A Writing Fest

Writing has become my other outlet, crocheting being my first. The longer I go without it, the more stressed I become. I had such plans last Saturday for my writing. I had the whole day reserved to lock myself in my room and write.

Of course, that didn't happen. As usual, life seems to interfere. I often think that the only time I ever will have unlimited writing and crocheting time will be in Heaven. I could actually picture myself doing that.

Lately, it seems there is a writer's block of sorts following me around. Every time I sit down to let loose the words, BAM, a call comes or no internet connection. Even  my beautiful window holds no view. With all this humidity, the sun has been pouring it's rays right through my picturesque window. I had to close the shutters until further notice.

I often wish I had a tape recorder ( a modern version, of course) where I could leave all my brilliant ideas whenever they appeared. It's hard to pen something down when you're driving. I can remember many a times where I actually wrote a story in my head as I was driving to work. The bad thing is, when it came time to actually write it, it quite never came out the same way. It just wasn't as good as that first time.

I have seen interviews of authors, where they set aside a certain time for writing. At that appointed time, they close the door and shut the outside world out. Even if they don't write anything, they still sit there until the time runs out.

Maybe, I can do that when I live alone, but at this time, it's not possible. Even Emily has been getting up with the birds and wanders into my room right at my set time to chat  while she drinks her breakfast smoothie or combs her hair.

My children are first, I will not ever tell them to get out so I can write. Didn't I say I wanted to make memories? I should add that I wanted to make good memories, not just any kind.

We all learn to adjust as we age. Take this morning. I thought I would get up early, make my coffee and sit down to write a story or two before I left for my mom's. I like to visit my mom before work since she lives a mere 10-15 minutes from my job. Instead, there was a voice message from one of my ministry ladies asking for more supplies.

So, of course, where do you think I'm heading out to now? Have a blessed and cool day everyone.

Throwback Thursday

It's funny how the small things in life makes one feel loved and appreciated. The simple things we do for one another mean more than any grandeur action. To this day, I can remember and cherish all the thoughtful things that everyone has done for me. If I remember one thing about that time many years ago is that I have never felt more loved by people than I did then. That is a feeling that should be felt by everyone every single day.

True Friends

   Today , I had a lesson in true friends . While I was making copies for Sunday School , my friends kept showing up to wish me a Happy New Year . I love these women . They are ever present in my life . We have shared our children , our stories , our tears . Many a Women's Group lesson that was put away while we shared our problems with one another . These women would do anything for me at the drop of a hat .
  I haven't been around these past two or three weeks to my group . Haven't been feeling well at all .
They've been reading my blog and leaving messages on my phone . Today , one offered to shave her head so I wouldn't feel alone in this . Another , reads my blog everyday and prays according to what my needs are that particular day .
   We have communion once a month and that is one thing I miss while I'm downstairs with the children . That special time taking communion . Right before communion today , one of my friends came down  and offered to take my place while I go upstairs to partake .
  Let's not forget the friend who always sends beautiful  and sometimes hilarious emails to cheer me up . All of these women   mentor my girl . Are there for her as  role models and I know will be there for her when I'm gone .
  All I have to say is I need prayers  and a ricochet effect goes into place . These women are my livelihood . They are my rocks . You know who you are . Know that I love you  and appreciate everything you do for me .

Have a blessed day everyone.

Peace & Hope

 

Of all the things in life I have wished for, one has been peace. Yet, I find it is one of the hardest to attain. Whenever I have felt at peace, things or someone always want to wreck it. Why is that? Why are people so intent on being miserable and making sure that everyone else is too?

 

 

I have friends who are absolutely great at maintaining their peace. They see the positive in everything, even those that try to wreck it. They can turn any bad situation into a good one. How do they do that? I've always wanted to grow spiritually in Peace like them.

I have learned that peace is something we have to constantly work towards. It never ends, it never rests. It is work that should continue until we leave this Earth. There are times where I feel I'm on the right track, that's when the devil usually comes in and tries to ruin any progress I have made .

I struggle with this constantly, especially at work. I believe we all have something that brings us to that level, that very state where we crumble all our resolve and our peace is threatened. My place is my workplace. Where is yours?

Hope. . . . Thank goodness that God offers Hope. If I didn't have Him or the Hope of what could be . . . . well, I don't even want to go there. God has been with me from day One and I hope he never leaves me.

 I think we all could use a reminder. Have a blessed day everyone.

A Tiny House

If I should be so blessed to live a long life or see both my children settled, I have been thinking about living in a tiny house. Having mentioned this to Emily, she just laughs and laughs her little heart out.

Where are you going to put all that yarn at? The books and all these supplies? You know you're a hoarder.

Yes, I'll admit I'm a hoarder now, but my desire to continue with my Ministry and Writing is stronger than my hoarding. I want to live a simple life. I have no desire to keep acquiring space that I have no use for.

I have been checking out different styles that could be more accommodating to my needs. I admit, I would have to get rid of many of my belongings and only live off the basics. I know I could survive on 4 plates, 4 spoons, a frying pan, a crockpot etc.

I could plant this little sucker in a camp site where the scenery would be delightful every day of the year, except for summer when many campers converged. The upkeep would be the best for someone like me. My utilities would be quite small, there might be a problem with internet connection, but workable. Water and bathroom connections would also be available at the camp site.

