A Cold Blistering Sunday

The weather forecast calls for 90% chance of rain, and we prepare carrying our umbrella. You just know it will rain all day. That's what happened this weekend. It's been raining, drizzling at times and an outpour at others. The wind has been blowing and the mighty trees have been swaying. It looks more like the approaching of Fall rather than Summer.

I sit at my desk in front of my window, watching people huddled in jackets under their umbrellas hurrying with their errands. Huddled, because our bodies brace themselves automatically against the chill. No matter what Fall gear they're wearing on top like jackets, hats and scarves, it's all worn over shorts. Almost as if refusing to accept this weather.

That's what my desk looks like today, like that picture above. The window pane is streaked with raindrops and tea with honey warms my belly. A desire to write overwhelms me as the picture in front of me unfolds.

There is comfort in the storm. Nothing explains His power better than a blistering storm outside my window. For all that is going on out there, I am comforted and safe inside, all fear escapes me. I can witness all the strife, but I am comforted with His love. I am safe within His arms.

I have never been afraid of storms. To me, it has always represented a washing away of the old and dirty, bringing forth a new growth, greener and better than before. Just try to remember how green it is after a good long storm, almost like a rebirth. Shed that skin, shed that sinful layer. Come forth and let the rain wash over you in a refreshing cleanse of redemption.

Christ alone, Cornerstone
Weak made strong in the Savior's love
Through the storm
He is Lord
Lord of all

Happy Sabbath everyone.

Love, Child Style

I love children, period. It does not matter to me what color they are or gender. To me, a child is a child. I could take a stranger's child and raise them up as mine, loving and caring for them completely.

I've always wanted many children, even secretly hoping for a set of twins. Unfortunately, things didn't quite work out that way. I did have four children, but have only two to show for it.

The other day as I was looking through some old papers, I came across  the grave markings of my son's graves. It's been a very, very long time since I've been to their graves.

In the earlier years after their deaths, I visited regularly usually with family members. I would watch them literally bawl their eyes out in grief and yet, no tears came from me. I didn't feel anything sitting at their graves. For a long time, I felt inept as a mother because of it. How could I not cry at their graves?

Yet, I would arrive home afterwards and think about them. I would remember their scent and the tears would come. I could remember their last day as if it happened yesterday. So why couldn't I cry at their graves?

It took many years for me to realize that I felt their presence around me everywhere I went, especially at home. That grave, that cemetery had nothing to do with them except the fact they were buried there. They lived their lives here with me, no matter how short. Their memory wasn't in that cemetery. Their memory lives inside of me.

Ever since I found that slip of paper, I've been wanting  to go visit that gravesite. I'm not sure of  the why. All I know is that suddenly I needed to go. Would I be able to even find them after all this time? Most importantly, what would I feel?

Well, there's only one way to find out.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Throwback Thursday

Looking back on my life with cancer, I am so very grateful to have this precious gift of life. This journey has taught me so much about myself, about the people in my life and about my relationship with God.

The idea of death is something we all need to deal with at some point in our lives. I just have to deal with mine a little sooner than most. Once you make that  decision, life becomes easier and a lot enjoyable.

Acceptance

    The morning sun streams across my bedroom filling it with a warmth that is a lie . It's freezing outside . Winter is coming . As sick as I have been feeling , my mood is pretty bright as the sun outside . I feel different this week . Acceptance is settling in . No more anger or disappointment at having to relive cancer again . It has become a way of life for me and it's time for me to make peace with it .
    My priorities in life have changed once more . All I want now is to live a peaceful life . I want to live a certain way . Carefree and worry free that ' s the new  me . I want to run away to the country more than ever .
    For the first time in a very long time I feel thankful . There are no regrets any longer . I needed to go through life to be where I'm at now . I definitely wouldn't have been the same person unless I experienced every miserable moment . We don't want to think about the bad times but it's the bad times that define us . Make us who we are .
   Am I scared ? You better believe it . I have no clue as to what is coming . Yesterday , I saw Adrianna 's husband and he looked wonderful . Happy , smiling  and his hair growing back . Came down to take pictures of his children during Sunday school. We all have to move forward . Acceptance .

Simply Words?

Words hold plenty of power. If you're a human being living on this Earth, you have been both a victim and a victor of words. Why do people want to hurt one another so very badly, especially with words? Sometimes, I think we are so engrossed in this world that we forget what we are doing and saying.

Words have a huge affect on how our day goes, how we feel about ourselves and how we deal with others. Words can affect our whole outlook on relationships with those around us.

Words are one of the reasons why I have a difficult time living in the secular world. I don't even think that people are aware of what they are saying. They just blurt out the first thing that pops into their heads.

There is a STOP sign right in front of our building. If you could hear some of the things that come forth out of these mouths. It's like pop=pop=pop without a second thought. I wonder if I recorded them and played it back to them, how would they react? Would they be ashamed? No, they would be on the defensive, feeling justified for their behavior.

I, myself have lost my cool on occasion, but believe me, I recover a lot faster than some. If not, The Holy Spirit or Emily will quickly bring me back. It has happened.

He who sows courtesy reaps friendship, and he who plants kindness gathers love.
Saint Basil (330-379) 
Matthew 15:18 (ASV) But the things which proceed out of the mouth come forth out of the heart; and they defile the man.


None of us are perfect people and we need constant reminders to stay on the straight and narrow. Let's watch our words, people.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Multi-tasking All The Way

I love to multi-task. One would usually find me in my room, sitting at my desk, with the television playing or an audio on my computer. The computer is on with multiple windows opened at once (my e-mail, Facebook and blog). Next to my desk is my basket of yarn and current piece that I'm working on. Under my desk, there is a small container for all my papers and mail that I need to sort through. On top of my desk, under my keyboard, lies a large calendar with all appointments and important dates penned in accordingly.

