The Lost And Found
As I've been posting these old stories written in 2015 and forgotten, I wondered why I never shared them. Was I saving them for something else? Most likely. To have forgotten them explains my state of mind as I flutter from thing to the next. I believe my intention with these stories was to create a series and then life intervened. Happy reading!
By: Lottie Krol
Staring at my old chemo bag, I felt indecision on what to do with it. It felt strange to no longer have a need for it. It has been with me since 2011, storing everything I needed for a day of chemotherapy infusion at the clinic.
For a moment I felt confusion and sadness as I placed my chemo bag back into the closet. I won't be needing it today or for a while. So what do I take with me instead?
I felt uncomfortable sitting in the waiting room of the cancer clinic, not knowing where to fix my eyes or what to do with my hands. I never sat so still before with nothing to do. There was no crocheting hook in my hand as my fingers nimbly stitched row after row easing the tension of what was to come. There was no inspirational book to read or challenging bible study workbook to complete. Not even a puzzle nor a notebook to doodle on. Not a snack to bite on or water to sip.
There was no chemo bag leaning beside my legs. For what? I wasn't staying all day as before. It's just a quick checkup and straight to work I go. What do I need a chemo bag for that?
Yet, my eyes darted nervously around the waiting room, my hands not knowing what to do with themselves. Maybe I should rethink this situation, but how do you prepare for this? How do I prep for something that I have no experience of?
First, I think I need to throw out any old concepts of a chemo bag. That was the past version that obviously holds no purpose now. My needs have changed so should my chemo bag.
So what are my new needs? Since I no longer need to stay all day, I may not need as much stuff inside my bag. For instance, snacks or drinks will not be needed. Also, the size of the bag can turn from being a large tote bag into a large purse instead.
But one of my major concerns happens to be that usually I'm on my way to work right after the oncologist visit. The last thing I want is to lug around a huge bag. Even if I leave it in the car, I would have to lug it back upstairs after work.
Then again, I wonder if I even need a bag.
The more my mind drifted in that direction, the more I thought about other things that I don't have to do this time around. I mean, I used to totally sanitize the apartment before every infusion and sometimes even daily depending on the type of treatment. Good ole Clorox wipes were my secret weapon.
Just doing daily chores like laundry and grocery shopping ahead of time so I could rest indoors for the next couple of days. I don't have to prep in anyway for this treatment and that feels weird to me. Am I not being cautious enough? Shouldn't I being doing something?
I need to be doing something. Could this really be this easy? Isn't this what we have been hoping for? A treatment that we could live with that doesn't interfere with our daily life?
Maybe I've been approaching this in the wrong way altogether. Maybe instead of moping around feeling sorry for myself looking for something to prep, I should be rejoicing. Who wants to be super cleaning every single day? Or running around doing last minute errands?
No, the more I think about it, the more I believe that I need no prep at all. No special errands, prescriptions, cleaning and definitely no chemo bag. All I need is a skein of yarn and a crocheting hook. That can fit easily into my handbag. Yes, that's it.
Have a Blessed day everyone.