Thursday, March 31, 2016

The Decision

                                                        Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                        Everyday is a journey.

I was up very early in anticipation of the call from my Oncologist. Once I make up my mind about something, I just want to get going with it. These past two days I've been trying to stay as busy as possible going over all my paperwork and organizing my desk. I even began packing my overnight/chemo bag. 

I've decided to have the surgery to remove the cancer growth . Originally at her office I rejected the idea, but decided to spend the next several days thinking about it. Actually, I wanted to hear what my children thought on that subject. 

Many factors go into my decision. Firstly, I'm developing a hernia (most likely caused by past surgeries) and it would be fixed during this procedure. I am in no pain whatsoever, mainly because it's in early stages.  Secondly, the growth itself seems to be perfectly oval shaped and easily accessible. Thirdly, I would be killing two birds with one stone here. Fourthly, I am in good health with my body nice and strong. Fifthly, by removing it, it might borrow me some more time before the next bout. 

On the flip side, I have many concerns. One, being off work on FMLA  is not something that I particularly want to experience again. There is so much red tape involved here and I want to focus all of my attention to recovery. Two, I don't do well with surgeries.  My last experience with this happened nine years ago. I ended up with so many complications that kept me in and out of the hospital for the next four months. Plus, a total of six months before I could go back and then it was three days a week. No, I certainly don't want to relive all of that again. Three, all my plans for the year went out the window in swift motion. Not only will I use up majority of my vacation time, but also drain my finances. Four, even  if things go smoothly, we are looking at a month at home recovering. Pain, awful pain. 

So I'm not exactly happy about it, but I see the benefits of going through with the surgery. Our next move? Scheduling that very important day.

Have a Blessed day everyone. 

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Radical Growth

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

You can start right where you are at this very moment and go  anywhere God takes you. Each day is the beginning of a brand new day when you put your path into God's hands.

A guide to growing a radical life. At least, that's what it said under the Heading. I have to admit that I'm really enjoying this Bible Study more than her first one. Maybe, because I can relate to it more. It deals with the different Seasons in our lives and how we take care of the soil depends on the harvest. 

Well, it seems I'm entering a new season in my life. It's a season that I never expected to go through at this stage. Truth be told, I always felt this would be the last option I would choose, but here I am. 

I've been thinking about this radical life of mine. It's been almost nine years since my ordinary life turned upside down with the diagnosis of ovarian cancer. It has been one heck of a journey with many deep explorations into self analysis of the heart. I am no longer the same person I was back then nor do I want to be. 

In fact, a deep sense of independence and freedom has enveloped me. I don't want to be tied down, or told what to think or feel. I want to be me. I could feel myself bristle almost immediately if I feel my freedom is at stake. I think it has to do with the word victim. I don't want to look, act or be a victim in any way. And I definitely don't want to be babied. 

One thing this journey has not been is boring. I've experienced every kind of season possible and there is plenty more to discover. I am the type of person who needs a bit of solitude to gather my thoughts and process what needs to be done in my mind. Once that is done, I get back on my feet pretty quick and get going. 

So I guess you have pretty much figured out by now that I know which option I will be taking in regards to this cancer. I want to thank all of you who have prayed for wisdom and discernment for me. I greatly appreciate all the positive feedback. Until next time, peeps!

Have a Blessed day everyone. 

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

I Mean You No Harm

                                          Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Not too long ago I had the privilege of spending the day downtown Chicago. Now, if any of you truly know me, you may think I'm being sarcastic saying it's a privilege, because I never really liked going there. I always thought of downtown as loud, hectic, overwhelming and disorientating. I would avoid going down there, especially alone. 

As I walked the streets, I've noticed people here don't stroll, they take long strides. Without even being aware of it, you end up walking quickly right along with them. Mobs of people rushing from every direction. 

When I finally settled down for a cup of coffee and a sandwich, I felt exhausted from the brisk walk and sea air. As I had quite a few hours ahead of me, I decided to get some bible study out of the way since I've been lagging behind. 

Have you ever been so absorbed in something that you've lost all sense of what was happening around you? That's what occurred here. I was so lost in thought and writing that I wasn't aware of a man standing next to my table. 

I mean you no harm. I'm homeless and so hungry. Could you buy me something to eat?

