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Showing posts from 2011

Looking Back

What a beautiful , sunny day it is !!! A warm , sunny New Year's Eve ! Who would have thought it possible . It's ironic that it should be like this . I dreaded this day coming like something awful . The holidays itself  were very melancoly for me .
   I am a person who likes organization and planning . Before cancer , my whole life was planned out . It has been quite an adjustment living by the seat of my pants , not having control . It is what I wanted , isnt't it ? I wanted to trust God completely with my life . Well , there it is . Be careful what you ask for .
  This year , has started out so promising , so full of rainbows that for a minute I thought I was dreaming . This couldn't possibly be my life , right ? Alot of wonderful things happened to me this past year . My son got married and I gained a daughter-in-law and two beautiful grandchildren . I thank God for Marybeth Fisher sharing them with me .
   As great as the beginning was , all the way up to Aug…

Let's Laugh A Little

Hello Everyone ,
                            I have not been feeling well these past few days . Nothing new there . I'm sure I'm sounding like a stuck record . Originally , I was going to write a different story  but considering how bleak these past few days have been , I'ld rather laugh instead . Tomorrow , we can cry together . Today , let's laugh instead to one of my favorite stories ever by the great Andy Rooney. Enjoy !!!


WHY OLDER CHICKS RULE by:Andy Rooney
As I grow in age,I value women who are over 40 most of all.Here are just a few reasons why:A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask,"what are you thinking?"She doesn't care what you think.If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game,she doesn't sit around whining about it.She does something she wants to do.And,it's usually something more interesting.A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is,what she is,what she wants and f…

Words Of Wisdom

First of all , I want to thank everyone for all the kind words of encouragement and prayers that were sent my way yesterday . Yes , it was a very rough day , but I will get through it no matter how defeating I may sound .
  I ' m on my way back to the clinic today for my 24 hr.Neulasta shot for my white blood cell count . I'm trying my very best to stay focused on other things in my life . I have plenty to keep me busy . The problem is that when we don't feel well it affects our energy levels and we do nothing but lay around and think of all the pain . I don't want to do that anymore .
  Last night , I kept myself busy as best as I could . It helped alot . I have all these notes that I've made but never entered into a journal of some sorts . I spent the whole night working on it .
  Re-reading alot of these very personal and revealing  insights into life , I realized just how much of prayering I have done in my life . Alot of these prayers have come true . Ano…

Grumpy Me

It was chemo day today . I have begun to hate chemo day . Don't get me wrong , the nurses and staff are wonderful . It's just me . I'm tired of it all .
   I have to take these steroids for a couple of days before chemo . They give me a reaction . I turn beet red in the face and neck . It will wear off after a week . I swear it also bloats my face and my stomach . This morning ,  I was so bloated I couldn't fasten my pants . When we got there , I looked around and noone else has this problem . The waiting room was filled with normal looking people ........except me . I'm the only one with that darn red face . It is so embarrassing . Then the hot flashes . I was burning up . I felt like my face was on fire .
   I sat  there , taking in my infusion  , bloated sky high . I felt like I would burst  if I didn't burp soon . It's 7:30 pm and I'm still waiting to burp .  Driving home , I could feel that metal taste in my mouth come a whole day early . Lucky …

Emotions , Emotions

Why am I so emotional ? It didn't start now , either , I have been this way from the minute I found out my cancer came back . I asked  my friend Linda ,  why she cries all the time and she doesn't know either . I hate being this way , tearing up at every little thing .
    I cry when I hear a song on the radio . I cry while watching a show or movie . I cry when I think of the past , the present and the future . I cry when people write me or speak to me . I cry in anger , in happiness and in sadness . I cry for no reason at all . I cry when I think about people who find issues with me . When they don't want to hear what I have to say . I cry when people are mean to me for no reason .
   I cry in the car alot . In fact , I do alot of things while driving .I pray out loud . I talk out loud to myself . Yes , I'm nuts . Lately , I find myself crying and thinking alot while trying to go to sleep . The crying has invaded my sleep time . Sleep has been hard . Alot of tossi…

The Great Pretender

Wherever and whoever I meet all tell me the same thing .. . . . . how great I look . They love what I do with my scarves ; they love my positive , upbeat , sarcastic attitude ; they love my honesty . Little do these people know that I'm the great pretender . I only tell people 90 % of what I feel or what I'm going through .
    Four years ago , there was a day where I just felt worn out . Felt like I couldn't handle another day in pain . At that time , one of my girlfriends called me to see how I was feeling . Well , I burst out crying  and ended up telling her exactly how I felt . There are times where all the pain leaves you feeling like you should just die . In fact , you ask God to take you . That was my day back then .
  For the next several hours , I had one phone call after the other from friends cheering me on and telling me how I should stay positive . Only way to beat this thing , Lottie . I found out later that my friend called all our mutual friends abo…

