coffee all day long. When I quit smoking years ago, coffee lost it's wonderful taste to me. Yet, when I tried altogether to quit drinking coffee, these headaches ensued and I wasn't strong enough to go cold turkey.

So now, every morning I have two huge mugs of coffee with cream and two teaspoons of sugar. I look forward to those two mugs. I need those two mugs, along with my bowl of oatmeal.

I guess, I woke up grum…

30 Days

Last night upon returning home from work, I sat down to enjoy a snack that  Emily prepared earlier. It was a decadent dessert consisting of a brownie base, with a layer of vanilla ice cream, sliced strawberries, whipped cream and topped with a chocolate ganache. It was simply delicious! All of it homemade!
As I sat there, enjoying this late night snack, I couldn't help, but feel quilty. I knew I would regret this very much so in the morning.
Lately, I have been feeling heavy, tired and winded. My weight has been the same with the occassional flipflop of five pounds going either up or down, but never more. My eating habits have changed drastically over the years by adding a diet of fruit and veggies. The only thing that has remained the same has been my sweets intake. It's very difficult to say no when you have a daughter who bakes on a regular basis. I thought of all the diets I have been on over the years. The same goes for any fasts that I have embarked on. I never chose anyt…

Coffee, Tea Or None Of These

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I I have come to understand a simple truth: Women need other women in their life. It takes a woman to understand a woman and the complexity we share called hormonal emotions. It was Erma Bombeck who said that the way to marital success was for the bride to have many girlfriends. How very true. Girlfriends have a way of uplifting our moods like no one else. I can think of many occasions where a fellow sister came to my rescue, gathering all my shreds of dignity and making me smile through a difficult time. Of course, it can go the other way, too. Women are known to be very catty, but we stay away from those and keep our cards very close to our chest. We're talking about women who encourage other women by just being there. Just yesterday, Emily and I were in Auto Zone being served by a young woman. We laughed, more like giggled, the entire time. During those few moments, we have discovered she is a mom of two who recently needed the same adjustment done on her own car as I did. Plus, …

Delusional Monday

I think I slept Sunday away. Never have I felt more tired and restless, no energy levels at all. I gave in to my bodies needs and slept.

It was that kind of day. I woke up, ate something and went back to lounge in bed, eventually taking a nap again. Isn't that what Sundays are typically like?

The problem is that all that laying around produced a mind that went in overdrive. I thought about everything from A to Z in my life. Things way back from my childhood leading to the "now".

I used to be such a realist and somewhere along the way, I began living in the fantasy world of my mind. Did it make it easier to handle my cancer, perhaps? Was I tired of fighting life all by myself? Was I dissatisfied with my own life and looked to escape into the fantasy world?

It doesn't matter the reason, the fact is, I'm in it already. My mind has been wrapped up in this fantasy life of how I think things will turn out that it cannot happen in the real world.

Well, I'm done with i…

The Confident Woman

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Along with my order of Girl Scout's Cookies, came a pleasant surprise in the mail. For a lover of books, it couldn't get any better. Another book to add to my growing collection!

As I indulged myself in a large glass of milk and a whole box of cookies, I thought of the title itself. Don't we all wish we could consider ourselves as confident women? Yet, few of us have ever felt as such.

I believe no matter how high we reach on the career ladder or personal level, we as women are very tough on ourselves regarding our role. Maybe because we have so many of them?

We are so many things to so many people, that we forget to be something for ourselves. We become lost somewhere along the way as young women and spend our latter years trying to find ourselves or redefine who we are.

I believe that has happened to me. I've wondered for a very long time, why I didn't live out these past eight years sooner? What took me so long to find my purpose? The talents I use now, I've alw…

Finally, Someone Like Me

I like to read during my lunch hour at work. Last night, I came across this article and I just had to share it with you. This is so me that I burst out into a huge smile upon reading it.

Finally, someone understands me. It refers to the " meet and greet" your neighbor at Church. I have always found this to be a very awkward moment for me even in my own  home church of eight years!

For many years, I thought there was a serious issue with me and the ability to be warm and loving during this exchange. I would watch people go up and down aisle, hugging and kissing everyone without any problem. Why couldn't I feel the same way?

Emily would watch me from the Resource Desk and laugh inwardly as I struggled.

"You really looked like you were having a hard time, mom."