I am, somewhat organized. The only problem happens to be that my bedroom is a multi-purpose room, which usually ends up being crowded and cramped. Oh well.

I am at any time working on three of these things at once.  Besides all that, there could be a load of laundry downstairs or a meal being cooked on the stove or oven. I might drop things in here and run out into the living room to vacuum quickly. Whichever, multi-tasking is a way of life for me that I enjoy thoroughly.

When my computer crashed and my phone was not working, I thought I would go nuts. I spent that week only crocheting and watching television. My poor mind went haywire with only that as an activity to process. I learned then that instead of relaxing, I became even more stressed unable to focus and worrying about all that I wasn't doing.

I suppose all of this sounds crazy to you, but time is so important to me. The last thing I ever want to do is waste it. I know that everyone is saying quite the opposite about us multi-tasker's and how we need to slow down, but is it really that bad? Considering how the world has become so demanding of our time, so what if we kill two birds with one stone.

Or at least, that's how I comfort myself. I know that sooner or later, my life will take on a more quiet and leisurely lifestyle. In the meantime, I love to be busy and I love  to multi-task.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Simply Flax

So lately, my mission has been to ease the pain of my arthritis. The last thing I want to do is pop pills all day long, so the plan is to go as naturally as I can.

I have been trying different methods like soaking in a hot water or stretching exercises. Even when I'm sleeping, I try to elevate my legs or use a ice pack to bring down the swelling. It's hardly 100% proof, more like 50%, but I'd like to think it helps.

I love to hear of natural ways of healing ourselves like in  our grandparents day. People used home remedies to cure or ease their discomfort. When someone brought up flax seeds as a good remedy for arthritis, I thought I'd give them a try.

The fact is, I never knew flax seeds had so many benefits. It's not only good for arthritis (inflammation), but also for lowering your bad cholesterol. All it takes is a small sprinkle over your food or in your drink. Below are more informational facts regarding flax seeds.

 Flax seed nutrition facts

Flax seed, also known as linseed, is one of the ancient cultivated crops since Mesopotamian times, grown for its oil seeds and fiber. Its chewy seeds are packed with full of nutrients, omega-3 fatty acids, antioxidants, minerals, and essential vitamins. Of late, health benefits of flax has widely drawn the attention of nutrition researchers as well as health enthusiasts alike across the planet.

Health benefits of Flax seed

• As in other oil seeds, flax too is one of the very high-calorie foods. 100 g of seeds contain 534 calories or 27% of daily-required levels. Further, the seeds are an excellent source of numerous health-benefiting nutrients, dietary fiber (mucilage), minerals, antioxidants and vitamins that are essential for optimum health.
• Flax seed is rich in monounsaturated fatty acids like oleic acid. It is also one of the top plant sources of omega-3 essential fatty acids such as linoleic acid, alpha-linolenic acid (ALA) and arachidonic acids. Regular intake of small portions of flax seeds in the diet helps to lower total as well as LDL or “bad cholesterol” and increases HDL or “good cholesterol” levels in the blood. Research studies suggest that Mediterranean diet that is rich in fiber, monounsaturated fatty acids and omega-3 fatty acids help to prevent coronary artery disease and strokes by favoring healthy blood lipid profile.
• Flax seeds are perhaps one of the most widely available botanical sources of n−3 or ω (omega)-3 fatty acids. Flax seed oil consists of approximately 55% ALA (α-linolenic acid). One spoonful of flax seed oil provides about 8 g of omega-3 fatty acids. Research studies have suggested that n-3 fatty acids by their virtue of anti-inflammatory action help lower the risk of blood pressure, coronary artery disease, strokes and breast, colon and prostate cancers. Adequate quantities of n-3 oils are required for normal infant development and maturation of nervous system.
• The seeds contain lignans, a class of phytoestrogens considered to have antioxidant and cancer preventing properties.
• Flax are an excellent source of vitamin E, especially rich in gamma-tocopherol; containing about 20 g (133% of daily-recommended values) per 100 g. vitamin E is a powerful lipid soluble antioxidant, required for maintaining the integrity of cell membrane of mucus membranes and skin by protecting it from harmful oxygen-free radicals.
• The seeds are packed with many important B-complex groups of vitamins such as riboflavin, niacin, thiamin, pantothenic acid, vitamin B-6, and folates. Thiamin is an essential co-factor for carbohydrate metabolism and helps prevent beri-beri disease. Folates help prevent neural tube defects in the fetus when consumed during pre-conception period and pregnancy.
• Furthermore, flax seed is rich source of minerals like manganese, potassium, calcium, iron, magnesium, zinc and selenium.
• Flax or linseed oil has flavorful nutty aroma and has been used in cooking, and as “carrier" or "base oil” in traditional medicines and in pharmaceutical uses.
• 
  Flax Seed is Rich in Omega-3 Fatty Acids: Omega-3 fatty acids are a key force against inflammation in our bodies. Mounting evidence shows that inflammation plays a part in many chronic diseases including heart disease, arthritis, asthma, diabetes, and even some cancers. This inflammation is enhanced by having too little Omega-3 intake (such as in fish, flax, and walnuts), especially in relation to Omega-6 fatty acid intake (in oils such as soy and corn oil).

Have a blessed day everyone.

A Deep Cleanse

Looking around the  kitchen, I quickly noticed how badly it needed a good cleaning and a paint job. In fact, as I walked around the entire apartment, I found things wrong with it.

