The Fakery

                                                   Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                   everyday is a journey.

Am I wrong to be always so happy? 
This world is full of grief; 
Yet there is laughter of sunshine, 
to see the crisp green on the leaf, 
Daylight is ringing with song-birds, 
and brooklets are crooning at night; 
And why should I make a shadow when God makes all so bright?
Earth may be wicked and weary, 
yet cannot I help being glad! 
There is sunshine without and within me,
 and how should I mope or be sad?
 God would not flood me with blessings,
 meaning me only to pine
Amid all the bounties and beauties he pours upon me and mine; 
Therefore I will be grateful, 
and therefore will I rejoice; 
My heart is singing within me; 
sing on, O heart and voice.

--Walter C. Smith.

I laid around for what seemed like hours after turning off the alarm. I always set the time for an hour earlier than what I need to just for this purpose. It was so dark and it stayed dark, that it provided me with an illusion of having more time. In actuality, the clouds were darkened by rain and it wasn't until the thunder and lightening came that I realized the time.

I shouldn't be laying around in the first place. My mind begins drifting off to dark places where it has no business being, but I couldn't help myself. I knew I had to get up and face another round of radiation. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this. I've gone through some horrible, horrible health experiences and never ever has it been such a head thing as now.

 After each treatment, as I dress, I stare at my reflection in the mirror in front of me. My entire front is so ravaged from these past nine years. My scars are huge and wide, overtaking a major part of my front.  My belly button doesn't even resemble itself. I can point to every scar and tell you what year it came from and from what. Now, from my bellybutton to my my thighs, my body has been marked in black and red marker. It's looks absolutely atrocious.

When I lay on the radiation table, my bellybutton to my pelvic area uncovered, I feel so exposed. I feel like everyone can see this ravaged body. Why does this bother me so much, I cannot explain fully. It has nothing to do with nudity since the entire hospital has seen me by now.  I no longer can hide behind a smile or a positive attitude. The important question is, who am I really hiding from? You cannot see me.  Am I hiding from God? Or myself?

There is so much falseness around me. My family is in total disarray. Family members not getting along, sisters not speaking to one another, father/daughters unable to mend their broken relationships. You could not round up the entire family in one room right now. There would be someone having an issue with someone else. But, take our picture. We look gorgeous.

It's no different at work. In all honesty, with how many would I or you be willing to break bread with? Yet, we put on our smiles and a happy attitude and pretend we're all friends. That neighbor across the street. Do I really like them? Or am I hiding behind my smile?

A few months back, I wrote about a lady I met in chemo. She was so miserable and my happy, positive attitude made her even more angry. I couldn't understand how she could be like that. Why couldn't she accept her situation. Wouldn't it be better for her? The irony of it all? Now I'm the one sitting to the side looking all miserable. Why can't I accept my situation? Wouldn't it be better for me? God, how I hate looking in that mirror.

Have a Blessed day everyone. 


 

Highlight Of The Week #21

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

Though waves and storms go o'er my head,
    Though strength and health and friends be gone,
  Though joys be withered all, and dead,
    Though every comfort be withdrawn,
  On this my steadfast soul relies,--
    Father! Thy mercy never dies.
JOHANN A. ROTHE.

These past weeks have been serving more of a dual purpose. Either it's a good day or a bad day kind of experience. Believe me, I couldn't wait for my last chemo, knowing that at least this part of my treatment would soon be over. It is a great comfort to know only a few more weeks and my life can go back to normalcy as soon as possible. 

I'm more than ready for the next chapter to begin. I know that purpose I was searching for is waiting for my complete recovery. That will involve many changes, but I believe these changes are both necessary and welcome. Change is good. 

It's funny how my life, looking into the future, may seem uncertain and yet, I'm content. I don't give the future too much of my time thinking and worrying over something I cannot control nor do I want to. I can die today and I will be fine. I can die next year and I would be fine. I don't think of my life in increments of life and death. To me, I'm living life whether here or in Heaven. Personally, I can't wait to give God's work full attention. That's a true contentment.

Like I said earlier, these past few weeks certainly have been a learning curve about myself and the people in my life. Not all the things I've discovered have been pleasant, especially in regards to myself. Sometimes, looking in that reflective mirror is way too revealing and we find that crack in our armor. No one wants to see that let alone deal with it.

The three of us here (Myself, Emily, Diamond) have finally adapted to each other and are no longer breathing within the other persons comfort zones. We respect each others space, or at least, Emily and I do. Diamond just does whatever she wants. Isn't that just like any pet?

Have a blessed day everyone. 

 

A Health Update

                                                        Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                        everyday is a journey.

