A Quiet Fourth

    Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.
                                       
Serene will be our days and bright,
    And happy will our nature be,
  When love is an unerring light,
    And joy its own security.
W. WORDSWORTH.

 So very quiet. I can't remember the last time there was such silence around here. It's almost uncanny. Even though we live in an eight unit apartment building, we're located right smack in the middle of a residential area of single family dwellings. It is very normal to hear the sounds of children running and playing, especially during the Summer months. On the weekends, the sidewalks are filled with people walking their dogs, children biking with their parents or neighbors cutting their lawn. There's always some commotion outside.

It's not exactly a quiet street as people live and enjoy their surroundings. It's one of my favorite things to do is to sit by my picturesque window and write, especially very early in the morning watching the world as the day unfolds. Quite beautiful and calming at the same time. One can learn so much about human nature just by quietly listening and watching. 

It was this serenity that brought back memories of another gorgeous day in another gorgeous place. Every year around this time, Joe and Aubs. go on a family vacation to Santa Claus, In. with their children. It has become a tradition they look forward to. On one of those times, I came with them. To this day, I remember fondly of getting up very early before everyone else and sipping coffee on the patio overlooking a lake. 

It was then that I felt such peace just sitting there watching a mother duck with her ducklings swim around in the early morning. It's amazing how the smallest things can bring such joy in our lives. We certainly do not need the extravagance or materialism to make us happy. It was then that I decided it was time for me to live a simpler life away from the city. One day, I told myself, I would come out here for a week to write. 

Of course, that peace and quiet would only last a mere ten minutes before the "Littles" realized I was outside and came out to join me while their parents slept. We would sit there, the children in their pajamas swinging on the porch swing while I drank my coffee, enjoying the quiet around us. I think they enjoyed it as much as I did.

One day. One day, we will move to a quiet and serene place as the one of my dreams. A place where I can enjoy the simple comforts of everyday life. I have no desire for city life any longer. I'd much rather look at corn fields than an array of cars amidst traffic blaring their angry horns. 

For now, we have this quiet morn to be thankful for. We might as well enjoy it since there is a parade coming soon. Happy 4th of July everyone.

Incognito

                                          Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

O yet we trust that somehow good 
Will be the final goal of ill,
 To pangs of nature, 
sins of will
,Defects of doubt, and taints of blood;

That nothing walks with aimless feet; 
That not one life shall be destroyed, 
Or cast as rubbish to the void,
When God hath made the pile complete.

--Alfred Tennyson.

Incognito: 
  When you want to do something and not be recognized, go incognito — hiding your true identity.

I'm such a fake! People seem to think that I'm this warrior of cancer! If they only knew how much it took out of me to get up every morning and just plain move. Incognito? That's my middle name. Whenever life becomes a little too much, I run as fast as I can inside of myself bringing out that hidden identity. An identity that conceals my true emotions.

That's just what I did upon arriving home from my second chemo. There is no way to escape the awful symptoms nor is there a way to avoid them. One has to deal with them. I turned off my phone, didn't go anywhere and basically wallowed in the side effects, avoiding everyone. Sooner or later, they will cease and I will feel good once again. 

A text here, messenger there. Yes, I am fine, just resting.  All lies, as I struggled with getting through the day. Even Emily made a remark in regards to my energy level. Yes, one becomes weaker with each treatment. I want to stay in bed and sleep.

The problem is that too much of it can be bad for one's mentality. At least, it is for me. I can lay around for only so much before my mind goes weary with depression. I need to get up, wash up, get dressed and do something. Anything, but wistfulness and daydreaming. We all know where my mind goes to when I think too much.

So this morning, with every ounce of strength I got up and took a shower, making every effort to get on with the day. Today would not be a day of laying around, feeling sick. Today would be a day of accomplishment. A sense of purpose engulfed me as my mind fought the desire of being another victim to cancer. The world awaits  and it's time I rejoined it. 

Have a blessed day everyone. 

Throwback Thursday

                                   Everyday is a brand new day, 

                                     everyday is a journey.

Here we are at yet another Throwback Thursday in the year 2013 where we take a look and provide an update on where we are now. 

