Looking Back Once More
As I've mentioned earlier in the week, I have been fortunate to have found some journals I have written in 2015 right as my fourth bout with cancer returned. I am still in remission and the post below happened last year. Enjoy.
Mum's The Word
By: Lottie Krol
So why the secrecy? Well, where do I begin? It isn't about keeping it a secret, it's a lot more complicated and quite lengthy in detail. Maybe, we should begin with what it's not about.
It's definitely not about my lack of acceptance of this disease. That happened years ago and I'm definitely not afraid to say the word cancer. Believe me, I'm not freaking out because it came back. I always knew it would since I have a re-occurring cancer. As to dying, well it's more the process of dying that I'm afraid of than where I'm going or death itself.
So what's the problem this time?
I'm not exactly sure. All I know is that each and every time the cancer came back, it was a new journey for me. A sort of an experience in learning something new about myself, especially if that meant working on a piece of me that was broken. I feel like that now. I feel there is something that needs to be fixed whether that involves me, the people in my life or both. Something here is not right.
This is why it's so difficult for me to pinpoint only one thing, it's a multitude of things. I cannot shake off this feeling that I'm not where I should be at this point in my life.
When I first was diagnosed with cancer, I never felt so loved in my life by my family. That whole experience refreshed my relationships with all of them. As I faced my long road of recovery, I was looking forward to developing an even more intimate and loving bond between us.
For a long time after that, that's exactly what we did. We all gathered for birthdays, family celebrations and holidays. Then somewhere in between then and now, things started to turn sour. It really begins with just one rotten apple and suddenly the entire barrel is infected. That's what happened to my family.
Old hurts began to re-surface and then more hurts sprang forth. Words were exchanged and grievances were developed. Family members took sides and even more disputes followed. Pretty soon, family celebrations were cancelled, people didn't show up and now only certain members are invited to certain parties.
I cannot walk into any of my family's gatherings without hearing about one grievance or another. Lord knows, I have tried to tell them about my cancer returning. Every time I opened my mouth to say something, one of them goes on a rant about some kin of ours that has done them wrong.
I'm so disgusted with all of them and their petty battles with one another. They don't get it. None of that is important, because life is way too short. Am I not the perfect example of that?
What has happened to my loving family? Where are those people that came together to show me love when I needed it? Why can't they love one another? Why can't they bury the hatchet and let bygones be bygones before it is too late?
My friendships haven't been any different than my family. They too have suffered. I have lost a few friends in the past couple of years. Some have died, some have let go of our friendship or simply disappeared due to my negligence of their needs.
Either way, this was something that I never intended to happen. My goal has always been to develop deeper and lasting memories of my time here on Earth with the people in my life. Cancer taught me to respect that. So what happened?
Now I know that we started off perfectly heading in that direction. We began by building a strong tower and somewhere along the way it came loose, tumbling down like a game of Jenga. Just one little piece destroyed all that we've worked towards.
So no, I don't feel that I'm where I should be eight years later. To me, it seems as if I took some steps backwards. I don't want to die when things aren't the way they should be. Nothing is settle. Everything is in disarray. So how do I fix this?
Have a blessed day everyone.