The last thing I wanted to do was to get up early for an appointment with my radiation doctor. As much as I love him (he laughs at all my jokes) I felt extremely tired and wanted to lounge around at home. Something I do everyday. 

The weekend before, which was also the week of my last chemo, we all drove to Springfield for a Christmas in July family get together. As nice as it was, it did wear me out. It seems I've been laying around all week recuperating.

As I sat in Dr. H. office, I kept yawning secretly wishing I was at home. All in all, he did give me some good news. I have to do a Ct. scan and come back for a Sims. I have an idea of what that is, but I'm not sure I can explain it well to all of you. If everything comes back good, I might only need two weeks of daily radiation instead of five. I was so happy I almost kissed the poor man. All of this might be over sooner than what I thought. 

One  might think it couldn't get any better, but it did. One of the nurses came in and handed me this wonderful package from Subaru Inc. 

Usually, I'm the one passing out whatever my Ministry has made and this time, I'm the recipient. It felt good. Plus, it provided me with an idea of how others may be feeling whenever we donate. No matter how small something may appear to us, it is a blessing to feel loved by others. 

Have a blessed day everyone.
 

Throwback Thursday

                                           Everyday is a brand new day,

                                            everyday is a journey.

  Here we are on another Throwback Thursday where we take a look back in the year 2013 and provide an update on where we are now.

I felt very sad after reading this post. We were a group of 5 back then who were fighting cancer. Right now, there is only the two of us and I haven't seen him for a long time.  I know many people who have had a cancer scare or were dealt that card in life. When people have trials such as these, they cling to others who went through the same thing. There is an understanding between us that doesn't require any words. Expressions are enough.

Even though there were the five of us during this time, each of us were at a different level of acceptance. One of us, never accepted and struggled until the very end.

Storms From The Past

  The week began with the depressing news of Linda's friend (who also has cancer) in the hospital with pneumonia. For a minute there, we actually thought it was Linda in the hospital. That's what happens when you read only a part of the message . . . . you get it wrong.

  I also spoke to someone who has been ill for awhile and just found out she also has breast cancer. Every word that came out of her mouth reverberated with anger. She didn't have to yell, but it was obvious she was upset with the dose that life gave her.

  After hanging up, I realized she was me a year ago. That's how I felt the last time the cancer returned. You keep asking yourself: How many times will this happen to me ....? When will this be finally over? I understand how she feels.

  Once the memory vault opened up, I couldn't stop myself reverting to when it all began in the year 2007. That's where my mind has been all week. I can go back and relive everything without any sadness or depression. I never want to forget . . . . not ever. That was the best thing that ever happened to me as strange as that might sound.

  I also realized that I've never  really told anyone my full story. This blog was started halfway through my journey with cancer. Maybe, it's time to go back and revisit. For the next couple of days, let me tell you my story. Until then, have a Blessed Night.

Becoming A Mary

                                                 Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                   everyday is a journey.


There is a story of Martha and Mary in the Bible. A story of two sisters who couldn't be more opposite in nature. One day, they were entertaining Jesus in their home. Mary, sat by His feet listening to all He had to say while Martha ran around absorbed in details of having such an important visitor in their home. Martha became very angry with her sister for not helping.

I am a Martha. I can quickly become involved in the busyness of life. It took me a long time to understand why Mary was the better person here. Mary took the time to spend and learn from Jesus while Martha was too busy being lost in all the details. Martha missed out on quite a lot by her own doing.

This morning, as I again headed to my bed with my coffee and toast, I had a sort of an epiphany. You see, here I am provided an opportunity to take it easy and rest. Yet, instead of enjoying this moment, I'm complaining and fighting myself. Here I've been searching for that new purpose in my life and instead of resting my mind, body and soul for it, I'm rebelling. 

Why do we feel guilt for when we rest? How can I be productive when that new purpose does arrive if I don't take the time to smell the roses now? How many people wish they had an opportunity to catch up on reading or watching their favorite program? When I do go back to work, I'd be praying for a couple of days off. 

So no more complaints of too much idleness or at least for now. Wink! It's time to catch up on The Walking Dead or A Chef's Life. Or something else. Bring out the books piled high on my book shelf. It's time to be more like Mary and see what lessons I'm here to learn. 

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Not What I Expected

                                                       Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                       everyday is a journey.

I have learned, as days have passed me,Fretting never lifts the load;And worry, much or little,Never smooths an irksome road;For do you know that somehow, always,Doors are opened, ways are made;When we work and live in patienceUnder all the cross that's laid.

--Unknown.

When I first made the decision to go ahead with this treatment, which involved surgery, I sublimely made grand expectations. I knew that I would have difficulties dealing with the idleness of recovery. Therefore, I concocted a list of activities that I could do sitting down. This list consisted of all the things I've wanted to accomplish, but never had the time. It was an ambitious list, but not a realistic one. 