Now, I have seen  many homeless people, but this man was filthy. As he spoke, he reached out to shake my hand. I looked down at it, small and warm, so very warm. At that moment, something came over me, peaceful and calm. Without hesitation, I reached for my wallet and bought this man something to eat. I watched this man take his plate and sit down a few tables from me. 

I will never forget the feel of his hand when he clasped mine nor can I forget that experience. You may think I'm crazy, but there was something different about him. 

I mean you no harm. I'm homeless and so hungry. Could you buy me something to eat?

I feel as if I've been  blessed in some special way. It's difficult to explain and some of you may feel that I'm crazy, but it was a great feeling. 

Have a blessed day everyone.


Monday, March 28, 2016

The Waddle

                                                     Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                           everyday is a journey.

--Charlotte Perkins Stetson.

My writing desk is pleasantly placed in front of my bedroom window. I love the view that inspires me as I write. I can see the life of my neighborhood come alive as the day unfolds and resides.

It was during one of my writing excursions that I happened to look up and see the faithful Jehovah Witnesses going round, house by house. What was different about this group was their age. I could visibly see they were elderly, which totally amazed me that they would want to go up and down stairs to preach. Yet, they did.

I am a woman of fifty-one years of age. I do not walk normally anymore, instead I waddle. Getting up in one swift motion out of a chair is out of the question. I look at a flight of stairs with total dismay. My left leg aches, my knee swells up and arthritis has settled in. I can predict the weather without glancing at the forecast. All I have to do is look to my leg.

I am in awe of anyone my age who can do any of these things like a young person. There is a woman in her seventies that I work with whom I've seen running (yes, running!) to the time clock. I've seen her kneel and sit back on her legs like it was nothing. If I go down, I'm not coming up.

How do they keep themselves so limber? Is it a lifetime of exercise? I have to admit that exercise is something I avoid as much as possible, but even I have to succumb to it. . . occasionally.

 So I have to admit, I stopped writing and my eyes kept following these Jehovah Witnesses. Even though they had that "waddle" when they walked, they still handled those stairs much better than I ever would. 

I sincerely hope you have a wonderfully blessed day.

Sunday, March 27, 2016

Highlight Of The Week #11

                                                    Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                    everyday is a journey.

How do I define this week? I thought about this and thought some more. There is nothing to really explain my feelings except stillness. I am completely still in all respects. A calmness. An assurance. My mind is completely clear. I've spent my time crocheting and watching Agatha Christie's murder mysteries.

This being Passion Week, has also provided quite a bit of alone time in peace and quiet. Emily has been busy running around volunteering in preparation for Easter. We even ran into each other Friday night when I came home from work. That is rare, but she spent the evening stuffing eggs with fellow Church members. Today, she is off and running helping a friend with their printing business, so I'm home alone. 

I often smile in remembrance of my two children. At first glance, everyone can tell how totally opposite they are in appearance. Yet, they share more commonalities than others would think. Take this week, they are both busy with Church in celebration of Christ's Resurrection. Even on Sunday, in separate Churches and miles apart, they both will be there at 7 am. ready to go. I love that!

Some may say, I should be busy trying to figure out what to do. I have this big decision. I say to you, I am busy being still allowing God to do His work. That's all I need. The rest will follow. 

I am very grateful for the solitude that God has provided. He always seems to know what I need the most. 

Have a blessed day everyone.  

Saturday, March 26, 2016

The Oncologist Visit

                                                      Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                       everyday is a journey.

The waiting room was crowded, barely offering any empty seats for one to take. I had to wait for almost an hour before they finally called my name. To be honest, I was getting a bit aggravated, but thank heavens I had my crocheting to steady my nerves. 

Once again, my Oncologist surprised me. I will spare you all the details, but it comes down to two things. Either, I have surgery to remove the growth or I have a chemo infusion. At this point, I still don't know what to do, but I have been praying for discernment and asking God's will for me to be known. 

To some, this might be a no brainier. Everyone is allowed to have their opinion, but for me, it has to do with quality of life and how this will affect it. 

For the rest of the day, everything went in a blur. God truly knows what He is doing. I was up and out the door at 8:30 am and didn't make it back home until 11:30 that night. It was one of my hectic work nights when I blinked and it was over.  There was no time to be sad, withdrawn or worried about anything. 