The hallway carpet needed a good scrubbing, the same boring layout in the living room since we first moved in. Every room that I looked into, I found myself dissatisfied with something. The whole lot should just go. What we needed here was change, a new beginning.

Ever since the disappointment I've been feeling displaced, dissatisfied and discontented. We have been good girls waiting patiently for the next stage in our lives. We've been praying and keeping the faith. We pray, it's a no. We pray again and again, each time a no. It is very disheartening when God keeps saying no all the time.

So I've been left feeling a little left out. Left out from everyone else around me.

Maybe you've fallen into a well of discouragement because compare to " ---------" you're not making nearly the difference he or she is. To all that feel overwhelmed or who are tempted to take a much too critical look at their lives and feel insignificant. Take heart! Do what you can.

Charles Swindoll

Honestly, I don't know what I would do without my devotionals. They always seem to say the exact thing I need to hear. Isn't that amazing?
 
Today, after that awful walk through of our place, we rolled up our sleeves to tackle that discontent in  the only way we knew how. . . . we cleaned. With every dose of elbow grease, it felt like another piece of the puzzle straightened out.

We've always done that in the past, cleaned or organized and somehow, it felt like our life was in order once again. We all need a little cleanse now and then, especially when were waiting.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Simply Sick

I'm not sure when exactly it began. It started with a small cough and a dryness of mouth. A feeling of unfulfilled thirst no matter how much one actually dranked. Halfway through my shift, my voice began to quiver and by the time I left for home, it was nothing more than a mere squeak. I had lost my voice.

I can't remember the last time I was sick with a flu or a cold. I do know it has been years. The joke at work has always been that all that chemo I've endured knocked all other illnesses out of me.

In reality, I do know that my immune system has been built up with my regular healthier eating habits, plus regular doctor visits and yearly flu shots. It didn't hurt that everyday the first thing I would do at work would be the wiping down of my desk. That certainly brought many frowns from  others.

Yes, frowns. People seem to think I was insinuating that they were dirty and I was not. People assume too much about nothing. I kept on with little regard to their opinions. My intention was more as a preventive measure nothing more. I have spent too many years watching them all sneezing and sniffling all around me, refusing to do the same.

Well, the germs finally succeeded. Driving home, I pondered as to the how. What had happened to that great immune system of mine? I think my lack of sleep in the past few days brought my defenses down and the germs snuck in through the cracks. Not getting enough sleep affects all parts of our body, it's no wonder that I'm  sick now.

So I'm at home today, resting and sleeping a lot, trying to work this cold. You see, even the mighty can fall ( wink ).

Have a blessed day everyone.

Throwback Thursday

This struggle of mine in accepting the new me since this cancer journey is still ongoing. Although, I have to say it matters less and less to me as I age. I don't think I'll ever look like I used to, but then , that's what happens when we age.

As to the blog, it certainly has evolved through the years. Many times, I've considered stopping, but then I'll get an e-mail or a card in the mail letting me know how much someone appreciates my honesty.

What began as a journal/diary for my children, has evolved into a passion of writing and therapeutic for my soul. I will keep on writing, even if I'm the only one reading it. Writing does me good.

Also, the only people still living in this apartment listed below is Easy Ryan, but then , we did move in on the same day.

What's In A Name

    A transformation has taken place in my life this week . That last chemo where I didn't want to go , really changed me . On my first journey , I realized how many people  truly loved me . This time , I'm learning to love myself . Just think of all the compliments we get and don't take them at face value . We are shown how much we are appreciated or loved  but somehow we just don't believe that it's  true . People are just being nice . That's what we tell ourselves .
  How we see ourselves is so different to how others see us . Emily and I play this game where we name the characters in a particular movie we are watching with real people in our lives . We have fun with it and we end up enjoying the movie more . We have done the same thing with the people in our apartment building . We gave them nicknames based on how we perceive them to be . We have an Easy Ryan, Smoking Steve , Drama Man , Baby Mamma , Big Bird and the Newlyweds . Just by the names you can tell something about them . We wondered , one night , what nickname would they give us ? We called ourselves the laughing hyenas .
   Even  this blog . Or at least the name of it  . Where did it come from ? People ask me that all the time . I have no idea . I've mentioned this before , I see nothing enjoyable about this journey . In fact , I keep telling myself the joy of it will be later on ....that I can't see it right now . It was like that the first time , too .I was so afraid that I would miss the message that God wanted to send me .
  I want to see myself the way that Christ sees me and hopefully everyone else will , too.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

A Little Pick Me Up

Disappointment is tough especially when you're a Christain. Living out His will  is harder  than one could ever imagine. That concept  usually means facing many disappointing no's in our lives. It's difficult, because we  cannot see that yes and how it will look like, we only see the now.

So as I'm trying to process that no, I'm turning to times that I've been very blessed indeed. Today, there is nothing that I can write. It's just not there. Sometimes, we just need to mourn what will never be.

Hopes this makes you smile.

 

Nine Important Facts To Remember As We Grow Older

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

 

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

 

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

 

#6 Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky panky, and they can't tell them apart.  If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

 

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day.  Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

 

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

 

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather.  It pays no attention to criticism.

 

#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

 

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers.  What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Up To Date

The remodeling upstairs has resided to an occasional drill here and there or a footstep. The construction outside continues, but I don't mind that part. I find that Public Works are quite considerate ( cough ) and work in moderation. The noise level is not continually consistent.

 First, there may be some drilling or some other piercing loud noise, but it usually stops after a few minutes. After that, silence reigns as we wait for the next guy to come over maybe take a peek at the work done or measure something. Again silence as we wait for the third guy and so on and on. You see, they consider all the neighbors and stretch the work out.

