My son has been gone from home now for 8 years and in that time he has lived in many places . I have spent many a weekends visiting him . We moms , never visit empty-handed , always bringing home cooked food , money {and in my case ) rolls of toilet paper , detergent ,trash bags .
On one such visit , I learned that someone in the family wanted to buy him a pair of pants . You would think what a very nice gesture that was......pants are not cheap . My son was flabbergasted . Buy him a pair of pants ?! Pants don't come in small , medium and large . They have to be tried on ......fitting a certain way .....they need to FEEL good not just LOOK good . Buying a man's pants is an intimate act . An act that needs to be done by the man himself .
As funny as this may sound , I believe he is right . As the days are fast approaching to my return to work , I'm in search of some feeling good , looking good pair of pants . This past Monday , I headed out to the stores to do just that praying the whole time that I can find a pair that actually fits .
When I got home , I anxiously tried on pants and tops I bought . I have to say I felt pretty good . It's amazing how good we feel when we purchase something new . We feel new , which is an illusion because we still are the same person . Yet , our whole attitude changes . How we see ourselves .
Suddenly , going back to work isn't as frightening . I'm not as worried as to what people will think of me .. .. . think of my weight gain .......how I look . Yeah , I feel pretty good . Now , where's those pants ?
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Joey Trip Day 3
Joey Trip Day 3
- I went to bed last nite at like 6 pm when we got home from our day 2 adventure.I slept the entire night until 7 the next morning.Joey said I was passed out snoring away.The neighbors called to see what was the noise .
Well anyway,the day started with a a bible study.I have never been to an unisex one before.Then came church.I really liked his pastor.He knew every single person in church.He also stood out by the door after the service shaking everyone 's hand .But what I was most impressed with is their children ministry.
Afterwards,joey was invited to speak at a Baccaleaurate.I don't really know what that was about but it had something to do with the high school graduates from all the local churches.He did a speec h about them going out into the world and keeping their faith.If anyone knows exactly what that is please let me know.Probably Barb knows.
We had lunch and by then it was time to pack and go catch my train.The ride back was very uneventful and ahead of schedule by 25 minutes.I spent my ride back thinking and missing the little hometown where I just left.
Everytime I visit Joey I end up really like the small town atmosphere.I tell myself if Avon ever closed or moved I'm selling the house and moving out there like Clinton,Dolton or somewhere similiar.
So everyone that was my weekend and I hope all of you had a great one too.
Joey Trip Day 2
Joey Trip Day 2
- Its like 2:30 pm and already I'm exhausted .Joey and I went for a hike in the woods which reminded me very much of Ted's walk down to the beach! I'm not kidding.I almost died!!!!
Now I'm so tired and ready for a nap.We went around the lake and when we finally saw the finish line what was there to prevent us from crossing it? GEESE HISSING! WITH THEIR YOUNG! HISSING!We couldn't get through.Joey was very bold picking up a stick to chase them away but their necks get very long and stretched out when they Are ready to attack.
The geese won and we had to backtrack and go around.Nature always wins.I told him I never want to see this LAKE CLINTON again.Hey Lake Clinton!?Joey is like lets tell babcia we're on Lake Bush.
We had lunch at this pizza buffet place{sort of like CICI'S} and I had spaghetti and he had the pizza buffet.We went to Walmart and a grocery store called IGA'S.Bought this cute little sundress for Hannah and a wild T-shirt for Tim.Joey got a shirt too.
Right now we're at his office but we plan on going to see SHREK FOREVER!!!.Then its back home and a deserved NAP.
Last night we ended up playing games like BOGGLE,BATTLESHIP,CONNECT FOUR and SORRY.Hey I know why they call it SORRY because you never get to finish the stinking game!We just gave up.
I didn't say but I really love his apartment.Cute and adorable.Just right for one person.I want one just like this one.I also shouldn't say but Joey really doesn't know how to make coffee.You should have tasted what he made me the first time.No matter how much creamer you put in it, it was MUD.
He tried once more and this time it came out a little better but quite frankly I haven't had a good cup here yet----------------wait a minute,yes I did at AVANTI'S.
I did get a very,very ,extremely good foot rub last night! P.S.I used to get such lovely foot rubs and then he got married. Now he says I need permission from his wife !
Joey Trip Day 1
Sunday mornings , we are up early enjoying the warmth and laziness of our beds . The only day of the week reserved for church and sunday school , it's a day we spend as a family . Today , I'm thinking of my eldest , now a married man . There have been numerous weekends spent visiting him in his "bachelor " days . Let me share with you one of those weekends as my mind goes back..........
Joey Trip Day 1
Hi all !
My Joey trip started out in an unexpected rush.Henry called me like 5:38am wondering if I was ready to then.My train wasn't leaving until 9:25 am from Union station.I think he was up feeding Brianna then.
So we ended up getting there like 7:30am.Which was fine with me.The train left on time but we ended up stopping so many times that I was late 90 minutes!!!!!! First, it was other trains needing to pass by,then it was the signal not working,then we had engine troubles.......I could on and on.
But I didn't mind.I read a little,did some puzzles and looked out my window at God's Glory!!.We have such a beautiful ,beautiful world and we don't even appreciate it.I looked out the window and there in Pontiac,Illinois was there a huge huge black clouds overhead.It was coming down real hard and yet to me the sky looked so beautiful.The power of God was out there.I felt like I could reach out and touch those dark clouds.How powerful he is!!!!
When I finally got there I was very hungry so we ended up going to this place called AVANTI'S.Had a turkey sandwich and a cup of clam chowder soup.
Afterwards,we went to his church so I could look at their sunday school ministry for the children.They had a separate building with many classes with the pastors offices also being there.Each classroom had their own wall murial for the kids to draw on.
Need to go to walmart and get some supplies because the boy has no sugar! How am I to enjoy a cup of coffee? He wants to play trivia and family games at home in the evening and I want to go for a walk.Maybe we can do both!!!!
Until tomorrow people!
My Joey trip started out in an unexpected rush.Henry called me like 5:38am wondering if I was ready to then.My train wasn't leaving until 9:25 am from Union station.I think he was up feeding Brianna then.
So we ended up getting there like 7:30am.Which was fine with me.The train left on time but we ended up stopping so many times that I was late 90 minutes!!!!!! First, it was other trains needing to pass by,then it was the signal not working,then we had engine troubles.......I could on and on.
But I didn't mind.I read a little,did some puzzles and looked out my window at God's Glory!!.We have such a beautiful ,beautiful world and we don't even appreciate it.I looked out the window and there in Pontiac,Illinois was there a huge huge black clouds overhead.It was coming down real hard and yet to me the sky looked so beautiful.The power of God was out there.I felt like I could reach out and touch those dark clouds.How powerful he is!!!!
When I finally got there I was very hungry so we ended up going to this place called AVANTI'S.Had a turkey sandwich and a cup of clam chowder soup.
Afterwards,we went to his church so I could look at their sunday school ministry for the children.They had a separate building with many classes with the pastors offices also being there.Each classroom had their own wall murial for the kids to draw on.
Need to go to walmart and get some supplies because the boy has no sugar! How am I to enjoy a cup of coffee? He wants to play trivia and family games at home in the evening and I want to go for a walk.Maybe we can do both!!!!
Until tomorrow people!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
The Morning After
Remember the gluttony weekend ? Well , it's the morning after and I've been sick all week paying for it . Too much too soon . The eyes were bigger , much bigger , than the recovery . Secluding myself while the hangover of too much wore off , the world didn't stop turning . It kept on spinning . E-mails still kept rolling in ...all 238 of them . Haven't checked the voicemails yet . Housework piled up right along with the dishes . All my facebook games put on a shelf for a whole five days!!!! The requests , I don't even want to think about .