I think I could make it work.

I do worry about storage since I really like buying in bulk like toilet paper, trash bags, and detergent. I also worry about the stairs leading to the loft. They really would need to have a good handrail.
Otherwise, the thought of spending my time doing the things I love instead of cleaning and maintaining an apartment.

Another problem would be laundry. I would have to make frequent surprise visits to Joe and Emily's houses bringing laundry like a college student.

Just think how much the grandkids would love it. I would be the greatest grandma in the world! Family and friends can visit, but can't spend the night. How wonderful. Yes, definitely  and seriously thinking about a Tiny house.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Monday's Yoga

As you can remember, I have been doing my exercise tapes from Netflix. It will be a very long time before I'm done, but anyone who knows me knows how much I dislike working out. So when the yoga tape came in, I groaned out loud. The idea of getting down on the floor, kneeling and such, was too much for me with my leg pain.

I went one time with my niece Kathy, who is an avid yoga master, to a free class that was offered at a place where she goes to regularly. In fact, her daughter and husband came along as well. None of us have returned since then.

Don't get me wrong. Yoga is a great stretching exercise, but for me it is painful. I'm sure if I kept at it, I would become very loose and maybe the pain would go away. In the meantime, all these positions where one has to have agility to quickly drop to the floor, kneel and perform these stretches are too much for me.

Yet, I did the entire DVD, groaning and grunting loudly with each movement. As one stretches, you can feel that muscle being pulled to the max from one point to the next. Very powerful and quite honestly, when all was said and done, felt good.

So I've come to the conclusion that it's all me. I'm too lazy to work out. I'd rather diet than work out. Yet, we know we need to do both. Of all the different types of exercise programs (and I've done many)this yoga thing is probably the best fit for me. So all I need to do is get myself into it mentally.

Whenever we don't like something, our mind immediately shuts down and we want nothing to do with it. Instead, we make excuses as to why we cannot accomplish this impossible feat. I feel like that with exercise. To me it's just drudgery! I have no motivation to get going and actually continue with it daily.

Deep down inside, I know I could greatly benefit from a daily routine of stretching. Now if I could get some motivation going. . . .

Have a Blessed day everyone.

A Heavy Heart

I can remember once before in my life where I went to an event with mixed feelings. That was a funeral of an in-law family member. I sat there and honestly racked my brain trying to remember one good moment with this person that I have spent.

I couldn't think of one. The last time I spent with her she was in a foul mood as always complaining about others. And then she was gone.

Have you ever been invited to such an event where your feelings felt constricted? Perhaps an union that wouldn't last? A funeral of someone who was mean?

It's just a Wedding Shower for two people that will be wed soon. Only The bride-to-be gave up Jesus to be with her groom. She became a Moslem.

I have watched this young girl grow up into  a woman. I have seen her at birthday parties and related gatherings. I have seen her dating young men whom looked like they could be the one. I definitely did not see this coming.

So I sat there wanting to wish this beautiful young woman the very best and I couldn't even say the words. How can it be great with no Jesus in it? I've always had God in my life and couldn't even image life without Him in it.

My heart is so heavy and there is nothing I can do, but pray.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

I'm Hanging And Banging

A group of my fellow co-workers and I have this great saying whenever asked how we are doing:
I'm hanging and banging! It always puts a smile on my face.

Today, Emily and I are doing exactly that. Hanging around the apartment in our comfy clothes, each in her own territory and busy doing her own thing. Today, we're just hanging and banging.

Summer around here has been very humid and we haven't been able to really enjoy it. July is almost over and I rarely sat in front of my favorite desk enjoying the view. There really hasn't been one. Everyone basically has the same idea as us, staying indoors with the air on. If it isn't humid, then it's pouring rain. What a summer, I tell you.

It seems that we have had such busy schedules of late on the weekends( tomorrow another wedding shower) that our quiet family time  has been nonexistent. Sometimes, we just want to relax with no agenda in sight.

So today we ordered in some food(not quite healthy) and plan on watching the show about nothing(Seinfeld). We're staying in, just relaxing in each other's company de-stressing. Hope you do, too.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Steadfast Faith

While Churchill was disappointed, he remained steadfast. England would not surrender. As Churchill had already stated:

We shall not flag or fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France, we shall fight on the seas and oceans, we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air. We shall defend our island, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills; we shall never surrender.

That's my mentality. As much as it may sound wonderful to have this quality, it can also be a downfall. Sometimes, things can't be won and we need to know when to quit. I never know when it's time to let go and move on. I keep on fighting even when the lights go out.

Would anyone call that steadfast faith? I'm not so sure. Sometimes, I feel it should be called stupidity. People all around me are giving up their jobs, their homes and moving on to another state to live out a dream.

Me? I am a chicken. I wonder and worry about a job, a place to live, a vehicle to drive in and even insurance to take care of my cancer re-occurrences. I think about how close I am to walking away with full benefits in a few years. All those years I've worked for and put up with so much, I want all of the reward for doing so.

Even now as I write, I can feel myself voicing the battlefield song  of keep going, do not let your arms to fall. Fight and keep on fighting.

What is wrong with me? Let it go, pack up your bags and move on.

