On The Eve Of .....

  Today is the eve of my last chemo . I'm not exactly sure how I feel about that . I do know I'm feeling very anxious and trying to keep myself very occupied as to not think about it . I didn't sleep all night instead I spent the night crocheting , gathering my tax info , cleaning out my drawers and closet , darning clothes  and everything else . I don't want to think about it .
   I know I will break down  and start crying . It will be a very emotional day for me and I can't even explain why . I find it frustrating that I'm so emotional all the time over everything . I should be jumping up for joy that it will be over real soon  and yet I'm not .
   I'm also very scared of taking the last chemo . I feel like it will be terrible and I don't know if I have the stamina for it . I'm scared of it . I only remember too well three weeks ago and how I felt  physically . Everyone is like , hooray you're done , but I'm not done . Everything is not going to be like it used to be . You can't go back and it's frustrating to me to hear people say that to me . I'm sorry . I'm so stressed and irritable . Please forgive me .

when we get to feeling jaded
by the problem that we face
and the world that we inhabit
seems a less than perfect place
there is a refuge waiting
we can find most anywhere
an antidote for sorrow
like a breath of rain washed air
this tiny
little miracle
is absolutely free
and finding it can change us
from the way we used to be
at just a moments notice
it can rearrange our world