Looking Back On Saturday

I think I complained nonstop the second time the cancer came back. I just hated the fact it was back. I wasn't happy about it and there was no one or anything that would change my mind in regards to it.

Deep down, I realized that it was my fear of dying. Those six or more months were spent in defiance to the fact that one day I would die. I fought in every way possible, with my words, and my body.

Nowadays, I'm in a much better place. I truly believe anyone with a chronic illness confronts death whether they like it or not. We need to accept our illness. That's something that Linda had a problem doing.

Although, who knows what my emotions will stir up when the cancer comes back yet again. Every time it does, it peels away another layer that needed to be confronted.

Grumpy Me 

 It was chemo day today . I have begun to hate chemo day . Don't get me wrong , the nurses and staff are wonderful . It's just me . I'm tired of it all .

   I have to take these steroids for a couple of days before chemo . They give me a reaction . I turn beet red in the face and neck . It will wear off after a week . I swear it also bloats my face and my stomach . This morning ,  I was so bloated I couldn't fasten my pants . When we got there , I looked around and no one else has this problem . The waiting room was filled with normal looking people ........except me . I'm the only one with that darn red face . It is so embarrassing . Then the hot flashes . I was burning up . I felt like my face was on fire .
   I sat  there , taking in my infusion  , bloated sky high . I felt like I would burst  if I didn't burp soon . It's 7:30 pm and I'm still waiting to burp .  Driving home , I could feel that metal taste in my mouth come a whole day early . Lucky me . Next , the good ole nausea , constipation , diarrhea and my favorite  vomiting . It's going be a long night .
  I can't take this any longer . Today , I felt like getting up and walking out  and never coming back again . What is the point of all of this ? Six months ? A whole year ? How long until it comes back again ?  I  have another two months of this  and I don't think I can handle it . I'm feeling very tired suddenly . I need to go lay down .

Have a blessed day everyone.