The Elephant In The Room

    This is a conversation that should have happened a long time ago . This is very dear to me and I feel like I should be whispering . It's about Linda .  I have this connection with her and  I get so very emotional regarding her . I feel like Linda is me .
   Whatever she experiences , so do I . So when her cancer came back , I knew deep down inside mine would , too . Or at least , I was afraid it would . I was just waiting for the shoe to drop and it did with a loud thump .
   When I found out her cancer was spreading and getting worse , I felt like I was next . It's not easy to admit it but I didn't want that to happen to me . I was in despair not just for her but also for myself : In despair of what  might happen to me next . I might be the next one to die . Each time  , I go to my doctor , I'm expecting to hear it's back . I mean , Linda's hasn't gone away , why should mine ?
   I think I have cried a million tears when she told me . . . . for both of us . I cried because it seemed like everything we went through was for naught . I cried because I'm not ready to die . I always thought I was past this , but I guess not . When it comes down to it , we all want to live .
   We are linked together , Linda and I . We have experienced things together , alot of it painful , but also beautiful . If anything happened to her , a part of me would die with her . Believe me , this was incredibly hard to admit . It makes me sound selfish , only thinking of myself . For all the bravado I may show in person and on pen , it's all a lie . Deep down inside I'm very scared and I'm not ready to die .
    I worry about my children , even though , they are grown . I worry about what their future holds . I won't be here to pick up the pieces . I won't be here to protect them or offer advice .
   Mostly , I worry I won't have enough time to do all that I want to do . I feel like time is running out .
   Have a Blessed Week everyone .