Not What I Expected

                                                       Everyday is a brand new day,
                                                       everyday is a journey.

I have learned, as days have passed me,Fretting never lifts the load;And worry, much or little,Never smooths an irksome road;For do you know that somehow, always,Doors are opened, ways are made;When we work and live in patienceUnder all the cross that's laid.

--Unknown.

When I first made the decision to go ahead with this treatment, which involved surgery, I sublimely made grand expectations. I knew that I would have difficulties dealing with the idleness of recovery. Therefore, I concocted a list of activities that I could do sitting down. This list consisted of all the things I've wanted to accomplish, but never had the time. It was an ambitious list, but not a realistic one. 

You see, back then, I was thinking like a healthy person and not like a person with an illness.  That same list was tore down just the other day as I was filled with disgust with the lack of energy I've been feeling lately. 

Every morning as I wake up and prepare my breakfast, two things determine what kind of day I will have. Either I sit down at my desk with my coffee and toast or I sit down on my bed with my coffee and toast. 

When I sit at my desk, I have a very productive day. I'm not sure why. It could be the picturesque scenery outside my window. It could be the act of sitting up and becoming more mobile. When I begin my day at the desk, it's go go go for the rest of the day.

Quite the opposite happens when I choose the latter. I end up reading or crocheting or watching a movie. The day is slow and so are my actions.  

I find myself having more of the latter kind of days than the productive ones. I truly have set myself up for failure by setting up these super unattainable goals. To be fair, it hasn't only been the goals that have brought me down. There is also the subject of fmla, the car breaking down, the constant worrying or the intense humidity of July. 

I expected none of these things. Somehow, I expected to be a writing demon, issuing forth story after story. Instead, I find myself full of laziness, my mind an absolute blank as to what to actually write.  A blank white page stares up at me and no idea forms.

It was the same with the forms and paperwork of fmla. I expected everything to flow freely since I took care of these papers a whole month earlier. That's not what happened. Instead, I found myself spending endless mornings between work, fmla and my doctor. It shouldn't be like this. I have benefits. I pay my dues and I pay my taxes. I should not be treated in this manner. Not by my company and definitely not by my country. 

As to the worrying, all of it is my fault. Earlier this year, I prayed to be more trusting of God. Well, ask and you shall receive. Everything that could go wrong, has. The fmla approval was delayed, the finances were delayed, the recovery has been slow, the car has broke down over and over again. Talk about trusting God! I worried. I fretted. I got on my knees. I prayed. I yelled. I did it all. I was humbled. 

So my convalescence wasn't exactly what I expected nor did I want. I had visions of relaxing days, almost like a spa, than what really occurred. Sort of stupid of me. As August approaches, I've become more realistic. I expect nothing. When you expect nothing, even the smallest amount will make one happy. 

Have a Blessed day everyone.