Last night my body gave out.Had plans to go to a church event ,"The Art of Worship".Been looking forward to it all week.I just couldn't get my body to get up.I was so drained of all energy.I looked over to Emily's room and it was dark. She was getting her much needed sleep.We've been exhausted running on empty pretending everything is fine.
I look around my room full of unpacked boxes.Can't even see the carpet.We moved in September and I've yet to unpack.Every room is done except my bedroom.How ironic.Instead of tackling the problem all I'm doing is shoving boxes from one corner to the next.When am I going to deal with this?
In a way , I've been doing the same with my illness.Kept myself busy with this blog and answering e-mails.Doing errands and offering my help.Postponing any kind of emotional outburst on my part.You see,a month ago, I broke down and cried the entire weekend.If anyone looked at me, I burst out crying.I think , in a way, I've been avoiding another outburst like that.I don't want to feel weak.I don't want this sickness to rule over me.
Just a few days ago,I thought to myself,how calm I felt about it all.My one goal in life that I have always strived for spiritually is complete trust in God.Turn it over all to him.I know people who have reached that goal.I know it can be done.I assumed I was reaching that goal.
I realized this morning as I laid awake in bed, that achieving that goal would require some work on my part.Sitting here waiting for GOD to wave a magic wand over my head saying ,"POOF, now you have peace".Well,thats just plain silly.But I think we are scared of what we will find once we start peeling away the layers.Its hard to truly look at oneself in the mirror.....truly look.Its hard to admit failures and faults.
How else will we grow? How else will we better ourselves? How else will we develop a lasting and loving relationship with God? I want to find that peace ..that everlasting serenity that only HE can provide.
Joyce Meyers' once said that all you hear in the Bible is Jesus telling people to GET UP.Right now ,I need to GET UP and tackle this room.
Lottie - I believe that Jesus is right there with His arms around us when we feel weak. I believe that He completely understands and doesn't expect us to always be feeling strong. Admitting to Him our own weakness and need for Him is trusting Him! Trusting Him to understand, to care and to love us in our weakness. He may have said GET UP, but He also said: "Come to ME, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest..." Matt.11:28
ReplyDeleteHolding you up in prayer, Lottie, to the One who loves us, especially in our weakness and our need.