Was my gluttony weekend worth it ? I'm still asking myself that . In a few days , I might see things differently and give you a different answer . For now , I'm undecided because that Olive Garden was pretty darn great . The aftermath ? Wasn't .
While going through a difficult time we swear to never again but the minute things turn rosy ..........well , maybe . . . . just once .
In a way , It's the morning after in alot of things in my life . The morning after chemo .....after staying home for almost 6 months . ......after having my life put on hold . But these are good morning after things . Am I excited ? No , I'm scared . But it can only get better . I have to think of it as a brand new start and everyone always wants a new start , don't they ?
Was my gluttony weekend worth it ? I'm still asking myself that . In a few days , I might see things differently and give you a different answer . For now , I'm undecided because that Olive Garden was pretty darn great . The aftermath ? Wasn't .
While going through a difficult time we swear to never again but the minute things turn rosy ..........well , maybe . . . . just once .
In a way , It's the morning after in alot of things in my life . The morning after chemo .....after staying home for almost 6 months . ......after having my life put on hold . But these are good morning after things . Am I excited ? No , I'm scared . But it can only get better . I have to think of it as a brand new start and everyone always wants a new start , don't they ?
Friday, February 24, 2012
That Dreaded Journey
Drove in all that slush this morning to that dreaded appointment........my doctor's appointment . In the past 5 years I have made this journey countless of times . Never had I hated it as much as I do now . My stomache in knots . .. . my blood pressure high......stressed out beyond anything . Stopped for a coffee just to calm my nerves and my trembling belly . For sure I will vomit .
I know what is causing my anxiety . The unknown . Waiting for the other shoe to drop . When will that dreaded cancer come back again . Lord knows , I don't want to go through this yet again and I know I will have to .Is it even gone asleep for now . I have yet another appointment for another scan to determine that .
Will I be feeling this anxiety everytime I go for a checkup ? Will it ever ease up? Surely as time goes on my defenses will drop and I will relax ? All these questions are running through my head and I'm tired .
Even Linda has had enough already . Just saw her at our churches potluck dinner . She looked so very tired . Here I am complaining . At least , I am done with it for now . She is still going through treatment and she started way before me . She is stage 4 and she cries everytime she has to go .
Although , Linda has hair . She took off her wig and showed me her very dark hair .She went from blonde to dark and I was envious . . . .. in a good way . I want hair and I don't care what color it is . I just want hair .
I know what is causing my anxiety . The unknown . Waiting for the other shoe to drop . When will that dreaded cancer come back again . Lord knows , I don't want to go through this yet again and I know I will have to .Is it even gone asleep for now . I have yet another appointment for another scan to determine that .
Will I be feeling this anxiety everytime I go for a checkup ? Will it ever ease up? Surely as time goes on my defenses will drop and I will relax ? All these questions are running through my head and I'm tired .
Even Linda has had enough already . Just saw her at our churches potluck dinner . She looked so very tired . Here I am complaining . At least , I am done with it for now . She is still going through treatment and she started way before me . She is stage 4 and she cries everytime she has to go .
Although , Linda has hair . She took off her wig and showed me her very dark hair .She went from blonde to dark and I was envious . . . .. in a good way . I want hair and I don't care what color it is . I just want hair .
How Do I Do Sad ?
Do you have a someone who loves you regardless ? Someone whose love you never question . It is written on their every gesture , every expression , in their every fluid movement . I am not talking about a lover's love but of a love a person has for another being . It is a sexless love .
I visited one of my favorite people who loves me like that . She is a woman in her middle 80"s and I have known her since I was 7 years old . That's over 40 years .....40 years . She has always had vibrant red hair and has been wildly eccentric . To some people she may be viewed as a kooky old broad but to me she has always been magnificent .
As a child , I would visit her along with my mom . She would serve tea or coffee in the afternoon along with a cake of some sorts . I considered this highly grand ! There I sat next to her , eating my cake and drinking my tea , as she told story upon story of her life . From her capture by the Nazi and placed in a workers camp , to her marriage and motherhood . I couldn't get enough . To me , her life was exciting . To me , SHE was magnificent .
As I sat in her living room this week , I noticed she looked everyone of her 80 odd years . She is aging and I can't bear it . How do I do sad ? It is heartbreaking to me that this woman who has treated me better than a daughter , who has a special place in her heart just for me , who has never said an unkind word or reprimanded me . . . . . . . . . her health is failing .
She represents my childhood . She represents the good in my childhood . On her fingers she wears many rings but these rings are not of sapphire or diamond . No , her rings are colorful ,wild and eccentric like her . They are coral , opal , tigers eye , lapis .. . ......she gave me the tigers eye in memory of her . I wear it almost everyday . I am the daughter she always wanted .
I visited one of my favorite people who loves me like that . She is a woman in her middle 80"s and I have known her since I was 7 years old . That's over 40 years .....40 years . She has always had vibrant red hair and has been wildly eccentric . To some people she may be viewed as a kooky old broad but to me she has always been magnificent .
As a child , I would visit her along with my mom . She would serve tea or coffee in the afternoon along with a cake of some sorts . I considered this highly grand ! There I sat next to her , eating my cake and drinking my tea , as she told story upon story of her life . From her capture by the Nazi and placed in a workers camp , to her marriage and motherhood . I couldn't get enough . To me , her life was exciting . To me , SHE was magnificent .
As I sat in her living room this week , I noticed she looked everyone of her 80 odd years . She is aging and I can't bear it . How do I do sad ? It is heartbreaking to me that this woman who has treated me better than a daughter , who has a special place in her heart just for me , who has never said an unkind word or reprimanded me . . . . . . . . . her health is failing .
She represents my childhood . She represents the good in my childhood . On her fingers she wears many rings but these rings are not of sapphire or diamond . No , her rings are colorful ,wild and eccentric like her . They are coral , opal , tigers eye , lapis .. . ......she gave me the tigers eye in memory of her . I wear it almost everyday . I am the daughter she always wanted .
Thursday, February 23, 2012
My Spiritual Testimony
Today in bible study , we spoke of planting seeds in others . I thought of my own seed that was planted years ago. Here is a story I wrote in the early stages of my planted seed.
My Spiritual Testimony
My Spiritual Testimony
Today, in church, I sat there and reflected on my love for GOD.I felt such profound peace and love inside me.
I never would have thought it possible for me to love being in church let alone looking for Sunday to come.Never have I thought I would be so fulfilled and sated spiritually.I, am not bored in church.I love going to church and the best part ...I could stay there for hours.I can't even believe I am saying this.
There are times that Sunday can't come fast enough for me because I NEED to go to church.So I sat there and thought to myself how much I have grown.It reminded me of psalm 116
I love the Lord,for He heard my voice
He heard my cry for mercy
because He turned His ear to me
I will call on Him as long as I live
the cords of death entangled me
the anguish of the grave came upon me
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow
then I called on the name of the Lord
O Lord,save me!!
That's what I was thinking about in church today.I couldn't think of one prayer request to make today because all I could feel is praise for Him.Today it was all about gratitude.
We had an altar call.An altar call for those who want to deepen their relationship with Christ.As I stood there and looked around,half the church was at the altar and I felt tears because I thought to myself everyone must be feeling what I am.
If there was one thing ,one wish that I would make for everyone is that they would experience that spiritual fulfillment that I feel .
I never would have thought it possible for me to love being in church let alone looking for Sunday to come.Never have I thought I would be so fulfilled and sated spiritually.I, am not bored in church.I love going to church and the best part ...I could stay there for hours.I can't even believe I am saying this.