Yet, I cannot do that. I am not wired like that. For as long as I can remember, I have heard my parents tell me how I need to do the right thing, be a leader, be responsible and think others needs before mine. That's what has fueled my perseverance to keep plowing ahead no matter how rough the terrain. Remember the movie 300? One of my favorites and Winston Churchill.

With that folks, I'm getting dressed and heading out to Soddom and Gomorrah, full speed ahead. To think I was feeling so defeated only a few minutes ago and suddenly this posting lifted my spirit. My hope is that all of you can renew the strength that lies inside to keep moving even when we are down.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

And It Came To Me

I can't remember what it was we were doing yesterday when Emily sat up and remarked:

We are no longer under construction!

She's right! We couldn't remember when it officially ended. We were so surrounded by construction from every angle that I guess we have become immune to it.

The street construction has ended or at least as far as we can tell. The upstairs is finally renovated and tenants have moved in. Even the house across the street has stopped it's hammering, taking the rest of the remodeling indoors.

And then it came to us, it's quiet folks.

As to my leg problem, I've come to realize that when the humidity is at the highest, my leg swells. I could swallow the entire container of pills having no relief at all.

Nowadays, one cannot go to see a doctor and hope to be out within the hour. There is the waiting room, then the other waiting room inside, the taking of the vitals, the intern visit, the doctor appears and finally the receptionist. Hopefully, there is no need for lab work or a visit to the pharmacy.

And then it came to me that any doctor visits regarding my leg will have to wait until the coming Winter. I cannot afford anymore vacation days right now.

Which brings me to my writing. I love to write, especially in the early hours. Every morning, I awaken on my own without an alarm clock with only the birds as my companions. That 's when I'm a real writer. All my creativity flows beautifully, because there are no distractions.

Every single morning, I automatically awaken, but am I writing? No! First, there was no internet connection along with my cable. Something happened, because there were a couple of Comcast trucks parked a block away. Or I have an early appointment or delivery to make. Or the phone rings or Emily wakes early.

And then it came to me. I have a small window of opportunity and if I don't take it, it's over. I need quiet, no interruptions and I need my morning or the muse shuts down for the day. So we wait for the next day to come.

Isn't that where Hope and Faith comes in? Have a blessed day everyone.


-

In The Heat Of The Night

It's been very humid lately and I can't enjoy my beautiful scenery outside my window. There isn't even a wisp of a breeze to move those curtains. Even if I did look outside, it would look like a ghost town. Everything is at a standstill.

That's how I feel my life has been lately. It's become a stagnant existence with no movement whatsoever in either direction. My heart longs to make a turn somewhere and yet, it is not to be for now.

There is nothing worse than being stuck in a rut waiting for that next move. To me, this is the most difficult for I have a huge problem with being idle and immobile. I like to see results for any action, but what happens when it takes awhile?

What happens when the waiting on God is just too much to bear?

These past two years have been very difficult. We've just been accepting things as they are, hoping and waiting for the tide to shift in another direction. Waiting can turn into drudgery in a heartbeat. How can I avoid that?

I have definitely changed the way I pray. For one thing, I do not pray for things for me personally. I pray for God to show me the way He wants me to go. Let His will prevail by pointing me in the direction for that to happen.

In the meantime, I'm trying desperately to keep myself busy with small projects whether that means writing, crocheting or just cleaning out the closet.

How do you keep yourself busy during a time such as the one mentioned? Are you in the same position as I? Do you long for the same? Are you waiting for a shift in the breeze?

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Grumpy Me

It was mid-morning when the realization hit me. Every time I come home exhausted from work the night before, I wake up crabby. Today was one of those days.

When these mornings occur, all I want to do is what I want, not what I have to. So I banged around in the kitchen, muttering under my breath my dislike of the situation. When we're upset, we honestly believe we're the only ones doing all the work.

It's a good thing that Emily and I get along as roommates. When we argue, it doesn't last, merely seconds later and everything is forgotten. It's a good thing for days like these when I blow up for no reason.

Apparently, a good night's sleep makes a huge difference.

Why do we hurt the ones we love?

We all have heard that saying, haven't we? I think it all has to do with the fact that they know us so well and they offer us unconditional love. We know they love us no matter what happens and no matter how we act.

They also know what has caused the uproar. They know when we need coffee, or more sleep or when we're troubled. They know us. Of course, that doesn't mean we can freely abuse them either.

Thank goodness for the people who love us. Have a Blessed day everyone.

Sharing Your Story

This past Saturday, the  crocheting ministry held it's monthly gathering. Nothing new there. We have been doing so for almost two years now. What was different was the sharing.

We sat on a park bench getting eaten by insects all around us, but that didn't stop the sharing of our lives with one another. We spoke of our marriages, our coming to Christ, our fears for our children, relationships gone bad and my cancer. Basically, we fellowshipped as women with each other.

As I walked away in the latter part of the afternoon that Saturday, I felt so fulfilled and heart happy. I've been silently dreaming for such a thing to happen.  God has been brewing an idea in my head to hold a bible group for women. The only problem? The type of group.

In my mind, I envisioned a gathering of women such as this one where we engage one another with encouragement and understanding. Beth Moore has always been  my inspiration and I love her workbooks, but many feel that's too much homework. Majority of people don't really like homework.

So I'm open to any other suggestions. Also, this is something in the far  future for now, since my availability would only be the weekend. Who would you suggest?

