Holding It Together

Driving to the corner store for some chocolate chips and dried fruit , a little hiccup escaped . The corners of my mouth threatened to droop in an outpour of sudden tears . I just want to make it through without falling apart .

This is probably the first time in six years that all I care about is making it through the day somehow . There is no project , nor lesson , nor challenge occupying my mind except how much I hurt and how to overcome it  on that day .  

My mind drifts to five months ago in the doctor's office . I asked her if I could work during this chemo and she assured me that this chemo " wasn't as bad " as the others . Well , it's worse than the others . This is the absolute worst chemo I've ever had . Period .

My doctor has told me that they treat cancer as a whole , because they don't know how to treat cancer per individual . What that means is the side effects are based on the average not on each individual . Not how Lottie's body will react , but how all ovarian patients have reacted .  My body reacted in this particular way with this particular type of chemo , someone else may have a different scenario .

I'm a three-peat cancer champion  and each time , my treatment and recovery was handled differently per my work . I have worked part-time ( 3 days a week ) , off on FMLA the entire time ( 6 months )  and now I'm off during the week of my treatment only ( work 3 weeks , off 1 ) . Which is better ? I have no idea . It was difficult each time around . I don't believe there is an easy way , cancer is cancer . Period .

It has also affected my personal life more than the others . No matter how badly I felt in the past , I made a point to go on with whatever responsibilities that were set before me . I didn't cancel being a Sunday School teacher , I didn't stop my charities , I still made a point in writing a blog everyday nor did I stop going out with my friends and family . Unfortunately , I can't say the same now .

I find myself canceling more and more , not even bothering to get out of bed . There have been times there were no new entries made here on this blog . I have called in sick to work hating the fact that I can't do my job .

I question the decisions I have made now and in the past regarding work and persoanl activities . I'm beginning to think I should have taken time off from everything and allowing my body to heal . What about my spirit ? My mind ? Would they have healed properly if I sat cooped up away from everyone ? I'm not so sure .

So today's entry is not finished . This story is left without an ending . I feel like I should write " to be continued " because there is more to be told . Until then , have a Blessed day everyone .

P.S.
      The reason I was at the store was because Emily was making homemade granola .