There are times that Sunday can't come fast enough for me because I NEED to go to church.So I sat there and thought to myself how much I have grown.It reminded me of psalm 116
I love the Lord,for He heard my voice
He heard my cry for mercy
because He turned His ear to me
I will call on Him as long as I live
the cords of death entangled me
the anguish of the grave came upon me
I was overcome by trouble and sorrow
then I called on the name of the Lord
O Lord,save me!!
That's what I was thinking about in church today.I couldn't think of one prayer request to make today because all I could feel is praise for Him.Today it was all about gratitude.
We had an altar call.An altar call for those who want to deepen their relationship with Christ.As I stood there and looked around,half the church was at the altar and I felt tears because I thought to myself everyone must be feeling what I am.
If there was one thing ,one wish that I would make for everyone is that they would experience that spiritual fulfillment that I feel .
The Countdown Begins
After setting a goal of returning to work soon , I find myself rushing with a list of things to accomplish in preparation of the big event . Yes , the big event . Returning to work is a huge deal for me . The obvious reason , of course , signaling the end of this illness......for now . The ordeal is over . . . . for now .
A few weeks back , I was at the fruit market when I looked across the produce to find a fellow male co-worker with his wife . Trying to meet his eyes to send a nod in acknowledgememt only to find him staring blankly at me. Throughout the store I ran into him and again no sign of recognition .
Driving home , with my mom , I asked her if I had changed that much in the last 6 months . After telling her what happened , she remarked , "honey he is a man and you have no hair".I didn't believe that . I didn't pass this man in the hallways of Avon. I worked with him daily . I would give him instructions for the night of things he needed to get done . I joked with him .
He didn't recognize me because I have changed . Hair or no hair. I have gained weight . My face appears bigger ,almost swollen-like . No eyelashes.....yes , I definitely look different . I left a different person and I'm coming back a stranger .
With the countdown fast approaching I'm running a little scared . What will they think of me ? How will they react when they see me ? Last time , I was really afraid , too . My big thing then was the scarves and when I came back to work noone made any remark about them . No matter how much we deny this but we do care what people say and think about us .
Another thing , I'm worried about is if I can handle the pressure . I'm a different person internally now , too . I have been told before ( after my first return ) that I appeared calmer and more at peace . That's true but now I'm almost mellow . My job involves confrontations . Management tells me what to do and I tell the people in my department . They get upset , they yell, curse ,threaten and I don't blame them . Who else will listen to their complaints ? Management is management like in any corporation . Money talks . At all costs . Here is my list of what I need done and they don't care how I get it done ....just do it. I don't know if I'm cut out for that anymore . I want peace not a fight every night . I wonder if eveyone feels like this after an illness?
RETRACTION
I have a retraction to make. The other night I get a text from my son informing me that he has looked at that scrapbook , okay? And he has read my blog...occassionally . I tell him ,"that's okay son.When I'm dead you will appreciate it". " Yes, mom .when you're dead ". Yep, that's my boy.Yep, I raised him.
A few weeks back , I was at the fruit market when I looked across the produce to find a fellow male co-worker with his wife . Trying to meet his eyes to send a nod in acknowledgememt only to find him staring blankly at me. Throughout the store I ran into him and again no sign of recognition .
Driving home , with my mom , I asked her if I had changed that much in the last 6 months . After telling her what happened , she remarked , "honey he is a man and you have no hair".I didn't believe that . I didn't pass this man in the hallways of Avon. I worked with him daily . I would give him instructions for the night of things he needed to get done . I joked with him .
He didn't recognize me because I have changed . Hair or no hair. I have gained weight . My face appears bigger ,almost swollen-like . No eyelashes.....yes , I definitely look different . I left a different person and I'm coming back a stranger .
With the countdown fast approaching I'm running a little scared . What will they think of me ? How will they react when they see me ? Last time , I was really afraid , too . My big thing then was the scarves and when I came back to work noone made any remark about them . No matter how much we deny this but we do care what people say and think about us .
Another thing , I'm worried about is if I can handle the pressure . I'm a different person internally now , too . I have been told before ( after my first return ) that I appeared calmer and more at peace . That's true but now I'm almost mellow . My job involves confrontations . Management tells me what to do and I tell the people in my department . They get upset , they yell, curse ,threaten and I don't blame them . Who else will listen to their complaints ? Management is management like in any corporation . Money talks . At all costs . Here is my list of what I need done and they don't care how I get it done ....just do it. I don't know if I'm cut out for that anymore . I want peace not a fight every night . I wonder if eveyone feels like this after an illness?
RETRACTION
I have a retraction to make. The other night I get a text from my son informing me that he has looked at that scrapbook , okay? And he has read my blog...occassionally . I tell him ,"that's okay son.When I'm dead you will appreciate it". " Yes, mom .when you're dead ". Yep, that's my boy.Yep, I raised him.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
A Day Of Gluttony
Yesterday , I had quite a busy day of gluttony . After almost 6 months of having no taste buds and nothing but nausea , I had 3 dates to dinner .
Actually , one of them was lunch at 11am . My girlfriends , were taking me out to lunch to celebrate the end of chemo . Then I'm off to mom's for a family dinner at 4pm.At 630pm , we have fellowship potluck dinner at church . Having a daughter who is quite anti social , it fills my heart with joy that she just loves all church activities especially this one. She does the cooking and everything . Tonight , she is making mostaciolli( I think I misspelled that ). Me? I'm looking forward to the hotdogs .
My gluttony began last night as Emily and I went out to dinner at the Olive Garden .I don't know if it was the fact that I haven't enjoyed food in a long time or what but.......it was the best meal I have ever , ever tasted .
We started out with fried zucchini, fried mozzarella and stuffed mushrooms. I love mushrooms . My soup was pasta fagioli ...had a little kick to it . Salad tossed in italian dressing with breadsticks . I had chicken marsala and Emily had eggplant parmesan. No dessert.
Emily threatened to leave if I didn't stop having my food orgasm in front of everyone . She was extremely embarrassed.
By the time evening fell and we were at Connections , a deep fatigue overtook me . Could hardly keep my eyes open . Linda was there and she was very tired herself . I may be done with my chemo but she still was undergoing treatment . I want everyone to pray for my dear friend because her body is getting real worn out . The amount of treatment she has received outweighs mine totally . Plus she watches her small , 4 month granddaughter . God Bless her .
Last night , I had a great day but I also learned that my body is not where it should be .More on this subject tomorrow. Enjoy your Sunday everyone .
Friday, February 17, 2012
Mercy , Mercy Final Chapter
Anxiously , I sign into my checking account like I have done numerous times these past 7 weeks . Will it finally be there ?
I have learned so much these past months . Emily and I have grown even closer if that's possible . Aubrey is more of a daughter than an in-law . My son , Joe , a grown man with a family . I'm so proud of him . Hannah and Tim , my grandkids . Who cares that their blood is not mine . I feel like they're mine. I love them like they're mine .Even like the darn cat , Diamond, who 's cat litter is always spilling over . Messy cat!!!
These people are my life . They are the reason I'm living . These past months we have strenghtened our relationships and learned to accept each other's faults . I wouldn't change any part of this journey . Well , maybe just those darn disability people . Poof they're gone !!!
This cancer will most likely come back again . Who cares if it does . It doesn't define me . It's a small part of me . These people will always love me .
Did that check finally come in ? Didn't I say I prayed to God to provide for me ? Didn't I say I asked Him to teach me trust ? What do you think ? You better believe it . God is good.....all the time .