My Family Tree

Since I had ovarian cancer at the age of 42 , my doctor felt it might be genetic and sent me to a doctor that specializes in that field . Sitting down with this young woman , we went over my family tree as far as I could remember . The women in  my family live well into their 90's .. . . . . .except me . I won't live that long .
     There was only one incident  of a  death from a " WOMEN'S PROBLEM "  and that was my grandmother's sister  who died at the age of 48 . No one else . As I listened to her explaining hereditary and genetics being different , I couldn't stop looking at that family tree . From my great aunt Emily to me ,  there is such a huge gap . How did I get so lucky ? How did she get it ?
     Now , they tested me for the BRAC 1 and 2 gene . Since I have ovarian  , I'm also susceptible to breast cancer . My risk has increased greatly more than the average woman . My cancer , or more directly , my results will greatly impact my fa…

A Demon Came For A Visit

A demon came for a visit . I have no idea who invited her . She came the other morning when I woke up . . . .uninvited . She charged around my apartment mumbling @#$%^$#@!@$%% spilling coffee on her way out the door . Yes ! She went public . She blew her horn alot and splewed more  !@#$%^&^@#@# out the window .
   Emily looked on this demon with a narrowing of her eyes . She knows all about demons . She becomes one at least once a month .
   Wearing her Christmas red and green plaid pajama pants , she stopped for gas  and the car just died . Well , the mother of all demons came out then . It was like a scene from A Christmas Story with Ralphie's dad trying to fix the furnace . After much kicking and pulling on wires under the hood , the lights came on and off she went to spread her kind of joy  around .
    Back home again , slamming the door , of course . Looks in the mirror ....grrrr....you don't want to mess with this demon today . Plops on the bed and takes a nap…

UPDATE

I've been out of commission for a couple of days very sick . IT started one night with vomiting and the shivers . I was so cold . I'm very familiar with these symptoms since I had this alot the last time (5 to be exact ) . It's an infection . I was on the brink of one and the only thing missing was a temperature .
     I'm not sure if I caught something from someone or if it was part of my treatment side effect .I'm still not 100 % recovered . Right now I'm existing on bread , cabbage soup ,crackers , rice and tea . These foods seem to calm my stomache .
     I do know I had to take a step back and analyze my situation . With my 4th round of chemo approaching next week , my worries fastened on maybe not being able to pass my white blood cell count and having to postpone the treatment .I definitely have to limit my exposure to people even more . The farther we get into the treatment the more difficult it is . Your body becomes weaker and weaker .
   I hav…

A Broken Record

A broken record means repeating something over and over again to the brink of insanity . What have I repeated ? I don't feel good . That has become my fave line . I have said it so often that I have grown to dislike that line .
    I've noticed that my daughter even added this line to her dialogue . Right after I start saying it  , she intervenes with her own list of medically inclined illnesses . She doesn't feel good , either .
    I guess , my car also doesn 't  feel good . Eversince  I  announced in September that my cancer returned , my car started breaking down . Not even two weeks go by without some sort of breakdown . Yesterday , the wheel started shaking while driving . Of course . The car doesn't feel good .
  This morning , Diamond pranced over to Emily and started meowing . I"m sure it was about an ailment of some sort she was feeling . Why not ? I've created a broken record for this household to uphold .
  Need to post a warning sign …

A Basket Of Yarn

A basket of yarn and a dream begins..........

  Not too long ago , I wrote in this very blog about a dream I wanted to fulfill involving booties for St. Jude . This past weekend , I was presented with a basket of beautiful yarn to make that dream happen . it didn't take long for a crocheting frenzy to begin . That's what I've been on.....a crocheting frenzy .
  Folks , something happened inside me when I saw that basket . A renewed hope has given birth . Whatever happens in my life , I will make that dream come true . If any of you would like to join me on this quest .....that would be great . I want to knit or crochet children's booties or slip on socks for the St. Judes Hospital.
  Let's give ourselves a deadline . What time frame do you think it should be ? Six months ? A year ? How long ? How many do you think we can make if all of us participate ? Maybe , you don't know how to knit or crochet but would like to help .......donate some yarn instead . Get …

Let Me Pick Your Brain

Let me pick your brain , please . I have been experiencing alot of side effects to my chemo and I have been handling it okay . Now that I'm right in the middle of my treatment , I have found the duration of the side effects to have lengthen . There are two of them , in particular , that I'm having a little problem with . .......my nausea and the taste of metal in my mouth .
  I am looking to all of you for a suggestion as to how best combat these side effects . Crackers aren't doing it as well any longer . If anyone has any suggestions , I'm very open to try anything at this point .