I believe God designed that day in that particular fashion for my own  good. He made sure that the enemy had no room to enter. You see, there is no fear, worry or sadness involved here on my part. I have a calmness and a sense of reassurance that when the time comes for me to make that important choice, it will be the right one. 

I've walked away from my visit with my Oncologist  with the realization of how deeply I care for her, admire her and completely trust her, especially in regards to my health. We have truly developed a relationship, one that I hope continues to thrive. 

I hope that every single one of you has a spiritual re-awakening this Easter. A closeness to God that can only bring peace to your hearts. 

Have a Blessed day everyone.  

Wednesday, March 23, 2016

You Are Loved

                                          Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

There are days where we become very reflective on the things in our lives. This morning was that day for me. I felt a deep sadness, a heavy weight on my shoulders. That weight contained not my sorrow, but the sorrow of my friends and family. There are so many people out there who are going through struggles crying out for help.  I couldn't help but think of them today.

To my friend who is facing yet another Holiday by herself raising her children all on her own, I pray you find comfort in the knowledge that you are loved and prayed for. 

To my friend who lost her father just a few days ago, I pray you find comfort in the knowledge that you are loved and prayed for. 

To the one who feels abandoned and disappointed in God, I pray you find comfort in the knowledge that you are loved and prayed for. 

To the one with family disarray and disputes over who knows what anymore, I pray you find comfort in the knowledge that you are loved and prayed for.

To the one who is feeling unloved, unwanted, unaccepted by their church family, I pray you find comfort in the knowledge that you are loved and prayed for.

I could write on and on and the page would never be quite full. Easter is such a festive Holiday with colorful pastel eggs sitting among other goodies in a cute little basket. We get all dressed up in our very best and head out to Church. It's so easy to get lost in all of this finery. 

But . . . there are people out there who are suffering and this will be a difficult time for them. I feel for these friends of mine. Oh, how I wish I could take away their sorrow and comfort them. Tell them everything will be okay. Tell them that tomorrow will come with a new hope. A new beginning. Let's not forget these friends of ours, especially during this Holiday. 

Have a blessed day everyone.


Tuesday, March 22, 2016

The Work Of My Hands

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

I cannot feel
  That all is well, when darkening clouds conceal
      The shining sun;
      But then, I know
  He lives and loves; and say, since it is so,
      Thy will be done.

I just love the above poem by Browning. It is so very true. In the midst of my cancer arose my Crocheting Ministry. I've derived so much pleasure  and comfort from it. In all these years of knowing how to crochet, I've never really made anything for my children.

Last Summer, I've decided to remedy that situation by deciding to make them something they could remember me by for years to come. I had huge plans all laid out in my mind of what, when and how. Both would be ready for Christmas and their eyes would light up with pleasure upon opening their special presents. They would exclaim oohs and aaahs all over Facebook at the expertise of their mom.

Well, that's not what happened. I haven't even finished it yet. Christmas came and went, I decided to have it ready for my son's 5 year Wedding Anniversary (which is in like less than 2 weeks). My daughter knew about these projects since we are roommates and she was quite happy to wait for her present as long as it was done at the same time as her brothers. Sibling rivalry never ends no matter how old they get.

Now before I go on, I need to add that I have this saying for my Crocheting Ministry ladies about unraveling mistakes. Everything can be fixed without having to result to that drastic technique. Usually, they leave their mistakes with me to fix. No problem. I'm pretty good at it. 

Boy, did this project prove me wrong. I must have unraveled Emily's at least twice and Joey's four times. Completely unraveled from start to finish. I am eating my words with this project. 

I don't really understand the why. Is it because this means so much to me? Or is it because I chose a more intricate pattern? Or is it because some things need to be unraveled?

Either way, I'm plodding along with this project, still not truly happy with the results. I came real close to unraveling it again this past weekend, but Emily stopped me. 

"Just finish it, mom."

So I'm finishing it. Have a blessed day everyone.

I would like to  apologize to my good friend Maureen for using the name of her Ministry as my title. 

Monday, March 21, 2016

3 Types Of Friends

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Friend of truth. 
Friend of knowledge. 
Friend of encouragement. 

If you had to list the name of a friend for each of the three above, would you really have someone to place there? I think that the majority would list a friend who does the opposite. Or one friend for all three.