You see, back then, I was thinking like a healthy person and not like a person with an illness.  That same list was tore down just the other day as I was filled with disgust with the lack of energy I've been feeling lately. 

Every morning as I wake up and prepare my breakfast, two things determine what kind of day I will have. Either I sit down at my desk with my coffee and toast or I sit down on my bed with my coffee and toast. 

When I sit at my desk, I have a very productive day. I'm not sure why. It could be the picturesque scenery outside my window. It could be the act of sitting up and becoming more mobile. When I begin my day at the desk, it's go go go for the rest of the day.

Quite the opposite happens when I choose the latter. I end up reading or crocheting or watching a movie. The day is slow and so are my actions.  

I find myself having more of the latter kind of days than the productive ones. I truly have set myself up for failure by setting up these super unattainable goals. To be fair, it hasn't only been the goals that have brought me down. There is also the subject of fmla, the car breaking down, the constant worrying or the intense humidity of July. 

I expected none of these things. Somehow, I expected to be a writing demon, issuing forth story after story. Instead, I find myself full of laziness, my mind an absolute blank as to what to actually write.  A blank white page stares up at me and no idea forms.

It was the same with the forms and paperwork of fmla. I expected everything to flow freely since I took care of these papers a whole month earlier. That's not what happened. Instead, I found myself spending endless mornings between work, fmla and my doctor. It shouldn't be like this. I have benefits. I pay my dues and I pay my taxes. I should not be treated in this manner. Not by my company and definitely not by my country. 

As to the worrying, all of it is my fault. Earlier this year, I prayed to be more trusting of God. Well, ask and you shall receive. Everything that could go wrong, has. The fmla approval was delayed, the finances were delayed, the recovery has been slow, the car has broke down over and over again. Talk about trusting God! I worried. I fretted. I got on my knees. I prayed. I yelled. I did it all. I was humbled. 

So my convalescence wasn't exactly what I expected nor did I want. I had visions of relaxing days, almost like a spa, than what really occurred. Sort of stupid of me. As August approaches, I've become more realistic. I expect nothing. When you expect nothing, even the smallest amount will make one happy. 

Have a Blessed day everyone.  

Work Of My Hands Pt.2

                                                       Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                       everyday is a journey.

A while back, I wrote about a project I have been working on since last year for both of my children.Talk about working my patience and my abilities. This project has worn out any personal capabilities I may have felt I had. It has tested me beyond measure. I've unraveled and unraveled this project so many times that I've stopped counting after five. The project became more of an ordeal as I struggled with it every step of the way.

Well, I'm glad to report it's done. Finally! Or at least one of them. Will they like it? I certainly hope so. It was one of the biggest projects I have ever undertaken. 

Here it's spread out, hopefully at least a queen size in the popcorn design stitch. It's meant to be for their bedroom as a bedspread. I would love to see it on their bed for the whole effect.

Here is the afghan stretched out onto the couch to see a different effect. At least, one is finished. Now onto the last one for Emily!

Have a blessed day everyone. 

Throwback Thursday

 

                                    Everyday is a brand new day, 

                                    everyday is a journey.

  Here it is another Throwback Thursday in the year of 2013 where we provided an update on where we are now. 

Nothing has really changed since the post below, except that Linda has passed away already a year and a half ago. Chemo is chemo and the symptoms are the same symptoms more or less. This year we've added another surgery, plus fixed the beginnings of a hernia, tried hormone treatments and added radiation to the mix. 

All in all, I'm doing much better than some all with God's Grace. I guess, He isn't done with me yet. Or I should say, I still have more to do here!

 

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly

  Chemotherapy: Good ole chemo. There are more varieties and side effects than there are flavors of ice cream. Google any type of chemo and a long list appears of do's and don'ts. I have been extremely lucky with my chemo. During these three times my cancer has come back, I've only been on three different types. That is huge!

  Poor Linda,  she has been on numerous types and I believe that finally this current one seems to be working. Chemo really does a job on your body. I have experienced all kinds of side effects with the three I have had. I can deal with some and absolutely hate the others. I have placed them into three groups: the good, the bad, the ugly. Here are some examples of the symptoms I've had.

THE GOOD:
 Yes, there is good. The cancer itself is the good. How can that be? The cancer brought an awareness and emphasis on relationships that I haven't known existed. The relationships I have with my children, my co-workers, strangers in the world and with Jesus. I am so aware of the precious time I have with all of these people. That is the good. The sleeping all the time is not bad either.
 THE BAD:
  Being nauseous and extremely tired, are standard symptoms of all chemo. Another few are diarrhea, constipation, numbness and tingling in your hands and feet. All of these, I can handle. They are not pleasant, but you can basically take something for it. It's do-able.