Revisiting The Past

Driving through my old neighborhood the other day , I decided to take a spin past where I used to live . Driving around the back and front of the house , I kept searching for any signs of my old life . To my dismay I couldn't find any .
       Instead , I saw only the garage that needed repair and the window that had a crack . I saw the garden filled with weeds , all drab and unkept . The curtains weren't as pretty as the ones we used to have .
       It was the same old house , yet nothing  like I remembered it . Driving away , I thought to myself , why did I come back here for ? What did I hope to find ? Obviously , whatever I was looking for was no longer there . You really can't go back .
       Driving home , I thought back to my earlier days with this blog . I remembered the disappointment I felt but was afraid to mention out loud . I don't feel like that anymore . Whatever I felt then stays in the past because I'm a  different person now . That drab h…

Acceptance

The morning sun streams across my bedroom filling it with a warmth that is a lie . It's freezing outside . Winter is coming . As sick as I have been feeling , my mood is pretty bright as the sun outside . I feel different this week . Acceptance is settling in . No more anger or disappointment at having to relive cancer again . It has become a way of life for me and it's time for me to make peace with it .
    My priorities in life have changed once more . All I want now is to live a peaceful life . I want to live a certain way . Carefree and worry free that ' s the new  me . I want to run away to the country more than ever .
    For the first time in a very long time I feel thankful . There are no regrets any longer . I needed to go through life to be where I'm at now . I definitely wouldn't have been the same person unless I experienced every miserable moment . We don't want to think about the bad times but it's the bad times that define us . Make us…

What's In A Name

A transformation has taken place in my life this week . That last chemo where I didn't want to go , really changed me . On my first journey , I realized how many people  truly loved me . This time , I'm learning to love myself . Just think of all the compliments we get and don't take them at face value . We are shown how much we are appreciated or loved  but somehow we just don't believe that it's  true . People are just being nice . That's what we tell ourselves .
  How we see ourselves is so different to how others see us . Emily and I play this game where we name the characters in a particular movie we are watching with real people in our lives . We have fun with it and we end up enjoying the movie more . We have done the same thing with the people in our apartment building . We gave them nicknames based on how we perceive them to be . We have an Easy Ryan , Smokin Steve , Drama Man , Baby Mamma , Big Bird and the Newlyweds . Just by the names you can t…

I'm Sexy And I Know It

While at Chemo the other day , I met a woman my age going through breast cancer . We shared the same room . Believe me , I wasn't happy . All I wanted that day was to be left alone crocheting and doing my puzzles . This woman would not stop chattering away with me .
  I sat there and listened to her telling me how having cancer isn't as bad as people make it out to be . Her life hardly changed at all . Her husband and three teenage daughters were doing just great . She works fulltime and has absolutely no side effects from the chemo . She has no hair but doesn't understand what the big deal is about being bald . It doesn't bother her at all . Everything is just fine .
   I looked at her with awe . My face red beet in color from the steroids . My  chest all red from the stinking tape that covers my infusion needle . God Bless her , I thought , because she is where I was at 4 years ago ......in denial . When it finally hits her , she will be devastated at how much her …

All Of Me

I can't even begin to tell you how much I dreaded going to chemo this morning .  There was total silence in the car . For once Emily sat quiet . Sanctus Real came on the radio singing "All Of Me " and I cried the rest of the way . I have no idea why . I have no jokes for you today .

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away

And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I'd trade the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you

You're gonna have all of me
You're g…

A Hoarders Life It Is

Remember those boxes in my bedroom that I shuffled from corner to corner ? Well , they are unpacked . In their place are plastic storage boxes that I organized all these things in . My bedroom is the only room in the apartment that is always full of stuff . I'll clean it up and in a day or two , something else will take their place . All the other rooms are  organized neatly , except my bedroom .
  It's very symbolic , reflecting my personal life . By nature I am a very frugal person and I do not believe in waste . I reuse and recycle . My room is full of stuff that I don't need but will not get rid of . I am a hoarder .
  Here I am on the eve of my chemo staying up all night (03:24 am ) going through this stuff . In a few hours , I will have my third chemo .It's a halfway point .I'm halfway there . I'm almost done . Trepidation and anxiety take over because I'm not ready . I'm not where I should be by now . I'm still surrounded by a mess .
  W…

Wanted - Ooomph!

I was up and out early this morning ,  anxious to get my checklist done . After making sure I had plenty of crackers , miralax and anti-diarrhea medicine ......I headed home looking forward to a hot bath and some tea with lemon .
  Walked in to find my little bitty kitty went after all my ornaments , DVD player laying  on the floor and the lamp was overturned . Bless her heart she was nowhere to be found . As I  was cleaning up this surprise that was left for me , I noticed out of the corner of my eye something furry ran past.......very quickly ! Feeling disappointed that I can't thank her properly , I walk into the kitchen . Her face is the size of a child's palm yet the way she eats makes one think she is an ogre !! Cat food all over my floor .
  You think I would be mad , but I feel nothing . Not even a smile . I've lost my oomph ! At first , I was worried that maybe I'm slipping into a depression but I quickly realized its not sadness I've been feeling  . I…

