After setting a goal of returning to work soon , I find myself rushing with a list of things to accomplish in preparation of the big event . Yes , the big event . Returning to work is a huge deal for me . The obvious reason , of course , signaling the end of this illness......for now . The ordeal is over . . . . for now .
A few weeks back , I was at the fruit market when I looked across the produce to find a fellow male co-worker with his wife . Trying to meet his eyes to send a nod in acknowledgememt only to find him staring blankly at me. Throughout the store I ran into him and again no sign of recognition .
Driving home , with my mom , I asked her if I had changed that much in the last 6 months . After telling her what happened , she remarked , "honey he is a man and you have no hair".I didn't believe that . I didn't pass this man in the hallways of Avon. I worked with him daily . I would give him instructions for the night of things he needed to get done . I joked with him .
He didn't recognize me because I have changed . Hair or no hair. I have gained weight . My face appears bigger ,almost swollen-like . No eyelashes.....yes , I definitely look different . I left a different person and I'm coming back a stranger .
With the countdown fast approaching I'm running a little scared . What will they think of me ? How will they react when they see me ? Last time , I was really afraid , too . My big thing then was the scarves and when I came back to work noone made any remark about them . No matter how much we deny this but we do care what people say and think about us .
Another thing , I'm worried about is if I can handle the pressure . I'm a different person internally now , too . I have been told before ( after my first return ) that I appeared calmer and more at peace . That's true but now I'm almost mellow . My job involves confrontations . Management tells me what to do and I tell the people in my department . They get upset , they yell, curse ,threaten and I don't blame them . Who else will listen to their complaints ? Management is management like in any corporation . Money talks . At all costs . Here is my list of what I need done and they don't care how I get it done ....just do it. I don't know if I'm cut out for that anymore . I want peace not a fight every night . I wonder if eveyone feels like this after an illness?
RETRACTION
I have a retraction to make. The other night I get a text from my son informing me that he has looked at that scrapbook , okay? And he has read my blog...occassionally . I tell him ,"that's okay son.When I'm dead you will appreciate it". " Yes, mom .when you're dead ". Yep, that's my boy.Yep, I raised him.
I know that Joey loves you big time, Lottie - whether he's into the scrapbook or not. As far as the blog goes, I have four kids and not a one of them reads my blog! Somehow, they just can't find the time!
ReplyDeleteBut as far as your other comments about returning to work, all I can say is it takes so much courage go be vulnerable before the world. So tempting to hide the obvious changes we have had thrust upon us by illness. To your question about how people feel after an illness, I can tell you that, yes, I believe my priorities have changed dramatically since my illness. I am re-evaluating everything. Why? Because sickness has taught me that life is very short. I want to be more selective about how I spend my time and energies from this point forward. Too short for constant conflict and stress. I want peace and joy in my life and will sift out a lot of other garbage to get it. I think you and I are on the same page...