I've never been good at having a "BFF" my age. For some reason we are always on different levels and stages in our lives. One would think the opposite. 

I am learning that everyone plays a specific role in our lives. We have that friend who is adventurous that we take trips with and there is one who makes us laugh when we are down.A friend for every occasion, but that sounds more like acquaintances than true close buddies.

I don't think I have one of those close buddies. My mom has been friends with her buddy for over 44 years. That's a marriage! It was different in their time where people lived in the same house all of their life. Nowadays, people move constantly from one community to the next. The same can be said of work. Keeping a buddy is harder than one thinks.

So who is my friend of truth, friend of knowledge and friend  of encouragement? I actually do have one for each of these, but they may not be the people that others would expect. Why do we need one for all of these anyway?  

Well, we do. We need a friend who will always be our cheerleader no matter how crazy our schemes may sound. They are all about encouragement. Then we need someone who can tell us the way it really is and that person is the friend of truth. We all need a friend that is a wizard of knowledge and always knows where to go or what to do in time of crisis. 

I may not have a "bestie", but I'm okay with that. I like diversity. I'm a loner anyway and I like to keep my secrets all in the closet. 

Have a blessed day everyone.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Highlight Of The Week #10

                                                      Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                       everyday is a journey.

When I have the time so many things I'll do, 
To make life happier and more fair
 For those whose lives are crowded now with care, 
I'll help to lift them from their low despair 
When I have time.

This past week was a very challenging one for me, both with extreme highs and lows. So much was happening all at once. 

It began with the disappointing news of my having to work on Good Friday. Normally, it's not a big deal, but this time around I had two invites for that very night and I planned on going to both. One was a Candle Party ( how much fun is that?!) and the other a Good Friday Service at Church. 

Having worked second shift, I barely get to attend any of  the activities my friends invite me to or my Church. It seems like I miss out on so much fun. Last one was a Jewelry Party on a Thursday night and once again, I couldn't make it.

About the middle of the week, I had a horrible and I mean a horrible day! I felt both saddened and disappointed by a conversation I had with someone. We have heard how it only takes one person to totally ruin your day. That's what happened to me. It wasn't until I laid in bed wondering about all of it, did I understand what happened. You see, this was all my fault, not theirs. I am the one who has changed, not them. Back then, I'm almost sure, I thought and behaved the same way as them. How can I be upset with them then?

Of course, the very next day I had another unpleasant task. This time, I decided to turn things around and make this experience as positive as possible. As horrible as the night before was, this time it was heavenly. I was extremely tired afterwards, but content. I still now think about that day. More on that in the upcoming posts.

So here we are, the weekend almost over. My oncologist appointment happens to be this week and I am so glad for it. There is nothing more I detest than waiting for something to happen. In my mind I have accepted the next step in my journey, so let's get to it already. 

Hope your Sabbath is a Blessed one.

Saturday, March 19, 2016

The Funeral

                                         Everyday is brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Once we are diagnosed with a health illness, it seems that sooner or later the subject of death and funerals will come up. In the nine years of my cancer career, the subject came up two or three times. I've written about death a few times and each time there was a different perspective gained from it. 

This time around I cannot help, but wonder what would my funeral look like? Would my family show up? Would they or could they sit side by side in the pews? Would they get along?

I know one thing. I definitely wouldn't want anyone to say that I've lost the battle with cancer. You see, if I died I actually conquered the cancer. I will be in Heaven and I cannot think of anything more lovely than that. All the promises that God has ever made to me will be fulfilled. So how could I possibly lose?

One of my favorite scripture came from Apostle Paul in his farewell letter to Timothy.
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.

That's absolutely beautiful! I hope that I get to live a long life. I hope to see my daughter married. Both of my children's offspring running around, seeing myself in their faces. I would love to be here for all of that, but it's okay if I'm not. It's a win win, folks.

I do know the last thing I want. I don't want a depressing funeral, everyone dressed in black. I know that friends and family will miss me, but I'll be running to my Lord!

Have a Blessed day everyone.  


Friday, March 18, 2016

Birthing A Dream

 Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Life  is a series of dreams. As children, we dream of our favorite toys and favorite games. As we grow older, so do the contexts of our dreams. They get bigger, bolder and harder to achieve. 

