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Showing posts from February, 2012

Where Are My Pants ?

My son has been gone from home now for 8 years and in that time he has lived in many places . I have spent many a weekends visiting him . We moms  ,  never visit empty-handed , always bringing home cooked food , money  {and in my case ) rolls of toilet paper , detergent ,trash bags .
   On one such visit , I learned that someone in the family wanted to buy him a pair of pants . You would think what a very nice gesture that was......pants are not cheap . My son was flabbergasted . Buy him a pair of pants ?! Pants don't come in small , medium and large . They have to be tried on ......fitting a certain way .....they need to FEEL good not just LOOK good . Buying a man's pants is an intimate act . An act that needs to be done by the man himself .
   As funny as this may sound , I believe he is right . As  the days are fast approaching to my return to work , I'm in search of some  feeling good , looking good pair of pants . This past Monday , I headed out to the stores to …

Joey Trip Day 3

Joey Trip Day 3 I went to bed last nite at like 6 pm when we got home from our day 2 adventure.I slept the entire night until 7 the next morning.Joey said I was passed out snoring away.The neighbors called to see what was the noise .

Well anyway,the day started with a a bible study.I have never been to an unisex one before.Then came church.I really liked his pastor.He knew every single person in church.He also stood out by the door after the service shaking everyone 's hand .But what I was most impressed with is their children ministry.

Afterwards,joey was invited to speak at a Baccaleaurate.I don't really know what that was about but it had something to do with the high school graduates from all the local churches.He did a speec h about them going out into the world and keeping their faith.If anyone knows exactly what that is please let me know.Probably Barb knows.

We had lunch and by then it was time to pack and go catch my train.The ride back was very uneventful and ahead …

Joey Trip Day 2

Joey Trip Day 2 Its like 2:30 pm and already I'm exhausted .Joey and I went for a hike in the woods which reminded me very much of Ted's walk down to the beach! I'm not kidding.I almost died!!!!
Now I'm so tired and ready for a nap.We went around the lake and when we finally saw the finish line what was there to prevent us from crossing it? GEESE HISSING! WITH THEIR YOUNG! HISSING!We couldn't get through.Joey was very bold picking up a stick to chase them away but their necks get very long and stretched out when they Are ready to attack.
The geese won and we had to backtrack and go around.Nature always wins.I told him I never want to see this LAKE CLINTON again.Hey Lake Clinton!?Joey is like lets tell babcia we're on Lake Bush.
We had lunch at this pizza buffet place{sort of like CICI'S} and I had spaghetti and he had the pizza buffet.We went to Walmart and a grocery store called IGA'S.Bought this cute little sundress for Hannah and a wild T-shirt …

Joey Trip Day 1

Sunday mornings , we are up early enjoying the warmth and laziness of our beds . The only day of the week reserved for church and sunday school , it's a day we spend as a family . Today , I'm thinking of my eldest , now a married man . There have been numerous weekends spent visiting him in his "bachelor " days . Let me share with you one of those weekends as my mind goes back..........Joey Trip Day 1 Hi all !

My Joey trip started out in an unexpected rush.Henry called me like 5:38am wondering if I was ready to then.My train wasn't leaving until 9:25 am from Union station.I think he was up feeding Brianna then.

So we ended up getting there like 7:30am.Which was fine with me.The train left on time but we ended up stopping so many times that I was late 90 minutes!!!!!! First, it was other trains needing to pass by,then it was the signal not working,then we had engine troubles.......I could on and on.

But I didn't mind.I read a little,did some puzzles and looked…

The Morning After

Remember the gluttony weekend ? Well , it's the morning after and I've been sick all week paying for it . Too much too soon . The eyes were bigger , much bigger , than the recovery . Secluding myself while the hangover of too much wore off , the world didn't stop turning . It kept on spinning . E-mails still kept rolling in ...all 238 of them . Haven't checked the voicemails yet . Housework piled up right along with the dishes . All my facebook games put on a shelf for a whole five days!!!! The requests , I don't even want to think about .
  Was my gluttony weekend worth it ? I'm still asking myself that . In a few days , I might see things differently and give you a different answer . For now , I'm undecided because that Olive Garden was pretty darn great . The aftermath ? Wasn't .
  While going through a difficult time we swear to never again but the minute things turn rosy ..........well , maybe . . . . just once .
  In a way , It's the mor…