I have learned so much these past months . Emily and I have grown even closer if that's possible . Aubrey is more of a daughter than an in-law . My son , Joe , a grown man with a family . I'm so proud of him . Hannah and Tim , my grandkids . Who cares that their blood is not mine . I feel like they're mine. I love them like they're mine .Even like the darn cat , Diamond, who 's cat litter is always spilling over . Messy cat!!!
These people are my life . They are the reason I'm living . These past months we have strenghtened our relationships and learned to accept each other's faults . I wouldn't change any part of this journey . Well , maybe just those darn disability people . Poof they're gone !!!
This cancer will most likely come back again . Who cares if it does . It doesn't define me . It's a small part of me . These people will always love me .
Did that check finally come in ? Didn't I say I prayed to God to provide for me ? Didn't I say I asked Him to teach me trust ? What do you think ? You better believe it . God is good.....all the time .
Mercy , Mercy Part 2
As I hung up the phone with my case manager from disability , a warm calm overtook my body. I will not speak to this woman again . I have asked this woman the same question at least 4 times , if not more , I'm still waiting for an answer . All I get are vague answers that have nothing to do with anything .
It amazes me the audaucity of healthcare , disability , insurance , you name it , in this country . They are rude , incompetent , uncaring , unprofessional and a few other things that I can't repeat but I am thinking it !!You want to go crazy ......call one of them up . I honestly believe their whole purpose is not to provide a service to you during your health issue but drive you so insane and broke that you will return to work regardless if you are healed or not . It is a shame that people have to deal with this sort of crap instead of focusing on getting better .
After this phonecall , I just gave up . My mouth is open but no sound is coming out . I am speechless . I prayed to God to provide for me because it's been 7 weeks and I haven't received my pay . I'm done with these people . They can go aggravate somebody else .
Yesterday , as I got out of my car , there lay a penny on the ground . I picked it up. Thank you , Jesus . Went into the store and bought Emily a giant Reeses for a dollar plus tax as a treat . Her one year anniversary at work . My change ? Three quarters . I smiled , now I can do a load of laundry . God is good . With two dollars in my wallet and another 30 in my checking ......I'm done stressing . God will provide for me . I will not allow these people to stress me out any longer .
Surprisingly , the rest of the week was great . Mercy me.....
It amazes me the audaucity of healthcare , disability , insurance , you name it , in this country . They are rude , incompetent , uncaring , unprofessional and a few other things that I can't repeat but I am thinking it !!You want to go crazy ......call one of them up . I honestly believe their whole purpose is not to provide a service to you during your health issue but drive you so insane and broke that you will return to work regardless if you are healed or not . It is a shame that people have to deal with this sort of crap instead of focusing on getting better .
After this phonecall , I just gave up . My mouth is open but no sound is coming out . I am speechless . I prayed to God to provide for me because it's been 7 weeks and I haven't received my pay . I'm done with these people . They can go aggravate somebody else .
Yesterday , as I got out of my car , there lay a penny on the ground . I picked it up. Thank you , Jesus . Went into the store and bought Emily a giant Reeses for a dollar plus tax as a treat . Her one year anniversary at work . My change ? Three quarters . I smiled , now I can do a load of laundry . God is good . With two dollars in my wallet and another 30 in my checking ......I'm done stressing . God will provide for me . I will not allow these people to stress me out any longer .
Surprisingly , the rest of the week was great . Mercy me.....
Mercy , Mercy Part 1
" When we ask God to help us with something like gaining patience , make sure you ask Him for Mercy first ." That was something my Pastor preached about one Sunday many , many months ago . I can still see him in my mind standing and smiling at the pulpit .
Every New Year , I make a resolution of a different sort . I choose something that I want to personally work on like family relationships , finances and last year I chose to work on my trust issues with God . I asked Him to help me learn to trust Him completely .
The first half of the year , I skipped about , smiling . Life was beautiful . I was literally in LALA LAND . Why not ? He giveth .You want to learn Trust , Lottie ? He taketh away . I had no idea what I was asking Him . Like a Lamb to slaughter I nodded , yes , teach me trust .
My finances took a nosedive . My health went AWOL . My car just wanted to die . Everything I touched turned sour . Do you trust me , Lottie ? I cried like a sissy the whole six months . I lived on the brink of stress , dollar to dollar , bill to bill not knowing whether I'd be able to pay my rent . Disability and I spoke a different language it seems . Red tape everywhere . If I didn't wait a month to get paid , then I waited 7 weeks instead . I don't think I got regular paycheck the whole 6 months .
For the grace of God go I . Do you trust me , Lottie ? Okay , but , is it too late to ask for Mercy ?
Every New Year , I make a resolution of a different sort . I choose something that I want to personally work on like family relationships , finances and last year I chose to work on my trust issues with God . I asked Him to help me learn to trust Him completely .
The first half of the year , I skipped about , smiling . Life was beautiful . I was literally in LALA LAND . Why not ? He giveth .You want to learn Trust , Lottie ? He taketh away . I had no idea what I was asking Him . Like a Lamb to slaughter I nodded , yes , teach me trust .
My finances took a nosedive . My health went AWOL . My car just wanted to die . Everything I touched turned sour . Do you trust me , Lottie ? I cried like a sissy the whole six months . I lived on the brink of stress , dollar to dollar , bill to bill not knowing whether I'd be able to pay my rent . Disability and I spoke a different language it seems . Red tape everywhere . If I didn't wait a month to get paid , then I waited 7 weeks instead . I don't think I got regular paycheck the whole 6 months .
For the grace of God go I . Do you trust me , Lottie ? Okay , but , is it too late to ask for Mercy ?
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
A Scrapbook Of Memories
Not too long ago , someone mentioned I should write down memories for my children . What a great idea !!!! Right away , I thought of Christmas and scrapbooks !!! Went to the store to purchase a scrapbook kit . Stood there for what seemed like hours trying to decide on the right one .
Chose a specific night to start this exciting project . So I pull out all my pictures all over my bed . Get all my art supplies and colorful paper . Yeah , I'm ready . The room looks like a disaster , but I'm ready .
Every picture brings a smile , a memory and a tear . Who wouldn't cry ? This is your life . Excitedly , I start to imagine the look on their face when they open it up . How we will gather around like a family with me sitting in the armchair surrounded by them . The laughs we will share as we look at every single picture and caption . Exclaiming .......remember when .......wasn't that fun ........we should do that again .....the good ole times .........oh , mom , this was the best idea .
I worked on that scrapbook for three days way into the wee hours of the morning . So much love was put in that scrapbook . So much imagination . So much daydreaming on my part .
That Norman Rockwell scene in my head ? It never happened . Ask my son if he has even looked at the scrapbook ....yet . My daughter told me not to start her scrapbook because her life hasn't started yet . I should wait until she gets married first . Well , at that rate , I'll be dead .
Where are those Norman Rockwell kids ? Oh , yeah , in my imagination .
Chose a specific night to start this exciting project . So I pull out all my pictures all over my bed . Get all my art supplies and colorful paper . Yeah , I'm ready . The room looks like a disaster , but I'm ready .
Every picture brings a smile , a memory and a tear . Who wouldn't cry ? This is your life . Excitedly , I start to imagine the look on their face when they open it up . How we will gather around like a family with me sitting in the armchair surrounded by them . The laughs we will share as we look at every single picture and caption . Exclaiming .......remember when .......wasn't that fun ........we should do that again .....the good ole times .........oh , mom , this was the best idea .
I worked on that scrapbook for three days way into the wee hours of the morning . So much love was put in that scrapbook . So much imagination . So much daydreaming on my part .
That Norman Rockwell scene in my head ? It never happened . Ask my son if he has even looked at the scrapbook ....yet . My daughter told me not to start her scrapbook because her life hasn't started yet . I should wait until she gets married first . Well , at that rate , I'll be dead .
