The Radiation

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

I, and the bird,
And the wind together,
Sang a supplication
In the winter weather.
The bird sang for sunshine,
And the trees for winter fruit,
And for love in the spring time
When the thickets shoot.
And I sang for patience
When the teardrops start;
Clean hands and clear eyes,
And a faithful heart.
--Arthur C. Benson

Lately, when I awaken in the morning, I find myself laying in bed just thinking. I think about everything and I mean everything. The minute my thinking turns negative I jump out of bed before the devil moves inside of me. That's my strategy. I want to stay on the right and stay away from the left.

This morning my thinking turned to my radiation since I had an appointment in a few hours for a simulation (sims). Even though, I have resigned myself to the act of receiving radiation, I still had problems with the idea of having to go there every single morning.  

Remember that I'm a creature of habit and there is something that I need on a daily basis or I will break. I need space. I need space for my Ministry and my writing. This is therapy for me. I can only run around from place to place for so long. If I don't get some space, I'll be a very crabby baby. 

So I laid there thinking how much I will dread losing a good portion of my morning, especially since I'm thinking of going back to work. That means, I will go there early in the morning, come home, eat, change my clothes and head out to work. I'm hoping there will be some time in between for space. 

I know what you're thinking. Radiation only takes a few minutes. Yes, it's supposed to, but I have been there in that radiation clinic three times already. Each time, I waited around 30 minutes just to be called. The nurse that takes care of me chats nonstop. The last time I was there from 9:30 until 11:15 a.m., that is not going to work. 

I know I'm fussing before anything actually happens. I think it has more to do with the uncertainty of what radiation will be like for me. Besides, going through cancer treatment is such a long process. A person's life sits on a shelf during that time. There is only so much a person can take. It is easy for everyone else who doesn't have to go through any of this.

God gives you only what you can handle. 
You're such a strong person. 
You can do this.
You need to stay positive.

I know I can, but I'm tired of doctor visits, scans and the constant waiting. Waiting for the pharmacy. Waiting for the scans. Waiting for the doctor. Waiting for the lab. Waiting for the fmla. My whole life consists of waiting. The worst part is that I cannot voice any of this, because if I do, all I'll hear will be:

God gives you only what you can handle. 
You're such a strong person. 
You can do this.
You need to stay positive. 

When all I want to hear is:

I'm sorry.
Let me pray for you. 

Whew, where did that come from? I guess, I did let the devil in after all. Well, back to the drawing board on that. So now I'm off for my simulation. Let's see how long I have to wait today.

Have a Blessed day everyone.


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