That Dreaded Journey

Drove in all that slush this morning to that dreaded appointment........my doctor's appointment . In the past 5 years I have made this journey countless of times . Never had I hated it as much as I do now . My stomache in knots . .. . my blood pressure high......stressed out beyond anything . Stopped for a coffee just to calm my nerves and my trembling belly . For sure I will vomit .
  I know what is causing my anxiety . The unknown . Waiting for the other shoe to drop . When will that dreaded cancer come back again . Lord knows , I don't want to go through this yet again and I know I will have to .Is it even gone asleep for now . I have yet another appointment for another scan to determine that .
  Will I be feeling this anxiety everytime I go for a checkup ? Will it ever ease up? Surely as time goes on my defenses will drop and I will relax ? All these questions are running through my head and I'm tired .
  Even Linda has had enough already . Just saw her at our chu…

How Do I Do Sad ?

Do you have a someone who loves you regardless ? Someone whose love you never question . It is written on their every gesture , every expression , in  their every fluid movement . I am not talking about a lover's love but of a love a person has for another being . It is  a sexless love .
   I visited one of my favorite people who loves me like that . She is a woman in  her middle 80"s and I have known her since I was 7 years old . That's over 40 years .....40 years . She has always had vibrant red hair and has been wildly eccentric . To some people she may be viewed as a kooky old broad but to me she has always been magnificent .
  As a child , I would visit her along with my mom . She would serve tea or coffee in the afternoon along with a cake of some sorts . I considered this highly grand ! There I sat next to her , eating my cake and drinking my tea , as she told story upon story of her life . From her capture by the Nazi and placed in a workers camp ,  to her mar…

My Spiritual Testimony

Today in bible study , we spoke of planting seeds in others . I thought of my own seed that was planted years ago. Here is a story I wrote in the early stages of my planted seed.


My Spiritual Testimony
Today, in church, I sat there and reflected on my love for GOD.I felt such profound peace and love inside me.
I never would have thought it possible for me to love being in church let alone looking for Sunday to come.Never have I thought I would be so fulfilled and sated spiritually.I, am not bored in church.I love going to church and the best part ...I could stay there for hours.I can't even believe I am saying this.
There are times that Sunday can't come fast enough for me because I NEED to go to church.So I sat there and thought to myself how much I have grown.It reminded me of psalm 116
I love the Lord,for He heard my voice
He heard my cry for mercy
because He turned His ear to me
I will call on Him as long as I live
the cords of death entangled me
the anguish of the grave c…

The Countdown Begins

After setting  a goal of returning to work soon , I find myself rushing with a list of things to accomplish in preparation of the big event . Yes , the big event . Returning to work is a huge deal for me . The obvious reason , of course , signaling the end of this illness......for now . The ordeal is over . .  . . for now .
  A few weeks back , I was at the fruit market when I looked across the produce to find a fellow male co-worker with his wife . Trying to meet his eyes to send a nod in acknowledgememt only to find him staring blankly at me. Throughout the store I ran into him and again no sign of recognition .
  Driving home , with my mom , I asked her if I had changed that much in the last 6 months . After telling her what happened , she remarked , "honey he is a man and you have no hair".I didn't believe that . I didn't pass this man in the hallways of Avon. I  worked with him daily . I would give him instructions for the night of things he needed to get do…

A Day Of Gluttony

Yesterday , I had  quite a busy day of gluttony . After almost 6 months of having no taste buds and nothing but nausea , I had 3 dates to dinner .     Actually , one of them was lunch at 11am . My girlfriends , were taking me out to lunch to celebrate the end of chemo . Then I'm off to mom's for a family dinner at 4pm.At 630pm , we have fellowship potluck dinner at church . Having a daughter who is quite anti social , it fills my heart with joy that she just loves all church activities especially this one. She does the cooking and everything . Tonight , she is making mostaciolli( I think I misspelled that ). Me? I'm looking forward to the hotdogs .     My gluttony began last night as Emily and I went out to dinner at  the Olive Garden .I don't know if it was the fact that I haven't enjoyed food in a long time or what but.......it was the best meal I have ever , ever tasted .     We started out with fried zucchini, fried mozzarella and stuffed …

