Blessings Galore

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.



The Lord will guide you continually
And satisfy your soul in drought
And strengthen your bones
You shall be like a watered garden
And like a spring of water whose 
waters do not fail.
Isaiah 58:11 

We have a thwarted view of what blessings really look like, don't we? We expect them to be grand and over zealous in nature. We want and expect great blessings to be poured over us. I mean, we are so much better than that person at Church or at work or across the street from us. They're heathens and we of course, are saved.

When life is great, we all think like that, but the minute it becomes a little ugly . . . . . well, we're not exactly Job's, are we? We demand. We sob. We beg. We make deals with God. We make excuses for our behavior. Anything to get back on top.

The last few months, I feel I've been one of those people I described above. You see, I've fallen off the trust wagon the minute I said I  trusted Him. I have great faith.

 Jesus answered, "I tell you, Peter, before the rooster crows today, you will deny three times that you know me."
Luke 22:34

I am an idiot! In all of this wailing, I have been blessed numerous times, but just not in the way I wanted to be. I wanted more and God was like you have more than enough!

Why are we like that? Why are we behaving like brats as if it was owed to us? What have we done to earn all of these demands? Looking back, I'm more ashamed of my behavior especially since I've always considered myself such a faithful servant of God. Boy, how we have fallen!

I am blessed daily, sometimes in a small ways and others bountifully. It could be as small as a penny on the ground or as grand as a raise. Why couldn't I see that? Have I become the most trusting person in the world? Not exactly. Even now as I write, I'm just a short minute away from panic mode whenever I think of the upcoming months.  I may feel overwhelmed, but I quickly shrug it off by occupying my mind with something else. So far it has been working. Praise God!

Have a blessed day everyone.

The Fakery

                                                   Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                   everyday is a journey.

Am I wrong to be always so happy? 
This world is full of grief; 
Yet there is laughter of sunshine, 
to see the crisp green on the leaf, 
Daylight is ringing with song-birds, 
and brooklets are crooning at night; 
And why should I make a shadow when God makes all so bright?
Earth may be wicked and weary, 
yet cannot I help being glad! 
There is sunshine without and within me,
 and how should I mope or be sad?
 God would not flood me with blessings,
 meaning me only to pine
Amid all the bounties and beauties he pours upon me and mine; 
Therefore I will be grateful, 
and therefore will I rejoice; 
My heart is singing within me; 
sing on, O heart and voice.

--Walter C. Smith.

I laid around for what seemed like hours after turning off the alarm. I always set the time for an hour earlier than what I need to just for this purpose. It was so dark and it stayed dark, that it provided me with an illusion of having more time. In actuality, the clouds were darkened by rain and it wasn't until the thunder and lightening came that I realized the time.

I shouldn't be laying around in the first place. My mind begins drifting off to dark places where it has no business being, but I couldn't help myself. I knew I had to get up and face another round of radiation. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this. I've gone through some horrible, horrible health experiences and never ever has it been such a head thing as now.

 After each treatment, as I dress, I stare at my reflection in the mirror in front of me. My entire front is so ravaged from these past nine years. My scars are huge and wide, overtaking a major part of my front.  My belly button doesn't even resemble itself. I can point to every scar and tell you what year it came from and from what. Now, from my bellybutton to my my thighs, my body has been marked in black and red marker. It's looks absolutely atrocious.

When I lay on the radiation table, my bellybutton to my pelvic area uncovered, I feel so exposed. I feel like everyone can see this ravaged body. Why does this bother me so much, I cannot explain fully. It has nothing to do with nudity since the entire hospital has seen me by now.  I no longer can hide behind a smile or a positive attitude. The important question is, who am I really hiding from? You cannot see me.  Am I hiding from God? Or myself?

There is so much falseness around me. My family is in total disarray. Family members not getting along, sisters not speaking to one another, father/daughters unable to mend their broken relationships. You could not round up the entire family in one room right now. There would be someone having an issue with someone else. But, take our picture. We look gorgeous.

It's no different at work. In all honesty, with how many would I or you be willing to break bread with? Yet, we put on our smiles and a happy attitude and pretend we're all friends. That neighbor across the street. Do I really like them? Or am I hiding behind my smile?

A few months back, I wrote about a lady I met in chemo. She was so miserable and my happy, positive attitude made her even more angry. I couldn't understand how she could be like that. Why couldn't she accept her situation. Wouldn't it be better for her? The irony of it all? Now I'm the one sitting to the side looking all miserable. Why can't I accept my situation? Wouldn't it be better for me? God, how I hate looking in that mirror.

