The Radiation 2

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

 The idea of radiation really broke me. I'm not afraid of the symptoms that come with it or or the act of radiation, but just the whole process. To think that I would have to give up so much of my time, valuable time. It disrupted my life so much that I wondered if any of it was worth it. 

I mean, I have to get up so early in the morning, drive around 45 minutes, get undressed and wait in the waiting room, get zapped for a fifteen minutes, get dressed again, pay for parking (6.75 each day), drive another 45 minutes back home and do that every single day for five weeks. All so I can do it all again next year.

You know, what that young lady from my meltdown said?  When it comes to one's health, it's all worth it. Mmmm, let me think about that. In another words, as long as I'm alive, the quality of life really doesn't matter. It's so easy for someone who has had cancer once or maybe twice, but I want to hear from the person who has a chronic illness. I want to hear if they're not tired of continually going to doctors, continually being treated by poisons, who continually have to deal with the side effects of the side effects. Aren't you tired of it all?

One of my Ministry ladies asked me, "Lottie, are you giving up?" Absolutely not, I will never give up, but I am tired. That particular day, that young woman really got to me. I wonder to this day, who was she really? As I lay on the simulation table, completely naked from the waist down with just a small sheet covering me, I thought back to these nine years. A male technician marked up my body, that exact spot for the radiation to zap my cancer. That sheet barely covering anything. Why even bother having it on? How many times during these years have I been humiliated? My body exposed for everyone to see? Where is my dignity? I laid there just like Jesus on the Cross, naked and exposed, pretending it didn't bother me.
 
When it comes to one's health, it's all worth it. Is it? Is it worth using all your vacation time on doctor's and tests year after year? Is it worth it for strangers to be poking and prodding away? Is it worth dealing with all the long lasting effects and the sleepless nights, because you're in pain? Because my leg hurts like hell? The leg that no one can tell me what is wrong with it? Just send me for more physical therapy. More visits and more tests.

So yes, I might sound silly and foolish. I might be over reacting and melodramatic, but I don't care. I'm going there kicking and screaming every inch of the way. I better be in remission for at least two years before any of this is worth it to me.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

The Meltdown

                                          Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.


I do not ask, O Lord, that life may be
A pleasant road;
I do not ask that thou would'st take from me
Aught of its load.
For one thing only, Lord, dear Lord, I plead:
Lead me aright--
Though strength should falter, and though heart should bleed--
Through peace to light.
--Adelaide A. Procter.

According to Rick Warren, there are three questions that are unanswerable.
Why me.
Why this.
Why now. 

I haven't written anything since my meltdown two Fridays ago. As much as I have embraced my cancer these past nine years, an encounter that particular day with a young lady really got me thinking. Mind you, I've already had a horrible day. It really has not been an easy transition this time around. I'm older (51 1/2) and I could see a real difference in how my body recovered from surgery and treatment. It was slow and exhausting. 

I met this young lady in the changing room of my radiation simulation. Her mom was here for her daily dosage of treatment. We began a conversation no different from any others I may have had. What kind of cancer do you have? What was different was her incredulous expression that I still have a job and that I drive myself. She then proceeded, incredulously, to ask me if I had any symptoms. Believe me, I could not shake off both her expression and questions for the remainder of the day.
 
When I told Emily of my conversation, her response was "Well mom, you have a different attitude about your cancer, you've found Christ."  As upset as Emily was about this encounter and the young girl's upsetting remarks, I think it's something else entirely. I don't believe the girl was being disrespectful in any way. I believe I was in total contrast to where her mom was at emotionally, spiritually and possibly physically. I already went through what she was going through now. This was my fourth and her mom's first. It's a huge difference here.

Yet, I couldn't shake off this feeling that there was something there I needed to see. It truly bothered me. I kept asking myself why am I doing this? Why am I going through all of this only for it to come back in a year or two? Who am I trying to impress with all the busyness of my life? The ministry, the blogging, working:what am I trying to prove?

 A lot of soul searching has gone on within my heart . I know I haven't been around for a while posting any blogs since my meltdown. I needed some much needed and deserved break from all the social media outlets. We have decided to turn off the television, the internet and staying away from games on Facebook and even e-mails. Instead, we have focused on the quiet. We watched old DVD movies like Terminator and Bourne. We spent every evening working out together to the Biggest Loser. There was such silence in the apartment, it felt both weird and relaxing at the same time. A pad and a pen became my therapist in place of all of you. I cleaned out my storage unit, all my drawers and even had time to go through my desk's paperwork.