Mercy , Mercy Final Chapter

Anxiously , I sign into my checking account like I have done numerous times these past 7 weeks . Will it finally be there ?
  I have learned so much these past months . Emily and I have  grown even closer if that's possible . Aubrey is more of a daughter than an in-law . My son , Joe  , a grown man  with a family . I'm so proud of him . Hannah and Tim , my grandkids . Who cares that their blood is not mine . I feel like they're mine. I love them like they're mine .Even like the darn cat , Diamond, who 's cat litter is always spilling over . Messy cat!!!
  These people are my life . They are the reason I'm living . These past months we have strenghtened our relationships and learned to accept each other's faults . I wouldn't change any part of this journey . Well , maybe just those darn disability people . Poof they're gone !!!
  This cancer will most likely  come back again . Who cares if it does . It doesn't define me . It's a small part …

Mercy , Mercy Part 2

As I hung up the phone with my case manager from disability , a warm calm overtook my body. I will not speak to this woman again . I have asked this woman the same question at least 4 times ,  if not more , I'm still waiting for an answer . All I get  are vague answers that have nothing to do with anything .
    It amazes me the audaucity of healthcare , disability , insurance , you name it , in this country . They are rude , incompetent , uncaring , unprofessional and a few other things that I can't repeat but I am thinking  it !!You want to go crazy ......call one of them up . I honestly believe their whole purpose is not to provide a service to you during your health issue but drive you so insane  and broke that you will return to work regardless if you are healed or not . It is a shame that people have to deal with this sort of crap instead of focusing on getting better .
  After this phonecall , I just gave up . My mouth is open but no sound is coming out . I am spe…

Mercy , Mercy Part 1

" When we ask God to help us with something like gaining patience , make sure you ask Him  for Mercy first ." That was something my Pastor preached about one Sunday  many , many months ago . I can still see him in my mind standing and smiling at the pulpit .
    Every New Year , I make a resolution of a different sort . I choose something that I want to personally work on like family relationships , finances and last year I chose to work on my trust issues with God . I asked Him to help me learn to trust Him completely .
   The first half of the year , I skipped about , smiling . Life was beautiful . I was literally in LALA LAND . Why not ? He giveth .You want to learn Trust , Lottie ? He taketh away . I had no idea what I was asking Him . Like a Lamb to slaughter I nodded , yes , teach me trust .
   My finances took a nosedive . My health went AWOL . My car just wanted to die . Everything I touched turned sour . Do you trust me , Lottie ? I cried like a sissy the whole …

A Scrapbook Of Memories

Not too long ago , someone mentioned I should write down memories for my children . What a great idea !!!! Right away , I thought of Christmas  and scrapbooks !!! Went  to the store to purchase a scrapbook kit . Stood there for what seemed like hours trying to decide on the right one .
    Chose a specific night to start this exciting project  . So I pull out all my pictures all over my bed . Get all my art supplies and colorful paper . Yeah , I'm ready . The room looks like a disaster , but I'm ready .
   Every picture brings a smile , a memory and a tear . Who wouldn't cry ? This is your life . Excitedly , I start to imagine the look on their face when they open it up . How we will gather around like a family with me sitting in the armchair surrounded by them . The laughs we will share as we look at every single picture and caption . Exclaiming .......remember when .......wasn't that fun ........we should do that again .....the good ole times .........oh , mom ,…

Call For Bootie

My bucket list number 10 : booties for St. Jude's .

    I have written about this twice before so I'm sure you're all familiar on this subject . Originally , the idea came from two years ago while stumbling upon a Telethon for St. Jude's . I noticed something right away  about that hospital . . . . .the children were wheeled about in red wagons   and there was alot of color and brightness . They wanted to make it as pleasant of an experience for these children as possible . I have spent time in the hospital and it becomes a second home . The medical staff becomes your family . Even now , every doctor's office and hospital feels like home to me .
   Immeditately , my mind was racing on what I could do for them . At first , I thought of blankets but dismissed it because I would not make enough blankets for every child . It had to be something plausible ........accessible .........easy and quick .........booties . The hospital gives you these socks for your feet , …

I Took A Walk Today

Bucket List Number 3 : I want to be a runner .

