The Great Pretender

      Wherever and whoever I meet all tell me the same thing .. . . . . how great I look . They love what I do with my scarves ; they love my positive , upbeat , sarcastic attitude ; they love my honesty . Little do these people know that I'm the great pretender . I only tell people 90 % of what I feel or what I'm going through .
    Four years ago , there was a day where I just felt worn out . Felt like I couldn't handle another day in pain . At that time , one of my girlfriends called me to see how I was feeling . Well , I burst out crying  and ended up telling her exactly how I felt . There are times where all the pain leaves you feeling like you should just die . In fact , you ask God to take you . That was my day back then .
  For the next several hours , I had one phone call after the other from friends cheering me on and telling me how I should stay positive . Only way to beat this thing , Lottie . I found out later that my friend called all our mutual friends about my little breakdown . She thought I was suicidal and just gave up .
  To this day , I never tell people really how I feel . I would never harm myself . I don't have the nerve nor am I that brave . I'm too scared of God  and what He would do to me  if I did . My point is that from that day forth I realized I really can't be too honest . People really mean well . They , too , are in pain right along with me and can't handle my disease . If I'm happy that signals to them everything is well . When I'm upset , well , you get the picture .
  This month , this week  especially , I have been not feeling well nor have I been very positive or upbeat . Sometimes , I think if these people only knew how fake I really am . I just don't want anyone to think that I'm on cloud nine . Sometimes you have to read between the lines . Remember .....I'm the great  pretender .