everyday is a journey.
What does your anxiety do? It does not empty to-morrow, brother, of its sorrow; but ah! it empties to-day of its strength. It does not make you escape the evil; it makes you unfit to cope with it if it comes.--Ian Maclaren
Since coming back to work, I've been asked what do I prefer, chemo or radiation? Oh, chemo hands down! There is a vast difference in the two. A major difference.
Chemo may have 6 to 8 sessions or maybe even more for some people, but it is not a daily treatment. Although, I have seen some people who do come in multiple times in a week. Mine were every three weeks. No matter how bad they were and chemo is very bad, but I had a break in between. I could go and spend the entire day there and then stay home recuperating for the next several weeks.
Radiation is the opposite. Radiation is like having an additional job to the one we have. A sort of a part timer. As much as they like to state it's only a 15 minute session, the whole time allotted going to and fro equals a whole lot more. It is a hassle that is added to an already busy health style in a chronic person's day. I leave at 7:30 a.m. everyday and don't come back until well after 10 a.m. That doesn't include rising early , getting dressed and having breakfast. It is a part time job.
With all of this in mind, I have been focusing quite a bit on the quality part of living. For years now, I have spent my vacation days for all the doctor visits and tests. Very few of them are actually spent on "vacation." Nine long years of this and now they have added on radiation. My fear is that this is the new norm. Where is the happiness level in all of this? Where is the quality? I have no desire to be just alive, I want to live life.
So I work, have my Ministry, do some writing. I try to live my life to the fullest, keeping my schedule brimming with busyness. I don't want to waste this time I'm so generously been given. Yet, there is a point where I worry if my body can keep up. I could see a huge difference this time in the healing process of my body. I'm older and not as vibrant as I once was. Can I keep doing this when remission ends and the cancer comes back? My cancer is a re-occurring one. People really hate when I say that, but it is true and I need to prepare myself for that moment. I cannot live in denial, only in acceptance.
One thing I never thought I would ever worry about would be retirement. Somehow, I always figured I would stay until the appropriate retirement age. I no longer feel that will happen. This Summer has really been a struggle and I cannot help, but think about retiring early next time the cancer returns. I could most likely handle it, but where would the happiness be? The quality of life? Why should I struggle? There comes a time where we really have to think about what is right for us instead of what we want for us.
Definitely something to think about.
Have a blessed day everyone.
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