 

Of course, there's never a dull moment by us. Just the other night, I'm typing away at my computer in front of my window and out of nowhere, six squad cars or more appear, lights flashing. It turns out that this Barbie lookalike was drunk out of her mind and proceeded to crash into things or other cars, not sure. The police are called, but for some reason she wouldn't stop, so they cornered her here from every angle on our street.

 

Out she pops from her vehicle all confused on why she is stopped, but she was very polite, unlike the ones we see on Facebook. The Police Officer proceeds to give her a sobriety test. I was fascinated, because I've never seen one before and wanted to learn the technique. They have different ones now beside the usual walk a straight line.

After everyone left, Emily and I practiced all of these techniques to see if we could pass. Of course, I have no equilibrium at all and I kept falling over to the side. I'm not even drunk and I can't do any of them.

After all that, we have been playing a new game called dodge the landlord. We see our landlord almost on a daily basis. There is a soft knock on our door at least once a week to check on this or that. We cannot go to the laundry room, hallways, get the mail or outside without bumping into him. Which leads me to this question:

 How often do you see your landlord?

What do you consider too much? I think our landlord is here too much and at times, I don't want to even answer the door. Would that be mean? Would love to hear your opinion on this.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Simply Monday

It's been raining on and off all night. Not the usual downpour, but more of a constant drizzle, the kind I find irritating. Turning over, I didn't want to face the day, but sleep on into oblivion.

I mean it's Monday, folks! Who wants to get up?

I did make a promise to  myself to accept my work situation and make the best of it. With that in mind, I made myself get up and face the music. In fact, everyday I make the effort even though my feet maybe dragging in the process.

The other day, close to my shift ending, a fellow co-worker pulled me aside. She kept telling me how she is encouraged everyday by my happy attitude, that no matter what I may be going through, I put on a smile. My attitude encourages her to go on, because if I can do it, she can too.

I just looked at her like she was crazy. I'm barely holding it together. I told her so.

Yes, but no one can tell. That's the magic of it. How do you do that? How do you hold it together after all you've been through? How do you continue on with all the work you do now with the Ministry? When do you find the time to help all the people you do?

You  see, people see our strengths even when we don't. Let that be an encouragement to us on those days when we want to cave in and admit defeat. Happy Monday, everyone, happy Monday!

Have a Blessed day everyone.

L.E.D. Lights

L.E.D.

L ottie
E mily
D iamond

By Christ

This is how we normally sign our cards or letters. When we first moved into this place, we wanted to make a sign to hang on our wall with our family motto. Of course, life took over and we soon placed this on the to do list. I like to think that we just haven't found  the creative way we would go about this and when we find it, we'll do it.

One of the things we have been doing with Tim and Hannah this year is writing letters back and forth to each other. We're pen pals! Since this was something new, they've never before encountered our signature style. It was with great pleasure to back a letter from Tim addressed as Dear Led Lights, shine on, shine on!

I cannot express enough the joy we have from corresponding with these youngsters. They actually listen and want to hear about the mundane everyday living here in Elmwood Park! Amazing, isn't it?

We are having fun and we certainly hope this new phase continues for awhile. On a even brighter, funnier note. . . . . how about a little comedy to make that smile even bigger. It is Sunday, folks, a time for family. Shine on, my dear friends, shine on!


Most seniors never get enough exercise.  In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking.  And God looked down and saw that it was good.

 

Then God saw there was another need.  In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch.
And God looked down and saw that it was good.

 

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise.  God looked down and saw that it was good.

 

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will.  It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

 
Have a Blessed day everyone.

The Craving Within

 

I've grown soft with age. No longer do I partake in drama of any kind nor does it  inject a thrill. The minute my ears get a hint of any discord, they recoil in repugnancy.

 

The craving within me seeks peace and joy in all I do. It is amazing to me how people's energy can be transformed from one person to the next within mere seconds of contact. Whatever they're feeling, you will end up feeling, too. It doesn't matter if that emotion is negative or positive, the transfer is immediate.

 

One small insignificant encounter, yet negative, can change a person's entire day. How can we avoid this from occurring? I have no idea. I wish I knew.

 

We get up every single day and place a smile upon our faces, ready to embark out into the world. That one rattling encounter could only last seconds and suddenly our entire mood shifts from happy to frustration. The devil folks, is busy indeed, playing havoc with our lives.

My inner being can't have any of that. Stress or any kind of negativity affects me and I find it difficult to deal, usually resulting in a mental breakdown and exhaustion. The city, as well, has been bothering me with the constant traffic jams, car pollution and it's angry inhabitants. More and more, I want to retreat far away where I can stare out into the cornfields or pastures.

The daily grind, is indeed a grind. I wish people would keep their energies to themselves, but we have been taught to share. Of all the time to remember their manners. Watch out, everyone. The world lives out there.

Have a Blessed  day everyone.

Throwback Thursday

I often wonder about the woman I met years ago during my chemo treatment. I was worried then about her and I'm still worried. Her disbelief in all of this "emotional cancer stuff " was a little more than  upsetting.

Believe me folks, everything we experience in life has an affect on us in one way or another. Even watching a movie affects us and we are touched by a fictional character. Life experiences are a lesson and how we absorb it affects our growth or lack of it. We cannot go through life and not feel all the emotions that come forth from it.

This always reminds me of another time when I was preparing for my baby's baptism as a Catholic. We were in a class and there were many new parents. The instructor asked us "repeat offenders" to offer some good advice. Going around the room, it was my turn. I said:" What works for one, doesn't work for the other. Follow your instincts."

Of course, one of the moms became upset, because according to her Dr. Spock book there is a system and she doesn't leave home without that book. It was her bible.

I often wonder about that woman and how her "bible" has worked out for her.