Joe would openly laugh and tease me knowing how much I dreaded this encounter.

"You want to come and join the rest of us, mom?"

I am thrilled to pieces to know there are others who feel the same. Don&…

Throwback Thursday

I've had manya pity parties in my time! I'm sure there will be many more. There is nothing wrong with having a good venting session nor a good cry. We all need to wash out our eyes once in a while.

What is wrong is when we fall into a deep depression and have no idea how to get back up. This is where my friend Linda is at right now. She is trying to get herself up and she can't. This is where we come in and pray for her. So please keep Linda in your prayers as she struggles with her own illness.

As for me, I am doing quite well right now, but I know when the time comes, I can count on my many prayer warriors to lift me back up.

Sometimes, it's okay to just cry. Have a Blessed day everyone.



My Pity Party
    My pity party started early in the morning . I woke up wanting nothing more than putting the covers over my head and not coming out . Alas , I had a doctor appointment  and Emily had to go to work ( its their busy season ).
   By the time afternoon came , my pity par…

Oh Starry Night

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I have to admit that this has been one of the best weekends we have had in a long time. What did we do? We rested.

One part of the weekend was spent having friends over and the other relaxing doing absolutely nothing, but lounging on the couch with the remote in hand.

We were resting. . . . . and waiting.

We were waiting for that snow to come that never came. You see, that snow that comes unexpectedly while one is inside, almost looks beautiful. It can come then.

We just don't want the snow while caught right in the middle of it going to work and back or doing everyday errands.

It was the weekend and a perfect time for it to drop. Oh, starry night ,covered with snow. So pretty and peaceful looking while we  would be on the inside lounging on the couch.

Don't we wish we could choose when things happen? Make them happen when things are better suited to our needs? And wants? Wouldn't that be a tiny bit boring?

Don't get me wrong, snow is the last thing I'm looking for, bu…

Giving Thanks

So once again, I'm having car difficulties. Nothing new here.
My first reaction was panic and then worry set in, followed by complaining.

Emily, of course, brought me down to earth quickly. She made me realize what I baby I have been, throwing a fit instead of counting my blessings. Yes, my blessings.

That day I went for a walk in the bitter cold. In truth, I needed change for the laundry. As I walked, I began to look around at all that was before me.

There was the gas station and the grocery store. The fruit market and the bank. The post office on the right and Walgreens to the left. There was the Church, a couple of restaurants and a currency exchange.

All these places right by me. Everything I may need, God placed within walking distance of me. It wouldn't be too difficult if I didn't have a car. It may not be easy at first since we are so used to being driven everywhere, but we would be just fine.

Suddenly, my heart felt lighter and happier. I began thanking Him for every…

Monday's Sunshine

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It is cold out there, folks! I could certainly use some sunshine and flowers in my life. I don't mean any kind of sunshine. I want the sunshine that you can feel upon your face, the warmth of it slowly kissing your freckles.

As I headed out this morning to my dentist for my stitches to be removed, I shivered and shivered with the cold. The car needs a good washing, with the windows blurred from all the dirt of Winter. Not to mention, my fluids needed replenishing.

I'm so tired of this weather already. All that snow from the previous storm has turned to ice and not everyone shovels their sidewalks. For someone old as me, all this climbing over the ice is dangerous and tiresome.

One could wash the car every day and still it will be covered with Winter's filth. Even my cozy apartment no longer feels cozy, but drafty. I have a sneaky feeling my landlord has our heat on a timer.

I am done with this Season.

I want to open up my windows and air my place out. I want to change my cur…

That Perfect Ideal

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Such a beautiful scene above, isn't it? When we picture our perfect world, that's what we see. A pristine scene of white, pure snow evenly distributed throughout the land. Right smack in the middle lays a beautiful red house, boldly standing out among it's surroundings. That house symbolizing a perfect home for a perfect family who are living the perfect life. Who wouldn't be envious of that? I have been working on being grateful for what I have. Contentment the main goal to achieve. It is difficult, isn't it, to make an effort to be content with one's life? One would think we would gladly accept happiness and contentment over strife. Yet, quite the opposite is true. We are never satisfied with the way things are going in our lives. One obstacle becomes solved and suddenly we think of another. My children have a way of bringing me down to earth whenever I do the same. My son Joseph, for instance, reminds me constantly not to measure my level of success with someon…