everyday is a journey.
RESIGNATION
The acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable.
You have no idea the shame I felt driving home. Here I have been acting like a fool in a full blown tantrum and God still provided for me. He still took care of me. All the fight basically left me. There is no way I intended to fight God. If He has made a way for me to be here everyday, then I have no choice but to make an effort.
I may not like it, but I resigned myself to do it. That's when it began, this resignation. I have no idea why He wants me here or how in the world I'm to benefit from all of this. And don't tell me so I could stay alive. People in a coma are alive. I want to live life.
I will tell you a secret. In truth, there is a part of me that really wants to quit my Ministry. Sometimes I feel like I'm an advocate for cancer and my Ministry. When it comes to cancer or crocheting, people flock to me. Being a servant of God is hard work. One comes in contact with all sorts of people and one has to deal with their likes and dislikes. I'm finding out that I cannot keep all of them happy. Maybe I'm not cut out for any of this. Maybe I'm not a leader at all.
Volunteers, volunteer their time and their time is very precious, because of that they can cancel whenever they want. They don't have to show up, participate or do anymore if they don't choose to. It's that simple. No one pays them. They are free to choose to come and go as they please. That's why being a leader of any group of volunteers is very difficult. There is a saying I've just learned that goes something like this: You cannot be everything to everyone, but you can be something to someone.
So now you know my struggles. There is a part of me that wants to go back when it was a Ministry of one. . . me. When this cancer came back it was, in a way, for me to take a break. A break that I truly welcomed. I would take these two or more months and relax by doing what I wanted to do. It was going to be about me. This recovery would be leisurely. It was nothing like it at all.
You see after Peter denied Jesus, he went fishing, because he felt like a failure. The problem was, he couldn't catch any fish. He no longer was a fishermen of the sea, but a fishermen of men. He couldn't go back to his old life. In a way, I cannot go back either. That's what happened to me. I couldn't write or crochet. Remember the afghan for my son that I've unraveled five times? I cannot change what God wants me to be. I am an advocate for cancer and for my Ministry.
To be continued.
Have a Blessed day everyone.
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