It's A Hard Enough Life

   Having gone through cancer twice now , I find myself coming out of the experience a little different each time .
    My adjustment the first time seemed to have been easier or at least happier . I was happy to be alive and felt like God gave me a second chance at life . All I wanted was peace at all costs . Any old vendettas were forgiven and forgotten . I just wanted to live life and be happy doing it .
    This time , I'm having a really hard time . I didn't notice it until I went back to work and basically back to life outside my bubble . While in treatment , I led a secluded lifestyle . Never really left my home  . All that changed when I completed the chemotheraphy .
    When you surround yourself by fellow Christians , life seems easier . That can't be said of the secular world . I find I have no tolerance for anything anymore . I speak up . Peace at all costs seems to have disappeared . This is a problem because speaking up creates ruffled feathers no matter how gentle you may be while expressing yourself .
   I don't know why I do this . I get upset at the unfairness . . . the injustices . I certainly want peace yet there is something inside of me that can't keep quiet . I have this desire to let others know how I feel . No matter how many times I talk to myself and pray to let things slide ... . . ..  something overcomes me . I need to let it out .
  There are times I feel frustration , I suppose , at people and how they act . I just don't understand why people don't get it . Everything we have can be gone in a flash . Time is something we don't have . Everything can change in a minute . I suppose I feel anger at people and their lack of love for each other . Time is something we just don't have .
   But that's just a small part of it .I suppose that having this cancer come back is something I may not get over nor accept .  I'm still disappointed at having to deal with it when I thought it was gone for good . It is an irritation .....an upset in my life that I just don't want to accept . Maybe , my refusal to accept it is my way of not letting it win .
   Be patient with me everyone and if I step on your toes ...forgive me .