I'm Sexy And I Know It

 While at Chemo the other day , I met a woman my age going through breast cancer . We shared the same room . Believe me , I wasn't happy . All I wanted that day was to be left alone crocheting and doing my puzzles . This woman would not stop chattering away with me .
  I sat there and listened to her telling me how having cancer isn't as bad as people make it out to be . Her life hardly changed at all . Her husband and three teenage daughters were doing just great . She works fulltime and has absolutely no side effects from the chemo . She has no hair but doesn't understand what the big deal is about being bald . It doesn't bother her at all . Everything is just fine .
   I looked at her with awe . My face red beet in color from the steroids . My  chest all red from the stinking tape that covers my infusion needle . God Bless her , I thought , because she is where I was at 4 years ago ......in denial . When it finally hits her , she will be devastated at how much her life has really changed .
  Suddenly , I realized , I'd rather be where I'm at .......overweight , bloated , red-faced , exhausted and sick all the time then back in that place 4 years ago . Bring on those side effects ....I'll deal . I want to be healed not only physically but spiritually . I also realized that I need to stop with feeling sorry for myself . Need to get off this obsession I seem to have with how I look .
  A few days ago , I read in my devotional  that if we could just see ourselves the way God sees us then we would love ourselves more . Can you imagine how beautiful I must look to him . When He sees me He doesn't see the flaws , the dirt ........He sees me clean and shiny....all brand new . I am His Creation ...His Masterpiece .
  I sashayed out to the bathroom and caught myself in the mirror . All my love handles , muffin tops , junk in the trunk , bald headed and my turkey gobbler chin . He thinks I'm beautiful . It's about time I started to believe it . Did a spin in front of that mirror . Yep , I'm sexy and I know it !!!

Have a Blessed day everyone.

The Beat Goes On

Years ago, some men were on a leaky old ship in the middle of a rough and stormy sea. One of them asked the captain, “Are we safe?”  He said, “Well, the boilers are weak and may explode at any moment. The ship is taking on water. To be very honest with you, we may go up, or we may go down, but at any rate, we are going on.”

There is one thing I know about the women in my family, we have endurance. It doesn't matter how tough things get, we stand up and fight. We can be bawling our eyes out during that fight, but we keep on fighting. But then, what else can we do?

Should we lay down and give up? We can't, we have too much to lose. We have to lead our families the best we can.

Take for instance this morning. I woke up with a strong desire to turn over and forget the world. The sun was streaming brightly through my bedroom window and for once, I wanted nothing to do with it. All morning, I moped through the house, lazy as ever. Nothing appealed to  my sense of duty and obligation. I walked past the laundry, the dishes and the vacuum as if they were invisible.

Sometimes, we have these boo-hoo, I don't want to do anything kind of days. I want to give up, because I don't want to care. Let me just sit here and list off one by one all the things that are wrong with me and my supposed life.

Ever have those days?

I have been working on this baby blanket and no matter how many times I have unraveled this thing, it's still not coming out right. Not only is it crooked, but ugly as well. People have been under the illusion that I know how to crochet well. If they only knew the truth.

I want to toss it in the trash, but I can't.

You see, there is that something inside of  me that keeps saying get up and finish it. Someone out there took the time to go and buy this yarn so I can make this baby blanket. How can I throw this out like it's nothing? How can I not finish what I began? Are there not people who are looking to me to finish my projects? They're depending on me.

So I get up, do the laundry and the dishes, leaving the vacuum for tomorrow. I am a procrastinator, okay? I will fix this blanket, I will.

The world turns no matter what happens to you or me. Lives still get ruined and saved everyday. We have to keep going, we have to.

Have a blessed day everyone.

The Human Heart

Many women I know don't look forward to Valentine's Day because they feel it shines a spotlight on what is wrong in their relationship or what is just plain missing in their life. Whether you're single or married, I feel for you. And in some ways, I can relate.
Cindi McMenamin

I swore I wouldn't write about it, but when I walked into work and she asked me how my Mother's Day went, I caved. I caved, because I saw the longing and the sadness in her face of not being able to experience being a mom. She looked at me as if I was Royalty, because I had something that she always wanted and will never achieve herself.

I don't like to write about Holidays on a Holiday. There are so many people out there who cannot enjoy that Holiday. The last thing I  want to do is bring out their pain.

What about all the women who will never be moms, and the ones who were moms, but gave up their child in adoption.  Or the ones who  lost  their child to an illness or in combat.

It's the same on Valentine's Day, all those supposed declarations of love. Not all women have that experience. Some were never told they were beautiful or loved, but beaten instead. Others are perhaps in dire straits financially and getting flowers is something that is not possible now.

The same goes for 4th of July, Thanksgiving etc. for every celebration out there, there is a wounded heart somewhere ready to end it all, because of all the memories that were brought forth to the surface.

For some reason, I can feel their pain, so I don't write about a particular Holiday on a Holiday. There are only two exceptions( Christmas and Easter) and even then the majority don't celebrate the true reason.

It will be a long time before I forget that look on her face. The tears that she must have shed. The heart that has desired and yearned hopelessly, but will never be satisfied. How I feel for these people. How can I ease their pain?

Let's remember that before we flaunt our gifts and luxuries before the whole world. Look what I got on my special day?! Let's be encouragers and not destroyers of the human heart.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Monday Envy

Back in January, when I celebrated my fiftieth birthday, I was given a gift card to Massage Envy. That card has been sitting inside my desk's drawer all these months until now.

Since my leg has been bothering me with the arthritis to the point of sleepless nights, I thought maybe a massage would help. The gift card would cover at least three massages so I was hoping for some therapeutic healing.

