Day 25

Let's confront the elephant in the room. I need to be honest and admit that I am deeply bothered with the death of Linda. I think the reason why I'm so angry, dissatisfied and high strung lately has to do with her unexpected death. 

You see, unlike Lora ( who was very prepared and in acceptance with her health issues) Linda has never accepted her illness. As long as I have known her, she distressed over it . . . . the chemo treatments, the petscans, the doctor visits . . . . all of it.

I spoke to her a month or so before her sudden death. Even then, she was so distraught over her inability to eat. She was so scared that she would die, because she wasn't ready. In her mind, she still had so much unfinished business here. God couldn't possibly take her now, she was needed here.

As a fellow mother, I can understand her feelings. We want everything here to be good when we do leave this earth. We need to know, to be reassured that things and people we love would be taken cared of since we will not be able to do so ourselves.

What upsets me is that death comes whether we are ready for it or not. It happens suddenly and we have absolutely no control over it. It doesn't matter how things are here, when it's our time, it's over. I know that deep down inside I have always known this, but somehow it seems so close and personal this time.

I'm not ready with my things here, either.

I have dealt with the act of dying a long time ago. In truth, I've always thought my here would be taken cared of already, but it hasn't. Linda's dying so suddenly and unexpectedly has made me aware of the very fact. Are my things in order? Absolutely not.

I certainly don't want to be in the same place as Linda and unprepared. I'm afraid that things here won't be settled when it's my turn. If I won't have time settle things here, who will do them for me?

I know I have to believe and trust God to leave in His hands the people I cherish most, but it's easier said than done. I have seen people suffer after losing someone they love. I don't want that to happen here. So I'm upset and I know it makes no rational sense for my emotion, yet here I am . . . worried what the future holds for them.

Did she leave peacefully? I certainly hope so. I have prayed that if God chose to take her, let her go peacefully and quickly, not worried about the here.

Have a Blessed day everyone.