When I was a young woman, I spent more time daydreaming than actually building a real life dream of my own. 

So what is your dream today?What are you hoping and praying for in your life? A husband? Children? A career? Maybe a Ministry? I'm always on the look out for something new in my life to better that life. 

As a Christian, I find I have changed both internally and outwardly, especially in my views. My dreams nowadays are more spiritually driven than anything else. My children are grown, I love the personal freedom I have now and retirement is not far from becoming a reality. So what kind of dream can I birth now?

I've been thinking quite a lot on that topic. The Crocheting Ministry will be three years old this coming August and this blog has been in existence since the Fall of 2011. I'm even thinking of going back into Children's Ministry as a Sunday School teacher. Yet, I feel there is something more that needs to come out of me. 

Birthing a dream takes work and time. Plus, many prayers. What will my next dream be? I have no idea, but I do know it's beginning to sprout!

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Thursday, March 17, 2016

Throwback Thursday


                                   Everyday is a brand new day, 

                                  everyday is a journey.

It's Throwback Thursday today as we take a look to a post from the past. I've had the most awful day yesterday, but more on that later. For now, let's enjoy this beautiful day and count our blessings!

My Cup Half-Filled

We always feel like we can accomplish everything we set out to do. We can make a list of chores, errands or even a bucket list  and assume that it will be done sooner or later. In reality, most of our expectations are not realistic ones. If you are anything like me, you load your plate very high and only consume half. By the time we get to the other half, it's already spoiled or unappealing, losing it's charm.

I find myself in this situation over and over again. How many times can a person start over? As many times as they have to. So, I'm redecorating a little, making room for some things and letting go of others. Cleaning out my closets and sometimes even coming out of the closet if need be.

Things haven't been turning out quite the way I have expected, but we adjust to whatever God has in store for us. Didn't I just pray " Let Your will be done "? So here I am . . . . very tired and disappointed in that will, but I know it is the right thing for me.

The following poem I received from a mentor of mine, Barb Snodgrass. She somehow always seems to know what I need to hear at a precise moment in my life. Hope you enjoy it, too.

Drinking from my saucer I've never made a fortune, and it's probably too late now. 
But I don't worry about that much, I'm happy anyhow 
And as I go along life's way, 
I'm reaping better than I sowed. 
I'm drinking from my saucer, 
'Cause my cup has overflowed. 

Haven't got a lot of riches, 
and sometimes the going's tough 
But I've got loving ones all around me, 
and that makes me rich enough. 
I thank GOD for his Blessings, 
and the Mercies HE's bestowed. 
I'm drinking from my saucer, 
'Cause my cup has overflowed. 

I remember times when things went wrong, 
My faith wore somewhat thin. 
But all at once the dark clouds broke, 
and the sun peeped through again. 
So LORD, help me not to gripe, 
about the tough rows I have hoed. 
I'm drinking from my saucer, 
'Cause my cup has overflowed. 

If GOD gives me strength and courage, 
When the way grows steep and rough. 
I'll not ask for other blessings, 
I'm already Blessed enough. 
And may I never be too busy, 
to help others bear their loads.. 
Then I'll keep drinking from my saucer, 
'Cause my cup has overflowed. 

Have a Blessed day everyone .

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Kyoto Flowers

                                                       Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                       everyday is a journey.

"Did you just put on some lotion?"  
"Yes, you can smell that?"
"Smells wonderful!"
"It's Avon Kyoto Flowers."

My Petscan technician couldn't get enough of that scent. She kept bringing the tube of cream up to her nose to just get a whiff of it's fragrance. I smile whenever I imagine that scene again in my head. Her face showed her pleasure. I should have left that tube of Kyoto Flowers with her. 

There are things in life that bring us so much pleasure. These are small things that many others take for granted. Even we take them for granted on a daily basis, but a time comes when we need the comfort of these pleasures. 

The warmth of the sunshine upon our faces. 

The delicious aroma of our favorite dish in the oven. 

The contagious and bubbly giggling of a toddler.  

The beautiful glory of God's many sunsets.

The harmonious and lyrical chords of a song. 

The arduous aroma of freshly picked flowers.

Is it the upcoming Spring or a love of life that alerts me to all the gorgeous scenery around me? I don't want to miss any of it. I want to bask in it's glory and enjoy every single second. What a beautiful day! I hope all of you enjoy this glorious day!

