Where Is This Coming From?

                                            Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.



Who cares for the burden,
 the night,
ess a light shines plain,
When a voice calls "Hail," 
and a friend draws rein,
With an arm for the stubborn load?

For life is the chance of a friend or two
This side of the journey's goal.
Though the world be a desert the long night through,
Yet the gay flowers bloom and the sky shows blue
When a soul salutes a soul.

--Unknown

I've never really had a midlife crisis that many people experience. I'm not even sure if I believe in one. I can say that I have been lately feeling very defeated and quite angry. Now, that truly scares me a bit. The last time I have ever been angry like this was many, many years ago when my youngest son died. It was the second time in about 3 or 4 years that I buried another child. Another son. 

That period in my life was the darkest where I was so full of anger towards God. I was brought up in the Catholic faith where we all had a cross to bear in life. The death of my first son was that cross for me. I lost one already and I just didn't understand why God would take from me again. That experience made me evaluate my life up to then and has changed me forever, for the better. 

Lately, I have found myself feeling that anger. At first, that anger would show up toward others or situations. I didn't recognize it for what it was, but thought to myself, I'm just stressed. Or that I don't like this person or the position I am in at work. I don't believe that to be true any longer. 

There seems to be something going on inside of me, something that obviously needs to come out. Something I need to address. I honestly feel that I have been a very dutiful person. No matter if I wanted to do something or not, I was always encouraged to put aside my own feelings or responsibilities to help my family. 

I wanted to lay aside all of that dutiful responsibility and do something just for myself. This trip with my brother ended up being a pilgrimage for me, just for me and no one else. I'm sure this journey has come to mean something different for Ted and me separately. Which is only to be expected, because we are two people with two completely different issues. I can only speak for myself now and if you are curious about his take on it, you should inquire of him yourself.

In conclusion of these past eight days away from home, I have learned so much about myself. One, even after all these years of not having a relationship with my father, I have no issues with him. I think that I have resolved whatever anger or resentment years ago. Deep down inside, whatever happened is over and it's time to move along. 

All the way home, I felt such freedom like never before. Somehow, my mind seemed clearer even though I don't know where the future will take me or my children. Yet, that is okay with me. The second thing I've learned is about my work and my take on it. It is time, my friends, to drop this constant nagging and complaining about how awful my work life has become these past few years. A new company on December 1 will take over and that means a new beginning for me.

Another thing, I can rest easy about Emily. No matter whatever the future will bring, whether I'm in it or not, she'll be fine, because she is a child of God. God takes care of His children, especially the ones that are obedient. Eight days away and she was fine. Just fine without me.

Sometimes, we need to get away from everything and everyone to focus on ourselves. One never knows what will come out of an experience. It could be vital. It could be cleansing. One just has to do it.

Have a blessed day everyone.