Where are those Norman Rockwell kids ? Oh , yeah , in my imagination .
Call For Bootie
My bucket list number 10 : booties for St. Jude's .
I have written about this twice before so I'm sure you're all familiar on this subject . Originally , the idea came from two years ago while stumbling upon a Telethon for St. Jude's . I noticed something right away about that hospital . . . . .the children were wheeled about in red wagons and there was alot of color and brightness . They wanted to make it as pleasant of an experience for these children as possible . I have spent time in the hospital and it becomes a second home . The medical staff becomes your family . Even now , every doctor's office and hospital feels like home to me .
Immeditately , my mind was racing on what I could do for them . At first , I thought of blankets but dismissed it because I would not make enough blankets for every child . It had to be something plausible ........accessible .........easy and quick .........booties . The hospital gives you these socks for your feet , why not colorful booties for the kids to wear .
Like alot of things in my life , it gets pushed to the side because I always take on more than I could chew . Why ? I don't know . Maybe because I never want to become that person who says they are bored and sit staring out the window ........lonely .....wondering why my children don't visit more often . I refuse to be lonely . That must be my secret fear inside . So I believe in keeping busy .
Around Christmas , a family at my church read my blog and all chipped in for a huge basket of yarn so I can realize my dream . There is something about making an annoucement to the world and others hold you accountable . This is one reason , that at my church when you get Baptized , you stand before the entire congregation and tell your Testimony and why you chose to be Baptized . Once you say it , people will hold you accountable .
Once I realized that now I'm going to have to make those booties , I panicked . You see, I never made a bootie before . It took three different versions of bootie making before I finally found and learnt how to make one . Believe me , I was panicky there for awhile before I did .
Another thing I'm worried about is that St. Jude won't want them . You see , I made these blankets that I wanted to give away to at Christmas to a nursing home for the people who didn't have anywhere to go . Message after message and noone to this day ever got back to us . I guess, they were to plain for them ? My son's church ended up taking them to a nursing home in their neighborhood . What if the same thing happens here. I'm excited and no one else is . I'm willing to take a chance .
P.S.
This mornings walk was quite pleasant . I liked it . :)
I have written about this twice before so I'm sure you're all familiar on this subject . Originally , the idea came from two years ago while stumbling upon a Telethon for St. Jude's . I noticed something right away about that hospital . . . . .the children were wheeled about in red wagons and there was alot of color and brightness . They wanted to make it as pleasant of an experience for these children as possible . I have spent time in the hospital and it becomes a second home . The medical staff becomes your family . Even now , every doctor's office and hospital feels like home to me .
Immeditately , my mind was racing on what I could do for them . At first , I thought of blankets but dismissed it because I would not make enough blankets for every child . It had to be something plausible ........accessible .........easy and quick .........booties . The hospital gives you these socks for your feet , why not colorful booties for the kids to wear .
Like alot of things in my life , it gets pushed to the side because I always take on more than I could chew . Why ? I don't know . Maybe because I never want to become that person who says they are bored and sit staring out the window ........lonely .....wondering why my children don't visit more often . I refuse to be lonely . That must be my secret fear inside . So I believe in keeping busy .
Around Christmas , a family at my church read my blog and all chipped in for a huge basket of yarn so I can realize my dream . There is something about making an annoucement to the world and others hold you accountable . This is one reason , that at my church when you get Baptized , you stand before the entire congregation and tell your Testimony and why you chose to be Baptized . Once you say it , people will hold you accountable .
Once I realized that now I'm going to have to make those booties , I panicked . You see, I never made a bootie before . It took three different versions of bootie making before I finally found and learnt how to make one . Believe me , I was panicky there for awhile before I did .
Another thing I'm worried about is that St. Jude won't want them . You see , I made these blankets that I wanted to give away to at Christmas to a nursing home for the people who didn't have anywhere to go . Message after message and noone to this day ever got back to us . I guess, they were to plain for them ? My son's church ended up taking them to a nursing home in their neighborhood . What if the same thing happens here. I'm excited and no one else is . I'm willing to take a chance .
P.S.
This mornings walk was quite pleasant . I liked it . :)
Monday, February 13, 2012
I Took A Walk Today
Bucket List Number 3 : I want to be a runner .
Every night I tell myself that I will get up at crack of dawn and start running . Every night I go through this but when morning comes something always changes my mind . Wait a minute . ....I know what it is ...... it's laziness . Pure and simple . Laziness .
This morning , while driving Emily to work , I decided to take a walk afterwards to start me off in a slow way towards running . Just around the block , I tell myself , baby steps . Driving back , I imagine myself breathing in the fresh air and admiring the beauty around me . I'm so going to enjoy this walk .
I used to walk with my mom every night after supper during summer , years ago . The kids were small and would ride their bikes or roller blade ahead of us . Those were the good ole days . My mom doesn't like to walk anymore . She's worse than a two year old when it comes to walking . She can maybe do a block and complains the whole time . She doesn't want to see nature ....she wants to watch it on T.V.
So how did my walk go ? Well , first of all , it was freezing cold . My butt froze . My calves were hurting . I didn't see any beauty except the gray , cold morning and smelled the exhaust fumes from all the cars warming up . So much for fresh air . I didn't see any birds singing . They were too busy trying to stay warm up in their nests .
All I could think about was to get home as fast as possible and take a hot , very hot , bath . This is going to be so much harder than I realized . But ........I took that first step . Tomorrow will be so much easier and who knows maybe I'll actually sprint for a block ? Hey , I'm fat . What can I say ?
Every night I tell myself that I will get up at crack of dawn and start running . Every night I go through this but when morning comes something always changes my mind . Wait a minute . ....I know what it is ...... it's laziness . Pure and simple . Laziness .
This morning , while driving Emily to work , I decided to take a walk afterwards to start me off in a slow way towards running . Just around the block , I tell myself , baby steps . Driving back , I imagine myself breathing in the fresh air and admiring the beauty around me . I'm so going to enjoy this walk .
I used to walk with my mom every night after supper during summer , years ago . The kids were small and would ride their bikes or roller blade ahead of us . Those were the good ole days . My mom doesn't like to walk anymore . She's worse than a two year old when it comes to walking . She can maybe do a block and complains the whole time . She doesn't want to see nature ....she wants to watch it on T.V.
So how did my walk go ? Well , first of all , it was freezing cold . My butt froze . My calves were hurting . I didn't see any beauty except the gray , cold morning and smelled the exhaust fumes from all the cars warming up . So much for fresh air . I didn't see any birds singing . They were too busy trying to stay warm up in their nests .
All I could think about was to get home as fast as possible and take a hot , very hot , bath . This is going to be so much harder than I realized . But ........I took that first step . Tomorrow will be so much easier and who knows maybe I'll actually sprint for a block ? Hey , I'm fat . What can I say ?
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Waiting On God
As Christians , we all have our paths and levels of spirituality that we're on . We all have something we are struggling with . Mine has always been " waiting on God " . This , for me , is the most difficult . I do battle everyday with " waiting on God " .
I start out very well , with the best of intentions , full of perserverance . I will be patient ....I will be good....I will perservere . By day 3 , I'm tired of waiting and frustrated I yell out to God ,"okay show me a sign ." I go into a depression and start all over again by the end of the week . There is a pattern here . I want results fast .....now.....or just show me a sign that I will get it . Sometimes , I wonder if my plan is God's plan .
My son is great at this . He is very confident with waiting on God . No matter what it is that is happening in his life he knows he is on the right path . Many times , even when things looked bleak , I would ask him , are you sure , son ? Yes , God wants this for me .
