Look At Me Now
Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.
Love had he found in huts where poor men lie;
His daily teachers had been woods and rills,
The silence that is in the starry sky,
The sleep that is among the lonely hills.
I've changed so much over the years, I scarcely recognize myself nor the life I've led back then. I sometimes wonder if I still would be who I am today if I hadn't been diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer. Not only have I changed on the outside, but on the inside.
Many people look at me now and think what a great attitude I hold in regards to my cancer. Little do they know, it has taken me ten years to get here. Believe me when I say, there is still plenty of work left on myself that I have kept hidden from view. I understand that it is something that may take a lifetime.
Of all the people I've met since my diagnosis, I miss Linda the most. In a way, she was the other side of me, the one that struggled with this disease. Linda struggled, but there is one thing I'm perfectly sure of and that's her love for me. Linda loved me unconditionally. I miss her. I miss her beautiful smile that she always had for me.
Lately, I've been feeling as if I've hardened my heart against life. Maybe not completely, but there is a hardening. That might have more to do with the company I've been keeping or surrounding myself. At my work, there are many individuals with hardened hearts, ones that I doubt ever were opened to love. You are the company you keep. I have found myself many times losing my temper, cursing and walking away with a bad attitude.
Trust me when I say I'm so disappointed in myself. This is certainly not how I intended to live my life. If anything, I am an example of an ordinary person. I can fail just like everyone else. It is a constant struggle to keep on the straight and narrow. I find that I need to readjust my attitude many times. I fall, I pick myself up and I try again.
So of course, I have changed in these ten years. For the better? In some ways, but I am an unfinished masterpiece that the good Lord is still working on.
Have a blessed day everyone and have a Happy Father's Day.