Checklist

On Sunday , I usually run into my friend Linda . We compare notes on the different chemo treatments , side effects we are experiencing and any test results we are waiting on . It's good to know another cancer patient to share this road with . In my church  , there are three of us  going through cancer .
   I was very surprised to find we both have the same routine . We have a checklist we go through before our chemo . We already know what kind of side effects we will experience and how long they will last . We prepare ourselves for those days when we will be out of action .
  I get chemo every three weeks . My side effects usually last 2 weeks and then I get a week break before the next treatment . Being sick and out of commission makes life a little hard . My checklist includes doing groceries , paying any bills , getting all  my medications , doing laundry etc . We also buy whatever we need for our side effects . One of my big ones happens to be nausea .I 'll stock up on…

The Greatest Gift

I can see His compassion and tenderness toward needy people . His intense love for His followers .
                                                                                                        31 Days Of Praise (pg.43)
        After reading that Quote , I immediately thought of a young couple ( both 16 ) that found out they were expecting  a child . This was on an episode of  " 16 And Pregnant ". Never really watched this program before but that morning there was a marathon of episode after episode on .  There was I , glued to the set , disgusted with the young men leaving .
      Finally , this couple comes on . Both look younger than their 16 age . They decided to give their child up for adoption to a Christian couple . They knew they were not ready to be parents . The tears they cried when their daughter was born were heart wrenching . The tears the adoptive parents cried when they held their Carolyn were heartwarming . I was a total mess for those  30 minute…

My Pity Party

My pity party started early in the morning . I woke up wanting nothing more than putting the covers over my head and not coming out . Alas , I had a doctor appointment  and Emily had to go to work ( its their busy season ).
   By the time afternoon came , my pity party turned into a bad attitude . Nothing worked today and I didn't care . At the doctors , I was there like two hours and most of that time I was kept waiting . Why ? Why do they keep us waiting as long as they do ? Seriously !
   I got on the scale and I gained weight . But of course ! What else would it say ?! That I lost weight ? End up buying some lounge pants and can't even get my behind into them !
  I just want to climb into my car and drive somewhere far , far away !
" My refuge and my fortress , my God , in whom I trust ".
                                                                             Psalm 91: 2
  After I read that first chapter of my book , I couldn't stop thinking . My whole life flashed before me . I can remember when I was a young mom . I had such strong views  on where I thought I would be twenty years down the road . I knew what I wanted and I was ready to wait to get it . I viewed my future life through rose colored glasses .
  Back then , I loved the city and everything it stood for . Now , I can't wait to get away from it .When I look back , I can't believe how much I have changed since that young mom . I want none of those same things that I patiently waited for all of my young life .
   In all these changes , my faith , My God , has always been there . I may have been angry with Him , disappointed but it didn't matter ....He was there . That never changed . What did change is that my relations…

Praise The Lord

Someone very dear to me , gave me a book four years ago , " 90 Minutes In Heaven ". That book changed my life . No book has ever meant more to me than this one . It dealt with the different changes and emotions we experience as we deal with an illness .
     I remember a certain chapter ,  where the author had a hard time dealing with accepting how his body changed after his recovery . It dealt with his limitations . I feel so naivee whenever I remember my reaction about his feelings on that subject . I just couldn't understand why he was having such a hard time . I believe it took him like three years to accept his new life .  Now , it just makes me smile . It's been almost 5 years for me and I still can't accept my limitations .
    The funny thing is , this time , some other  dear person gave me another book to read . This one is called , " 31 Days Of Praise ". I seem to have a thing for numbers .
      As I started my first chapter , I feel a…

Once Upon A Time

Once upon a time
there was a middle aged woman
all sick and frail
whose biggest fear
was weighing upon the scale
after much wear and tear
upon her body and soul
her heart called out
let's runaway and explore
where shall we go ?
to the country , to the country
let it be so
where the trees grow tall
and wildflowers roam
where there is no wall
built around her soul
she can run around free
drinking her tea
taking naps under a tree
and come Sunday morn
off to Church she goes
singing praise and thanks
to the One
who gave her life
each day once more