Do you know what I think he has that I don't ? He has passion . My son will pray and pray and pray fervently , Lord , I want this because I know you want this for me !! Me ? Well , I sit here and wait on God to do things for me . I'm waiting Lord . He should know what's in my heart . If I don't get it it's because it's not meant for me .
Maybe He wants to see a passion in us ..... a passion for Him ......a passion for life itself . How badly do you want this ? Will it change your life ?
I start out very well , with the best of intentions , full of perserverance . I will be patient ....I will be good....I will perservere . By day 3 , I'm tired of waiting and frustrated I yell out to God ,"okay show me a sign ." I go into a depression and start all over again by the end of the week . There is a pattern here . I want results fast .....now.....or just show me a sign that I will get it . Sometimes , I wonder if my plan is God's plan .
My son is great at this . He is very confident with waiting on God . No matter what it is that is happening in his life he knows he is on the right path . Many times , even when things looked bleak , I would ask him , are you sure , son ? Yes , God wants this for me .
Do you know what I think he has that I don't ? He has passion . My son will pray and pray and pray fervently , Lord , I want this because I know you want this for me !! Me ? Well , I sit here and wait on God to do things for me . I'm waiting Lord . He should know what's in my heart . If I don't get it it's because it's not meant for me .
Maybe He wants to see a passion in us ..... a passion for Him ......a passion for life itself . How badly do you want this ? Will it change your life ?
My Bucket List
Everyone should have a bucket list . We all need goals to keep going . Here is my bucket list .
1. first of all , I want to have a relationship with every single person in my life
Have you ever been to a funeral of someone whom you didn't like ? I have . I had no good
memories of this person . They were miserable and I certainly want noone to feel like that
at my funeral .
2. I want to go back to school
3. I want to be a runner
This is extremely hard for me . Running is not my thing but I figured if all those people on
The Biggest Loser can do it so can I
4. I want to travel by car to Florida to see the scenery with my mom
5. I want to go to Las Vegas and just play .
6. I want to go on a cruise
7. I want to move to the country
That's the life for me
8. I want to go on a Women Of Faith seminar
9. I want to go to lectures
10. I want to make booties for St . Judes Hospital
started that one already. So far , 81 booties made
11. I want to use the sleeping car on a train .
1. first of all , I want to have a relationship with every single person in my life
Have you ever been to a funeral of someone whom you didn't like ? I have . I had no good
memories of this person . They were miserable and I certainly want noone to feel like that
at my funeral .
2. I want to go back to school
3. I want to be a runner
This is extremely hard for me . Running is not my thing but I figured if all those people on
The Biggest Loser can do it so can I
4. I want to travel by car to Florida to see the scenery with my mom
5. I want to go to Las Vegas and just play .
6. I want to go on a cruise
7. I want to move to the country
That's the life for me
8. I want to go on a Women Of Faith seminar
9. I want to go to lectures
10. I want to make booties for St . Judes Hospital
started that one already. So far , 81 booties made
11. I want to use the sleeping car on a train .
Saturday, February 11, 2012
A Good Use Of Time
Chatting with an old friend today , they asked me what I've been doing with myself all of these months . I wasn't offended by this question . I thought it was a great question to ask . Technically , all of us are here on a journey and we should be continuously growing in our faith , our spirituality and in our well being . Unfortunately , not all of us learn the first time . Sometimes , we need to experience things over and over again .
That wasn't really what set me off thinking . I know where I've been and what I've experienced . To me , the real question was , what am I doing now ? One thing for sure , my first journey left me afraid to make plans and this time ? Well , I want to make nothing but plans . I definitely don't intend on putting my life on hold and tiptoeing around this cancer . When it comes back , well , I'll deal with it just like I dealt with it now .
That's not to say that I've learned everything to learn from this cancer . Most likely , when it comes back there will be another lesson for me . But I do know I want to live out my life . No more fears overcoming me . I want to experience it all . I'm not living in fear anymore .
I have my very own bucket list and I plan on checking off some things . So what am I doing now with my life ? I'm living it .
That wasn't really what set me off thinking . I know where I've been and what I've experienced . To me , the real question was , what am I doing now ? One thing for sure , my first journey left me afraid to make plans and this time ? Well , I want to make nothing but plans . I definitely don't intend on putting my life on hold and tiptoeing around this cancer . When it comes back , well , I'll deal with it just like I dealt with it now .
That's not to say that I've learned everything to learn from this cancer . Most likely , when it comes back there will be another lesson for me . But I do know I want to live out my life . No more fears overcoming me . I want to experience it all . I'm not living in fear anymore .
I have my very own bucket list and I plan on checking off some things . So what am I doing now with my life ? I'm living it .
A Winter's Sleep
These past week I've been in a deep winter 's sleep . Pure exhaustion over took my body . Whenever I got up and did some physical act , fatique would take over once again . Is it possible to sleep so much ? Can it be too much ?
Apparently , because my body developed aches and pains from laying down ., Silly , Right ? It's true , though . I feel like I'm ready to jump out of my skin . My body maybe very tired but I'm so uncomfortable from laying too much . What to do ? The things I complain about .
Yesterday , I tried to keep busy doing errands and fighting sleep . It only works for so long . Again , I'm out by 8pm. A very long night ensues . Waking up and bathroom visits over and over again throughout the night . Two more weeks of this and I'm completely done . Never again for a very long time will I have to go through this .
Today , I got up bright and early , in all this sleep I have neglected my housework and chores . Maybe , today , after a busy day of cleaning I will have a normal night . Keep praying for me everyone . I really do appreciate it .
Apparently , because my body developed aches and pains from laying down ., Silly , Right ? It's true , though . I feel like I'm ready to jump out of my skin . My body maybe very tired but I'm so uncomfortable from laying too much . What to do ? The things I complain about .
Yesterday , I tried to keep busy doing errands and fighting sleep . It only works for so long . Again , I'm out by 8pm. A very long night ensues . Waking up and bathroom visits over and over again throughout the night . Two more weeks of this and I'm completely done . Never again for a very long time will I have to go through this .
Today , I got up bright and early , in all this sleep I have neglected my housework and chores . Maybe , today , after a busy day of cleaning I will have a normal night . Keep praying for me everyone . I really do appreciate it .
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Flowers For Juwonn
The day after my infusion , I always go back for my Nuelasta shot so my white blood count doesn't drop . Since this was my last infusion I wanted to thank my nurse for taking care of me .
I love my nurse . In all of my 47 yrs . there was only one experience at a hospital that the nurses were awful . Otherwise , nurses to me , are God's treasures . They are incredible people . All they have to put up with on a daily basis . They see pain , death and sick people every single day . Everyday . They treat you with patience , have a smile ready and shower you with kindness no matter how badly you feel . Or how badly you treat them .
I wanted her to know how much I really appreciated all of her kindness to me .It is a very demanding profession that offers little appreciation . I think I made her day . After 6 months of taking care of you , you develop a relationship.....a friendship .
I remember , when I was in the hospital in 2007 , I had this young nurse spend her break time visiting me . That's love . That's a special kind of person . After my 3rd surgery , another one sat by my bed and held my hand because I was in so much pain . Nurses are God's treasures .
I'm very tired today , which is very normal . Life still goes on and doesn't care that I need some sleep . I have a few errands to run and I hope they go fast so I can get to bed . Hope you all have a great day and I'm sorry it's a short blog today .
I love my nurse . In all of my 47 yrs . there was only one experience at a hospital that the nurses were awful . Otherwise , nurses to me , are God's treasures . They are incredible people . All they have to put up with on a daily basis . They see pain , death and sick people every single day . Everyday . They treat you with patience , have a smile ready and shower you with kindness no matter how badly you feel . Or how badly you treat them .