THE UGLY:
  I can't stand steroids and what they do to my body. I gain weight and become bloated every time. Not to mention I turn this unbearable red beet color. Next, metal mouth syndrome. It turns everything I eat to tasting like it's spoiled. By the time I'm done with my treatment, I don't enjoy food. Coffee, for instance, tastes awful. I miss that the most. Another one I detest is losing my hair and eyebrows. I'm fortunate that this time around my hair is only thinning out and not going completely bald.

  Believe me, by the time I'm done with it all, I'm usually very glad it's over. Then the side effects from the side effects happen, but that's another story. 

Oh well, Have a Blessed Night everyone.

Growing Pains

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

We all have a daily routine whether we actually acknowledge it or not. We all think we are spontaneous in our behavior, but in reality, we're pretty predictable. When you share a home with others, one develops a routine of sorts dividing the daily chores between the two of you. 

Anytime there is a disruption in that routine, it affects the natural flow of the household no matter how minor. Just imagine a couple of months of disruption and you can be sure tempers will flare. I feel that Emily and I are at that point now. We just have been together too much and need a break from one another.

Easier said than done! How does one try to fit into another routine  after such a long established one?

The month of May was spent in togetherness. I mean, it was only on the weekends that we shared supper together. Suddenly, we were able to enjoy a meal and evening time . . . . every single day. 

The month of June was spent in arguing with one another. Always underfoot at every corner. In a small space, it seemed like we were together everywhere. That same activity that brought us closer, begun to get thin. I mean, we had supper and evening time. . . . every single day. 

The month of July, so far, has been spent in a happy medium with days spent apart and some together. There were times we barricaded ourselves in our rooms and others where we pushed one of us out the door. Right now, I think we're both secretly dreaming of some weekend alone time. I have heard Emily murmuring under her breath about my returning back to work. When she mentioned a possible sleepover at her friends, I literally jumped for joy. 

So when is that sleepover happening?

Have a blessed day everyone.

The Nephew

                                                      Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                      everyday is a journey.

For many years, girls ruled this family. Joey, for instance, was the only boy for over seventeen years before another male was born into this family. I had nieces, but no nephews. 

Since then, it was almost like an avalanche of boys. We went from one (Joey) to Logan, Luke, Timothy, Justin, Ashton, Lachlan and Kai. I hope I didn't miss anybody.They range from 15 yrs. old to 2 1/2 and I'm sure we're not done!

One of these boys, my second nephew, is a miniature of his father (my younger brother) in every way. When he graces your presence, he cannot stop worming nor talking for a minute. He's vivacious, talkative, cannot keep still, ants in his pants Luke! You have to give this boy something to do.

While visiting my mom (his grandma) he came over during his Summer vacation to hang out. It was then that I figured we needed to put to good use his over active and energetic self by having him come grocery shopping with us. We could always use him to carry in the bags, which he did.  It was then that we had an interesting conversation. 

"So what are you going to do with the Durango?" he inquired.

"Well, I was planning on donating it to Willow Creeks Single Mom's Ministry," I replied .

"Why don't you just give it to me?" He's all of 13.

"What are you going to do with an old junky truck?" I asked him.

" I could work on it and practice." Did I mention he loves fixing things, especially cars?

"Okay, but it will cost you a whole dollar so you better start saving now." I said to him, shaking his hand. 

"I think I got that now, Lottie."

And that's what I did when the truck eventually broke down for the last time. I say the last time, because it wasn't worth it to me to keep putting money into it.  Even so, I think I suddenly became the best Aunt in the whole world. How do I know? Well, he kept repeating,"I can't believe it's happening."

Have a Blessed day everyone.   

The Elliptical

                                                      Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                      everyday is a journey.

I cannot do it alone, 
The waves run fast and high, 
And the fogs close chill around,
 And the light goes out in the sky;
But I know that we two 
Shall win in the end--God and I.

--Unknown

When we first moved into our apartment in 2011, we went searching for some sort of exercise equipment we could workout without leaving the place. We finally made a decision on an elliptical machine we could assemble at home. It came in like a thousand pieces which I promptly put together. Yes, you heard me. I put it together. Even now, I cannot believe I did that. It took me several days, but I finished it. 

We used that poor thing or at least Emily did, on a regular basis. For five years that machine stood in my bedroom proudly displaying my technique of putting things together. I was very proud of that machine. 

Alas, just the other day, it stopped working. The pedals no longer  worked, obviously something on the inside broke. As Emily mourned the loss of the elliptical, all I could think about was how in the world we would carry it down to the trash.

Well, you put it together, then take it apart!