 Every night I tell myself that I will get up at crack of dawn and start running . Every night I go through this but when morning comes something always changes my mind . Wait a  minute . ....I know what it is ...... it's laziness . Pure and simple . Laziness .
 This morning , while driving Emily to work , I decided to take a walk afterwards to start me off in a slow way towards running . Just around the block , I tell myself , baby steps . Driving back , I imagine myself breathing in the fresh air and admiring the beauty around me . I'm so going to enjoy this walk .
  I used to walk with my mom every night after supper during summer , years ago . The kids were small and would ride their bikes or roller blade ahead of us . Those were the good ole days . My mom doesn't like to walk anymore . She's worse than a two year old when it comes to walking . She can maybe do a block and complains the whole time . She doesn&…

Waiting On God

As Christians , we all have our paths and levels of spirituality that we're on . We all have something we are struggling with .  Mine has always been " waiting on God " . This , for me , is the most difficult . I do battle everyday with " waiting on God " .
   I start out very well , with the best of intentions , full of perserverance .  I will be patient ....I will be good....I will perservere . By day 3 ,  I'm tired of waiting and frustrated I yell out to God ,"okay show me a sign ." I go into a depression and start all over again by the end of the week . There is a pattern here . I want results fast .....now.....or just show me a sign  that I will get it . Sometimes , I wonder if my plan is God's plan .
  My son is great at this . He is very confident  with waiting on God . No matter what it is that is happening in his life he knows he is on the right path . Many times , even when things looked bleak , I would ask him , are you sure …

My Bucket List

Everyone should have a bucket list . We all need goals to keep going . Here is my bucket list .

1. first of all , I want to have a relationship with every single person in my life
                 Have you ever been to a funeral of someone whom you didn't like ? I have . I had no good
                 memories of this person . They were miserable and I certainly want noone to feel like that
                at my funeral .
2. I want to go back to school
3. I want to be a  runner
                 This is extremely hard for me . Running is not my thing but I figured if all those people on
                  The Biggest Loser can do it so can I
4. I want to travel by car to Florida to see the scenery with my mom
5. I want to go to Las Vegas and just play .
6. I want to go on a cruise
7. I want to move to the country
                  That's the life for me
8. I want to go on a Women Of Faith seminar
9. I want to go to lectures
10. I want to make booties for St . Judes Hos…

A Good Use Of Time

Chatting with an old friend today , they asked me what I've been doing with myself all of these months . I wasn't offended by this question . I thought it was a great question  to ask . Technically , all of us are here on a journey and we should be continuously growing in our faith , our spirituality and in our well being . Unfortunately , not all of us learn the first time . Sometimes , we need to experience things over and over again .
   That wasn't really what set me off thinking . I know where I've been and what I've experienced . To me , the real question was , what am I doing now ? One thing for sure , my first journey left me afraid to make plans and this time ?  Well , I want to make nothing but plans . I definitely don't intend on putting my life on hold and tiptoeing  around this cancer  . When it comes back , well , I'll deal with it just like I dealt with it now .
  That's not to say that I've learned everything to learn from this …

A Winter's Sleep

These past week I've been in a deep winter 's sleep . Pure exhaustion over took my body . Whenever I got up and did some physical act , fatique would take over once again . Is it possible to sleep so much ? Can it be too much ?
    Apparently , because my body developed aches and pains from laying down ., Silly , Right ? It's true , though . I feel like I'm ready to jump out of my skin . My body maybe very tired but I'm so uncomfortable from  laying too much . What to do ? The things I complain about .
   Yesterday , I tried to keep busy doing errands and fighting sleep . It only works for so long . Again , I'm out by 8pm. A very long night ensues . Waking up and bathroom visits over and over again  throughout the night . Two more weeks of this and I'm completely done . Never again for a very long time will I have to go through this .
    Today , I got up bright and early , in all this sleep I have neglected my housework and chores . Maybe , today , …

Flowers For Juwonn

The day after my infusion , I always go back for my Nuelasta shot  so my white blood count  doesn't drop . Since this was my last infusion I wanted to thank my nurse for taking care of me .
    I love my nurse . In all of my 47 yrs . there was only one experience at a hospital that the nurses were awful  . Otherwise , nurses to me , are God's treasures . They are incredible people . All they have to put up with on a daily basis . They see pain , death and sick people every single day . Everyday . They treat you with patience , have a smile ready and shower you with kindness no matter how badly you feel . Or how badly you treat them .
   I wanted her to know how much I really appreciated all of her kindness to me .It is a very demanding profession that offers little appreciation . I think I made her day . After 6 months of taking care of you , you develop a relationship.....a friendship .
  I remember , when I was in the hospital in 2007 , I had this young nurse spend her b…

A New Day

We got up early this morning . Packed my chemo/doctor bag full of puzzles , yarn and snacks . Filled my car with gas , checked all my fluids in case the car wanted to act up on such an important day in my life . Picked up my tea and off we went to chemo .
   I thought this day would be very emotional but I was wrong . I didn't shed one tear . I was filled with such joy and happiness . I felt like singing happy songs  so  I flipped from one station to the next looking for happy , upbeat music .
  When I looked in the mirror this morning and saw my bloated , red face from the steroids I wasn't even upset . When I got on the scale at the doctors it didn't even faze me .In fact , this was the first time since September that my weight was just under 200lbs. Of Course , my nurse was all in a tizzy that I lost a few pounds . People relax , I'm fat . I can afford to lose a few pounds .
   As much as I hated to go to my treatments in the past . . . . . today....I skipped to …

On The Eve Of .....

