It's funny how we don't realize what exactly we are going through or why until the storm is over. Then we can objectively analyze what has happened and why it needed to happen.
I didn't realize at the time that I was dealing with the idea that I might die. The entry below reminds me of that time and the struggles that I faced.
Have a blessed day everyone.
Dark Shadows All Around Me
My mood is a dark one . I feel that something has been chasing me ....a dark SHADOW
...something I can't quite pinpoint . It keeps following me around , taunting me , playing elusive games with me . Just when I think I can turn around fast enough to see what is behind me......I find IT is faster than me .
Eversince , this past chemo , I've been feeling this dread . Never , have I ever felt so bad after a TREATMENT like now . I feel sick and exhausted......WEAK . I feel weak . I put on a big front , but honestly , I hate this . I'm tired of this road .
Someone at the wedding yesterday , another CANCER SURVIVOR , made a remark how he is waiting for the cancer to return , because it will come . Maybe , this dark shadow , is that cancer . I will not be able to kill it , only subdue it . It will always be lurking in the shadows waiting to jump me . To overtake me . It's like living a life on the run . Who wants to live like that ?
Somehow I have to MAKE FRIENDS with it . Learn to accept it for what it is . But not right now . Now all I want is to live in my quite little place , not seeing anyone , not talking to anyone . Right now , I yearn for the quiet . I yearn for the fantasy ....
...something I can't quite pinpoint . It keeps following me around , taunting me , playing elusive games with me . Just when I think I can turn around fast enough to see what is behind me......I find IT is faster than me .Eversince , this past chemo , I've been feeling this dread . Never , have I ever felt so bad after a TREATMENT
like now . I feel sick and exhausted......WEAK . I feel weak . I put on a big front , but honestly , I hate this . I'm tired of this road .Someone at the wedding yesterday , another CANCER SURVIVOR
, made a remark how he is waiting for the cancer to return , because it will come . Maybe , this dark shadow , is that cancer . I will not be able to kill it , only subdue it . It will always be lurking in the shadows waiting to jump me . To overtake me . It's like living a life on the run . Who wants to live like that ?Somehow I have to MAKE FRIENDS
with it . Learn to accept it for what it is . But not right now . Now all I want is to live in my quite little place , not seeing anyone , not talking to anyone . Right now , I yearn for the quiet . I yearn for the fantasy ....THE SHUT IN by:Nellie De Hearn
she lives a prisoner within
the four bare walls of her poor ROOM
in the bright world she walks no more
yet cheerfully ACCEPTS her doom
and holds that life is very sweet
as eager she looks and sees
the golden sunlight daily creep
into her room
and with it weaves
fantastic dreams of rosy hue
delightful things
in which she sees
the sparkling earth bedecked with dew
green hills and vales and stately trees
she lives a prisoner
and yet
she gets more out of life than we
who walks bowed down with care
and fret
for things we are too blind to see
in the bright world she walks no more
yet cheerfully ACCEPTS
her doomand holds that life is very sweet
as eager she looks and sees
the golden sunlight daily creep
into her room
and with it weaves
fantastic dreams of rosy hue
delightful things
in which she sees
the sparkling earth bedecked with dew
green hills and vales and stately trees
she lives a prisoner
and yet
she gets more out of life than we
who walks bowed down with care
and fret
for things we are too blind to see
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