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Throwback Saturday

A lot has changed since the post below regarding my FAITH. I've learned to trust God more and not worry as much. I've also learned that trials come and go. We need to snatch the Joy closer to our hearts and savor each moment.

I still don't make plans ahead. I don't think too much of years to come or try to imagine what it would look like. I'm more centered on living in the here and now. I don't eve like to sign up for  weekly class.

I've also learned that faith takes time. It doesn't come quickly, but like a lot of things in life, it grows better and bigger with time.

Looking Back

   What a beautiful , sunny day it is !!! A warm , sunny New Year's Eve ! Who would have thought it possible . It's ironic that it should be like this . I dreaded this day coming like something awful . The holidays itself  were very melancoly for me .
   I am a person who likes organization and planning . Before cancer , my whole life was planned out . It has been quite an adjustment living by the seat of my pants , not having control . It is what I wanted , isnt't it ? I wanted to trust God completely with my life . Well , there it is . Be careful what you ask for .
  This year , has started out so promising , so full of rainbows that for a minute I thought I was dreaming . This couldn't possibly be my life , right ? Alot of wonderful things happened to me this past year . My son got married and I gained a daughter-in-law and two beautiful grandchildren . I thank God for Marybeth Fisher sharing them with me .
   As great as the beginning was , all the way up to August , it ended with tower after tower tumbling down . Everything I touched lay in ruins . Talk about being attacked ! Nothing worked . I know what is happening . My faith is very strong . Discouragement just right around the corner . I know I have to wait this out . What more could possibly happen ? I know I am not the one in charge . I can try to manipulate , to alter , to change  anything I want but it won't work without HIS approval .
  As this year comes to a close in just a few hours , I feel  defeated and worn out . All I can do is give myself completely to Him . I can't make anything happen . I can't fix anything . I can only wait upon the Lord to show me where I'm to go .
   I have no idea what will happen in 2012 . I'm not even sure if I can handle it . But I do know that everywhere I do go , it's where I'm supposed to be . Happy New Year Everyone .

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Throwback Thursday

I have reposted this so many times all because it is one of my all time favorites. I really miss watching Andy Rooney on 60 Minutes. I didn't need to watch the whole program, but I always made sure I tuned in at the very end to hear his spiel. Enjoy.

Let's Laugh A Little

Hello Everyone ,
                            I have not been feeling well these past few days . Nothing new there . I'm sure I'm sounding like a stuck record . Originally , I was going to write a different story  but considering how bleak these past few days have been , I'd rather laugh instead . Tomorrow , we can cry together . Today , let's laugh instead to one of my favorite stories ever by the great Andy Rooney. Enjoy !!!


WHY OLDER CHICKS RULE by: Andy Rooney

 

As I grow in age, I value women who are over 40 most of all. Here are just a few reasons why: A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night to ask, " what are you thinking?" She doesn't care what you think. If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit around whining about it. She does something she wants to do. And, it's usually something more interesting. A woman over 40 knows herself well enough to be assured in who she is, what she is, what she wants and from whom. Few women past the age of 40 give a hoot what you think about her or what she's doing. Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course,if you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you, if they think they can get away with it. Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what its like to be unappreciated. A women over 40 has the self assurance to introduce you to her women friends. A younger woman with a man will often ignore even her best friend because she doesn't trust the guy with other women. Women over 40 couldn't care less if you're attracted to her friends because she knows her friends won't betray her. Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a woman over 40.They always know. A woman over 40 looks good wearing bright red lipstick. This is not true of younger women. Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll tell you right off if you are a jerk, if you are acting like one. You don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her. Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately, it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed hot woman of 40+,there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of himself with some 22 year old waitress. Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, " why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free," here's an update for you. Now 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize its not worth buying an entire pig, just to get a little sausage.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

 

I'm Late! I'm Late!

Running any kind of Ministry takes a lot of work. I find that my Ministry need's vary as the months go past. It's almost in six month intervals that these changes occur. It can vary from having many volunteers to only a couple. Some months I have more drivers than crafters and so on and so on. The same goes for yarn and material. There are times my storage bins are overflowing and others. . . well, you get the picture.

The Season that we are in also plays a huge part. Fall/Winter are our busiest times and also the most productive. I don't just mean in how many pieces we crochet or donate, but in donations of material such as yarn. Summer is our slow time, mostly because people go on vacation and who thinks about crocheting when it's hot out?

This Season, I'm in need of many things. Not only donations of yarn are dwindling, but also a driver. My room is overflowing with boxes that need to be delivered. Anytime, my room resembles a hoarders problem, it's delivery time!

So guess what I've been doing this morning? You got it. I've been packing things up, labelling them and hopefully making these deliveries in the next couple of  days.

No matter how rushed I may sound, I still love doing all these activities. I wish I could spend more time on each one, but alas, it is not possible right now.

Would you please pray for this Ministry? God has always met our needs, but prayers one can never be short of. There is always so much to be done. Thank you everyone and have a blessed day.

Star Spangled Banner

I wasn't born in this Country, but I was raised here and my children were born here. Even though I'm Polish, I've always considered myself an American more.

I've always found it maddening to hear people put this Country down. I realize that people in general have nothing to compare this Country to, but us immigrants know how great America is especially in regards to Freedom. There is no place I'd rather be than here.