I wanted her to know how much I really appreciated all of her kindness to me .It is a very demanding profession that offers little appreciation . I think I made her day . After 6 months of taking care of you , you develop a relationship.....a friendship .
I remember , when I was in the hospital in 2007 , I had this young nurse spend her break time visiting me . That's love . That's a special kind of person . After my 3rd surgery , another one sat by my bed and held my hand because I was in so much pain . Nurses are God's treasures .
I'm very tired today , which is very normal . Life still goes on and doesn't care that I need some sleep . I have a few errands to run and I hope they go fast so I can get to bed . Hope you all have a great day and I'm sorry it's a short blog today .
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
A New Day
We got up early this morning . Packed my chemo/doctor bag full of puzzles , yarn and snacks . Filled my car with gas , checked all my fluids in case the car wanted to act up on such an important day in my life . Picked up my tea and off we went to chemo .
I thought this day would be very emotional but I was wrong . I didn't shed one tear . I was filled with such joy and happiness . I felt like singing happy songs so I flipped from one station to the next looking for happy , upbeat music .
When I looked in the mirror this morning and saw my bloated , red face from the steroids I wasn't even upset . When I got on the scale at the doctors it didn't even faze me .In fact , this was the first time since September that my weight was just under 200lbs. Of Course , my nurse was all in a tizzy that I lost a few pounds . People relax , I'm fat . I can afford to lose a few pounds .
As much as I hated to go to my treatments in the past . . . . . today....I skipped to my chemo . I can see the light at the end of the tunnel . Now the real journey can begin . My hair will be coming out soon .I can't wait to see what color it will be . I loved my hair before . It came out darker like brown. It was thick and wavy . I feel excitement , not despair . What will it be like now ?
There is one more thing I want to do today if my body will let me . It used to be that the side effects would begin the very next day . The last two chemos they began the very same evening . I guess my body has gotten weaker as the treatment progressed . Today , I already started burping and belching during the infusion . My eyes are getting droopy and I'm feeling tired . My stomach started feeling queasy and hot flushes raged through my body . Well it looks like my farewell present came a bit early .
My goal will have to be postponed until tomorrow . Right now , I'm off to bed . Until tomorrow . .. .. .
I thought this day would be very emotional but I was wrong . I didn't shed one tear . I was filled with such joy and happiness . I felt like singing happy songs so I flipped from one station to the next looking for happy , upbeat music .
When I looked in the mirror this morning and saw my bloated , red face from the steroids I wasn't even upset . When I got on the scale at the doctors it didn't even faze me .In fact , this was the first time since September that my weight was just under 200lbs. Of Course , my nurse was all in a tizzy that I lost a few pounds . People relax , I'm fat . I can afford to lose a few pounds .
As much as I hated to go to my treatments in the past . . . . . today....I skipped to my chemo . I can see the light at the end of the tunnel . Now the real journey can begin . My hair will be coming out soon .I can't wait to see what color it will be . I loved my hair before . It came out darker like brown. It was thick and wavy . I feel excitement , not despair . What will it be like now ?
There is one more thing I want to do today if my body will let me . It used to be that the side effects would begin the very next day . The last two chemos they began the very same evening . I guess my body has gotten weaker as the treatment progressed . Today , I already started burping and belching during the infusion . My eyes are getting droopy and I'm feeling tired . My stomach started feeling queasy and hot flushes raged through my body . Well it looks like my farewell present came a bit early .
My goal will have to be postponed until tomorrow . Right now , I'm off to bed . Until tomorrow . .. .. .
Monday, February 6, 2012
On The Eve Of .....
Today is the eve of my last chemo . I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that . I do know I'm feeling very anxious and trying to keep myself very occupied as to not think about it . I didn't sleep all night instead I spent the night crocheting , gathering my tax info , cleaning out my drawers and closet , darning clothes and everything else . I don't want to think about it .
I know I will break down and start crying . It will be a very emotional day for me and I can't even explain why . I find it frustrating that I'm so emotional all the time over everything . I should be jumping up for joy that it will be over real soon and yet I'm not .
I'm also very scared of taking the last chemo . I feel like it will be terrible and I don't know if I have the stamina for it . I'm scared of it . I only remember too well three weeks ago and how I felt physically . Everyone is like , hooray you're done , but I'm not done . Everything is not going to be like it used to be . You can't go back and it's frustrating to me to hear people say that to me . I'm sorry . I'm so stressed and irritable . Please forgive me .
when we get to feeling jaded
by the problem that we face
and the world that we inhabit
seems a less than perfect place
there is a refuge waiting
we can find most anywhere
an antidote for sorrow
like a breath of rain washed air
this tiny
little miracle
is absolutely free
and finding it can change us
from the way we used to be
at just a moments notice
it can rearrange our world
I know I will break down and start crying . It will be a very emotional day for me and I can't even explain why . I find it frustrating that I'm so emotional all the time over everything . I should be jumping up for joy that it will be over real soon and yet I'm not .
I'm also very scared of taking the last chemo . I feel like it will be terrible and I don't know if I have the stamina for it . I'm scared of it . I only remember too well three weeks ago and how I felt physically . Everyone is like , hooray you're done , but I'm not done . Everything is not going to be like it used to be . You can't go back and it's frustrating to me to hear people say that to me . I'm sorry . I'm so stressed and irritable . Please forgive me .
when we get to feeling jaded
by the problem that we face
and the world that we inhabit
seems a less than perfect place
there is a refuge waiting
we can find most anywhere
an antidote for sorrow
like a breath of rain washed air
this tiny
little miracle
is absolutely free
and finding it can change us
from the way we used to be
at just a moments notice
it can rearrange our world
Scarves And More Scarves
I have a huge , huge drawer of headwear . In 2007 , I wore scarves 99 % of the time .That was my choice of headwear back then . When I went into remission , I decided to hold onto my scarves , even though I felt certain that I was done with cancer . I really did feel that . That's why it was so hard for me to accept the fact it returned .
I have no idea why I kept them . My friend Linda gave alot of hers away to other people.....me included . I didn't want to get rid of mine . Maybe , deep down inside I knew it would come back . . ...way deep inside .
When it did , I was so angry , disappointed and disgusted . I told myself I was getting rid of these scarves . In fact , I hardly wore them at all . I used my shawls that I wrapped like a turban in different styles . Lately , I've been wearing hats . But I told myself , I was getting rid of these things once and for all . I planned on sending them to my cousins in Poland . I wasn't keeping them. Not this time . So last night , I went through that drawer of scarves .
With everyone I pulled out , a memory came back to me . It reminded me of when my boys died and I had to put away their clothes . I remember looking at every outfit . . . . smelling it for their scent . It was very difficult and time consuming . It was just like that with those stupid scarves . And I can't get rid of them . I just can't . The memory here isn't a good one but it's who I am and where I've been . I can wear them around my neck , tie back my hair and as shawls . I don't have to make them only my cancer scarves .
I realize that I only wanted to get rid of them because I thought of them as superstitious . That is silly . Throwing them out will not prevent the cancer from coming back . So . . . . . .I folded them up and placed them back in the drawer . The End .
I have no idea why I kept them . My friend Linda gave alot of hers away to other people.....me included . I didn't want to get rid of mine . Maybe , deep down inside I knew it would come back . . ...way deep inside .
When it did , I was so angry , disappointed and disgusted . I told myself I was getting rid of these scarves . In fact , I hardly wore them at all . I used my shawls that I wrapped like a turban in different styles . Lately , I've been wearing hats . But I told myself , I was getting rid of these things once and for all . I planned on sending them to my cousins in Poland . I wasn't keeping them. Not this time . So last night , I went through that drawer of scarves .
