A Midlife Crisis

I'm almost fifty and I believe I'm going through a midlife crisis of some sort . The life of a recluse is more appealing to me as time goes by . My rose colored glasses have been tinted for a long time and in their reflection images of Sodom and Gomorrah reside . 

This is how I view the world . 

I feel like an outsider looking in , trying to fit myself into this equation called life . I am displeased , dissatisfied and disappointed with everything that surrounds me . Could I be living in the wrong place , in the wrong time ?

My friends tell me that I could be going through menopause .        Menopause ? 

When I was 42 years of age , I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer , which resulted in a hysterectomy . Chemotherapy followed and soon after that , I experienced my first night sweats and hot flashes . At first , I didn't realize what was happening until I added two and two together . Menopause has struck ! 

I read later that chemotherapy brings out your hot flashes , but that has been the extend of my symptoms . Do I believe this can be the cause of my emotional state ? Maybe , I'm not ruling it out . 

I've always thought that this feeling of dissatisfaction came from my spiritual side . As my spiritual side grew , I changed on the inside , trying to adjust to the secular world I have been residing in . 

Another thought was that maybe my heart was thirsty for another level of spirituality . I needed to spend more time with God  . I felt burnt out and perhaps a much needed rest from volunteering was in order . 

At the same time , a change occurred in my career . For a very long time now , I haven't been happy at work . I have been making the best of it  , putting on a smile and dealing with all the negativity . 

You see , I believe all of the above is correct . Menopause and the approaching age of fifty marks that the first half of my life is over . I want to shed my cocoon and reside elsewhere a whole new me . 

I have no desire to put on a brave face or a happy smile . 

I'm tired of being the one who always says " I'm sorry " just to keep the peace  . 

Maybe what I'm really tired of is making concessions for others while no one considers me . 


So , you see . . . . .
I'm almost fifty and I believe I'm going through a midlife crisis of some sort . The life of a recluse is more appealing to me as time goes by . My rose colored glasses have been tinted for a long time . . . . .  . 

Have a Blessed day everyone .