A Fork In The Road

I had a very interesting conversation with one of my sister-in-laws . I have no idea how we got on the subject of life and death . I made a comment to her how I felt like I wasn't going back to work . That on my last day there , I felt like I was saying goodbye for the last time . She , of course , asked me if I thought I would die .
   I don't know if I will die . What I meant is that I feel like my purpose here is over . That there is something different ....a new life...a new purpose ....a new beginning .Whether that is here on this earth , I don't know . I just know that life as I know it ,  is over for me . There is a fork in the road .
  She told me that it looked like I made peace with my condition this time . No , I didn't . When I first found out , I burst out crying in front of the doctor . I wasn't expecting to hear anything like that . So what changed ? I don't know . Maybe , this blog . Making fun of it . Writing about  it . Not sure really how …
I'm almost ashamed to admit ........but.....I really miss my hair .
   With all the struggles I dealt with in these 4 yrs.  concerning my appearance , I really loved my hair . Over the years , our hair goes through so much damage with all the blow drying , curling irons , frostings , dying , etc. My hair was baby new . It came back thick , wavy and baby fine ! I loved it .Even the color was fantastic . People thought I dyed my hair and wanted to know  the color . I felt beautiful .
   Yesterday , as I was getting ready for our Thanksgiving Dinner , I missed all that fussing we women do with our hair . I was ready  in like 10 minutes . I wear my scarves in different , fashionable ways so I don't feel unattractive ......so I don't look so much of a cancer patient .
   We are such vain people . I never considered myself a vain person but I am one . I learned  something about myself . I care alot about my appearance . I may not look like I care , but I really do . Believe…

Has Anyone Seen My Identity ?

These past few days have been quite nice . Even though , some of my blogs might have seemed to be a little " depressing ", it still has been nice to have some quiet time to think . To reflect and regroup . You can find out alot about yourself .
   Years  ago , I would clean out my closets and drawers whenever I felt overwhelmed with life . It felt like I was cleaning up  and organizing my life . Well , it doesn't work this time . One of the reasons why I feel so disappointed in my cancer returning is because I'm afraid of losing my identity .
   These past 4 years have not been easy for me . While everyone was extremely happy my cancer was in remission , I on the other hand , struggled emotionally with the aftermath of cancer . The person I saw in the mirror didn't resemble anyone I knew . The person on the inside definitely didn't match either . It really was a struggle to adjust to living .
    People were like , you can live your life now , but how ca…

Dying

Dying
             ( Cease to be alive . Cease to exist or function . Fade away .)
    What a funny definition of death . We stop existing , functioning and we fade away . Poof ! Like we never been here . It makes it sound like we disappear and all our existence is erased .
    As you can see , I have been thinking alot about death . Not in a morbid sort of way .I've been thinking of the different aspects of death . We use that word to mean so many different things. We are dying for a piece of chocolate . Our relationship is dying . My body is dying . I'm dying spiritually inside .
   There are so many ways to die. We can die quickly , painfully , long suffering illnesses  and self -induced ways . We all hope of dying in our sleep . We're cowards like that . I've always been in awe of people who take their own life . I'm too scared of God and His wrath to do that . But honestly , I'm also scared of messing it up and then I might end up in a wheelchair or…

More God Moments

These God Moments seemed to touch a chord in people . I open my e-mail and its full of inspirational stories and songs . Even at the Wedding on Sunday , I was given inspirational stories that were found in a magazine . Obviously , people want to HOPE . So once again .....more God Moments.


MONTCLARE
I have have a bad week and decided to lean on the Lord and youtube for Hope. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Y1wtgLAytA&feature=related I found myself playing this one again and again. This may not be what you had in mind, but this is how I dealt with my pain and found relief. Hallelujah Jesus saves MELROSE PARK In 2005 Nite Life Cafe was New Life Melrose saturday nite service. Being a single mom I was there anxious, fretting over the troubles that the next week would bring. While there.....I shook someones hand - there was a Twenty in it. A friend showed up with some clothes for me - (we had been trying to meet up for months)  Another friend went fishing, and shared what she caught, wit…

Dark Shadows All Around Me

My mood is a dark one . I feel that something has been chasing me ....a dark shadow ...something I can't quite pinpoint . It keeps following me around , taunting me , playing elusive games with me . Just when I think I can turn around fast enough to see what is behind me......I find IT is faster than me .
   Eversince , this past chemo , I've been feeling this dread . Never ,  have I ever felt so bad after a treatment like now . I feel sick and exhausted......WEAK . I feel weak . I put on a big front , but honestly , I hate this . I'm tired of this road .
   Someone at the wedding yesterday , another cancer survivor , made a remark how he is waiting for the cancer to return , because it will come . Maybe , this dark shadow , is that cancer . I will not be able to kill it , only subdue it . It will always be lurking in the shadows waiting to jump me . To overtake me . It's like living a life on the run . Who wants to live like  that ?
   Somehow I have to make fri…

Nostalgic

Back in March , my son got married and started a chain of events that propelled our family on the road of re-discovery of each other . From that point on , the family had a full agenda of marriage proposals , wedding showers  and weddings . My time was spent traveling from Michigan to Indiana to Wisconsin and Springfield . We, as a  family ,  have never had such a whirlwind of events .
  My son started it and my niece ended it . Today is her Wedding Day . I know that it will be a while before another year like this one .
  I was up all night , tossing and turning , thinking of my life . It is always so much harder when the girl gets married . It takes a girl to understand a girl . I thought of all the couples that got married this year . The new life they have started as a couple...as a family . I thought of how my family enjoyed themselves at each Wedding . How much closer we have become . How I didn't want the closeness to end .
  I thought how happy they all looked on thei…

God Moments

Well , everyone , here are some God Moments . I hope you find them inspirational as much as I did .