I am saddened to be a witness to what is going on in our Country. There is a division like never before. It takes a very long time to build a tower, but only one person to bring it down.

As usual, I get these wonderful e-mails from Grandma Barb and this one especially brought tears to my eyes. I love this Country, both the good and the bad, I hope you will too. Just click and enjoy.


https://www.youtube.com/embed/YaxGNQE5ZLA

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Why I Dislike Funerals

My parents were very sociable people. They entertained constantly and were invited to many functions, sometimes even two in one day. My childhood memories involved a constant flow of people whose names I cannot remember coming through our lives.

We would tag along with our parents to all the functions. It didn't matter if there were no other children for us to play around with, we were expected to sit on the couch, hands folded, and participating. I think that's why my older brother and I have become homebodies having a deep desire for solitude.

Funerals were something that we went to quite a lot. We were not afraid of them, or at least not I, but they were all the same. Everyone was dressed in black. People would in single file motion move past the coffin, pay their respects to both the deceased and the family, murmuring how sorry they were for their loss. There would be a long burial mass full of ceremony. After the burial, everyone would show up at a hall for a luncheon courtesy of the grieving family.

So what did I dislike so much about all that?

First, funerals have changed drastically since my childhood. They have become more of a celebratory event of a person's life here on Earth. The style of funerals has also changed personalizing the deceased's characteristics and they're being held in locations outside of the funeral parlor.

Yet, when I was a young child growing up that wasn't the case. One of the most unpleasant acts that I dislike so much were the remarks people made standing by the open casket.

Doesn't he/she look good?

They really did a good job on them.

I was totally baffled by these remarks. They did not look good. In  fact, some of them were barely recognizable, because of the illness that took their life.

All these years, that has stayed with me. I  was led to believe then that the funerals were for the deceased. The grandeur the funeral, the more blessed the individual. I know differently now. Funerals are for the grieving family.

My children know that I really don't care what they decide on when I pass away. They don't even have to hold one. It's all up to them. I only ask one thing of them, I ask that there is no viewing of my body.

I have realized over the years that people need other people when they're grieving. It is a form of respect to come to the funeral of a colleague, church member, relative or neighbor. So my dislike really stemmed from not understanding as a small child the need for closure. I honestly believe that children should not be present at a funeral unless it is a very close family member.

I never took my children when they were small, especially if the deceased wasn't a family member. It can be a very scary experience and I believe that's why I had this dislike of them as an adult.

But. . . . who am I to tell a parent what they should do with their own children?

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Looking Back On Sunday

Imagine this scene: You are dying and your children are gathered around your bed looking to have those last moments with you. What words of wisdom would you impart to them before you pass on?

Difficult, isn't it?

This is what happened to me. I wasn't dying, but my Joey asked me for these words of wisdom. Even now, years later, I become tongue tied whenever I try to think of these words of wisdom. I don't think they can be said in a sentence or two. Life is too complicated to be boxed into a granule piece.

I'm truly hoping that my words of wisdom will be these blog posts or any stories I write. I have a friend at work whose mother passed away a few months ago. I can see her longing for her mom's presence. I'm sure that any item of her mom's brings comfort to her now.

That's what I'm aiming for with my written word.

Words Of Wisdom

  First of all , I want to thank everyone for all the kind words of encouragement and prayers that were sent my way yesterday . Yes , it was a very rough day , but I will get through it no matter how defeating I may sound .
  I'm on my way back to the clinic today for my 24 hr. Neulasta shot for my white blood cell count . I'm trying my very best to stay focused on other things in my life . I have plenty to keep me busy . The problem is that when we don't feel well it affects our energy levels and we do nothing but lay around and think of all the pain . I don't want to do that anymore .
  Last night , I kept myself busy as best as I could . It helped a lot . I have all these notes that I've made but never entered into a journal of some sorts . I spent the whole night working on it .
  Re-reading a lot of these very personal and revealing  insights into life , I realized just how much of praying I have done in my life . A lot of these prayers have come true . Another insight is how much I have grown and still need to grow . As I entered all of these private moments and thoughts into a journal for my children , I thought back to the day my son asked me what words of wisdom I wanted to share with him . That day was a day four years ago when things didn't look very promising regarding my health .
  His question really startled me because at that moment I couldn't think of anything to say . He caught me off guard . I don't have all the right answers to what life is about . I don't have the great words of wisdom to live by . I do have my journals , my blogs , my memories and they are welcome to them . Hopefully , they can find some comforting words in there somewhere when the time comes . If any of you could leave words of wisdom for your children , what would these words be ?

Have a blessed day everyone.  

Looking Back On Saturday

I think I complained nonstop the second time the cancer came back. I just hated the fact it was back. I wasn't happy about it and there was no one or anything that would change my mind in regards to it.

Deep down, I realized that it was my fear of dying. Those six or more months were spent in defiance to the fact that one day I would die. I fought in every way possible, with my words, and my body.

Nowadays, I'm in a much better place. I truly believe anyone with a chronic illness confronts death whether they like it or not. We need to accept our illness. That's something that Linda had a problem doing.

Although, who knows what my emotions will stir up when the cancer comes back yet again. Every time it does, it peels away another layer that needed to be confronted.