And that's what we did. Believe me, it was much harder to take it apart than it was putting it together.  We struggled and struggled to get all of the pieces out. We were covered in grease and oil, but this morning we finally carried it out to the dumpster. 

It seems to me, that things have been breaking (my car) and people moving away almost like a sign of change coming. This elliptical,  another item from the past being put to rest. We like to cling to where we once were, even if it wasn't a good place. We don't want to let go, because we don't know what the future holds. It much better to cling to what is familiar than to the unknown. At least, that's what we tell ourselves. 

As I look to the open and empty space where the elliptical once proudly stood, I cannot help but wonder what new thing will take it's place. Will it better? I'm almost sure it will, even though it's difficult to see right now. I do know, as we move forward, things become clearer and better, don't they?

Have a Blessed day everyone. 

That Embarrassing Thing

                                          Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

I cannot do it alone, 
The waves run fast and high, 
And the fogs close chill around, 
And the light goes out in the sky;
But I know that we two 
Shall win in the end--God and I.

--Unknown

I have written on many aspects of cancer, but I've never really written about one of my biggest side effects affecting me during this treatment. It's not a very pleasant topic, actually more of an embarrassing one. 

Ever since my surgery, I'm having much difficulty going to the bathroom. I understand the fact that things need time to go back to normal. I also understand the fact that I'm having chemo, but somehow, I expected things to be better. If it isn't constipation, then it's diarrhea or inflammation of the hemorrhoids. Lord, there is nothing worse!

I can deal with anything and Lord knows I've done so, but this is horrible. There is no relief. One ends, the other begins. Just when one feels a little better, we begin the circle all over again. Is it any wonder that I'm dreading radiation? Daily dosage?

Has anyone else had this problem in regards to cancer treatment? I would love to hear that I'm not alone. Besides, just talking about it out loud makes me feel better. I should say that this isn't the first time I've experienced this issue. I've gone through it every single time. One would think I would be accustomed to it. Instead, I think, I end up dreading it. 

For those of you saying I should consult my doctor, I already did. She has kindly offered to provide a prescription for me, but I've decided to go the natural method. That was then and now I find myself caving in to her offer. Now that I've shared my embarrassing and personal moments, it's time to go. 

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Interesting Days

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.


When you get into a tight place, and everything goes against you till it seems as if you couldn't hold on a minute longer, never give up then, for that's just the time and place that the tide will turn.
--Harriet Beecher Stowe.

"Well, here's to another difficult day," I said.

"It's not difficult, just interesting," replied Emily. 

Funny perspective on things, one we should adopt. Somehow, it's difficult to do when things are falling apart. We all know the cliches, "the domino effect" and "when it rains it pours." Even so, I figured I would adopt Emily's attitude toward the current developments around here.  

So how can we turn things around in a positive way? Well, all this provides new material for my blog. Plus, no matter how painful it may be, we do learn from it. We know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. 

I'm almost ashamed to admit what a cry baby I have become since this ordeal began back in March. For someone who has considered herself a strong, faithful woman, it's a hard pill to swallow knowing I've completely fallen apart. I cannot count the many times I've messaged Joey and Aubs. that the sky is falling! What must have they thought of me?

What has happened to this confident, strong as a bull woman? Where has she gone? That's all I ever hear people calling me. Just the other day, a friend from work said the same thing to me. I know I certainly don't feel like that woman. Even still, apparently people see me in this way. I feel as if my life has been placed on hold, in limbo, until further notice. Or may I just getting tired of it all?  

Interesting days . . . . they certainly have been. I can honestly say  that I don't regret any of these past weeks. I've found out so much about myself and about my friendships with others. Nothing we do here is for naught. Everything serves a purpose, even if that purpose is one we don't care for. Events happen and Seasons change bringing new things into our lives, some of them good and some not. Life is a box of chocolates, you never know which one you'll get. Maybe that's why it's interesting?

Have a Blessed day everyone.  

Simplicity In Itself

                                                   Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                    everyday is a journey.

A few weeks ago, I had the privilege of meeting up with my mentor friend from Texas. I have such a beautiful history with her as she was the one who Baptized me back in 2008. We have come a long way since those first few years of our spiritual journey. We hung out together, exercised together, went to bible study and sat side by side in Church as two single mothers. She was my buddy and my date for many of Church functions where couples reigned.

You have no idea how devastated I was when she upped and left for Texas in one gigantic and bold swoop! That's Anna, never afraid to step out and take a chance. It took a long time to accept her move. I was so happy for her, because her life changed forever for the better with that one risky decision. Life is very good for her in Texas.  Yet, I still missed her and the relationship we shared.

So every year, Anna comes out to visit her family and we get together for breakfast. This year another friend of ours joined our breakfast and we shared a wonderful morning together reconnecting. 