HAVE a blessed day everyone. 


Tuesday, March 15, 2016

The Petscan

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Last Friday, I arrived for my Petscan quite early. A whole hour ahead of schedule, even the technicians haven't arrived yet. I sat in my car, reading my devotions for the day as those irritating drizzle raindrops fell from the sky. If it rains, it should at least try to be consistent and a drizzle is none of that. I came a little early on purpose, hoping to get out a little faster since my morning was extremely full before work. 

I know you're all wondering why I'm having a Petscan done since I've just had a Ct scan done a week ago. Well, a Petscan is specifically designed for detecting cancer. My insurance  kept denying my oncologist's request for a Petscan and only approving a Ct scan. It's all about money, but I guess now that it's showing growth it's another matter altogether.

There is also a difference in the procedure. For instance, a Petscan involves being injected by radioactive sugar.You're reclining in a comfy chair covered with a warm blanket for like an hour. All this is supposed to relax your muscles so they can see inside sort of like Predator ( in the movie) could see humans. Of course, you are drinking that awful contrast, too. After an hour, you go inside the scanner for another 20-25 minutes. Any cancer should light up glowingly. It's a more accurate test and that's why my oncologist requested it.

Now, I need to talk about my feelings regarding this additional setback in my life. I don't want anyone to have the wrong idea that I'm depressed, saddened or upset in any way. This coming May, it will be nine years since my first bout with cancer. In these nine years, I have gone through numerous emotional upheavals and all of them were different from each other. Each new bout brings a whole set of new things for me to learn about myself. So I'm okay and I don't want anyone to think otherwise.

As to this bout, my main concern is to be able to incorporate my treatments into my work life. What I mean is that this cancer is a way of life for me. I don't want it to define who I am, but refine me into a better individual. I want to enjoy my life doing all the things I am passionate about without too much interference.  I will need lots of help and I will accept that help, but it should not change my love of life. 

In all honesty, I've already processed all my emotions and am ready to go. Let's get started with this new chapter in my life. 

Have a blessed day everyone.

Monday, March 14, 2016

A Tiring Day

                                                       Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                       everyday is a journey.

Now, Lord, what wait I for?
    On Thee alone
  My hope is all rested,--
    Lord, seal me Thine own!
  Only Thine own to be,
  Only to live to Thee.
        Thine, with each day begun,
        Thine, with each set of sun,
        Thine, till my work is done.

All morning long, I've been opening and shutting my bedroom window as one minute I'm hot and the next cold. All this indecision setting the tone for a frustrating morning. Can't make up my mind on what to have for breakfast or what I should tackle first on my "to do" list. Instead, my mood shifting from good to bad. It's just been that kind of day.

I'm just tired. I know myself so well and I need some time alone. All weekend long, I ran from one activity to the next without a moment left for just me. I need some time to de-stress from all the  events of the day.

Friday I ran from the Petscan to errands before going to work. Saturday was spent with my Ministry ladies. Sunday was Church, then a luncheon date, grocery shopping and home. It was over before I blinked. Not to mention losing that one hour really made a difference to me.  

Now I have to get ready for the work week to begin and all I'm thinking about is how much I would love to lie down for a nap. It will be a long week, people.  It  doesn't help that it's a rainy and cloudy day. Rain has always made me sleepy wanting to curl up on the couch with a steaming cup of coffee and a hot bowl of soup, watching old movies all day long. Who's with me?

The urge to call in sick overwhelmingly tempts my tired body, but I can't. I will need all my days for the upcoming chemo treatments. I cannot afford  to waste any of my vacation time. I know, I know. I don't officially know what my oncologist wants to do, but I have a good idea. 

For all of my complaining, I did enjoy myself this weekend with my friends, my Ministry and my Church. Maybe it was worth a little lack of sleep?

Have a Blessed day everyone. 

Sunday, March 13, 2016

The Ct Scan

                                          Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

"Hello Ms. Krol? This is Dr. K."
 "Oh yes, Dr. K. Are you calling me back with the results?"
"The latest Ct. scan shows the cancer has grown . . . . "

Her voice went on and I heard only bits and pieces of it. Something about Connie calling me back with an appointment for a Petscan. We'll talk about our next move at the scheduled appointment. I think this is the first time a treatment I've been on (hormone) that hasn't worked for very long, a mere five months only. 

