All Of My Life

  The day passed quickly with numerous odds and ends performed amidst a mixture of pleasure and duty . Still , all that busyness couldn't erase the taste of failure that loomed overhead from the night before . How do I not bring it home ? How do I stop caring ? How do I become what I was before ? How do I become two people ? One work and one home ? I simply can't .
   The open road has always held an appeal to me . It spells freedom . Never have I wanted to get on it like now . Just get in my car and drive , wherever the road may take me , let that be my new home . A clean slate to start over .
   All of my life , I've stepped up , I volunteered , I gave up lunch , I came in early and left late . I've raised my hand and took on whatever had to be done . Not just at work . My home . My friends . My church . I've always taken on whatever had to be done whether I wanted to or not . But I did it because I understood the need for someone to take the lead . No matter who does it , it has to be done .
   There is a downside to all of that . A downside because with taking the lead comes responsibility and it's not always welcomed . Or appreciated . A downside because with respect comes disrespect . With success comes failure . With leadership comes authority . Authority is not always welcomed or favored  .
   Lately , I've felt more failure as a leader at work . Last night was one of those nights . Right at the start , I felt a forcefield of resistence to anything that had to be accomplished that night . There is nothing worse than knowing you will lose the fight but you still have to fight that fight . You still have to get into the rink and lose .
   Every night , I have close to fifty people that I have to manage . Their moods , their complaints and  the problems they are facing on any particular night that I try to solve . You really need to develop tough skin to keep turning that cheek . I can't seem to  do that . I feel every slap . I don't know how to become hardened .
   With the promotion looming ahead , I have begun to wonder if I'm cut out for this type of job . Walking out this morning , with my shoulders slumped , feet dragging and head hanging down , a sense of failure overtakes me . If they approached me right now with the offer , I would have turned them down . Today , I have failed . Has  David , Moses , or Paul ever felt like this ? A sense of utter defeat ? Did they want to give up ? Right now , I want to .
    Upon returning to work from my illness , I've been struggling with my job . Struggling , because I have changed . I have become so aware of feelings and emotions . I've developed compassion and caring for these people even if they don't see it . I am melting on the inside . I cannot become hardened .
    There , in the office , a friend said to me : You're Christian views guide you as you deal with the people and their issues . That is a plus .
    Is it a plus ? Right now , it feels more like a Cross . I need prayer , my friends , for strength and endurance .
    Let's have a Blessed Sunday everyone .