With everyone I pulled out , a memory came back to me . It reminded me of when my boys died and I had to put away their clothes . I remember looking at every outfit . . . . smelling it for their scent . It was very difficult and time consuming . It was just like that with those stupid scarves . And I can't get rid of them . I just can't . The memory here isn't a good one but it's who I am and where I've been . I can wear them around my neck , tie back my hair and as shawls . I don't have to make them only my cancer scarves .
I realize that I only wanted to get rid of them because I thought of them as superstitious . That is silly . Throwing them out will not prevent the cancer from coming back . So . . . . . .I folded them up and placed them back in the drawer . The End .
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Best Laid Plans
Back in high school , there were the four of us who hung out everyday . My girlfriends and I were very different from each other . Each of us had different views and plans for the future . I , myself , never planned on having children which is funny since I ended up with four .
We sure had some plans for how we thought our lives would end up . After high school , we lost track of each other . One of them is living in Alaska , single , with a very important high up career in nursing . Always thought of Karen as a stay at home mom and look where she ended up at . I guess God had different plans for her . My life certainly ended up differently . Actually , nothing like I thought at all .
Last night , A friend confided in me her concerns for her daughter's future . Which brought on my thinking about when I was her age . I'm sure things looked alot different and I'm equally sure my mother had concerns about how I would end up . My own perception of how I thought I would live my life was nothing like what God had in store for me .
If I had a crystal ball back then and could have seen my life up to now, I wouldn't have believed it . I might have not been able to handle it knowing what I would be going through . We learn as we go step by step finally ending up right where God wants us to be . No matter how many bad turns we make He steers us right to where we can shine the best .
I'm glad for the road that God sent me on . I would have missed out on many beautiful adventures . As for the trials .... well ......I wouldn't be who I am now if I didn't experience them .
We sure had some plans for how we thought our lives would end up . After high school , we lost track of each other . One of them is living in Alaska , single , with a very important high up career in nursing . Always thought of Karen as a stay at home mom and look where she ended up at . I guess God had different plans for her . My life certainly ended up differently . Actually , nothing like I thought at all .
Last night , A friend confided in me her concerns for her daughter's future . Which brought on my thinking about when I was her age . I'm sure things looked alot different and I'm equally sure my mother had concerns about how I would end up . My own perception of how I thought I would live my life was nothing like what God had in store for me .
If I had a crystal ball back then and could have seen my life up to now, I wouldn't have believed it . I might have not been able to handle it knowing what I would be going through . We learn as we go step by step finally ending up right where God wants us to be . No matter how many bad turns we make He steers us right to where we can shine the best .
I'm glad for the road that God sent me on . I would have missed out on many beautiful adventures . As for the trials .... well ......I wouldn't be who I am now if I didn't experience them .
Friday, February 3, 2012
Reflections
As I near the end of my treatment , I reflect on my journey . It wasn't all bad . There were alot of good things that came out of it .
For one thing , I was able to clean up my closets , drawers and all the clutter that one clings to for dear life . All that hoarding I did in my life of things that have no absolute necessity . Just the papers alone filled two large garbage bags . Why ? Why , did I hold on to these things ? Not really sure , maybe for security or a need to feel like I have stuff . Things that are mine and only mine .
The inner demons we all have , are not extinguished completely , but then , my journey is really not over .It's just one chapter closed while another begins . I did learn to never stop growing spiritually . Never let me assume the education of my soul is complete .
Another thing I've learned is one must prepare for situations in life . Last time , I stopped planning because I felt my future was uncertain so what is the point . I was holding my breath for almost five years . It's time to exhale and start living again regardless of what the future brings . I might be back in a few months or not . I do need to prepare for the next time because these insane insurance , disability people cause more red tape than one can bear . Financially , I need to have a little nest egg so I won't stress .
I also started on goals that I've always wanted to do but was scared or needed a push . Procastination is my 8th deadly sin !
Basically , I spent these months trying to clean up the mess of my life .There were alot of tears spent and probably alot more to come . Might even be some tonight .
In a few days , my last chemo , I'm scared to death because the side effects have taken everything out of me .I'm not sure I can take it . Please pray for me everyone !
For one thing , I was able to clean up my closets , drawers and all the clutter that one clings to for dear life . All that hoarding I did in my life of things that have no absolute necessity . Just the papers alone filled two large garbage bags . Why ? Why , did I hold on to these things ? Not really sure , maybe for security or a need to feel like I have stuff . Things that are mine and only mine .
The inner demons we all have , are not extinguished completely , but then , my journey is really not over .It's just one chapter closed while another begins . I did learn to never stop growing spiritually . Never let me assume the education of my soul is complete .
Another thing I've learned is one must prepare for situations in life . Last time , I stopped planning because I felt my future was uncertain so what is the point . I was holding my breath for almost five years . It's time to exhale and start living again regardless of what the future brings . I might be back in a few months or not . I do need to prepare for the next time because these insane insurance , disability people cause more red tape than one can bear . Financially , I need to have a little nest egg so I won't stress .
I also started on goals that I've always wanted to do but was scared or needed a push . Procastination is my 8th deadly sin !
Basically , I spent these months trying to clean up the mess of my life .There were alot of tears spent and probably alot more to come . Might even be some tonight .
In a few days , my last chemo , I'm scared to death because the side effects have taken everything out of me .I'm not sure I can take it . Please pray for me everyone !
Thursday, February 2, 2012
A State Of Mind
February rolled around and I was ready for a change . I expected a change . In my mind , the past months of misery were over because a new month began . Of course , that's not what happened and I had another day of mishaps , errors and just more of the same . I threw my hands up. When will this be over ?! I was so exhausted mentally yesterday that I fell alseep after supper and slept until this morning .
Just then I remembered something I read the other day . How we need to turn things around in our minds . Don't look at all the bad . . .look at all the good things . Another fact , 80% of what we stress over and worry about doesn't even come true .
I have a couple of friends who have reached that level of peace within themselves where they don't stress out and allow things to take over their lives . They trust God that much . I've been striving for that kind of level and folks , it's not easy . Then , I remind myself that they have been working on that all of their lives and didn't achieve their peace overnight .
I spoke to one of them last night and he reminded me not to focus on the bad part of yesterday . Forget that awful day . Name something good that happened and I did . That's what I have to do everyday. . . . .remind myself of the good things that happened .
Another thing people say to me that annoys the heck out of me ......You're almost done . I hate that line .Emily always says that hate is a strong word . Yes , it is .That's why I'm using it . That's like telling a person who is upset to calm down . You upset them even more . That's one of Emily's hated lines . She hates when I say that , hahahaha...sorry . Have a Blessed day everyone !
Just then I remembered something I read the other day . How we need to turn things around in our minds . Don't look at all the bad . . .look at all the good things . Another fact , 80% of what we stress over and worry about doesn't even come true .
I have a couple of friends who have reached that level of peace within themselves where they don't stress out and allow things to take over their lives . They trust God that much . I've been striving for that kind of level and folks , it's not easy . Then , I remind myself that they have been working on that all of their lives and didn't achieve their peace overnight .
I spoke to one of them last night and he reminded me not to focus on the bad part of yesterday . Forget that awful day . Name something good that happened and I did . That's what I have to do everyday. . . . .remind myself of the good things that happened .
Another thing people say to me that annoys the heck out of me ......You're almost done . I hate that line .Emily always says that hate is a strong word . Yes , it is .That's why I'm using it . That's like telling a person who is upset to calm down . You upset them even more . That's one of Emily's hated lines . She hates when I say that , hahahaha...sorry . Have a Blessed day everyone !
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Just Being Still
Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey. When thou hast thanked thy God For every blessing sent...