There was a moment, a mere millisecond of a moment, when she pulled up in her brand new vehicle where I felt a tinge of envy. I'm not sure what brought that on. It could have been because of all the struggles I have had financially with my fmla which ended up holding my money for almost six weeks. Or it could have been because of my vehicle constantly breaking down during my treatment. I'm not exactly sure, but that tinge of envy surfaced for a minute. 

Just as suddenly as it came, it disappeared. You see, even if I had all the money in the world, I cannot see myself buying a car such as hers. I cannot see living in a huge home with all the state of the art technology or luxury furniture. I cannot see myself coiffured from my head down to my toes. It's just not who I am. I'm a wash and wear person. I love simplicity in all things. I know this, yet the devil is always working overtime to steal our JOY.

I've realized that Anna is living the life she was meant to live and I'm living the life I'm suppose to live. We're both happy in our skins, no matter how different those skins can be. I'm very grateful who I am in Christ and I wouldn't change much. Maybe just a little bit about my life. I definitely would have a Tiny House, plenty of yarn, surrounded by the country life, developing my writing skills.

Have a Blessed day everyone.
 

The Purpose

                                                       Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                       everyday is a journey.

Weary of myself and sick of asking
 What I am, and what I ought to be,
At the vessel's prow I stand, which bears me
 Forward, forward, o'er the starlit sea

O air-born voice! long since severely clear,
 A cry like thine in my own heart I hear.
Resolve to be thyself: and know that he
Who finds himself, loses his misery.

--Matthew Arnold.

The last few weeks were the very first where I actually felt bored and restlessness. Nothing held my interest for very long. I wandered from one activity to the next looking for something, but what was that something? Even with food, nothing satisfied me and yet I wanted it all. 

I knew this day would come where the existence of an idle life would reign and boredom would set in. I love being active, the idle life is not for me! There is nothing worse than wandering from room to room searching for that one thing to occupy our minds. A day can seem like forever.

I need to feel useful. Productive. When one part of our life ends, another quickly takes it's place. The question remains, what is that new purpose? As I moped around the apartment, I began praying to God to show me the way onto that new path. I know my purpose here on Earth is to serve others in Christ-like fashion. I just need Him to push me onto that serving road. 

You know, the moment one realizes what needs to happen, we sort of spring into action, don't we? First, an idea appears and we mull on it. Then that idea turns into a plan with multiple steps.  From those steps comes realization of your purpose. 

Well, the idea did come and a plan was made. We are in the first step of that plan. I cannot say anything else at this point. I will say that I am very excited on this new path and cannot wait to see the fruit from it's labor. I do know it will be a few months until it is finished. Until then my friends check out a story I wrote for Thought Collection Notebook #5. This week you can purchase free a kindle version until Friday just leave a review. Here is the link:
 http://amzn.to/29EBAt6

Have a blessed day everyone.

Throwback Thursday

 

                                    Everyday is a brand new day, 

                                    everyday is a journey.

  Here we are at yet another Throwback Thursday where we take a peek into the year 2013 and provide an update on where we are now.

There are so many "firsts" in life and sometimes, these firsts are repeated over and over again. Yet, each time I've experienced that particular first, it held a different emotion, thus becoming another first.

Even though, I don't have a chemo partner any longer, I would suggest others to have one especially if it's your first experience with chemo. That chemo partner serves a tremendous purpose. Not only do you not worry about transportation, but they provide help with appointments, picking up medications and refreshments. 

Another word of advice if anyone is interested in becoming a chemo partner. Be ready to stay the majority of your day there, bring along some food or drinks and something to keep you preoccupied. I think that people just don't realize how time consuming that chemo treatment can be. Chemo is an all day project. Be prepared for that. 

That First Time

I remember the very first time I ever walked into the infusion area for chemotherapy patients. Everyone looked so frail and thin . . . . so ill. It was a huge room, filled with people. I was astounded to see so many going through chemo. That was the first time, my eyes were opened to the reality of cancer. What you don't see can't hurt you, right?   Cancer is everywhere, affecting everyone, whether it's your friend, co-worker or relative.

My friend, Jan, became my chemo partner. She would pick me up and stay with me for all six treatments. Sometimes, I would sleep or work on my puzzles or crochet, but each time Jan would get us lunch while there.

My emotions toward chemo were great. Compared to all I've been through physically, chemo was a piece of cake . . . . at least  that first bout with cancer. I did seem to be so extremely tired while there. Maybe my body was  so worn out from all those surgeries.

And now? Well, now the room has become smaller, much more private consisting of no more than three people at a time. I don't have a chemo partner by choice. I find I can face it alone now. The symptoms vary from one type of chemo to the next. With each re-occurrence, I have adjusted a little bit more to that acceptance part. My hope is that it will be years before my "next" bout.

