We Fall Apart

 Today at chemo , just when it was time to go in , my Emily fell apart completely.Totally brokedown....meltdown city. Cried and cried . She couldn't go in.Its almost like reality finally sanked in.She sat in the waiting room.It was , to say the least , a very hard day.
  It occurred to me that this isn't just about me.Even though I may want it to be ME , ME , PAMPER ME , LOOK AT ME I GOT CANCER .....there are other people in this too.I am important to my family.They love me and care about me.To think that they are not experiencing trauma , fear ,disappointment is pretty silly of me.
  Especially my children.My children , who have always seen me in the role of the strong one,dependable, unbreakable .We ,  as parents , spell security to our children.We are the foundation and when that foundation is cracked they are lost.Their security blanket is being taken away.To this day , both of my kids can't see me bald.It just brings it home for them.
 I looked at my phone and it was full.My mom dominated the messages and for once I didn't feel smothered.I just picked up the phone and dialed her number . I am her daughter and she must be devasted.If there is one thing I learned today its that we all are suffering. Not just me.
  As I had my infusion , all I could think about was the song by Josh Wilson ,"Fall Apart".How appropriate for what we are going through as a family. For those of you who have never heard it , I want to share it with you .The lyrics are very powerful.


Why in the world did I think I could
Only get to know You when my life was good?
When everything just falls in place
The easiest thing is to give You praise
Now it all seems upside down

'Cause my whole world is caving in
But I feel You now more than I did then
How can I come to the end of me
And somehow still have all I need?
God, I want to know You more
Maybe this is how it starts
I find You when I fall apart

Blessed are the ones who understand
We got nothing to bring but empty hands
Nothing to hide and nothing to prove
Our heartbreak brings us back to You
And it all seems upside down

I don't know how long this will last
I'm praying for the pain to pass
But maybe this is the best thing
That has ever happened to me


  1. So powerful, Lottie. Thank you for letting us join you on this very personal journey. Your honesty humbles me and blows me away...

    Maureen Sebek


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