Today is the eve of my last chemo . I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that . I do know I'm feeling very anxious and trying to keep myself very occupied as to not think about it . I didn't sleep all night instead I spent the night crocheting , gathering my tax info , cleaning out my drawers and closet , darning clothes  and everything else . I don't want to think about it .
   I know I will break down  and start crying . It will be a very emotional day for me and I can't even explain why . I find it frustrating that I'm so emotional all the time over everything . I should be jumping up for joy that it will be over real soon  and yet I'm not .
   I'm also very scared of taking the last chemo . I feel like it will be terrible and I don't know if I have the stamina for it . I'm scared of it . I only remember too well three weeks ago and how I felt  physically . Everyone is like , hooray you're done , but I'm not done . Everything is no…

Scarves And More Scarves

I have a huge , huge drawer of headwear . In 2007 , I wore scarves 99 % of the time .That was my choice of headwear back then . When I went into remission , I decided to hold onto my scarves , even though I felt certain that I was done with cancer . I really did feel  that . That's why it was so hard for me to accept the fact it returned .
    I have no idea why I kept them . My friend Linda gave alot of hers away to other people.....me included . I didn't want to get rid of mine . Maybe , deep down inside I knew it would come back  . . ...way deep inside  .
    When it did , I was so angry , disappointed and disgusted . I told myself I was getting rid of these scarves . In fact , I hardly wore them at all . I used my shawls that I wrapped like a turban in different styles . Lately , I've been wearing hats . But I told myself , I was getting rid of these things once and for all . I planned on sending them to my cousins in Poland . I wasn't keeping them. Not this …

Best Laid Plans

Back in high school , there were the four of us who hung out everyday . My girlfriends and I were very different from each other . Each of us had different views and plans for the future . I , myself , never planned on having children which is funny since I ended up with four .
  We sure had some plans for how we thought our lives would end up . After high school , we lost track of each other . One of them is living in Alaska , single ,  with a very important high up career  in nursing . Always thought of Karen as a stay at home mom and look where she ended up at . I guess God had different plans for her .   My life certainly ended up differently . Actually , nothing like I thought at all .
    Last night , A friend confided in  me her concerns for her daughter's future . Which brought on my thinking about when I was her age . I'm sure things looked alot different and I'm equally sure my mother had concerns about how I would end up . My own perception of how I thought I …

Reflections

As I near the end of my treatment , I reflect on my journey  . It wasn't all bad . There were alot of good things that came out of it .
  For one thing , I was able to clean up my closets , drawers and  all the clutter that one clings to for dear life . All that hoarding I did in my life of things that have no absolute necessity . Just the papers alone filled two large garbage bags . Why ? Why , did I hold on to these things ? Not really sure , maybe for security or a need to feel like I have stuff . Things that are mine and only mine .
   The inner demons we all have , are not extinguished completely , but then , my journey is really not over .It's just one chapter closed while another begins . I did learn  to never stop growing spiritually . Never let me assume the education of my soul is complete .
   Another thing I've learned  is one must prepare  for situations in life . Last time , I stopped planning because I felt my future was uncertain so what is the point . …

A State Of Mind

February rolled around and I was ready for a change . I expected a change . In my mind , the past months of misery were over because a new month began . Of course , that's not what happened and I had another day of mishaps , errors  and just more of the same . I threw my hands up. When will this be over ?! I was so exhausted mentally yesterday that I fell alseep after supper and slept until this morning .
  Just then I remembered something I read the other day . How we need to turn things around in our minds . Don't look at all the bad . . .look at all the good things . Another fact , 80% of what we stress over and worry about doesn't even come true .
  I have a couple of friends who have reached that level of peace within themselves where they don't stress out and allow things to take over their lives . They trust God that much . I've been striving for that kind of level  and folks , it's not easy . Then , I remind myself that they have been working on that…