Have a Blessed Day everyone.

Simply A Linen Closet

                                         Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.


To keep young, every day read a poem, hear a choice piece of music, view a fine painting, and, if possible, do a good action. Man's highest merit always is, as much as possible, to rule external circumstances, and as little as possible to let himself be ruled by them.
--Goethe.

It has been quite a few months since I have continued on with my simplification project. My energy levels hit an all time low and all I wanted was to sleep. Cleaning out and de-cluttering the last thing on my mind. Not to mention all these doctor appointments. 

So this time around I wanted to tackle the linen closet. As you can see it isn't utilized properly and very disorganized. 

 

 

I believe one of the problems happens to be that we buy in bulk majority of our products. This is something that is very economical and I would love to continue in doing, so we have to make this work.

Just looking at it makes one want to close the door and walk away.

Which I have on numerous occasions. One of the first things I needed to do is to make a plan for each of the shelves. What exactly did I want each shelf to hold. As expected, I found some treasures, discarded quite a bit and donated what I didn't need. 

In all honesty, organizing this closet took me a lot longer than anyone can imagine. Months longer. I just didn't have any desire to dig in there.The most surprising factor being that I put everything back in the exact shelf as before. So basically, all I did was clean it out and stack it a little neater. 

What does this say about me? Well, I guess I'm a creature of habit!

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Throwback Thursday

 

                                    Everyday is a brand new day, 

                                    everyday is a journey.

Here we are at another Throwback Thursday taking a look at the year 2013and providing an update on where we are now. 

I laugh to myself every time I re-read a post  concerning reducing the cancer list. I have spent these past nine years keeping my body as healthy as possible, following all the politically correct cancer "to do" list. I have given up so many things and I still get "helpful suggestions" from other people. But, this post isn't about my gripes! This blog exists to help others with the cancer process. Even I STILL learn from this journey. I do wish I posted where the article came from.

 

10 Ways

The article read:
10 Ways To Reduce Your Cancer Risk

   Over the years, I have been given many suggestions on how to prevent my cancer from coming back. People have bought me teas, made certain vegetable dishes, ordered special oils to anoint my body with and of course, vitamins. It all comes from the heart and I certainly appreciate the sentiment. I feel if people have gone so out of their way for me, the least I can do is try them.

  The article came from a health magazine. Of course, I couldn't help myself but read on. I really wanted to see if I'm following any of the 10 ways.
1. eat right, with an emphasis on fruits, vegetables and whole grains, cut down on red meat.
2. maintain a healthy weight. Overweight and obesity have been linked to cancers of the breast, uterus, colon, and rectum.
3. stop smoking. Tobacco use accounts for lung, cervix, bladder, kidney, pancreas, esophagus, mouth and throat.
4. avoid secondhand smoke.
5. drink alcohol only in moderation. Have no more than one drink per day for women and two per men.
6. keep physically active. Engage in at least 30 minutes of vigorous physical activity on five or more days a week.
7. stay sun safe. Use a sunscreen with an SPF of at least 30 year round even on cloudy days.
8. have cancer detention screenings and vaccines.
9. take care with X-rays and hazardous materials. Follow proper directions when handling chemicals, metals, dust and loose fibers.
10 . If you are a woman, decide carefully about HRT. Discuss risks versus benefits of hormone replacement therapy (HRT) with your doctor before using it.

  So, how did you do? I can honestly tell you, I'm 50/50. I eat healthy, hardly any meat, but I'm overweight. I don't smoke, hate to exercise, but walk a lot. I stay out of the sun and have screenings every three months in between re-occurrences. Oh, I do like to have a glass of red wine occasionally. I stay away from any medication unless I need to take them and that includes Tylenol, Advil etc.

  I think these 10 ways can describe any health issue. The point here is to eat right, exercise, and get plenty of sleep. Go to the doctor if you have any symptoms or ailments. Nothing is just nothing. One thing I have learned is to listen to my body. If I'm tired, I take a nap. If your head hurts, do something about it.Take care of any issues,  no matter how small. You are not being a baby. Let's take care of our bodies and our hearts!
Have a Blessed Week everyone.

Life Without A Car

                                          Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.

what is rightly done stays with us, 
to support another right beyond,
or higher up;
whatever is wrongly done vanishes;
 and by the blank,
 betrays what we would have built above.
--John Ruskin

 I sat at my desk, eating my toast and drinking a cup of coffee watching the perpetual drizzle of rain. Off in the distance a roar of thunder could be heard with an occasional flash of lightening. Well, that's it for my plans for this morning. 

