The idea of radiation really broke me. I'm not afraid of the symptoms that come with it or or the act of radiation, but just the whole process. To think that I would have to give up so much of my time, valuable time. It disrupted my life so much that I wondered if any of it was worth it.
I mean, I have to get up so early in the morning, drive around 45 minutes, get undressed and wait in the waiting room, get zapped for a fifteen minutes, get dressed again, pay for parking (6.75 each day), drive another 45 minutes back home and do that every single day for five weeks. All so I can do it all again next year.
You know, what that young lady from my meltdown said? When it comes to one's health, it's all worth it. Mmmm, let me think about that. In another words, as long as I'm alive, the quality of life really doesn't matter. It's so easy for someone who has had cancer once or maybe twice, but I want to hear from the person who has a chronic illness. I want to hear if they're not tired of continually going to doctors, continually being treated by poisons, who continually have to deal with the side effects of the side effects. Aren't you tired of it all?
One of my Ministry ladies asked me, "Lottie, are you giving up?" Absolutely not, I will never give up, but I am tired. That particular day, that young woman really got to me. I wonder to this day, who was she really? As I lay on the simulation table, completely naked from the waist down with just a small sheet covering me, I thought back to these nine years. A male technician marked up my body, that exact spot for the radiation to zap my cancer. That sheet barely covering anything. Why even bother having it on? How many times during these years have I been humiliated? My body exposed for everyone to see? Where is my dignity? I laid there just like Jesus on the Cross, naked and exposed, pretending it didn't bother me.
When it comes to one's health, it's all worth it. Is it? Is it worth using all your vacation time on doctor's and tests year after year? Is it worth it for strangers to be poking and prodding away? Is it worth dealing with all the long lasting effects and the sleepless nights, because you're in pain? Because my leg hurts like hell? The leg that no one can tell me what is wrong with it? Just send me for more physical therapy. More visits and more tests.
So yes, I might sound silly and foolish. I might be over reacting and melodramatic, but I don't care. I'm going there kicking and screaming every inch of the way. I better be in remission for at least two years before any of this is worth it to me.
Have a Blessed day everyone.
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