Random Lake , Wisconsin
I had all 4 of my children in our old station wagon.    We were going to the library in Random Lake.   We had to cross a two lane, busy, highway.   I stopped at the proper place and then proceeded to cross the highway.   However, the car quit right there in the middle of the road.   I tried and tried to get it started.  It just clicked and clicked, but didn't fire up.   I looked to my right and saw a car coming in that same lane.   I tried again and still the car wouldn't start.   I just breathed a prayer "God help us".  When I looked again there was a policeman and he had poistioned himself in the right lane and turned on his emergency lights and that car stopped.  
The officer came to us and asked what was the matter.   By then I was crying and told him I just couldn't get the car started.   He just told me to take the car home and have …

My Top Ten List

Since this is my second bout with cancer ,  I have discovered that I have a routine , a repetition of  things that I only do when I have cancer . This just came to me yesterday in the waiting room . Funny , the things we think about when we have time . Here is my top ten list of things I only do when I have cancer.

10. I found that I have great patience when I have cancer . I can sit in the doctor's waiting room without a complaint . I also found that as soon as the cancer goes in remission , so does my patience .
9. I have also found that I can out burp , out belch and pass gas better than any sailor out there . Come on  , challenge me !
8. Another great accomplishment ....I can crochet like a mad woman !!! I can whip out blankets faster than a rabbit can have babies !
7. I also have found that I have a whole collection of books , journals and puzzles of every kind you can imagine that I only take out during cancer and doctor visits . Seriously .
6. I have found that I do not…

I Have A Request

Whatever my plans for the blog were today, they  will have to go on hold . I have other pressing issues to bring up . I received a phone call this evening that certainly was a " God Moment ". I could not get this event out of my head . It made me realize something very important .
    People  tell me how positive I am during this journey of mine , but this is a lie . This is a facade , but that's another story .....another time . It did alter how I felt . It uplifted my spirits . Here I was laying down after just coming home from my chemo and I was dead tired . I mean my body actually felt like dead weight . I just hit the bed and didn ' t move . The whole time I'm thinking how in the world am I going to perform all my duties for the next two weeks . This chemo took everything out of me .
   This " God Moment " changed all that . Then I started remembering the many " God Moments " in my life  and how they re-affirmed my faith . I thought …

Uncharted Waters

It's Monday and a scary week for me . Tomorrow ,  I'm starting a different chemo and I'm a little worried about the side effects it will have . Not to mention " my other problems " that keep resurfacing over and over again . Even my car is starting to act up again . It all is coming to a head this week .
   So since it is Monday , I want to change the whole attitude of this week and approach it in a light-hearted , funny way . Here is a story I wrote about a day Emily and I experienced at Schiller Woods . Hope this puts a smile on your face as you start your week .............


Hello everyone!
                      Today, Emily did the unbelievable!She took her cat Diamond to the woods for an adventure and for some exercise.Yes,it sounds unbelievable but it really happened.
                    The only way I can explain how the process went getting Diamond from the house into the car is just think of trying to give a cat a bath.Lets just say that my daugther w…

Great Expectations

We all have such great expectations of what will happen in our lives . We plan and organize so everything will turn out the way we want it to . Sometimes we just dream and fantasize of how we want our lives to turn out .
     The first time I found out I had cancer , I wasn't  as traumatized as people think . I thought to myself that I'll go in and have the surgery . Then afterwards , have the chemo and go back to work . Clean cut and simple ...in and out . That's how I handled life back then . Make a list , do the list and move on to the next list . That's not quite what happened . I was naive .
     This time around , I ran around preparing all the details because I am a pro at this , right ? I knew what to expect or at least I kept telling myself that . When treatment time would come , I planned on staying home recooperating . I would do all those things I set aside for later . I would keep away from people because I didn't want to get sick . Germ free. I w…

Word Of God Speak

I should have titled my blog  "Traffic ". I sure spent alot of time in it today . So restless in the car with my mind drifting  in reflection . Thinking of my life and all the things I should have done but didn't . The things I did and shouldn't have . The  mistakes I have made . We always remember the mistakes first . All the warning signs that were there but I ignored . That feeling we get that something doesn't feel right . Why don't we heed it ?
   I thought of this program I watched a very long time ago . Where a group of women would come live together , as therapist worked with them on their many issues . There was this one woman there . I won't forget her . Her therapist gave her all these bags.....she called it her " excess baggage " and wherever she went she had to carry all her baggage with her .
   I watched her lug all this baggage into the bathroom , as she was cooking , on the couch with her , on the bus etc . One day , the who…

I'm Falling Off The Wagon

Discouragement hangs over me like a black cloud  creeping closer and closer . I'm falling off the wagon today . Spent the morning reading old notes from Sundays Past . Message after message trying to encourage my discouraging heart . Everything lies in His hands . You think I would be upset with my illness but instead I'm upset with the paperwork . Who has time to worry about that when I have all this red tape to untangle .
  One of my favorite verses in the Bible says ," Be still and know that I am God ". There is nothing more that I can do . A quiet day , today , spent reading my devotionals . Here is a poem I found....