Lord, I wasn't disappointed.

The bed itself was heated and so were the blankets. Awesome sauce, indeed! It was absolutely heaven.

By the time I left, there was nothing and I mean nothing, aching on my body. Why haven't I done this before? What was I waiting for? It is worth every penny.

I thought about the many times my friends and family would treat themselves to luxuries such as this. I always thought of them as frivolous. I think differently now. I have spent my entire adult life feeling guilty in pampering myself and often have denied myself that very pleasure because of it.

It's almost as if it's my duty to suffer on this earthly plane. We walk around in sack cloths trying to work off our sin all for naught. It has already been done for us. That concept is so difficult for us to understand. It is okay to love ourselves. It is okay to pamper ourselves.

We are worthy to cover ourselves with His Grace, His Love and His Forgiveness. When will we stop feeling the guilt? It felt good to have that massage. Maybe, just maybe, I should have more of them.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Simply Arthritis

Arthritis . . . . that dreaded pain that manifests itself with the arrival of middle age. Arthritis plagues my family, especially in the legs from the knee to the toes. Ask any of our family members and each of them will provide a different pressure point affected by arthritis.

I, myself, am experiencing a very painful Season that began eight years ago with the arrival of cancer. I've always felt discomfort in my ankles as the weather turned damp, but it wasn't until cancer that I began to feel real arthritis pain.

After the treatments would end and I would be in remission, the steroids would wear off and real pain remained. It seemed that each of the three times the cancer returned, the severity of the arthritis increased. For instance, originally it was just my knee, then knee to ankle and now knee to toes.

I have tried many things to relieve the pain. There have been creams, soak baths, arthritis relieving teas, stretching exercises and even massages. Still there is no relief, except for one . . . . . steroids. I can always tell if any medication has steroids, because almost instantly the pain is gone.

Thinking that I needed to look it up and see if I could get any information regarding arthritis. Boy, what I did get is a huge surprise. There was so much data that I became overwhelmed by all of it. Looking up the definition also proved to be endless. There were so many types of arthritis.
 
Arthritis is a form of joint disorder that involves inflammation of one or more joints. There are over 100 different forms of arthritis. The most common form of arthritis is osteoarthritis, a result of trauma to the joint, infection of the joint, or age. Other arthritis forms are rheumatoid arthritis, psoriatic arthritis, and related autoimmune diseases.

My goodness, I don't think it's as simple as I thought. I think it's time to see a professional instead.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Friends Forever

Friendships . . . . we're always looking for someone to share our life with whether they are our mates or our best friends. The problem with friendships is that it can really hurt you.

People have often said that the worst thing in life is death, but I believe they are wrong. Death for a Christian is a welcomed blessing, a new journey we've been waiting for all of our life. The process maybe scary, but there is new life in the death.

I think the worst thing in life is betrayal.

Betrayal comes in all forms: The betrayal of a mate, a family member, a dear close friend, backstabbing of a co-worker. The list could go on and on with endless forms of betrayal.

When we are betrayed, we can feel it deep down within our hearts. It can take a very long time to heal and for some of us that may never happen. We carry around that hurt within us affecting all other relationships from that point on. It can become like rot in a barrel of good apples. Place a  little bit of rotten fruit inside and soon the rest will become bad. That's how betrayal can affect our soul.

I know, because that's what happened to me.

You see, it's difficult to get past that betrayal even when we forgive, but it's the forgetting that we have a problem with. Everything could be fine and then one day we run into that very person. Suddenly, all that hurt comes back, fresh as the day it occurred.

There is no fast cure in getting over the betrayal. I wish I could say it was fast and painless, but it wasn't. It has taken a while to heal, but finally, I can now both forgive and forget. I first had to work on myself and then I could be really free.

Why does the betrayal hurt so much?

It hurts because we give so much of ourselves to the relationship. We share things that no one else knows about and we bare our souls. Unfortunately, a bad betrayal can affect some of us forever, never allowing anyone to come closer to us again. Don't let that happen to you. Allow Jesus to work within you to free your soul from bitterness of the betrayal.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Crack Me Up

I love it when my friends send me pictures of things related to me. To me it shows that they care about me and think of me. Who wouldn't want friends like that?

This one cracked me up, something I really needed.
I wouldn't mind owning a mug like that. Now, if I could just find a good taste of java to put in it. I think I'm on the verge of breaking up with my love of coffee, but isn't that normal? I mean, we go through things in life and after awhile decide we don't need it as much as we have done in the past.

That idea brought up many other incidents where elimination of things that no longer appeal to me for some reason. For instance, I have no need to apologize for the way I am. I feel if you haven't liked me by now and I'm fifty, you'll never like me. Why should I keep saying I'm sorry for being who I am? This is my life and this is how I live it. Get used to it.

I have no tolerance for other's bad behavior, either. Why am I making excuses for someone who has no desire to change? I feel as if we're making justification for their bad behavior so they can feel good about themselves. They're having a bad day or they're going through something right now.

Poppycock! They're just plain mean spirited. I'm having a bad day, too, but I still have to be nice to everyone. I still have to show respect and compassion toward others.

So you see, something happens when we turn a certain age and suddenly we have no desire to put up with anything. I'm not sure if it's because we have spent a lifetime doing so or something else.

All I know is that I'm tired this week, so bring on the weekend!!!

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Throwback Thursday

Chemo . . . . Linda hated chemo and would literally pray for Jesus to walk with her as she entered the hospitals corridors. She taught me that whenever I was afraid deeply of something all I had to say was "Jesus, would you walk with me?"

Nowadays, I use that phrase for those times of fear that embrace our hearts and worry sets in and so does negativity. It warms me instantly.