You see, I just wanted to think. I wanted stillness, the silence. I didn't want to hang around anyone except for Church. I wanted to really think about what was going on in my heart. Obviously, something was hindering my emotions, desperately wanting to burst forth. What I wanted, what I needed to let go of, I just didn't know what that was. There is always something we need to let go of or learn. I've been feeling a deep sense of dissatisfaction and not only in one area of my life. I spoke with Joey. He listened and spoke to me not as a son, but as a Pastor and counselor. I love being a mother of adult children, because we can have an equal footing conversation.

I've discovered that during this entire treatment I have been uneasy. I felt like a cat or a dog that keeps circling over and over again on his bed until he finds that certain spot. Only problem, I haven't found that spot.  I have been feeling dissatisfied with my job, my car, my Ministry and even my writing. Being unhappy and being dissatisfied are two totally separate things. Overall, I am happy, but I wish improvements in certain areas of my life. Things weren't where I wanted them to be. Does that make sense?

I'm not sure what all of this means, but I do recognize the fact that I've been waiting on God and He's been waiting on me. All of my life, I've been scared to step out boldly, opting for the safe things. Everything God wants me to be are right there in front of me. So why am I so afraid to step out onto the water and walk towards it? If I truly trust Him, I won't drown. There's that word again, trust. Am I scared? Absolutely, but I'm tired of feeling dissatisfied with the way things are going. It's time to do something about it.

Have a Blessed day everyone.  

The Radiation

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

I, and the bird,
And the wind together,
Sang a supplication
In the winter weather.
The bird sang for sunshine,
And the trees for winter fruit,
And for love in the spring time
When the thickets shoot.
And I sang for patience
When the teardrops start;
Clean hands and clear eyes,
And a faithful heart.
--Arthur C. Benson

Lately, when I awaken in the morning, I find myself laying in bed just thinking. I think about everything and I mean everything. The minute my thinking turns negative I jump out of bed before the devil moves inside of me. That's my strategy. I want to stay on the right and stay away from the left.

This morning my thinking turned to my radiation since I had an appointment in a few hours for a simulation (sims). Even though, I have resigned myself to the act of receiving radiation, I still had problems with the idea of having to go there every single morning.  

Remember that I'm a creature of habit and there is something that I need on a daily basis or I will break. I need space. I need space for my Ministry and my writing. This is therapy for me. I can only run around from place to place for so long. If I don't get some space, I'll be a very crabby baby. 

So I laid there thinking how much I will dread losing a good portion of my morning, especially since I'm thinking of going back to work. That means, I will go there early in the morning, come home, eat, change my clothes and head out to work. I'm hoping there will be some time in between for space. 

I know what you're thinking. Radiation only takes a few minutes. Yes, it's supposed to, but I have been there in that radiation clinic three times already. Each time, I waited around 30 minutes just to be called. The nurse that takes care of me chats nonstop. The last time I was there from 9:30 until 11:15 a.m., that is not going to work. 

I know I'm fussing before anything actually happens. I think it has more to do with the uncertainty of what radiation will be like for me. Besides, going through cancer treatment is such a long process. A person's life sits on a shelf during that time. There is only so much a person can take. It is easy for everyone else who doesn't have to go through any of this.

God gives you only what you can handle. 
You're such a strong person. 
You can do this.
You need to stay positive.

I know I can, but I'm tired of doctor visits, scans and the constant waiting. Waiting for the pharmacy. Waiting for the scans. Waiting for the doctor. Waiting for the lab. Waiting for the fmla. My whole life consists of waiting. The worst part is that I cannot voice any of this, because if I do, all I'll hear will be:

God gives you only what you can handle. 
You're such a strong person. 
You can do this.
You need to stay positive. 

When all I want to hear is:

I'm sorry.
Let me pray for you. 

Whew, where did that come from? I guess, I did let the devil in after all. Well, back to the drawing board on that. So now I'm off for my simulation. Let's see how long I have to wait today.

Have a Blessed day everyone.
 

