To say I was angry during this next story is an understatement . I was very angry . Sometimes I think it's a curse rather than a Blessing when a long interval between illnesses occurs . During that four and a half years , I began thinking I might be cured and began making plans for my future .
I didn't understand that I could still do everything I ever wanted even if I was sick or not . It's all a state of mind . Another thing I learned was that we all need to face our mortality , especially when we have a chronic illness .
I have come a long way since that time . I'm not afraid of my cancer . It has become a huge part of my life , like a limb . At times , I even forget I have cancer . I am not about to stop living because I have a disease . Nor should you .
Getting Angry
Last night as I was "blogging" I could feel a certain anger rising . It really surprised me since I wasn't writing on an "angry" subject.I guess I have been suppressing my anger regarding this cancer comeback.I am angry.I AM ANGRY.
Why shouldn't I be?! Last time I almost died.I am a miracle .What I'm going through now is a picnic compared to the first time.It took all of the 4 1/2 yrs. to move on. My body still hasn't completely healed.Its not just about healing physically but also mentally.
I really, really wasn't expecting to go through this again...... AND it upsets me .Things were just starting to fall neatly into place.My feet were feeling the ground again.....firm ground .I could look into the future and actually see something . I was even starting to lose the weight.
Now what ? Back to square one.Its like running a race and a block before the finish line someone yells FOUL and you have to go back to the starting line.Well , I don't want to do this again .Its not just 6 months of treatment . Its 4 1/2 yrs of everything......of dealing with a body that doesn't resemble or act anything like it used to .
Then you get everyone on the sidelines telling you "stay positive" or "you can do it" or " you're stronger than you know". Easy for everyone to say . People are afraid of getting a shot .......how about taking my spot then?
Wow ! Didn't know all this was in me . Almost scary.....to think I could be so angry. Eve just had to touch that apple.
Have a Blessed day everyone .
Why shouldn't I be?! Last time I almost died.I am a miracle .What I'm going through now is a picnic compared to the first time.It took all of the 4 1/2 yrs. to move on. My body still hasn't completely healed.Its not just about healing physically but also mentally.
I really, really wasn't expecting to go through this again...... AND it upsets me .Things were just starting to fall neatly into place.My feet were feeling the ground again.....firm ground .I could look into the future and actually see something . I was even starting to lose the weight.
Now what ? Back to square one.Its like running a race and a block before the finish line someone yells FOUL and you have to go back to the starting line.Well , I don't want to do this again .Its not just 6 months of treatment . Its 4 1/2 yrs of everything......of dealing with a body that doesn't resemble or act anything like it used to .
Then you get everyone on the sidelines telling you "stay positive" or "you can do it" or " you're stronger than you know". Easy for everyone to say . People are afraid of getting a shot .......how about taking my spot then?
Wow ! Didn't know all this was in me . Almost scary.....to think I could be so angry. Eve just had to touch that apple.
Have a Blessed day everyone .
No comments:
Post a Comment