Looking back, I can now see the sequence of events that led up to my Ministry. Back then, I had no idea nor would I have believed  it if I saw the future ahead of time. Who knew that this was to be my future?

As I've said this before, this Crocheting Ministry is truly all God's. He just points the way and I follow. In all these almost three years, I haven't ran out of yarn. He has provided for the supplies and he has provided people to make this happen.

A Surprise Delivery

I have to be honest with all of you. Since my donation of the slippers, I have been in a quandary on whether I should continue making more or should I move on to something else. Believe me, I have been feeling a sense of loss ever since I made that trip to U.I.C. I secretly hoped that I could continue and even started making some more.

Right before Christmas, a package arrived on my doorstep. I certainly wasn't expecting anything in the mail. At first, I thought that my Joe and Aubs. sent me something.

When I saw the return address, I really was surprised. It was from a dear friend I haven't seen in almost two years. The last time was at Aubrey's bridal shower. We have kept in contact with letters, but that's all. Curiosity took over my surprise and suddenly I couldn't wait to open it.

Inside the package, were different colors of yarn. She went to a thrift store with her sister and bought whatever they had in stock. I don't know if I can describe to you how shocked I was. My friend has no e-mail or Facebook. She hasn't ever read my blog, nor has she even used an Atm machine. How did she know about my project?

I sat there, surrounded by all that yarn, racking my brain trying to remember when have I told her. Did I mention it in one of my letters to her? I must have, because how else did she know. Not only that, but she has never expressed an interest in my blog or this project. In fact, we hardly ever mention my cancer.

To me, this package was a revelation from God. Here I have been asking and wondering on what I should do next . . . . . I felt God had answered me. He used an unlikely source, but the message was clear to me. Who knows where this batch will go. I've already made 18 pairs. I will continue to make them as long as God keeps sending me yarn to do so.

Let's see what He has in store for me now. Have a Blessed Week everyone.

The Reflection

                                                    Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                    everyday is a journey.

When we in darkness walk,
    Nor feel the heavenly flame,
  Then is the time to trust our God,
    And rest upon His name.
A. M. TOPLADY

All this free time has really set my mind in reflection. That could be a good thing or a bad thing. Too much thinking is never good, especially if you're a person like me who likes to analyze everything. The devil loves it when I'm in that mood! And in that mood I find myself way too often.  

I have spent way too much time these past weeks comparing myself to others. Or at least, my way of life to theirs. Look at their vehicle and then look at mine. See how far they have come in life compared to me? That sort of thing. Why do we do that? It's true what they say about idle hands and all.  

It seems that whenever I'm in a trial, my mind wanders back to all the things I've done and have wished undone. I only see the bad and not the good in my life. All those mistakes that shouldn't have been made.

The more I reflect, the more I want to get into my car and drive far, far away. Is this a rut that I'm in? Is it a mid-life crisis? Or is it change that I'm seeking? What is that new purpose? I want the "newness" to happen now, this minute. I don't want to work at it, go through it or deal with it. I just want it. Isn't that how we all are?

Even now as I write, I know the easy way cannot happen. I need to experience all of it so I could appreciate what comes out from the trial into the light. It's just so difficult to be trusting in the unknown. We all want things now and we want to know everything now. We don't want to wait or be in the dark. Trusting and waiting on God is hard to do, but we must. We must keep moving forward no matter how badly our minds wander, like mine has done. 

Oh, this mind of mine, stop wandering. Stop analyzing and just write! 

Have a blessed day everyone.

 

Cancer As A Blessing

                                                    Everyday is a brand new day,

                                                    everyday is a journey.


Make a rule and pray for help to keep it. 
Once a day spare room for a thought that will pursue a strong purpose.
Help in some way the progress of a weary soul who cannot repay you.
--M. B. S.

You know, I've always considered myself a cancer ambassador of sorts, because of this re-occurring journey of mine. I've tried to  make myself available to others who may be experiencing cancer for the first time. I've tried to be honest in writing about my cancer experiences as best as I can be. Yet, I've come to realize that I maybe offending people instead of offering comfort.  

Why would I say that?

Well, I'm speaking of two types of people: The ones who have cancer and the ones who don't. 

