everyday is a journey.
RESIGNATION
- 2.the acceptance of something undesirable but inevitable."a shrug of resignation"
That drive home became the struggle of my life. Every turn I made was worse than the one before. It always somehow led me back to that one street. I guess there was only one way to go and no easy way to go around it. I wasn't going to get there any faster. Slow and steady. How profound is that?
I think I gave up the struggle not too far from home. I've realized that I have been fighting ever since that first day encounter with that young woman. I fought. I screamed. I complained, but the inevitable had to be faced. Radiation was here to stay.
All these years, I have been praying on the same things over and over again. Sometimes, even crying out to God in frustration. When, Lord, when? Why is it always no? God already granted that wish, I just had to go for it. The only person stopping my dreams from coming true was myself. If I wanted it, I needed to get up and reach for it. The change had to come from me and no one else.
Every morning, I would wake up around 5 unable to get back to sleep. Instead, I would replay every reason why I shouldn't go to radiation that day. I would literally hold a conversation with myself, arguing what's the point? What am I doing this for? It would continue all the way there. I would complain about the traffic, the crazy morning drivers, the construction on every street, the cyclists in my way. I would voice my opinion of how much this was costing me money-wise every single day. The parking fee, the tanking up on gasoline and my shortage of time became a constant complaint. One that I voiced every. . . single. . . solitary. . . day.
They were nothing, but excuses. Like a child who throws a tantrum, I threw excuses at anyone who would listen. I hate this and I hate that. Why am I doing this? I have no life! You don't understand what I'm going through! Why doesn't everyone just leave me alone!
One particular day, it was a busy morning at the clinic and I had to wait for my treatment. I waited and waited, my mood quickly shifting to the bad side. In my mind, I could see the clock hands moving faster and faster to when my meter would run out. I still had to have my treatment and see the doctor. I grew so agitated, my thoughts running away with me. My meter would run out and I would get a ticket. No, no, I was walking out right after my treatment and the doctor would have to wait. And I wasn't sure if I was coming back tomorrow. It would really have to be a good reason for me to do so.
That's what I told myself. The treatment finished and I proceeded towards the nurse, my words all rehearsed in my mind on telling her I was going home. Sorry, no time. Instead, she stopped me dead in my tracks by what she said next.
Miss Krol, you can go home. The doctor hasn't come in yet and he'll see you tomorrow.
How do you like that? You just don't play with God. He always wins.
To be continued.
Have a BLESSED DAY EVERYONE.
That's what I told myself. The treatment finished and I proceeded towards the nurse, my words all rehearsed in my mind on telling her I was going home. Sorry, no time. Instead, she stopped me dead in my tracks by what she said next.
Miss Krol, you can go home. The doctor hasn't come in yet and he'll see you tomorrow.
How do you like that? You just don't play with God. He always wins.
To be continued.
Have a BLESSED DAY EVERYONE.
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