GOD'S PLAN by:Kathleen Lyons
 as I travel on my journey
living life from day to day
I see the joy in GOD'S plan
and give thanks when I pray
but when the road gets rough
and my troubles seem to stay
I forget that GOD has a plan
and I search for my own way
I try to chart my own course
never knowing which way to turn
all the time I waste on…

Life Goes On

There is a stretch of road that I take on my way home from my brothers house . It's simply beautiful during the Fall . All the greens , browns , reds  and orange tones are in full display in these woods . Once again , I'm amazed at God's beauty .
     The road is long and winding , surrounded by the woods . The seasons will change no matter what happens in my life . The leaves will keep falling and the snow will come . Once again , in the spring , everything will come back to life . Life goes on.
    I feel lifeless but very calm  as I drive through this beauty . I've had another draining morning  dealing with "paperwork" and " reps" . I'm tired and exhausted of dealing with these people .
    You call your benefits rep and he tells you they faxed a document over to your doctor . You call the doctor and he never got the document . You call them back requesting the same darn thing you asked for three days ago . .....PING PONG...PING PONG ..…

A Junkie In Recovery

This past Sunday , my friend Linda comes running up to me in Sunday School . Her face is simply beaming ! Just beaming ! She just had tests done and her cancer on her ribs and under her armpit is gone . The cancer in her neck has spread even more....but ....she's not upset . That doesn't even matter right now . All that does matter is that the cancer is gone from the other two spots .
    She already knew that . You see , from the very beginning she knew that she would be healed by God . Even though it looked so very bad , she knew . She believed .
    Such  a simple word believe . Just heard Joyce Meyer's preach on that very subject . She held up in her hands a wooden sign spelling believe . It sits upon her desk and whenever she doubts herself or feels down , she looks up and sees that word......BELIEVE . Just believe .
    Another friend of mine says it best . Breathe in . Breathe out . Move on . I'm envious of these two . They're at a level that I'm …

Turning The Negative Into Positive

So far , today , has been very trying . Just when I thought all the paperwork has been taken care of....BAM.....it's not . There is so much red tape , who can keep track of all this ? It shouldn't be like this ! You shouldn't be swimming in red tape ! A person should be concentrating on healing ! UGGGH!
     This is all my fault . My inability to deal with issues . I know this is God's  way of having me face and deal with it . Learning to trust HIM . Learning to leave all my  troubles with HIM . I read once that when we ask God to teach us a particular " thing " we also need to ask him for mercy  as we go through it . Teach me  trust , Lord , but show me mercy first !
     As bad as today has started out , I really am trying to stay positive . I keep telling myself that the latest snag is just a minor delay . Trust , Lottie , trust . With a renewed hope in my heart , I went on Facebook .
      Now , I have to admit that it took alot of persuading from …

Trust , Trust ..... Where Art Thou?

This being my second time around , I find people asking me primarily the same question . ......Is it the same ? Is it the same chemo type ? Are you feeling the same ? Are you having the same side effects ? etc, etc, etc . It's basically the same question . How is it like now ?
    There are more differences than similiarities . I'm not even sure if there are any similiarities other then the fact that I have the same cancer . Before , I dealt with my spiritual side . The part that was missing.....lacking in my life . Now it seems I'm dealing with my personality......my character.....the type of person I am . Or want to become .
    I have been walking around doing all the right things : going to church , bible study , volunteering , trying to behave in Christ-like way . I have seen a change in me and others have too. I haven't really gotten where I want to be . In fact , I have found I have alot of flaws in me . It seems I have been working on the big things but th…

Blanket Therapy

One of my vices in the early days of my cancer was crocheting . When you spend alot of time in the hospital you develop their schedule . You end up sleeping in  short naps through out the day . When you go home the schedule stays with you for awhile . Its very hard to shake it off . You're awake at all odd hours .
    I started crocheting making blankets .Called it my cancer therapy . At that time it was very close to Thanksgiving . I decided to make a blanket for everyone in the family for Christmas . I wanted everyone in my family to have something of mine to look  and remember me  by . From Thanksgiving to Christmas , I made 11 blankets . It kept me occupied during my healing process . I also played alot of computer games .
     Well , my blanket therapy expanded to friends , baby showers and donations to charities like Mary's Room . Funny enough , people started giving me yarn to make blankets for others . One goal for this Christmas  is to donate to a Nursing Home . …