Throwback Thursday

                                          Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

  Here we at yet another Throwback Thursday where we take a look at the year 2013 and provide an update on where we are now. 

The chemo I was receiving in 2013 was one of the worst I've ever had. Or I should say, the side effects were the worst. My entire body broke out in these rashes, especially if I used hot water. At first, my oncologist thought they were basic rashes until the halfway point of my treatment where it spread like  wild fire all over my body. 

I had to take cold showers, use no deodorant or any restricting clothes, because of the irritation it would cause on my skin. Throughout the day, I would sprinkle on some corn starch all over my aching body for some relief. When it reached the bottom of my feet, my oncologist took me off and prescribed another type of chemo. 

Besides, I worked during this one, taking off a couple of days for treatment. My boss was a very demanding person who had no compassion for my condition. Yeah, not  a good experience.

Halfway Point

This approaching month will be my halfway point with the current treatment. So where am I at? How do I feel? What are your side effects? How are you? These are the main questions I have been asked.

So where am I? 

People seem to be worried how I'm handling this re-occurrence. They don't want to believe me when I tell them I'm good. They're expecting me to fall apart, especially Linda. When I tell her, she stares at me in disbelief. Why? Because Linda still hasn't accepted her condition. She still is at the angry and the why stage.

If I'm angry, it's not about this. I do hope that my next re-occurrence will be a longer interval in between like a few years. That would be awesome.

How do I feel? 

I never quite know how to answer that one. Should I really be honest and go into a lengthy and descriptive answer? Or should I say what everyone expects to hear like "I'm feeling okay"? I usually opt for the latter and say "it is what it is."

Honestly? By the time the halfway point comes (3 months), I'm fed up with everything. I want it over. Usually by now the side effects are in full force and my endurance is at a low. Yeah, it's getting old at this point.

What are your side effects?

People usually think that all cancer patients react the same way, which is not true. I've had three different types of chemo in the last six years and I've had three different kinds of side effects. My hands are red, dry, cracked and blotchy. I have a rash on my armpits, under my breasts, my thighs and not to mention some other private places. The palms and balls of my feet ache like callouses. My feet hurt.

At my last infusion, I only had the rashes on my thighs and head which my doctor didn't feel it was caused by my chemo, but something I have started using recently. I have used the same products for years. Gave me some pills and a cream. That was then. Now, my other list above has appeared and I'm curious what she will say caused it this time. It's not even a red rash but a darkened color.

How are you?
I'm crappy, that's how I am. I'm itchy and scratchy. My hands hurt. My feet hurt. I'm tired and sleep the whole weekend away. Otherwise, I'm okay. How are you? Plus, I've gained 5 1/2 pounds last month. Who knows how much next? So how am I? I'm ready for it to  be over and I'm crabby.

P.S.
 I am proud of myself for downloading my first pic \!
Have a Blessed Day everyone, even if I am crabby.

The Scorching Heat

                                                   Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                   everyday is a journey.

Well, I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm over this heatwave! June was absolutely gorgeous weather and my heart was aching for a balcony to enjoy the cool evening breezes. July was quite the opposite! Heatwave after heatwave ensued where going out was almost unbearable unless one headed out to the beach. Hopefully, this scorching heatwave will end soon. I miss my open windows!

I became like all the other seniors venturing out at the stroke of 07:00 every morning before the sun came out for all my errands. I'm definitely becoming a fuddy duddy complaining about the constant air conditioner air, blinding sun streaking through the picturesque windows and the perpetual sweating whenever one headed outdoors for any kind of activity. 

This morning was no different from all the others as I braved the early sun, marching to the nearest mailbox. I have walked this path every morning for the last two months, waving to my two new buddies, each sitting on their own separate front porch. I have no idea what their names are as we never introduced ourselves beyond the usual banter. 

"Another hot one today."

"Looks like rain."

"You're a little later than usual."

It dawned on me that I've become Mrs. Micholsen, my next door neighbor when I was thirteen. Every morning, rain or shine, Mrs. Micholsen walked to the mailbox to post a letter and bought a newspaper. I always thought to myself that she must have a lot of friends to be mailing a letter every single day!

