everyday is a journey.
Am I wrong to be always so happy?
This world is full of grief;
Yet there is laughter of sunshine,
to see the crisp green on the leaf,
Daylight is ringing with song-birds,
and brooklets are crooning at night;
And why should I make a shadow when God makes all so bright?
Earth may be wicked and weary,
yet cannot I help being glad!
There is sunshine without and within me,
and how should I mope or be sad?
God would not flood me with blessings,
meaning me only to pine
Amid all the bounties and beauties he pours upon me and mine;
Therefore I will be grateful,
and therefore will I rejoice;
My heart is singing within me;
sing on, O heart and voice.
I laid around for what seemed like hours after turning off the alarm. I always set the time for an hour earlier than what I need to just for this purpose. It was so dark and it stayed dark, that it provided me with an illusion of having more time. In actuality, the clouds were darkened by rain and it wasn't until the thunder and lightening came that I realized the time.
I shouldn't be laying around in the first place. My mind begins drifting off to dark places where it has no business being, but I couldn't help myself. I knew I had to get up and face another round of radiation. I don't know why I'm having such a hard time with this. I've gone through some horrible, horrible health experiences and never ever has it been such a head thing as now.
After each treatment, as I dress, I stare at my reflection in the mirror in front of me. My entire front is so ravaged from these past nine years. My scars are huge and wide, overtaking a major part of my front. My belly button doesn't even resemble itself. I can point to every scar and tell you what year it came from and from what. Now, from my bellybutton to my my thighs, my body has been marked in black and red marker. It's looks absolutely atrocious.
When I lay on the radiation table, my bellybutton to my pelvic area uncovered, I feel so exposed. I feel like everyone can see this ravaged body. Why does this bother me so much, I cannot explain fully. It has nothing to do with nudity since the entire hospital has seen me by now. I no longer can hide behind a smile or a positive attitude. The important question is, who am I really hiding from? You cannot see me. Am I hiding from God? Or myself?
There is so much falseness around me. My family is in total disarray. Family members not getting along, sisters not speaking to one another, father/daughters unable to mend their broken relationships. You could not round up the entire family in one room right now. There would be someone having an issue with someone else. But, take our picture. We look gorgeous.
It's no different at work. In all honesty, with how many would I or you be willing to break bread with? Yet, we put on our smiles and a happy attitude and pretend we're all friends. That neighbor across the street. Do I really like them? Or am I hiding behind my smile?
A few months back, I wrote about a lady I met in chemo. She was so miserable and my happy, positive attitude made her even more angry. I couldn't understand how she could be like that. Why couldn't she accept her situation. Wouldn't it be better for her? The irony of it all? Now I'm the one sitting to the side looking all miserable. Why can't I accept my situation? Wouldn't it be better for me? God, how I hate looking in that mirror.
Have a Blessed day everyone.
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