Meltdown No. 354

  Life is so funny . One minute we are up and the next .....well , you know . Just when we start thinking everything is hunky dory ---BAM ----- we get sifted as wheat .
  First time I read that verse ,  shivers ran down my spine . Funny , but I still get the same reaction . That verse scares the heck out of me . I believe it was in Job that I read it and look what happened to him .
  Back in September  , when I found out the cancer came back , I prepared for this journey . I contacted my H.R . Services and filled out the necessary paperwork . Took care of the hospital  and the doctor . Informed my supervisor and trained my replacement . Spoke to and comforted the family . I thought I crossed all my T's and dotted my I's . Even stocked up on supplies .
  I prepared myself for what was coming . I wanted to spend these 6 months taking care of myself physically . I've been there before and I knew what was coming  with the chemo and it's side effects . I envisioned myself sitting quietly at home convalescing . Why wouldn't I ? I took care of everything , didn't I ? Yeah , right .
  When you get sifted , everything gets thrown out the window . Paperwork got mislaid , thrown out , I don't know . Work changed my status , by mistake , to part-time equals no insurance . Then I just got erased like I don't even exist . One of my doctors went in happened . No money coming in because of the mess ups . It just stinks . Today , I found out we have a new disability company . No letter in the mail to inform me of this change . No phone call . Nothing . Basically , they have nothing on me . Great . All that to redo all over again . Same paperwork , same bull . No check .. . yet again .
   I can't believe how calmly I'm taking this  as I'm speaking to them on the phone . They are sorry for my inconveinence  , but if I just fax these papers over to them ....... ?
  I'm literally done . I just start crying . Meltdown no. 354 . Really , I have no idea how many meltdowns I had . I lost track . I'm tired people . Right now , the Lord can come down and take me because I certainly don't want to go through this bull again .
   I am so stressed  during this whole journey of mine . I am so under pressure like in that commercial where all the stuff keeps rolling down the street into one huge ball . That's me . I stress out before every chemo because I know how I will feel afterwards. I stress out before every check because I don't know if it will get here or not . I stress out before a doctor visit because I don't know if my insurance is okay or did someone erase me again . I stress out when I get in the car because I don't know if it will start .
   People call me a warrior . Where is the warrior now ? Laying in a heap on the bathroom floor sobbing like a baby because she can't handle life .   I am a wimp . I don't want to be sifted anymore . Lord , just take me now .
  There is no way to prepare . No way . When you're sifted , man are you sifted . Pray for me everyone .. . . please.


  1. Amen. I am with you, Lottie. I couldn't agree more and I'm not even going through half of what you are. Reading this made me think of the story of Elija the prophet of God, who got so exhausted serving the Lord and dealing with the craziness of his life that he went and hid in a cave and complained that he was just too worn out and scared to go on any more. God sent angels to minister to him in that condition. He sent him food, He gave him time to rest. And then He reassured him of His love and called him to come out of the cave, when he was ready. But while he was in the cave, God didn't scold him for being worn out and exhausted and wanting to give up. He gently and lovingly ministered to him in the depth of his need. He loved him. And He understood. I'm sure He's watching you too, Lottie. I think He's dispatching His angels right now to go and minister to you. He sees you, He loves you, and I'm sure He understands exactly how you feel.

    Praying for you, always...


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