Whenever , I think back to the beginning of my cancer , I always think of JOY . Yes , joy . The year of my cancer and the year after was probably the most meaningful time of my life . That was the time when I decided to completely change how I live my life . The beginning of anything new is always great . The expectations are high and the rewards equally so .
Now that time has gone by , I feel different . My second bout with cancer was a shock and that maybe why there is no joy afterwards . The " why " I feel misplaced , out of joint and out of place . I've been feeling lost . It's not anger at the situation , it's something else . The " else " that I can't explain or find .
I do know it's not spiritual . I have grown in my faith and my relationship with the Lord . So , if it's not spiritual , then what is it ?
Who am I fighting ? Maybe , I'm fighting myself . Maybe , things aren't moving fast enough to my liking . Yet , another friend who is leaving to live out her dream and I'm still here waiting for my "time" to happen . This fear of mine that time is running out is really irrational . If it does run out , it won't matter because of where I'm going . It only matters here on earth .
Whatever , it may be , I know I have to learn to wait . I'm always out there looking for answers and sometimes , I should just do what my favorite verse in the Bible says :
" Be still and know I am God "
Being still is so hard for me , especially now . I have noticed that about myself this time around . It seems that all I do lately is compare myself between the two times I have had cancer . Comparing the first and second times . Why am I doing that ? My life isn't a 30 minute sitcom where all the problems or life's questions are answered by the end of this blog . It doesn't have to be answered .
We make life so complicated for ourselves . How do I undo all of that stress ? How do I bring back my JOY ? You know the answer .
" Be still and know I am God "
Have a Blessed , Joyful Week everyone .
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