The ones who don't have cancer think my attitude towards my illness is fantastic. In their eyes, I'm upbeat, positive and living my life to the fullest. What they don't understand is all this work has been nine years in the making. I was different in 2007 than I was in 2011 and so on and so on.

To the ones who have cancer, well, all of the above irritates them. What they don't understand is that it has been nine years in the making. And so on and so on.

Since my own re-occurrence in May, I've come face to face with that irritation from fellow cancer patients. Both times, I could see it on their faces how angry I made them by my upbeat attitude, almost as if I was putting on a front. At first, I felt extremely defensive, finding justification in the fact that I've been at it a very long time. 

What a boorish attitude I have! Aren't I full of myself! Good for me! Looking back now, I'm almost ashamed of that attitude. I have forgotten to show compassion and understanding along with the wisdom of those nine years. There is a way to say and do things and apparently I haven't been doing a good job of it. 

Yes, I'm in a very good place in regards to my cancer, but that doesn't mean that everyone else is in that same place right along with me. I've forgotten that in every trial or storm we face, we feel alone and depressed. It's difficult to look at others who are Pollyanna when we are struggling. 

Talk about being insensitive! Shame on me. How can I be a blessing to others when I don't consider their feelings and where they're coming from? You see, it might have been nine years, but apparently , I still have plenty to learn.

Have a blessed day everyone.




 

Highlight Of The Week #20

                                                    Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                     everyday is a journey.

This week has been very uneventful and just downright boring. For the first time since my surgery, I really wished I was at work. That is saying a lot since work at this time of the Season is extremely hot! It's not that I had nothing to do, because my mentor came in from Texas and we hung out. I had breakfast with my bestie Belen and a visit from one of my nieces with her son.  I wasn't exactly alone.

My routine consists of rising early, eating breakfast and straightening up around the apartment. The place has never looked so pristine. Anytime I need to post a letter or get milk from the store, I've been walking instead of driving for a bit of scenery and exercise. I've caught up on my Bible study, read a couple of books, done crosswords and straightened up some paperwork. I've even brought out my crayons and colored pages of an adult coloring book. It's not enough.

I can't help, but go back to Emily's faithful words before the surgery. Mom, there's not enough to keep you occupied, because you like busyness. You will become bored.

Well folks, I'm officially bored! Besides, I'm running out of yarn. I have no more plastic bags for my homeless mats and my mind has become a total mush where I cannot write a sentence. I need a new purpose, but what could that purpose be?!

Unfortunately, I've picked up once again some of my bad habits from the past. Every evening, I turn on that stupid television watching aimlessly episodes of absolutely nothing. I did enjoy O.J. Simpson's Documentary and wish there were more of these types of programs.  Even my sacred rule of the Sabbath I've broken. No longer is Sunday family day. Everyday is family day. 

When my friend from Texas reached out to me, Emily couldn't wait to push me out the door. I think she is pretty sick of me, too. 

Have as Blessed day everyone. 

Happy Lazy Saturday Afternnon

                                          Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

It is not that I feel less weak, but Thou
  Wilt be my strength; it is not that I see
  Less sin; but more of pardoning love with Thee,
    And all-sufficient grace. Enough! And now
  All fluttering thought is stilled; I only rest,
  And feel that Thou art near, and know that I am blest.
F. R. HAVERGAL.

Sometimes, we have days where there is no urgency in anything we do. It doesn't matter that the chores are fully laden and overfilling. Our minds are empty of any work and totally filled with leisure. 

I sincerely had good intentions yesterday as I made my plans for today. I packed it tight as usual, getting up early to meet the day with expectation.  We're early risers here. I set out this morning to the neighborhood grocery store for milk and butter. We've been walking quite a bit lately, opting for the car to stay parked. It's so beautiful and sunny everyday, why not enjoy it?

On the way back, I could feel the sun upon my face and hear the birds chirping as they do very early in the morn. Suddenly, all desire to work left me as my mind filled with thoughts that had nothing to do with laboring.

Sometimes,  we want to lie on the couch watching nothing in particular while nibbling on an apple crumb cake and a glass of milk. The most strenuous activity involves stretching out the inactive limbs. 

Oh, lazy Saturday, how I welcome you! Enjoy this day that the Lord has made for us!

HAVE A blessed day everyone.