Have a Blessed day everyone. 


 

Highlight Of The Week #21

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Though waves and storms go o'er my head,
    Though strength and health and friends be gone,
  Though joys be withered all, and dead,
    Though every comfort be withdrawn,
  On this my steadfast soul relies,--
    Father! Thy mercy never dies.
JOHANN A. ROTHE.

These past weeks have been serving more of a dual purpose. Either it's a good day or a bad day kind of experience. Believe me, I couldn't wait for my last chemo, knowing that at least this part of my treatment would soon be over. It is a great comfort to know only a few more weeks and my life can go back to normalcy as soon as possible. 

I'm more than ready for the next chapter to begin. I know that purpose I was searching for is waiting for my complete recovery. That will involve many changes, but I believe these changes are both necessary and welcome. Change is good. 

It's funny how my life, looking into the future, may seem uncertain and yet, I'm content. I don't give the future too much of my time thinking and worrying over something I cannot control nor do I want to. I can die today and I will be fine. I can die next year and I would be fine. I don't think of my life in increments of life and death. To me, I'm living life whether here or in Heaven. Personally, I can't wait to give God's work full attention. That's a true contentment.

Like I said earlier, these past few weeks certainly have been a learning curve about myself and the people in my life. Not all the things I've discovered have been pleasant, especially in regards to myself. Sometimes, looking in that reflective mirror is way too revealing and we find that crack in our armor. No one wants to see that let alone deal with it.

The three of us here (Myself, Emily, Diamond) have finally adapted to each other and are no longer breathing within the other persons comfort zones. We respect each others space, or at least, Emily and I do. Diamond just does whatever she wants. Isn't that just like any pet?

Have a blessed day everyone. 

 

A Health Update

                                                        Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                        everyday is a journey.

The last thing I wanted to do was to get up early for an appointment with my radiation doctor. As much as I love him (he laughs at all my jokes) I felt extremely tired and wanted to lounge around at home. Something I do everyday. 

The weekend before, which was also the week of my last chemo, we all drove to Springfield for a Christmas in July family get together. As nice as it was, it did wear me out. It seems I've been laying around all week recuperating.

As I sat in Dr. H. office, I kept yawning secretly wishing I was at home. All in all, he did give me some good news. I have to do a Ct. scan and come back for a Sims. I have an idea of what that is, but I'm not sure I can explain it well to all of you. If everything comes back good, I might only need two weeks of daily radiation instead of five. I was so happy I almost kissed the poor man. All of this might be over sooner than what I thought. 

One  might think it couldn't get any better, but it did. One of the nurses came in and handed me this wonderful package from Subaru Inc. 

Usually, I'm the one passing out whatever my Ministry has made and this time, I'm the recipient. It felt good. Plus, it provided me with an idea of how others may be feeling whenever we donate. No matter how small something may appear to us, it is a blessing to feel loved by others. 

Have a blessed day everyone.
 

Throwback Thursday

                                           Everyday is a brand new day,

                                            everyday is a journey.

  Here we are on another Throwback Thursday where we take a look back in the year 2013 and provide an update on where we are now.

I felt very sad after reading this post. We were a group of 5 back then who were fighting cancer. Right now, there is only the two of us and I haven't seen him for a long time.  I know many people who have had a cancer scare or were dealt that card in life. When people have trials such as these, they cling to others who went through the same thing. There is an understanding between us that doesn't require any words. Expressions are enough.

Even though there were the five of us during this time, each of us were at a different level of acceptance. One of us, never accepted and struggled until the very end.

Storms From The Past

  The week began with the depressing news of Linda's friend (who also has cancer) in the hospital with pneumonia. For a minute there, we actually thought it was Linda in the hospital. That's what happens when you read only a part of the message . . . . you get it wrong.

  I also spoke to someone who has been ill for awhile and just found out she also has breast cancer. Every word that came out of her mouth reverberated with anger. She didn't have to yell, but it was obvious she was upset with the dose that life gave her.

  After hanging up, I realized she was me a year ago. That's how I felt the last time the cancer returned. You keep asking yourself: How many times will this happen to me ....? When will this be finally over? I understand how she feels.

  Once the memory vault opened up, I couldn't stop myself reverting to when it all began in the year 2007. That's where my mind has been all week. I can go back and relive everything without any sadness or depression. I never want to forget . . . . not ever. That was the best thing that ever happened to me as strange as that might sound.