Mirror , Mirror On The Wall

One of my hardest struggles didn't really come from the actual treatments of my cancer . They came from dealing with the aftermath of having cancer . There is nothing worse than going through a major struggle in your life and you defeat it expecting your life to go back to normal ......and it doesn't .
   Instead, you look in the mirror and see a stranger . Here I have had 4 children and always been thin . This cancer I have gained 80 lbs. My hair was different color and texture . Then there is the different person you are on the inside .
    This was a  major challenge for me . This is another reason why I am so upset this time around . I was just getting used to the " new " me and now I have to erase the slate and start all over . I have gained  7 lbs already. I don't want to go thru that all over again . I don't want to rediscover myself .
   Now I know what you all are thinking and I certainly don't want any emails about how my appearance doesn…

Today.......

Today the weather is pure FALL!!!! It's raining and howling wind outside . Both Emily and I have been sick with a cold for a full week and there's no relief in sight . Doesn't look good for my chemo on Monday .......it might be cancelled .
   Words are not needed on a day like this . Today is perfect for a hot , homemade bowl of soup and a slice of fresh bread . Snuggle on a couch with a blankie and hot tea with lemon and honey . Words are not needed . Today we should spend time with our loved ones just being quiet . The month of THANKFULLNESS is here .
  Let me share a poem with you that reminded me of HIM when I looked outside today.


GOD'S PRESENCE WITHIN by:Regina Wiencek  have you looked for God when the
tempest broke
have you seen him in the lightening
stroke
have you heard his voice in the
thunder roar
or in proud waves that break on the shore
have you watched him in the sunset glow
has he left his footprints in the fresh fallen snow
does he live in temples hew…

Hair Today , Gone Tomorrow

I do not like talking on the phone . Especially , if it involves speaking to sales people or handling a problem  like insurance ......can't stand it . The minute I find out I have to call someone to fix a problem , I immediately look for someone to handle it for me. Otherwise folks , I'm walking away from it . Who needs cable ? I've been like this all of my life . Feel the same way with confrontations . If I don't feel like dealing with certain things , I put them aside . Digging deep is hard .
  When my son moved out to Missouri , I called him one time to order pizza for me and I live in Chicago ! Thats how bad I have it.
   Since my last blog , I spoke with my son and he did an interview with me for his radio program . I kept thinking about those questions he asked me all night . Couldn't sleep . Kept going over the entire interview in my head . Something very important came out during that interview . I had no idea I felt like that .
  In a way , I feel like …

Losing Your Identity

My hair has been falling out . It's not a pretty sight . Everyday it gets worse . I don't think people realize what the process looks like when your hair starts shedding . Think of a chemical waste movie where the infected person 's hair is falling off in chunks . Globs....chunks. Yuck .
    It starts off with just some hair whenever you brush . Then a handful everytime you touch your hair. After that, you shed on your shoulders , pillow , bathtub . You don't even have to touch it .  Everyday it gets worse and worse . So I made the decision to shave it already .
   Four years ago , I shaved my head immediately when it started to fall out . This time , I have waited alot longer . I mention this to someone and their response really ticked me off . This upset me so much I felt I needed to write about it . They wanted me to wait . " I mean , Lottie, its not that bad . "
   Really ? Really ? How would you know . That's like telling someone that has breast…

Leaving Something Behind

A couple years back , I went to a funeral of a woman that wasn't exactly " nice " for  want of a better word . In fact , she was very difficult , negative , never had a good word to say about anyone . It was very hard to be with her and everyone would avoid her as much as they could . People made excuses for her because of her many illnesses .
     As I sat at her funeral , I could not think of one happy moment that I spent with this woman and it shocked me . Why not ? Because she was miserable and made sure everyone around  her was made miserable too . My last memory of her involved her complaining about a baby crying .That's all I could think about sitting in the pew .
     I don't want anyone to ever feel like that about me . If there is one thing I want to leave behind .......its happy memories . What better way of honoring someone then with memories .I want for people to sit around and bring up things we have done together when I'm gone . I want a …

The Missing Link

As a Sunday School Teacher , my Sundays are usually spent downstairs in the Childrens Ministry. I love what I do . There is one thing I miss and that is the worship part of the service. That 's what  is missing from my " church on " during the week . I can listen to K-LOVE all day and its still not the same as being in church and giving HIM your complete attention. At home, we are usually doing other things while listening to music .
   So when someone gave me tickets to " Casting Crowns " , I was very happy . Let me tell you I was in pure heaven last night . I forgot everyone and everything . This concert was for me . I had tears coming down my face . Its as if a dam broke and everything I have been suppressing came out . At the end of the concert , the lead singer said how they all came out and prayed over all the seats earlier in the day .
   Come to the well. I came to the well and left everything there. My problems with all my FMLA forms, insurance , m…