Quite honestly, I have no idea how or what to feel. My mind works in a different way than most people. I need to process these feelings first by going off into solitude. Whenever there is a new trial or struggle in my life, I'm usually very quiet. I need the silence to think. 

My stress levels go up when I cannot do just that. Things start piling up one by one, piece by piece and finally I cannot take it anymore. I lose it. This week was no different. In my heart, I knew the only time I could go into my loner mode would be over the weekend late at night and at Church. I was definitely looking forward to this weekend!

I'm feeling better about it already. I think that God provides busyness in our lives so we don't think too much, which is also my problem. So what is going to happen? Not exactly sure, but I suspect it will involve a chemo infusion. I'll keep everyone updated as soon as I know more. As for now, one can never have too many prayers. 

Have a Blessed day everyone. 


Friday, March 11, 2016

Highlight Of The Week #9

                                          Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Few, in the days of early youth,Trusted like me in love and truth.
I've learned sad lessons from the years;
But slowly and with many tears;
 For God made me to kindly view 
 The world that I was passing through.
--Lydia M. Child.

This has certainly been one of the most stressful weeks in a very long time. Unlike the picture above, the weather changed to a more seasonal time of Spring. Somehow our Grounds/Maintenance Dept. at work didn't receive the memo and never turned off the heat. This is a manufacturing plant. Add the running machines, the heat from the furnace, plus the warmth from the outside can only equal to a sweat-filled atmosphere. Just horrible! Heat wears one out. 

My car has also been making some noises. I really stress out when it comes to my vehicle. I need my vehicle to get around. I can't do my work, my ministry or anything else without it. There may be buses, but the routes have been altered or liquidated altogether since I was a young girl. Life is just way difficult without a car. 

This month also featured quite a bit of doctor appointments as my health jumped to the forefront. As much as they are needed, they take up so much of my time. If there is an appointment, I usually end up going straight to work afterwards.

It didn't get any better as I noticed my vacation schedule  had a minor, but irritating mistake. You know, I've noticed that it's not one particular event that stresses me out, but a series of mishaps. Just pile one on top of the other. It all adds up to a disaster. I sort of lost it last night for a minute. I say a minute, because I did realize what was happening and right away tried to rectify my responses. 

I wish I could say that I'm  looking forward to resting over the weekend, but my Ministry is meeting on Saturday and Sunday I have a luncheon at Church. Not to mention, it's my turn to bring refreshments for after Church mingle. Emily will be actually baking for it, but the running around will be all me. A busy weekend, plus we lose an hour as it is. 

At least, I won't have time to worry or think too much about anything. Another fault of mine. 

Have a Blessed day everyone. 


Thursday, March 10, 2016

Throwback Thursday

                                   Everyday is a brand new day, 

                                     everyday is a journey. 


Every Thursday, I take a post from the past  and sort of do an update. What has happened since that time. Right now, we are in the year 2013. By this time, I was going through another bout with cancer, my third. Each journey brought it's own separate learning process. My journey with cancer has certainly been bittersweet. Besides the fact that cancer has eaten away at my body, many good things have come out of this experience. 

 My crocheting ministry has been a blessing not only to it's members or the organizations we donate to, but also to me. I never knew this existed inside of me. 

My love of writing. If I could express how much the written word means to me. There is so much I would love to do. Will I have the time to accomplish it all?

As I re-read the post below, I've realized that my feelings have not changed. I still love writing. I still want to indulge in numerous literary projects. I still want to go hide in the woods, living somewhere in a Tiny House. I hope you enjoy the post on this Throwback Thursday.

The Written Word

I never knew there was a writer inside of me waiting to burst forth until a re-occurrence of my cancer. Most people begin their writing career with a  notebook and a pen, jotting down random thoughts of significance throughout the day. Not me, I began with a blog. 

What started out as a diary, quickly turned into a therapeutic exercise of placing pen to paper all the pent up emotions of life with cancer. What I couldn't express to others verbally, came pouring out like the explosion of floodgates long guarded. 

The written word became a healing process without my being aware of it. When or how, I'm not exactly sure, but it has helped me shed the layers of pity and anger that so easily could have enveloped me. 