  I also realized that I've never  really told anyone my full story. This blog was started halfway through my journey with cancer. Maybe, it's time to go back and revisit. For the next couple of days, let me tell you my story. Until then, have a Blessed Night.

Becoming A Mary

                                                 Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                   everyday is a journey.


There is a story of Martha and Mary in the Bible. A story of two sisters who couldn't be more opposite in nature. One day, they were entertaining Jesus in their home. Mary, sat by His feet listening to all He had to say while Martha ran around absorbed in details of having such an important visitor in their home. Martha became very angry with her sister for not helping.

I am a Martha. I can quickly become involved in the busyness of life. It took me a long time to understand why Mary was the better person here. Mary took the time to spend and learn from Jesus while Martha was too busy being lost in all the details. Martha missed out on quite a lot by her own doing.

This morning, as I again headed to my bed with my coffee and toast, I had a sort of an epiphany. You see, here I am provided an opportunity to take it easy and rest. Yet, instead of enjoying this moment, I'm complaining and fighting myself. Here I've been searching for that new purpose in my life and instead of resting my mind, body and soul for it, I'm rebelling. 

Why do we feel guilt for when we rest? How can I be productive when that new purpose does arrive if I don't take the time to smell the roses now? How many people wish they had an opportunity to catch up on reading or watching their favorite program? When I do go back to work, I'd be praying for a couple of days off. 

So no more complaints of too much idleness or at least for now. Wink! It's time to catch up on The Walking Dead or A Chef's Life. Or something else. Bring out the books piled high on my book shelf. It's time to be more like Mary and see what lessons I'm here to learn. 

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Not What I Expected

                                                       Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                       everyday is a journey.

I have learned, as days have passed me,Fretting never lifts the load;And worry, much or little,Never smooths an irksome road;For do you know that somehow, always,Doors are opened, ways are made;When we work and live in patienceUnder all the cross that's laid.

--Unknown.

When I first made the decision to go ahead with this treatment, which involved surgery, I sublimely made grand expectations. I knew that I would have difficulties dealing with the idleness of recovery. Therefore, I concocted a list of activities that I could do sitting down. This list consisted of all the things I've wanted to accomplish, but never had the time. It was an ambitious list, but not a realistic one. 

You see, back then, I was thinking like a healthy person and not like a person with an illness.  That same list was tore down just the other day as I was filled with disgust with the lack of energy I've been feeling lately. 

Every morning as I wake up and prepare my breakfast, two things determine what kind of day I will have. Either I sit down at my desk with my coffee and toast or I sit down on my bed with my coffee and toast. 

When I sit at my desk, I have a very productive day. I'm not sure why. It could be the picturesque scenery outside my window. It could be the act of sitting up and becoming more mobile. When I begin my day at the desk, it's go go go for the rest of the day.

Quite the opposite happens when I choose the latter. I end up reading or crocheting or watching a movie. The day is slow and so are my actions.  

I find myself having more of the latter kind of days than the productive ones. I truly have set myself up for failure by setting up these super unattainable goals. To be fair, it hasn't only been the goals that have brought me down. There is also the subject of fmla, the car breaking down, the constant worrying or the intense humidity of July. 

I expected none of these things. Somehow, I expected to be a writing demon, issuing forth story after story. Instead, I find myself full of laziness, my mind an absolute blank as to what to actually write.  A blank white page stares up at me and no idea forms.

It was the same with the forms and paperwork of fmla. I expected everything to flow freely since I took care of these papers a whole month earlier. That's not what happened. Instead, I found myself spending endless mornings between work, fmla and my doctor. It shouldn't be like this. I have benefits. I pay my dues and I pay my taxes. I should not be treated in this manner. Not by my company and definitely not by my country. 

As to the worrying, all of it is my fault. Earlier this year, I prayed to be more trusting of God. Well, ask and you shall receive. Everything that could go wrong, has. The fmla approval was delayed, the finances were delayed, the recovery has been slow, the car has broke down over and over again. Talk about trusting God! I worried. I fretted. I got on my knees. I prayed. I yelled. I did it all. I was humbled. 

So my convalescence wasn't exactly what I expected nor did I want. I had visions of relaxing days, almost like a spa, than what really occurred. Sort of stupid of me. As August approaches, I've become more realistic. I expect nothing. When you expect nothing, even the smallest amount will make one happy. 

Have a Blessed day everyone.