Not having a vehicle really puts a damper on things. One becomes a slave to the weather, to other people, to the schedule and happenings of other things. It's called dependency. Suddenly, I'm no longer free to do what I want, when I want it and for how long I want it.  

The more I stared at that rain, the bigger my situation appeared. Feeling overwhelmed by everything, a small cloud of fear enveloped me as I thought in dread of all the appointments I have coming up. And none of them within walking distance. 

When I drove, it didn't matter what the weather was like, I drove in every type. I wasn't dependent on anyone else's schedule. I arrived when I wanted to and I left when I felt like it. I was my own person and I always encouraged people to learn how to drive. I, myself, was a late starter (age 35) before I learned how, so I understood what fear was like. When the GPS came out, even the expressway became my friend. Independence is a great accomplishment and many of us don't understand the value of it until we lose it. 

As the morning went on, so did the rain and sunshine appeared. It looked almost as if nothing occurred here, but peace and serenity. I was able to do my errands minus a car . . . . amazing! 

I learned a minor lesson here. There are many people out there without any transportation and somehow, they make it. It requires a little more planning, a little more flexibility and some good friends, but I think I'll be okay until further notice. Life is difficult and a bit overwhelming, but that doesn't mean we should fold and give up. All the more reason to be chugging along. It may be slow and steady, but isn't that what won the race?

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Up The Creek With No Paddle

                                          Everyday is a brand new day, everyday is a journey.


Just to let thy Father do
    What He will;
  Just to know that He is true,
    And be still;
  Just to trust Him, this is all!
    Then the day will surely be
  Peaceful, whatsoe'er befall,
    Bright and blessed, calm and free.

F. R. HAVERGAL.

  The above poem couldn't be more truer than these past couple of weeks and above all, today. It was a typical morning, nothing special. For a long time, I've been looking for a purpose feeling a little out of sorts with more time on my hands than I wanted. 

This morning, we've decided to go explore an idea for a new purpose in our lives. I cannot tell you more than that for now. It being right after a holiday, we figured it was a perfect opportunity for our secret adventure as many people returned to work. 

Well, we didn't get very far, maybe a full fifteen minutes into the ride. All of a sudden, I felt like I ran over something, even though I didn't really see anything on the road. I glanced into my side mirror and could see that my tire was looking a little low. And it kept getting lower. At that same time, the car next to me, pointed to my tire and then I knew I had a flat. 

If you know me personally, you know how much I dread breaking down. That is one of my biggest fears. You have no idea how lucky you married ladies are to have a husband that takes care of these things. 

So here we are, with a flat tire and I'm praying feverishly for a gas station to appear. And it did. I never knew that 7 Eleven had their own gas stations now. We're calling everyone and of course, my faithful nephew-in-law rescues us as always. 

To cut to the chase, the lugs on my tire are so twisted and rusted, he could barely remove them. A patron of the gas station even stopped to help out since he has a similar problem with his lugs, too. So what is the solution? Well, we'll have to tow it to the tire shoppe. Then they'll have to break that lug and install new ones. Then either they'll fix the tire or we'll purchase another one. 

All I saw was a mountain of cost. The tow truck, a new tire and labor. Plus, my tires are huge. Not a cheap tire. Just last week, my hose burst and all my antifreeze came pouring out like a dam that broke loose. Another cost. Is it worth it to keep fixing this 1998 Dodge Durango? I'm not so sure anymore. Besides, The rent is due and so are the bills. Even though we have some money saved up, it's not enough to cover everything. What is more important at this time? A car or everything else? I think we have the answer.

I must have had the look of the whole world's weight upon me, because suddenly, Emily looks me straight in the eye. 

"You have that look, mom."

"Well, tomorrow I have to go by my mom. Thursday is the dentist. Friday is Kathy's. Saturday is the Crocheting Ministry Meeting and Sunday is refreshments at Church."

"Stop worrying about Thursday and worry about today, mom."

And she's right. What's done is done. We are truly blessed that Tom came by to rescue us. We are blessed that suddenly he came up with an idea to at least get us home. He had a compressor with him so he pulled out the big razor, yes razor out of the tire, filled it up with air. We hopped in the car, with him driving behind us in case the tire went flat again. You could hear the air hissing out of that tire. We sped home in traffic as fast as we could with Tom and his compressor right behind us. If the air goes out, we pull over, fill it up again and go! That was the plan and that's what we did. 

We're home now and the tire is flat, but at least, parked in my parking spot for now.  I have no idea how we're going to fill the schedule for the week, but I know that God is good, all the time. We had our adventure. I have a purpose. God Bless Tom for rescuing us, the man in the car next to me for pointing out the flat, and the patron at the gas station for all their help. 

Have a Blessed day everyone.