Throwback Thursday

Trust . . . .  a huge part of everyone's journey . Since then  , I have learned that trust is a lifetime growing experience rather than something we acquire after a quick course . We can waiver or grow stronger in our trust , depending on life's trials .

Another thing I have learned is patience . When things are going south pretty fast , not only do we need to trust , but have patience to sit still and allow God to do His part .

I did have  many cute and smart titles , though !

Trust , Trust ..... Where Art Thou?
    This being my second time around , I find people asking me primarily the same question . ......Is it the same ? Is it the same chemo type ? Are you feeling the same ? Are you having the same side effects ? etc, etc, etc . It's basically the same question . How is it like now ?
    There are more differences than similiarities . I'm not even sure if there are any similiarities other then the fact that I have the same cancer . Before , I dealt with my spiritual side . The part that was missing.....lacking in my life . Now it seems I'm dealing with my character.....the type of person I am . Or want to become .
    I have been walking around doing all the right things : going to church , bible study , volunteering , trying to behave in Christ-like way . I have seen a change in me and others have too. I haven't really gotten where I want to be . In fact , I have found I have alot of flaws in me . It seems I have been working on the big things but there are other things maybe not that noticeable to me . The key phrase here is " noticeable to me ".
   Yes , things are different now , only on the surface . For instance : the old me would have fought if confronted , blocked , hurt . Now ? My son says it best : I want peace at all cost . I will sweep it under , walk around it or  walk out the door before I have to deal with it . I do not want to deal with  anything . I want a peaceful existence . Or am I more afraid of the old me coming back ?
    So have I really changed ? Or have I just changed the way I handle things ? Again , I started writing about one thing and something else is coming out . God is so funny at times .
     Another thing I have noticed is that I put things off.....things that I don't like to do...unpleasant things . Or I break off personal relationships before they get serious because somehow I'm psychic and I can look into the future and see it will never work out .
      Boy , I'm really messed up . It really is all the same thing . I'm scared . I'm scared of my old-self coming back . I'm scared of getting hurt in a relationship...being taken for a fool . I'm scared of trusting . That's what this is all about....TRUST.
     Don't we all say , "I trust in the Lord" or " leave it with Him", but do we really ? I know I have a hard time with trust . I did an exercise on trust with my Sunday School Class once where they had to fall back and have their partner catch them from behind . I was amazed how these children trusted each other . They were falling back without a moment of doubt . Like a swarm of flies . Why can't I be like that ?Why can't I do that ? I want to let go .
    So is it different this time ? You better believe it . It's alot more personal somehow . All my fears , my vulnerabilities are right here in the open . I feel exposed before God. I am a Christian and I'm afraid to let go ....completely let go .
   I think I just found what my journey is all about


Popular posts from this blog

In Anticipation

The 100 Day Project:Day 15 Of Writing

An Early Riser . . . Once