Grumpy Me 

 It was chemo day today . I have begun to hate chemo day . Don't get me wrong , the nurses and staff are wonderful . It's just me . I'm tired of it all .

   I have to take these steroids for a couple of days before chemo . They give me a reaction . I turn beet red in the face and neck . It will wear off after a week . I swear it also bloats my face and my stomach . This morning ,  I was so bloated I couldn't fasten my pants . When we got there , I looked around and no one else has this problem . The waiting room was filled with normal looking people ........except me . I'm the only one with that darn red face . It is so embarrassing . Then the hot flashes . I was burning up . I felt like my face was on fire .
   I sat  there , taking in my infusion  , bloated sky high . I felt like I would burst  if I didn't burp soon . It's 7:30 pm and I'm still waiting to burp .  Driving home , I could feel that metal taste in my mouth come a whole day early . Lucky me . Next , the good ole nausea , constipation , diarrhea and my favorite  vomiting . It's going be a long night .
  I can't take this any longer . Today , I felt like getting up and walking out  and never coming back again . What is the point of all of this ? Six months ? A whole year ? How long until it comes back again ?  I  have another two months of this  and I don't think I can handle it . I'm feeling very tired suddenly . I need to go lay down .

Have a blessed day everyone.

Looking Back On Friday

I remember that time very well. I truly felt I would die and dealing with that issue was at the forefront of this bout with cancer. I'm so glad that I was at home during those treatment, because I would hate for people to have seen me like that on a daily basis. I don't think I could have handled people with all of those emotions.

Emotions , Emotions

   Why am I so emotional ? It didn't start now , either , I have been this way from the minute I found out my cancer came back . I asked  my friend Linda ,  why she cries all the time and she doesn't know either . I hate being this way , tearing up at every little thing .
    I cry when I hear a song on the radio . I cry while watching a show or movie . I cry when I think of the past , the present and the future . I cry when people write me or speak to me . I cry in anger , in happiness and in sadness . I cry for no reason at all . I cry when I think about people who find issues with me . When they don't want to hear what I have to say . I cry when people are mean to me for no reason .
   I cry in the car a  lot . In fact , I do a lot of things while driving .I pray out loud . I talk out loud to myself . Yes , I'm nuts . Lately , I find myself crying and thinking a lot while trying to go to sleep . The crying has invaded my sleep time . Sleep has been hard . A lot of tossing and turning .
   We have a Polish tradition that on Christmas Eve , the way your day goes that's how the New Year  will be . My Christmas has been very emotional . Some good , some bad , some sad , some happy but teary . I guess , I will be teary all year .
  I will tell you , this Season , was wonderful . I have children who love me no matter what . I have great friends that support me during this illness . My family is there , all I have to do is whistle . My work associates have continuously written or called me . Yet , I have spent buckets crying .My face is red not just from the steroids .
  All my life , I've always held this work ethic that whatever was set in front of me , with hard work and patience , I could overcome it . Conquer it and move on to the next . How do I conquer this ? I thought I conquered it before . It just keeps coming back .Here , I 'm crying again .I have my faith . I have my God ,  but I don't want to  keep fighting this over and over again . Oh , this is gonna be an emotional day .

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Looking Back On Thursday

I truly believe that my attitude in regards to cancer affects other people as well as me. To this day, I try my best and I do mean my best, to present an upbeat attitude in all I do. My poor children see me for who I really am. They witness all my moods even the ungraceful ones.

Besides, I have all of you. I can see the necessity to have some sort of outlet for these emotions. Who else will sit patiently while I rant?

The Great Pretender

      Wherever and whoever I meet all tell me the same thing .. . . . . how great I look . They love what I do with my scarves ; they love my positive , upbeat , sarcastic attitude ; they love my honesty . Little do these people know that I'm the great pretender . I only tell people 90 % of what I feel or what I'm going through .
    Four years ago , there was a day where I just felt worn out . Felt like I couldn't handle another day in pain . At that time , one of my girlfriends called me to see how I was feeling . Well , I burst out crying  and ended up telling her exactly how I felt . There are times where all the pain leaves you feeling like you should just die . In fact , you ask God to take you . That was my day back then .
  For the next several hours , I had one phone call after the other from friends cheering me on and telling me how I should stay positive . Only way to beat this thing , Lottie . I found out later that my friend called all our mutual friends about my little breakdown . She thought I was suicidal and just gave up .
  To this day , I never tell people really how I feel . I would never harm myself . I don't have the nerve nor am I that brave . I'm too scared of God  and what He would do to me  if I did . My point is that from that day forth I realized I really can't be too honest . People really mean well . They , too , are in pain right along with me and can't handle my disease . If I'm happy that signals to them everything is well . When I'm upset , well , you get the picture .
  This month , this week  especially , I have been not feeling well nor have I been very positive or upbeat . Sometimes , I think if these people only knew how fake I really am . I just don't want anyone to think that I'm on cloud nine . Sometimes you have to read between the lines . Remember .....I'm the great  pretender .

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Looking Back On Wednesday

Re-reading this entry, my thoughts immediately shift to how poorly it was written. I'm ashamed and I need to apologize. Hopefully, I am writing  better, especially in form and grammar.