Chemo and this whole cancer thing has been very difficult on my children. As the years have passed, so has their acceptance of it. Going to chemo has always been a problem, especially for Emily. She has never really seen me taking the infusion or my baldness. I believe it brings home that fact that I have cancer and it may appear as if I'm helpless. Children are not used to seeing their parents as victims.

Another fun tidbit regarding the song: My sister-in-law Pam, was listening to the radio that very night when that song came on and she immediately thought of me. Upon reading the blog, she remarked how she was just thinking of me and that song. Coincidence? I think not.

All Of Me

 I can't even begin to tell you how much I dreaded going to chemo this morning .  There was total silence in the car . For once Emily sat quiet . Sanctus Real came on the radio singing "All Of Me " and I cried the rest of the way . I have no idea why . I have no jokes for you today .

Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away

And I'm so close
To what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

I won't let sadness
Steal you from my arms
I won't let pain
Keep you from my heart
I'd trade the fear
Of all that I could lose
For every moment
I'll share with you

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

And Heaven brought you to this moment
It's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you
Even if I bleed
You're worth all of me
You're worth all of me

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start

You're gonna have all of me
Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me
Is where I'll start
It's where I'll start

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Choose Your Weapon

My girlfriend posted the above picture on my Facebook with a message that read: I thought of you when I saw this pic. It's about you, Lottie.

Is that how people see me? Like I have it together? Lord knows, I don't feel it at times. I'm bumping around in the dark like everyone else. Still, I'm flattered to think I send this message out. I rather be known as  a godly woman than anything else.

I'm sure there are people in my life who will laugh at this description. Don't we all have people who view us in a less favorable light?

We all fall down and I'm no different. Being a Christian exposes my vulnerabilities to non-believers. Instead of viewing them as normal, they look upon them as fake faith. Haven't we all been accused of that by non-believers?

Emily and I call our Bibles " The Weapon" and at suppertime we open up that weapon to read a verse or two from it. Our bibles do represent us in a way. Mine is written all over it with side notes and many notes scribbled hastily tucked inside. When I open up mine, many things fall out, even a pen.

Emily's on the other hand, is a brand new spanking new one with a gorgeous floral cover. It is a study bible since she is what I call, a baby Christian. Over time, hers will become tattered and well worn. Both our bibles lay in full view on our cocktail table in the living room. 

What does your bible look like? How often do you use it? Is it only at Church come Sunday morn? Or at bible study once a week? Or never at all?

The Bible is more than a book full of stories. To us, it's a way of life. It's our weapon against the outside world.

Have a blessed day everyone.

The Worst Day

The day began absolutely heavenly. I've decided on finally going for my massage. As to this being only the second time in my life to actually having a professional massage done, I was both excited  and feeling blessed at this special treat. I walked out of there feeling jello mello ready to embrace my three day weekend. Little did I know it would become the worst two days of my life.

Upon arriving at home, I planned to spend the day totally devoted to my writing. I had a few projects that I wanted to finish up. It didn't quite work out that way.

The minute I gathered all the things I needed to lock myself away in my room, the banging began. They have been remodeling the upstairs apartment. No big deal, we've been under construction many times before since moving into this building.

Today they were doing the floorboards. I cannot even express in detail how it sounded above us. The entire apartment practically shook with drilling, pounding and constant roar of machinery. Plus, their radio was blasting over all their noise with old time favorites like YMCA. I have no idea how they heard that radio!

There was so noise we could barely hear the television let alone ourselves thinking. Pretty soon a headache came on that it took three days for me to get rid of!  Writing was cancelled since I could barely concentrate. Emily put on her headphones and escaped somewhat. Poor Diamond tried hiding under the bed, but she kept meowing over and over again.

As for me, I tried to be understanding that it couldn't be helped. I kept watching the clock in hopes of five o'clock coming on quickly. All week they stopped working at five in the evening. Five, six and then seven and they still were banging around up there!

Finally, at eight they went home. We  took our showers, swallowed down some headache pills and settled in to bed. It was a total wash today, maybe tomorrow would be better.

It wasn't. We woke up to what sounded like a fire alarm going off upstairs right above Emily's bedroom. It had malfunctioned and kept beeping nonstop beep, beep, beep, beep. I texted the landlord to let him know. Beep, beep it went all morning. The windows upstairs were opened and the neighbors heard the beep, beep and called the police.

Still no landlord. Beep, beep, beep that sucker went on until two p.m. that afternoon. Folks, I don't believe in having guns in the home. Why? Because if I had a gun in the house during this beep, beep, beep time, I would have used it!

My head hurt that entire weekend. I have to say that Sunday proved to be quite nice. The minute we met up after Church, we both went into our separate rooms to catch up on our tasks that we 've been waiting all weekend for! We did laugh about it later in the evening on how much we appreciated the quiet. Sometimes we need a reminder of just how good we have it on a regular basis.

Have a Blessed day everyone and a quiet one.

Monday Construction

Construction, construction and more construction. It seems that this entire weekend we have been dealing with construction. Now that the floor work is finally done upstairs and we finally had a quiet day on Sunday, now the street construction right outside our window began. Plus, they're not even done upstairs completely for another two weeks!

It seems I've been popping pills for this headache of all headaches all weekend. Not a great way to start the week. I'm almost afraid to go into work. Who knows how that will be, it is my most stressful place.

This brought to mind an interview I saw many decades ago of a tennis player. The reporter asked him what was the hardest game he ever played. He replied that the hardest game is the one where you know you will lose, but you still have to finish.

How very true, indeed.

Will this be a difficult week? Most likely. At least, it's beginning to look like it, but I will finish it. I may be stressed, wanting a good cry and a glass of wine, but I will finish it.