This is what my life has come down to where I get up, eat my toast and drink my coffee. Then I get dressed and head out to the mailbox or store for that milk or bread or other mundane thing that I probably don't need. Let's not forget my usual "Good morning" to my new nameless friends. What will they do when I go back to work? Most likely they'll find some new friend to replace me.

Peeking out my window now, I can see another retired neighbor sweeping his speck-less front steps. A regular daily ritual of his. I guess we're all  looking for something to do or at least make it look like we are busy. Is this what it has come down to? Next thing you know, I'll be sitting outside saying "Good morning" to all who pass by.                              

"Another hot one today."

"Looks like rain."

"You're a little later than usual."

Have a blessed day everyone.
 

The Language Of Flowers

                                                       Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                       everyday is a journey.


He who plants a tree,
 he plants love; 
Tents of coolness spreading out above 
Wayfarers, he may not live to see. 
Gifts that grow are best;
 Hands that bless are blest; 
Plant-life does the rest! 
Heaven and earth help him who plants a tree, 
And his work his own reward shall be.

--Lucy Larcom.

It's certainly been a long time since I sat down and read a book cover to cover without interruption. I have an entire bookshelf full of books and magazines, some even overflowing onto the floor. I love books! I've always wanted an entire wall of bookshelves from ceiling to floor. Love, love books. 

Back in April when my cancer returned, I decided  to take advantage of the recovery season to sit down and read some of these books. One of the very first happened to be called The Language Of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh. It was a book from my sister-in-law Pam for my fiftieth birthday.

The book itself is about a young girl who spent her childhood in foster care unable to connect with anyone and "her only connection to the world is through flowers and their meanings."
  
I read this book without interruption while undertaking my first chemo infusion. For three quarters of the book, I couldn't put it down. When the last quarter came, I couldn't deal with her choices and became afraid the book would end badly. I had to stop, put the book aside to absorb my frustration.

I thought about it for a minute. Why was it so important to me for this character to succeed? I mean, reality in itself isn't always a happy ever after. Many times, life for some even becomes worse. We don't always make the right decisions. Sometimes, we keep digging ourselves into deeper  holes filled with chains.

 The more I thought about it, the more I understood then that we are looking for a good ending. I don't care how intellectual you may be, you want a happy ending. You want to believe that there is hope for all of us. We see too much of reality out in the world. We see people struggling, losing themselves in situations beyond their scope. We want to believe in a happily ever after. 

Did the book end well? That's for you to read and find out. No spoilers here! One of my favorite things about this book was the section in the back with the different definitions of every flower out there. How lovely and romantic would it be if we received flowers based on the emotions of the giver? Or the emotions that the giver wanted to evoke in us? Alas, that's the romantic in all of us.

Have a blessed day everyone.


 

Blessings Galore

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.



The Lord will guide you continually
And satisfy your soul in drought
And strengthen your bones
You shall be like a watered garden
And like a spring of water whose 
waters do not fail.
Isaiah 58:11 

We have a thwarted view of what blessings really look like, don't we? We expect them to be grand and over zealous in nature. We want and expect great blessings to be poured over us. I mean, we are so much better than that person at Church or at work or across the street from us. They're heathens and we of course, are saved.

When life is great, we all think like that, but the minute it becomes a little ugly . . . . . well, we're not exactly Job's, are we? We demand. We sob. We beg. We make deals with God. We make excuses for our behavior. Anything to get back on top.

The last few months, I feel I've been one of those people I described above. You see, I've fallen off the trust wagon the minute I said I  trusted Him. I have great faith.

 Jesus answered, "I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me."
Luke 22:34

I am an idiot! In all of this wailing, I have been blessed numerous times, but just not in the way I wanted to be. I wanted more and God was like you have more than enough!

Why are we like that? Why are we behaving like brats as if it was owed to us? What have we done to earn all of these demands? Looking back, I'm more ashamed of my behavior especially since I've always considered myself such a faithful servant of God. Boy, how we have fallen!

I am blessed daily, sometimes in a small ways and others bountifully. It could be as small as a penny on the ground or as grand as a raise. Why couldn't I see that? Have I become the most trusting person in the world? Not exactly. Even now as I write, I'm just a short minute away from panic mode whenever I think of the upcoming months.  I may feel overwhelmed, but I quickly shrug it off by occupying my mind with something else. So far it has been working. Praise God!

Have a blessed day everyone.