Second thought, Emily and I have learned quite a lot about cancer, our bodies and health since then. Take food, for instance. This morning I went to Costco to pick up a few things. Looking down into my cart, it was filled with fresh fruit, cheese, veggies and a salmon. There was nothing processed, canned or frozen in it.

In fact, I find I need to be careful when we go out to eat, because our bodies are no longer used to butter, fried or greasy type foods. We do end up being sick.

Also, our relationship has changed. We are more roommates than we are mother/daughter. I love this stage and it is the same with Aubrey. These are grown, beautiful women and I love this equal relationship that we share as fellow women.

Our family tree can only get better and I cannot wait to see the full benefit of it's fruition, both here on Earth and in Heaven.

My Family Tree

      Since I had ovarian cancer at the age of 42 , my doctor felt it might be genetic and sent me to a doctor that specializes in that field . Sitting down with this young woman , we went over my family tree as far as I could remember . The women in  my family live well into their 90's .. . . . . .except me . I won't live that long .
     There was only one incident  of a  death from a " WOMEN'S PROBLEM "  and that was my grandmother's sister  who died at the age of 48 . No one else . As I listened to her explaining hereditary and genetics being different , I couldn't stop looking at that family tree . From my great Aunt Emily to me ,  there is such a huge gap . How did I get so lucky ? How did she get it ?
     Now , they tested me for the BRAC 1 and 2 gene . Since I have ovarian  , I'm also susceptible to breast cancer . My risk has increased greatly more than the average woman . My cancer , or more directly , my results will greatly impact my family tree .
   The only good thing out of this is that the next generation in my family tree will know the risks they carry and prepare themselves and their bodies . Knowledge is power . My daughter can , hopefully , use preventive medicine so she can avoid this from happening to her . Her actions  can change the family tree .

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Looking Back On Tuesday

I think we all have encountered a demon as the one depicted below. It's no wonder she appeared at that time, since if I remember correctly, the car itself was breaking down constantly. You all know how I feel in regards to the car  problem.

I can't even remember what I was so furiously angry about, most likely about life itself. It could have been numerous things with me. Not getting any sleep or a cup of coffee can set me off.

I think it went a little deeper here. I had to iron out all these emotions regarding cancer. Cancer was here to stay whether I liked it or not.


A Demon Came For A Visit

    A demon came for a visit . I have no idea who invited her . She came the other morning when I woke up . . . .uninvited . She charged around my apartment mumbling @#$%^$#@!@$%% spilling coffee on her way out the door . Yes ! She went public . She blew her horn a lot and spit  more
!@#$%^&^@#@# out the window .
   Emily looked on this demon with a narrowing of her eyes . She knows all about demons . She becomes one at least once a month .
   Wearing her Christmas red and green plaid pajama pants , she stopped for gas  and the car just died . Well , the mother of all demons came out then . It was like a scene from A Christmas Story with Ralphie's dad trying to fix the furnace . After much kicking and pulling on wires under the hood , the lights came on and off she went to spread her kind of joy  around .
    Back home again , slamming the door , of course . Looks in the mirror ....grrrr....you don't want to mess with this demon today . Plops on the bed and takes a nap .
    Strange thing , though , when I woke up ...........she was gone.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

Looking Back On A Monday

Usually every Thursday I like to re-post a blog piece from the past and provide an update on where I am today. It also gives an opportunity for those readers who are new to sort of become acquainted with my past. My mind has been drifting backwards lately and in honor of that past and my freedom, I'll re-post every single day.

The following, I believe, is my very first update since the birth of this blog. It seems that I always start my treatments strong, but by the time we're halfway in I become weakened. I have come to expect at least one visit where I'm denied treatment due to my blood count being low or blood pressure incredibly high. Taking naps also became a regularity in the chemo routine.

One thing I never have gotten accustomed to was going bald. I still shudder at the thought going without hair. Even when I had chemo that only thinned my hair, I still ended up looking semi-bald. I don't care what anyone says, our hair completes our look.


UPDATE

     I've been out of commission for a couple of days very sick . It started one night with vomiting and the shivers . I was so cold . I'm very familiar with these symptoms since I had this a lot the last time (5 to be exact ) . It's an infection . I was on the brink of one and the only thing missing was a temperature .
     I'm not sure if I caught something from someone or if it was part of my treatment side effect .I'm still not 100 % recovered. Right now I'm existing on bread, cabbage soup, crackers, rice and tea . These foods seem to calm my stomach.
     I do know I had to take a step back and analyze my situation . With my 4th round of chemo approaching next week , my worries fastened on maybe not being able to pass my white blood cell count and having to postpone the treatment .I definitely have to limit my exposure to people even more . The farther we get into the treatment the more difficult it is . Your body becomes weaker and weaker .
   I haven't been writing these couple of days . All I really want is to sleep . Found myself  last night , I'm ashamed to say , very agitated and irritable with my state of things . Very tired of these scarves and being bald . Another rash appeared on my head and I finally realized where it was coming from . It's from certainly one type of my scarves . I have alot of silky ones and they seem to be the culprit .
   Another irritation lied with everyone 's happy mood when I'm so nauseated all the time . The bad or good part of it is that I supposedly look so good all the time . No one would suspect that I'm sick . Well , that's the update . Be back soon .

Have a Blessed day everyone.

