The Countdown Begins

  After setting  a goal of returning to work soon , I find myself rushing with a list of things to accomplish in preparation of the big event . Yes , the big event . Returning to work is a huge deal for me . The obvious reason , of course , signaling the end of this illness......for now . The ordeal is over . .  . . for now .
  A few weeks back , I was at the fruit market when I looked across the produce to find a fellow male co-worker with his wife . Trying to meet his eyes to send a nod in acknowledgememt only to find him staring blankly at me. Throughout the store I ran into him and again no sign of recognition .
  Driving home , with my mom , I asked her if I had changed that much in the last 6 months . After telling her what happened , she remarked , "honey he is a man and you have no hair".I didn't believe that . I didn't pass this man in the hallways of Avon. I  worked with him daily . I would give him instructions for the night of things he needed to get done . I joked with him .
  He didn't recognize me because I have changed . Hair or no hair. I have gained weight . My face appears bigger ,almost swollen-like . No eyelashes.....yes , I definitely look different . I left a different person and I'm coming back a stranger .
  With the countdown fast approaching I'm running a little scared . What will they think of me ? How will they react when they see me ? Last time , I  was really afraid  , too . My big thing then was the scarves and when I came back to work noone made any remark about them . No matter how much we deny this  but we do care what people say and think about us .
   Another thing , I'm worried about is if I can handle the pressure . I'm a different person internally now , too . I have been told before ( after my first return ) that I appeared calmer and more at peace . That's true but now I'm almost mellow . My job involves confrontations . Management tells me what to do and I tell the people in my department . They get upset , they yell, curse ,threaten and I don't blame them . Who else will listen to their complaints  ? Management is management  like in any corporation . Money talks . At all  costs . Here is my list of what I need done and they don't care how I get it done ....just do it. I don't know if I'm cut out for that anymore . I want peace not a fight every night . I wonder if eveyone feels like this after an illness?
RETRACTION
                         I have a retraction to make. The other night I get a text from my son informing me that he has looked at that scrapbook , okay? And he has read my blog...occassionally . I tell him ,"that's okay son.When I'm dead you will appreciate it". " Yes, mom .when you're dead ". Yep, that's my boy.Yep, I raised him.