The written word holds much power scrolled with the mighty pen of real emotion. Why did it take almost half my life to realize a passion long hidden inside of me?  Could it be I needed to gain experience to voice my pain, my joy and my desires? 

Maybe, but I believe the real reason happens to be time. There is more of it now than in my younger years. During those years, my passion for writing lay hidden and dormant while life was spent changing smelly diapers, washing dirty little faces and countless hours of evening homework. 

Nowadays, I can only dream of running away to a cabin in the woods by a lake where I can sit on the front porch, sipping wine and allowing nature to become my muse as I pen the written word. Perhaps a novel? Just like in the movies, eh? 

As  I sit here, a woman fast approaching fifty, I count myself fortunate to have found a passion to indulge in during my latter years. A passion and a joy that truly defines who I have become. All due to the power of the written word. 

Have a Blessed day everyone. 

Wednesday, March 9, 2016

The Incentive

                                          Everyday is a brand new, everyday is a journey.

  O Shadow in a sultry land!
    We gather to Thy breast,
  Whose love, enfolding like the night,
    Brings quietude and rest,
  Glimpse of the fairer life to be,
    In foretaste here possessed.

As I've stated in the past, my work participated in The Virgin Health Miles Program for the last couple of years as part of our healthcare incentive. This type of program measured how many steps I took on a daily basis.  If I reached a certain quota, my healthcare costs were immediately decreased by $300.00 dollars. They also offered other incentives where one could make additional amount to be added to any healthcare costs accrued for the year. 

This year, my company has changed programs and we are doing Rally On. They have the same incentives, offering a decrease as long as we are enrolled in their program and participating. Plus, they have the same extra bonus incentive, but instead of steps, they are more about preventive medicine. 

In other words, I earn money every single time I go to the doctor whether it is Dental, a mammogram or primary care. The whole point objective is to take better care of our bodies by visiting our doctors regularly. Hey, no problem. I go all the time.

One of the first things the site requires (besides making a profile) is to take a health survey where they tell you what your body age is based on your lifestyle. They take into consideration your eating habits, your weight, your BMI, blood pressure etc. I am 51 years old, but my body on the inside is actually 61 yrs. I was not happy with the result.

First of all,  they did applaud my eating healthy habits, plus the red wine being good for my heart. They also offered suggestions in lowering my weight by adding an extra day to my workout. It seems my weight is the thing that held me back. Okay, we can work on that. 

Overall, I'm much happier with this program. It has to do more with preventive medicine and I'm all for that.  

Have a blessed day everyone.

Tuesday, March 8, 2016

The Mammogram

                                                       Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                       everyday is a journey.

Build a little fence of trust
    Around to-day;
  Fill the space with loving work,
    And therein stay;
  Look not through the sheltering bars
    Upon to-morrow,
  God will help thee bear what comes,
    Of joy or sorrow.

As I've  reported earlier, I had a routine mammogram done. The results came out that there was a blemish. Nothing new or shocking there. Almost all my mammograms come back the same way, always the same breast. It has become so habit forming that in the  past the technician would automatically do a more intensive scan for that purpose. This way I didn't have to come back for a re-scan and we know how much those scans hurt. 

There was something different about this mammogram. First, the waiting room was quite full with three other women. Second, it wasn't my regular technician, but I did come on a Saturday. Thirdly, it was over in a flash, a blink of an eye. I was surprised, but happy to be done and on my way home. 

Now, I'm not blaming anyone here, because I am just as guilty. I did have coffee in the middle of the night when they ask you not to drink for 24 hours. I should have told her about that breast, but I didn't.

I was immensely surprised to hear from my doctor a few days later, asking me to come in for an exam by her. This has never happened before. . . .ever. So there was a little bit of anxiety on my part. 

In the end, everything went well and nothing was found. It was probably the nicest oncology visit I've ever had. There were hardly any people in the waiting room. Even her Resident wasn't there. Just her and me, laughing, sharing and catching up on our lives. She told me of her boys and I updated her on my Ministry. I really love my doctor. 

So the blemish really wasn't a blemish at all. Everything turned out great, plus I spent some one on one with a great young lady.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Yarn Bombing My Life

                            Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey. Some murmur if their sky is clear, And wholly bright ...