The Funnies

Hello everyone,

I hope everyone had a wonderful 4th of July. As you can see, I also have taken the time to spend with my loved ones. So sit back, enjoy the fireworks and the conversation. In case, you run out of things to kid around with, here are some suggestions.

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Tech support:    What kind of computer do you have? 
Customer:          A white one.
Tech support:    Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen. 
Customer:          Your left or my left?

 ************************ 
Customer:   

Hi, good afternoon, this is Michele, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'can’t find printer’.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
 *************************  
  Customer:          My keyboard  is not working anymore.
Tech support:    Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer:          No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support:    Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:          OK
Tech support:     Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer:          Yes
Tech support:    That means the keyboard is not plugged in.

 ************************* 
Customer:            I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support:      Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer:            Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech  support:     Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer:            Five dots.

 ************************* 
Tech  support:   What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer:          Netscape.
Tech support:    That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer:          Oh, sorry. Internet Explorer.

 ************************* 

Customer:    

I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.

 ************************* 
Tech support:     How may I help you?
Customer:           I'm writing my first email.
Tech support:     OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer:           Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?

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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support:     Are you running it under ‘Windows’?
Customer:   'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
 
 ************************ 
Tech  support:    'Okay Bob, let's  press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.  Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer:          I don't have a P.
Tech  support:   On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer:          What do you mean?
Tech support:    'P'.....on your  keyboard, Bob.
Customer:          I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

 

   Have a blessed day everyone.

Who Are You

We are constantly trying to find ourselves, who we are  and who we want to become. We attach labels to people identifying them by their hobbies, their shortcomings, their appearance and even their professions.

We also see ourselves differently than how others see us. Why is that? Is it because we cannot face the real person inside of us? Why is it so difficult to acknowledge the real person we see in the mirror? Analyzing our faults should be the first step in any problem and the role we played in it. We need to ask ourselves, How did I contribute to this situation?

That's my problem, I over analyze my involvement in situations. If a friend leaves, I immediately believe it is something I might have said or done. Of course, it isn't always the case. People leave for many reasons, some unknown to us. Yet, I blame myself.

We live in a society who has no idea who they are and constantly it is being redefined. It's so easy to get lost and have no idea how to find ourselves let  alone our hidden talents.

My role has changed so much, but yet not completely. The different characteristics have been added on to the identity I already have without the self within me being erased forever. I just keep expanding in more ways than ever possible. In that process, my confidence level surges forward. I only wish I had that when I was younger. Why did it take so long for me to grow?

I believe it all has to do with my ability to focus on myself, because I have time now. When we are young, we are busy raising children, being housewives and providing for our loved ones. We become everything to everyone else and all our desires get pushed aside way into a corner. I've aged, children have grown and suddenly time becomes available.

Do you know who you are? Or better still, do you know who you are becoming?

Discovering what type of hat we are to wear is difficult and a long process. Nothing is built in one day. The things we know now took a lifetime to learn and it is the same with our purpose in life. I hope I never stop discovering myself. There is a whole world out there and I definitely want to find my place in it.

Have a Blessed day everyone.

A Comfortable Place

In  the past couple of years, I have taken the same time off from work, not veering from that schedule. This year, of course, everything has changed much to my dismay, except the 4th of July.

 

I take off for many reasons, mostly because of appointments, my writing or ministry work. The 4th of July, is the only time that is spent totally in leisure  and relaxation visiting friends.

 

This year especially, I have been looking forward to this time with anticipation. The weather has been perfect, not too hot nor too cold, but just right for me. Maybe not for everyone else.

 

I have spent my time with my girlfriends having breakfast, coffee and after dinner get together, catching up on old times. A couple of deliveries here and there. Glorious weather, glorious friends and a glorious time.

 

Arriving finally home, I walked into the hallways inhaling a wonderful aroma of fresh baked biscuits. I couldn't stop the grumbling of my stomach as it recognized a great and familiar scent of  home baked goods.

 

Opening the door of my apartment, I realized the smell was coming from inside. Emily baked homemade pretzels and delicious they were.

 

One can go anywhere in the world, but there is nothing like one's home.

 

Have a Blessed day everyone.

 

 

A Blank Canvas

I really loved this picture the minute I saw it. Some people may look upon this canvas and see it blank, but I see so much more. I see an opportunity to make it anything I want. Any mistakes I make, I can paint over with another color or design. Sometimes we can take a mistake and turn it into a totally different object making it even better.

The pastel color scheme can fit any area and blend in quite well with all sort  of dark and light touches. Yes, this picture can go anywhere and be anything one wishes it to be.

These past few days I have been in the company of women, varying in age. Each of these women has faced a trial or storm of their lives in the last couple of years. As I spoke with each one, I realized the different stages they were at in their trial. I remembered every tear that was spent and every triumph conquered.

You see, there is a light at the end of the dark and gloomy tunnel.

Each of them is painting her own picture on the canvas of her life. That canvas can be the same color, yet the picture varies depending on her own choices. The options are available and only she can choose the right ones for herself.

What does your canvas look like? Is it all black and filled with blotches? Does it feel like nothing can erase the ugliness of your past mistakes? Is it really possible to start over and paint a beautiful scenery unlike ever seen? Only you can,so pick up a brush and start over again. It's your canvas, create a masterpiece.

Have a blessed day everyone.