Losing Your Identity

   My hair has been falling out . It's not a pretty sight . Everyday it gets worse . I don't think people realize what the process looks like when your hair starts shedding . Think of a chemical waste movie where the infected person 's hair is falling off in chunks . Globs....chunks. Yuck .
    It starts off with just some hair whenever you brush . Then a handful everytime you touch your hair. After that, you shed on your shoulders , pillow , bathtub . You don't even have to touch it .  Everyday it gets worse and worse . So I made the decision to shave it already .
   Four years ago , I shaved my head immediately when it started to fall out . This time , I have waited alot longer . I mention this to someone and their response really ticked me off . This upset me so much I felt I needed to write about it . They wanted me to wait . " I mean , Lottie, its not that bad . "
   Really ? Really ? How would you know . That's like telling someone that has breast cancer...its just a breast . Or someone in a wheelchair.....its just a leg .People say the most insensitive things . This is why people who are going through tragedies do  not share their feelings with others . Another reason ....because they feel that noone understands what they are going through .
  Another huge misconception..............this is not vanity.......it is the loss of identity . My losing my hair is not about being attractive . Its about not recognizing myself .Who am I now? Who will I be when I come out of this ? Then there are my children who still have a hard time seeing me with no hair . I should just tell them its not that bad when they see globs of my hair hit the floor . How dramatic do you think that will be for them ?
  The funny thing is that the person who said it , if this happened to them , would have gone into a depression . I'm not saying this to make the person feel bad about themselves . I want people to be aware.
    Since starting this blog ,I have had so many relatives of patients come up to me and tell me how they never knew what they were feeling . How they kept all their emotions bottled up . How they wished they knew their thoughts .
   My feelings alone have been like a rollercoaster ride....up and down and up again . I think thats because I'm trying to find out who I am in all of this . This person staring in the mirror with a bald head...who is she ?Who will she become ?

Comments

  1. Lottie - Thank you for describing this. Never having gone through this experience, I had NO idea of what this is like. I can only imagine the trauma, especially for a woman, of seeing her hair fall out in clumps and gobs. Our sense of beauty and femininity are so connected to our hair. My heart goes out to you, Lottie. This is very real pain. I think that many people around you are grasping at straws as to how to comfort and encourage you and may,often, unwittingly, say the wrong thing. Please forgive us for our halting and clumsy efforts to show you our love. Insensitivity, at a time like this, has to be like salt being rubbed in the wound. Only the Lord understands, deeply and profoundly, what you are experiencing. I pray He surrounds you with His care and comfort every minute of every day. Maureen

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