Monday's are difficult without all this other stuff added to it. So let's turn this sucker around before it consumes us. What is the positive here in all of this?

One, I will have a beautiful street to look at and ride on. Two, I will be up early every morning. Three, I will appreciate the upcoming weekend a lot more. Four, work may actually become a haven for me as an escape. Who knows? Miracles happen all the time.

So are we ready to face whatever comes this week? Absolutely, bring it on!

Have a Blessed day everyone.

In Awe And Wonder

After a lengthy bout with despair, severe depression, and suicide attempts, writer and poet William Cowper (1731–1800) discovered comfort in God's providence, which led him to write "Shining out of Darkness":

God moves in a mysterious way,
His wonders to perform;
He plants his footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never-failing skill,
He treasures up his bright designs,
And works his sovereign will.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust him for his grace;
Behind a frowning providence,
He hides a smiling face.

Don't you just love a great worship time? That wonderful Godly experience where we feel so connected as one with the Almighty. An experience that brings us to tears and we forget everyone around us.

Those moments are wonderful and ones we need to cherish deep within our hearts to bring forth whenever we have a need to remember that kind of love that only God can provide.

Unfortunately, there are moments also where our minds drifted off somewhere else during the service. I've had moments where I was so very tired that all I could think about was laying down upon arriving home from Church.

I used to feel so ashamed for having moments like that. I would wonder what the poor Pastor was feeling when he saw his congregation's attention wasn't really on him. Here he probably spent majority of his week preparing for this great sermon he was delivering and I'm yawning, because I've worked all night.

I've learned to forgive myself when moments like that happened. You see, not every Sunday sermon will be life changing experience. There will be highs as well as lows in my Christian journey. These dry spells can hide a hidden yearning for higher learning. During those times I may need to learn something about myself and it may not be pretty.

A dear friend kindly reminded me that our God is not a loving God, but also an understanding one. He knows our hearts and He knows when we need to rest. Don't be afraid nor ashamed to rest. We are no good to anyone if we are not in tiptop form.

I hope today everyone had a wonderful moment at Church. I know I did( they played all my favorite songs), but if it wasn't quite what you expected, just remember that someone out there may have needed that experience more than you. Don't lose heart, God loves you no matter if you're jumping up and down with praise for Him or if you're just hiding your yawn.

Have a Happy Sabbath everyone.

That Java Thing

But who wants to? I certainly have no desire to be the boss of anything anymore. I'm happy in the skin I'm in right now. Our roles change as we age  and what  I want from life has also changed. No longer does the hustle and bustle of the ambitious life appeal to me.

To be honest, coffee is losing its taste appeal to me. Yet, I still drink my full without enjoyment. Don't get me wrong, there are days that my coffee tastes awesome, but they are becoming rare indeed.

I wonder if my 30 day trial with no sugar played a role here. I'm trying to remember when the brew no longer held me. Was it right after that month? Or was it before then?

Either way, I'm beginning to think it's a good time to quit altogether. Quitting coffee has always been my ideal, but dealing with the headaches held me back. Quitting cold turkey wasn't the obvious choice here. Maybe what I should do is limit the intake slowly each day.

You know this coffee thing is just another notch in my life that needs strengthening. We all go through changes in ten year intervals and I seem to be going through mine.  You can call it the seven year itch or a midlife crisis, but to me it is all about growing and learning to be better.

Why bother making this walk if you're not making strides in shedding some layers? I know it will painful, but in the end a huge benefit to me. It's time to let go and move on with the things in my  life that have been hindering my progress. It's not just about the people, but also about the things that have taken root.

Something new is coming, folks! I can feel it!

Have a blessed day everyone.
               

The Ugly Duckling

 It's been quite a road regarding what I thought would be a simple visit to the dentist. Talk about being naïve. I thought that all I had to do is make an appointment and that one dentist would take care of all my needs in a couple of visits.

Silly me. Having neglected my dental duties for the past eight years, my memories were filled of a different era. I can remember my own mother going to have a partial done and never seeing a  bill. Her one dentist took care of all her work. She didn't have to deal with referrals of any kind nor the insurance company.

Somehow, I thought it would be the same.

First, I had to get on the "list " of new patients from my insurance which took 30 days. After that list appeared at the office, it took another 6 to 8 weeks for my first appointment which ended up being more of a consultation than anything else. Then a referral is made to another dentist for any work done like a root canal or an extraction and so on and so on.

Honestly, I'm wondering what exactly does my family dentist do besides write referrals.

It's also very expensive. Boy, is it ever. I think dentists make more money than doctors.

I know I sound naïve,  but my experience with dentists consisted of a cavity filling. It is my own fault for not visiting one for almost ten years and now I have to pay the price for it.

I'm just tired of all these visits that take so long. My face is either swollen or bruised in beautiful shades of blue and purple. This last one ended up turning yellow in places that had nothing to do with the tooth that was worked on. That I believe is purely thanks to the dentist that wrapped my lip around my neck. 

Emily hasn't fared any better. After aging out of the family plan under my insurance, she proceeded to stay covered on her own with the same company, still using the same office. She ended up being placed all over again waiting for the "list" again and is currently awaiting her appointment at the end of May.

Why? Nothing has changed except she's under her own plan. The insurance and dentist are still the same. Healthcare/Dental has become a nightmare in this country. Every time I hear a politician speak on how they have improved healthcare, I just want to smash the television. Obviously, because of their notoriety they don't have to endure what we common citizens do.

 You can see that I am becoming very stressed out regarding this. I feel very unbecoming and old. All I want is a beautiful smile and instead I feel like an ugly duckling.

Have a Blessed day everyone.