Looking In The Mirror

                            Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Thank you Father for creating me the way I am. Help me accept myself as the way you have mastered me with your Holy hands. You are my potter and I am the clay. What I see in the mirror is the result of your masterpiece. I wish to be no one else.

One of the hardest obstacles for me to overcome ever since my cancer journey began in 2007, had to do with image. My appearance has altered so much with the gaining of weight and body scarring, that I hardly recognized myself when looking in the mirror. It has been difficult to say the least.

It hasn't been easy to accept things the way they are mostly because of how others see me now. I have learned quite a bit about first impressions and fast judgments since my weight gain. No matter how much everyone may deny it, we are prejudice against heavy set individuals. I have learned that the hard way. 

I have heard countless advice on healthy eating, calorie intake or exercise tips. It seems I couldn't eat a piece of pie or anything sweet without someone pointing out to me how fattening it was and did I know that? Even now, since I have lost around twenty pounds from my radiation treatment, they still want me to keep going. 

"What's your secret to having lost weight, Lottie?" A co-worker asked me. 

"Illness," I replied. 

I'm not saying all this to get sympathy or tons of positive replies. I have learned so much these past years. I've learned to love myself. It was so difficult to stare in the mirror, especially after they marked me up for radiation and know that the technicians will also see this body. Having finished that treatment, I've come to the conclusion that it has been one of the hardest struggles thus far. I finished it. I succeeded. I overcame. 

When I stare in the mirror now, I don't feel shame like I once have done. These are my battle scars and they're mine. I could care less that I"m no longer a size 4 or 6, I'm just glad to have more time  with my children. I no longer care what others think of my appearance or if they make remarks about my weight or what I eat. I just laugh and call them prejudice. That usually does the trick. 

How in the world could I possibly be the same after all that I have been through? How could anyone expect me to be? It's a traumatic event in my life that I've gone through over and over again. Of course, I will never be the same again. Thank goodness for that, because I rather like who I am now. 

Have a blessed day everyone. 



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